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Simple and non challenging wife?

(87 Posts)
IABUQueen Tue 13-Aug-19 00:48:43

So I heard BIL and MIL discussing what type of girl he wants. He is pretty young and me and MIL are pretty much LC because she is an extreme misogynist who thought I can be her slave and gave me hell...

She was discussing with her son, telling him she think he should go for girls who are very simple and naive, that she will accept anything that he gives her and appreciate.. she won’t expect much from life and so on...

Then she started suggesting specific girls for him to date ... clearly all from vulnerable backgrounds.. pointing out how each girl has family issues and stating that “when she has family issues she will never leave you”.

This obviously made me feel sick.. she is obviously after girls from vulnerable backgrounds for a reason. She is extremely controlling and manipulative and BIL is early twenties and is a mummy’s boy. His mother bullys him very bad... but he looks for her approval even more..

Problem now is... an 18 year old girl I know, who came visited me once and Bil nd mil was there... started being groomed by mil.. overly giving her gifts and complementing her looks and trying to encourage her son to flirt with her. This actually started when the girl was less than 18... and once I noticed I stopped letting her visit me.. as I believed she was being groomed and manipulated.

MIL knew of her background. Vulnerable as you guessed. She made points to her son, about how the girls family are shits. Seems like the most remarkable thing about the girl to them..

I love the girl dearly and was fiercely protective. I noticed the grooming worked on the girl.. she became besotted..

I took her to the side.. and spoke to her as a younger girl... vulnerable. I told her that this boys mother is manipulative. I told her he won’t make her happy.. i Spoke to DH and told him to tell his family to back off...

Problem is.. the girl is behaving in love.. she thinks I’m there to destroy her love story.. she started hating me..

Now the guys sister who is in her twenties, had managed to get that girls number.. the girl who was initially very very close to me, has been invited by the sister over and over. Still being manipulated and groomed in my opinion..

They’re not dating yet.. but I can tell the girl has become sooo desperate. Whatever I tell her she thinks I’m jealous..

She is a relative of mine.. and I feel soooo angry knowing all the context of why mil had groomed this girl... and why she actively encouraged her son to flirt with her.. it’s all cringe and not genuine..

Shall I step in and tell the girl that they only want her because she is vulnerable and they think she will accept a shit life and have low standards and it’s not because BIL actually respects her?

I don’t actually think she wants to believe whatever I have to say.. she pretty much hates me now and has been making secret meetings with my SIL (who hates me) and they formed an alliance.

I’m older than her obviously. I’m my late twenties. I genuinely have concerns for her but losing the confidence to do anything about it because the girl has had such an attitude towards me I’m actually hurt at how I managed to lose her over someone who is manipulating her..

What would you do?

It’s not my place to interfere but I just know too much and this girl is dear to me and it’s hurting me see all this happening

IABUQueen Tue 13-Aug-19 00:54:58

To clarify.. so they haven’t started dating but BIL told DH that he is in love with her and wants let her know very soon..

BIL is not a bad guy but he is a bit of a puppet.

DH assured me that this is just a phase but I think deep down he thinks I’m
Being controlling and interfering. It’s just tricky because I usually wouldn’t except I have too much context...

MT2017 Tue 13-Aug-19 00:55:02

She won't believe you - I would save your breath but be there for her if she needs you.

TheInebriati Tue 13-Aug-19 00:59:04

Go NC with all of them. If you can't, fix you life so you can. They will drag you down with them.

IABUQueen Tue 13-Aug-19 01:02:10

MT- it’s looking like I just can’t say a word
Thel- I’m almost NC with in laws.. and the girl has voluntarily gone LC with me.. because she felt she needed to take a side to impress. Do you mean I should go NC with the girl ? I feel sorry for her, I was her main source of go to advice and I feel like they have won.

Saracen Tue 13-Aug-19 01:14:26

You've tried. She won't believe you. She wants the family she never had, and she thinks she has found it. If you keep going on at her, it will backfire.

About all you can do is make sure you are still available to her so she can come to you when it falls apart. That won't happen if you keep pushing the subject. Let it drop now and just be nice to her. Can you take her out and introduce her to some decent people? Not men necessarily, but potential friends.

once I noticed I stopped letting her visit me.. as I believed she was being groomed and manipulated. Couldn't you invite her and not your in-laws, so you can remain close to her?

IABUQueen Tue 13-Aug-19 01:22:10

Sara

Good idea about the inviting her over. I could but things are awakard. As I said my in laws are v manipulative and mil has a personality disorder.

Problem is.. I told her how I was being treated in the hopes that she would not see them as s family that she never had...

Which backfired massively.. her reaction is now to behave as if she wants nothing to do with me because she wants them to see her as different and to like her.

She avoids me. Wants nothing to do with me.. and likes to make it clear to my in laws..

My in laws are entertaining the topic. Till this day she hasn’t been asked on a date. But my in laws are waiting to completely have her brainwashed.

Unfortunately I’ve seen them do this before. So I’m pretty sure that’s what’s happening.

My in lws are angry that I’m NC with them, I’m very LC. And I believe they’re very pleased that they have now made my relative, who was in fact so close to me, want nothing to do with me. It was a way for them to reach me while I’m far.

But im a big girl and know their games. That young girl does not realize she is being groomed and used..

But I don’t know there is an option for me to just hang out with her anymore. Aside from having a frank conversation which I’m worried will backfire

FifteenYemenRoadYemen Tue 13-Aug-19 01:22:54

Ugh, your mother in law sounds fucking dreadful. What a nasty piece of work.

Is there any way you can actually speak to your brother in law and tell him to let her down gently and that you do not think this is the right relationship?

Other options are to step back entirely and let her make her mistakes as she won't listen. You can only support her if she asks for it.

Alternatively, pretend you are supportive of the relationship, win back her confidence so that she does share things with you. That way if there is problems and your mother in law is up to no good, you can help her and sort of stop her being successful. Plus, you suddenly being supportive will be something the in-laws HATE, and the more involved you are the better, they may then advise him to just find someone else as she's too close to you.

StressedtoHellandBack Tue 13-Aug-19 01:24:21

Could you speak to the girl's family? Would they be happy for their daughter/sister/niece to be taken in by BIL and MIL?

IABUQueen Tue 13-Aug-19 01:25:50

Also as I said, I strongly suspect she is just agreeing with them as they chat shit about me (which they do).

I’m pretty sure they told her things that make her lose trust in me and hate me..

I’m fact they tried to do that with me. First they tried to make me say stuff about her. Which I clocked on they wanted to use against me to tell her and drive her to hate me..

Didn’t work with me as she is young, and as I said, I’m aware of what they’re doing. But she isn’t and it’s definitely worked on her

IABUQueen Tue 13-Aug-19 01:34:51

Could you speak to the girl's family? Would they be happy for their daughter/sister/niece to be taken in by BIL and MIL?

Her family are a bit shit. They will just think I’m jealous. I tried speaking to them and they believed im wanting to keep my in laws to myself. Mil has been promising this girls parents soo much things. Two faced. MIL is in a much better financial position and she uses it to her advantage.

I haven’t told them everything about MIL and what she said but I don’t stand a chance of being believed.

I think the right thing would be for me to remain close to the girl to provide support..

Except she is being used against me and I’ve only just managed to go NC and have some peace..

It’s a tough decision. I’m fact I think this is exactly what they’re doing. They are trying to use her against me.

IABUQueen Tue 13-Aug-19 01:38:02

Truth is when I saw the early signs I knew this is what they were trying to do. I was still in contact with them but realized she’s vulnerable and kept our meetings separate.

When I went Nc with in laws.. that’s when they managed to get her contact and start the love bombing..

It really seemed calculated.

1forAll74 Tue 13-Aug-19 01:57:32

Like others have said, this girl may need your help,or sympathy later if things go wrong, But you have done all you can for now,and there is no point in getting stressed up about something that is beyond your control. I would not like to be involved with a family such as this.

Graphista Tue 13-Aug-19 02:06:55

In what particular way is she vulnerable? I'm thinking if she's already involved with any agencies that can act or look out for her, it may be a way you can protect her?

IABUQueen Tue 13-Aug-19 08:25:02

Ok so not sure if I’m projecting here..

But vulnerable as in she is financially disadvantaged, refugee background, disabled parent, mil made sure that bil thinks that her mother is beneath them (money digger, council house, education, social class ...), she has been groomed since the age of 13, she is very insecure about her looks (like any teenager), very naive and easy to trust others, doesn’t really have confidence to speak up and create boundaries.

However it is mainly that she is young and insecure and that the manipulation started at a young age that I don’t like.

Am I projecting ?

IAskTooManyQuestions Tue 13-Aug-19 08:31:18

Sorry - what nationality are you - you dont write like English is your first language, is there a cultural significance we should be aware of here?

Intheupsidedown Tue 13-Aug-19 08:36:43

I'm a little confused.

What does your dh say about all this?

If he is siding with his family does that not make you think that you are being used and manipulated as well?

How did you meet your dh and how did he avoid his mother doing the same thing with him?

It surprises me that if the mil is this bad that she allowed you and dh to marry

How did your mil have contact with your relative in the first place if she was visiting you and you were lc with the in laws. Were you living with the in laws or inviting them round when your relative was there?

AngelasAshes Tue 13-Aug-19 08:51:45

This girl is not going to listen to anything you day now because of the manipulation.
You need to find someone who agrees with you that can speak with her honestly. What about your DH? Does he agree his mother is like this and that the girl is being manipulated?

Is there another family member or friend that can speak with her?

Also, what are the girls prospects for career or uni? If you can by proxy have other sources encourage her to leave the local area or be self-sufficient she wont be so desperately to marry or so vulnerable.

IABUQueen Tue 13-Aug-19 08:58:19

I think I’m not going to interfere and just leave them to it.

I can’t prove anything I do to either side and if I get closer to the girl she will end up being used against me.

I feel unfortunately this is a lesson she will have to learn on her own and I will be there for her when she decided to reach out. Which is likely to only happen once MIL no longer wants to give her attention and so turns all toxic.

GrouchoMrx Tue 13-Aug-19 09:01:26

BIL and MIL discussing what type of girl he wants?

Is this set in 1819?

MollyButton Tue 13-Aug-19 09:02:56

I think the best thing you can do for her is offer her an escape route if she ever needs/wants it. Tell her how much you care about her, and let her know you are there for her if she ever needs it.

If you provide a hidden escape route that is something your MIL doesn't expect - she seems to want the girl "trapped".

IABUQueen Tue 13-Aug-19 09:04:50

Groucho..

No, I know many men who discuss what he looks for in a girl with friends and family. This guy was young when it all started 18/19 and he was very close to his mother.. and as I said, seeks her approval in many other ways.

But thanks for trying.

IABUQueen Tue 13-Aug-19 09:07:19

If you provide a hidden escape route that is something your MIL doesn't expect - she seems to want the girl "trapped".

I’ve encouraged her to further her career. I feel like that’s the only escape route I can think off. Thankfully she took my advice before she lost trust in me. I’m hoping they don’t come in her way.

MorrisZapp Tue 13-Aug-19 09:08:07

This is weird. You're married into a family of Games of Thrones levels of scheming nastiness. You're heavily invested in preventing someone else join the family because of how terrible they are. But you remain married to a member of this family?

SleepingStandingUp Tue 13-Aug-19 09:12:10

she has been groomed since the age of 13
So MIL has been grooming this girl since she 13, and you know because you come from the same family. You didn't report it to anyone at the time? So for 5 years they've been plying her with gifts, attention etc to make her fall in love with your BIL who also claims to love her but so far nothing has happened between them? But you're worried they'll discard her if she doesn't get into a relationship with him or once she's trapped by marriage / kids?
I think I'd be considering what my own situation was if I was you when you got with your DH. Did you have similar vulnerabilities? His lack of concern would concern me that he agrees with what they're doing cos he did it too.

I'd try and build bridges. Tell her you realise she's an adult and can make her own choices, you're family and will always be there and love her etc.

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