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Pregnant and DP's parents angry?

(322 Posts)
notsurenotsure48 Tue 13-Aug-19 11:02:48

(I don't give permission for daily mail. newspapers, to use this information)

NC for this as pretty sure my username is recognisable. I am 26 and DP is 25. We have been together for three years, friends for years before that and we went to university together. We live in a 2 bed house and both have graduate job earning roughly, 27k each. Funds can be tough as we are based in the SE where our rent is 900pcm! (this is cheap) but we get along fine and it’s cosy. DP’s parents live roughly a 15-minute drive away.
Relationship with DP’s parents has always been a bit rocky. I moved to DP’s town a year after university and soon we were living together. My family are living in the NE so around 4 hours away. DP’s parents are quite formal and conservative, and we have never gone any deeper than polite conversation. I see them twice a week and have never even sat in their living room the whole time I’ve been with DP, it’s always a very formal cup of tea at the table. I have invited DP’s mum out for shopping, afternoon tea before and she never replies to my texts/brushes it off in person so I’ve given up trying. DP said they are just quiet, fair enough but after 3 years?
My family aren’t scum by any means, Dad is a director of marketing and mum is a nurse, however I get the impression that DP’s parents feel we are from a lower class. DP’s dad has always earnt 100k plus a year and they’ve always had big house, three cars. I’m not really bothered by money but they do ask a lot of questions about my parents, their jobs, even now when they know everything.

Anyways, onto the main issue. I have been on the pill for 3 years- never any problem. I was recently (10 weeks ago) hospitalised with an infection and given Rifaximin via IV. I didn’t realise until I was out of hospital that this would have interacted with my pill- plus I didn’t take my pill the whole time I was in hospital due to just forgetting and sleeping and feeling genuinely awful. Fast forward, four days ago I found out I was pregnant. DP and I are both in shock but gradually coming round to the idea. We discussed all options and decided that we both would keep the baby.
DP went to tell his parents and they are furious- saying I trapped him, I’m irresponsible and that I’ve basically ruined their son’s life. They’ve requested that I don’t go round there for a while until they calm down and they aren’t sure of when that will be. They’ve mentioned money trapping and all sorts (very upsetting for me considering we earn the same, and have the same degree). DP has tried to defend me but they won’t have it. I think he wants to keep peace both sides.
I understand that they are upset and will calm down but I feel disgusted that money has been mentioned. Also being 4 hours from my own family, I sort of would’ve loved their support in this. DP’s mum is a mum of four , and I’d have loved her guidance and advice.

isthatapugunicorn Tue 13-Aug-19 11:07:29

Sounds like they are snobs who don't like you. You and your DP need to crack on with what's best for you two and please NEVER, EVER take money for any reason from these people. It won't be worth it I promise you.
The next thing you need to think about is whether you and DP have a strong enough relationship to put up with the pressure and hostility from them and if your DP understands that he will need to stand up for you and the baby against his own parents.
If you don't think he can do this then you need to re-think your future with him.
Good luck!

kitk Tue 13-Aug-19 11:10:24

These kinds of situations will always being out the best or worst in people. You need to know that your own little family (you,DP and baby) will soon be the most important unit and stop looking for their approval or acceptance.

On a separate note, I don't think the DM would pick this up as it's not newsworthy and happens to lots of us, but once you put something on a public forum they can use it if they want to without your express permission, so maybe be careful about this if you post about things moving forward.

Summerunderway Tue 13-Aug-19 11:11:03

So now you know how they feel. No more pleasantries and bloody cuppas!
Keep away! Make plans for you, dp and the baby. You don't need such nasty snobs in your life. And your baby doesn't need them either.
Have a week end back home for some supper.. And congratulations!

Cryalot2 Tue 13-Aug-19 11:11:21

Congratulations I hope you both enjoy parenthood.
flowers these people should be deeply ashamed of themselves ( but sadly wont) it is their lose. They are losing the company of you and you letting them be involved if only they had any dececy .
Karma happens and I believe they will come to regret this.
Do not lower to them and let them upset you. Materialism is vulgar at best.

bengalcat Tue 13-Aug-19 11:17:07

Sorry you’re having a difficult time . The most important thing right now is how you and your partner feel about having a baby and how the two of you are going to manage financially once the baby is here . Conception is a two way responsibility so directing their ire at you is wrong . Good luck . Whatever they think about you , this situation those tossers should at least take some comfort in the fact their son has turned out to be a supportive real man who takes his responsibilities seriously .

notsurenotsure48 Tue 13-Aug-19 11:17:53

haha I just wanted a disclaimer in there- I know the Daily Mail can use it would just prefer they didn't sad

Rumplestrumpet Tue 13-Aug-19 11:18:31

Congratulations on your pregnancy. I'm sorry to hear his parents have been so awful, esp at a time when you need support and love from family. They sound absolutely terrible.
While they might 'come around' quickly, I would aim to set the tone early on, both with them and with your partner. It's important that he be on your side, and that he makes that very clear to his parents. I'd they see him wavering, trying to keep the peace it will only encourage their poor behaviour. You can't treat two sides equally when one is a totally reasonable partner and the other rude, offensive parents. Though hard, once they have had time to calm down he should make absolutely clear that he won't tolerate them being rude and disrespectful towards you.
That way they are more likely to behave respectfully as they will see they can't out a wedge between you.
Good luck, wish you an easy pregnancy and a healthy happy baby smile

ohfourfoxache Tue 13-Aug-19 11:24:20

Keep yourself and your baby away from this fuckwittery. Your partner can obviously have his own contact, but you shouldn’t be putting up with this.

It’s their loss not yours

Passthecherrycoke Tue 13-Aug-19 11:24:28

My in laws are exactly like this. Basically, the reasons is they are not nice people and yours aren’t either.

I think it’s very common amongst bitter, unkind, spiteful people to think everyone is out to steal from them. I suspect their mind goes to this because they’re quite likely to behave like that themselves. It doesn’t really
Occur to normal people to behave like this.

Easy for me to say, but deep breaths and ignore them. Arrange everything you need to with your family and try and forget about them. Stop going to their house twice a week and don’t bother texting etc. You sound lovely but they are not

Podemos Tue 13-Aug-19 11:26:51

Congratulations!
When the baby is born tell them that you are furious with how they reacted to the news of their grandchild. Request that they don't come round for a while until you've calmed down and you're not sure when that will be. If they claim you are keeping them from their grandchild just remind them that they made it clear that they would have preferred if the child didn't exist.

^ok so that might be immature/ cause conflict. I'd like to think that I would do it but I'm the least confrontational person ever.

I think previous advice is good - focus on yourselves, go and spend a weekend with your family, do a bit of baby shopping when you feel it's the right time, just enjoy this exciting time together and leave them to their misery- they will be the ones losing out.

Your biggest barrier is going to be dp and how much he is able to continue to stand up to his parents or gives in to keep the peace

QueenOfPain Tue 13-Aug-19 11:29:50

Get new jobs and move to be near your family.

AdobeWanKenobi Tue 13-Aug-19 11:31:07

(I don't give permission for daily mail. newspapers, to use this information)

Sorry to say that makes zero difference to a post you've put in a public forum.

sheshootssheimplores Tue 13-Aug-19 11:31:28

So they were hoping you would split up and their precious son would meet a girl they though was more appropriate? They sound atrocious, you fall in love with who you fall in love with.

Well they’ve fucked this up now haven’t they? They’re first grandchild and they’ve fallen out with the mother. My god they’ll live to regret that in time.

CilantroChili Tue 13-Aug-19 11:31:57

Can’t get my head around people like this. In their shoes (in a world where I’m healthy/retired/wealthy) why wouldn’t I help my son and his partner. Idiots.
Is this baby the first grandchild?
Op congratulations on your news & I wish you and your family every happiness 💕
Feck the miserable in-laws

sheshootssheimplores Tue 13-Aug-19 11:32:10

*Their

CalmdownJanet Tue 13-Aug-19 11:33:34

Look it's this simple, they aren't nice people, they have never been nice and it will probably continue that way. Distance yourself, you'll be much happier for it, you can't please them so stop bothering. Don't visit, don't call, don't buy gifts, don't respond to texts, just pretend they don't exist. Let your dp visit them, tell him they are not welcome in your home "until you calm down but you are not sure when that will be" circa the 12th of never , quote him exactly what they said. They made their snobby beds, let then lay in them.

Chamomileteaplease Tue 13-Aug-19 11:33:40

I am sure you have read enough on here about the trouble in laws can bring.

I would say you need a very serious chat with your partner as to whether or not he is going to be able to handle the fact that he will be torn between his partner and and parents for the rest of their lives. And it will no doubt cause huge problems for you two as well.

Depending on his thoughts I would either have a termination and split up - cut your losses or the two of you make plans to move a long way away - perhaps to the NE and make a new start. A new life with very LC with his parents.

NoSauce Tue 13-Aug-19 11:33:46

They sound pretty awful from what you’ve said. Stop seeing them now. They’ll soon change their tune once the baby is born. Then if you choose to you can press the reset button, if not it’s their loss.

Oldraver Tue 13-Aug-19 11:34:06

I'd be making plans to move, it's obvious you are not going to get any support from them

regmover Tue 13-Aug-19 11:34:51

The papers can use this if they want Op. If you don't want that the only course of action is to have it taken down.

Cherrysoup Tue 13-Aug-19 11:41:19

Honestly, I’d be looking to move to the NE, get a much better house for your money, distance yourself physically and emotionally from these horrors. What a bloody weird and nasty reaction to hearing your son is having a baby! Nutters. I bet your family is delighted. Your DP needs to make a stand here and stick up for you. Trying to placate his parents is not acceptable. He should be bollocking their arses for their horrific reaction.

I guarantee once the baby is here, they’ll be trying to take it alone and not involve you. Wankers.

EKGEMS Tue 13-Aug-19 11:42:31

Unfortunately your partner will be unable to "keep the peace" on all sides when his family is so entrenched in their prejudice against you and he needs to exit the fog (fear,obligation and guilt) You might benefit from a counselor to learn how to set boundaries and cope

Woollycardi Tue 13-Aug-19 11:43:07

Crikey, his mum doesn't reply to any of your messages and brushes it off and that has been ok? And I don't understand the sitting at the table rather than the lounge thing at all. Are you confident that your partner has a stronger loyalty to your relationship and that of your child than to his parents? I hope so for your sake or else you could end up walking. But that may not be the worse thing if on some level he agrees with their behaviour towards you. Their attitude is horrific.

Beautiful3 Tue 13-Aug-19 11:44:00

Congratulations on your pregnancy. His parents have shown their true colours, they will regret treating you badly in the long run. Support is very important when having a baby. Is it at all possible to move (home & jobs) closer to your parents at all?

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