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To not want to contribute to honeymoon fund

(496 Posts)
toooldforthisshite Mon 22-Jul-19 22:00:48

Friend is getting married for the second time for both of them. They both earn good money but spend over their means (she tells me so and will quite happily admit to maxing several credit cards to pay for £1000+ on a gift, holidays aboard etc expensive trips) they seem to want to out do each other in the elaborate gift giving for birthdays etc.
They have asked for money for their honeymoon. I don't generally agree with people doing this anyway but in this instance it's really bugging me and I don't want to fund their honeymoon when they could budget for that themselves (they are going away a week or so after the wedding to Europe as part of one of these elaborate birthday gifts but they don't want this to be a honeymoon as it's not enough apparently)
I do however want to get them a gift. I'm not sure what though.

LaurieMarlow Mon 29-Jul-19 19:36:32

A gift is not about it’s price. Cash in an envelope is.

I'd see £20 in a card as a more thoughtful and giftee focused present than some silver photo frame type tat.

Ohbehave1 Mon 29-Jul-19 19:30:55

@Nothingcomesforfree ha ha ha ha ha. You really think people don't know the cost of the gifts they are given?

And most people who ask for money instead of gifts (myself and my fiancé included) are not bothered if it's £1 or £1000. Or nothing for that matter.

It seems those that are shouting about how bad asking for cash is are the ones that would get upset if they were not given much. But then they would also complain if they were given a Tesco value product instead of the most expensive top end version of it.

plasterboots Mon 29-Jul-19 16:16:20

@Nothingcomesforfree you can easily the find the price if pretty much anything if you're that way inclined .

Nothingcomesforfree Mon 29-Jul-19 14:48:02

Ohbehave1 Well unless you keep the price tag on the bride and groom won’t know. That’s the difference
A gift is not about it’s price. Cash in an envelope is.

CareerChaos Mon 29-Jul-19 14:07:34

I have no idea why people are so funny about this, if you live together and don't need loads of tat and like me hate wine what are people supposed to give you? Either just give a card (with no money in), loads of people did this at our wedding and I didn't think twice about them not getting us a gift or give what you would spend on a gift. How they handle their finances has nothing to do with you!

Ticklemeelmo Mon 29-Jul-19 12:57:26

Just contribute the amount you would have spent on a gift to the honeymoon fund. Why wouldn't you just rather put the money towards something they actually want?

Ohbehave1 Mon 29-Jul-19 11:14:55

@Nothingcomesforfree what's the difference between a cheap or expensive gift and deciding how much to give? There is none so I don't see how you can think one is ok and one isn't.

StillCoughingandLaughing Sun 28-Jul-19 15:57:05

I think it’s incredibly naive to not view a modern wedding as a transaction. Guest(s) get a day/night of entertainment and dining, hosts get riembursed

I think it’s incredibly rude and tacky to treat a wedding like that. If I want a day and night of entertainment and dining, I can go to a restaurant of my choice in a convenient location and pick from a full menu, as well as selecting the entertainment. It’s a pretty uneven transaction to be told I have the ‘honour’ of attending an event in a location of someone else’s choosing, getting the food they selected and experiencing their choice of entertainment - and then being expected to ‘reimburse’ the hosts.

If you can’t afford your wedding unless you get a certain amount per guest in cash gifts, you can’t afford your wedding.

Ragwort Sun 28-Jul-19 10:03:09

Surely it’s not tight if the hosts specifically say ‘no gifts please’. I still don’t understand why people can’t respect that request and feel they. must give a gift, whether cash or a wrapped present. I am of an age when I can afford to host my friends, I don’t want random bottles of wine/chocolate/flowers when I am entertaining. Yes, I can pass on the bottles to a raffle, chocolates to the Food Bank etc but I would be much happier to see my friends without then having to deal with piles of unwanted ‘stuff’. Same with weddings (assuming second weddings where couples are usually more comfortably off). The last wedding I attended was my DH’s friend, his second wedding, her third, they wanted for nothing & could easily afford a massive wedding and exotic honeymoon. They said ‘no gifts’ & I respected that although saw many gifts at the reception & in a generic thank you we were all thanked for ‘financial’ gifts. hmm.

ThighsRelief Sat 27-Jul-19 21:46:40

Personally i think £50 per person attending, £10-20 per child's birthday (party) gift, £30 adult (friend) birthday gift.

It's easy if the couple is younger and has less than me. But perhaps it gets awkward if they are older and better off. I would to be guided by what they ask for and if they say nothing I'd put money in a card. I wouldn't dream of turning up empty handed, it's rude and tight.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss Sat 27-Jul-19 21:41:57

I think it’s incredibly naive to not view a modern wedding as a transaction. Guest(s) get a day/night of entertainment and dining, hosts get riembursed

And I thought people invited guests to have them watch them make their lifetime commitment to their partner hmm

Charge an entry fee if it’s viewed like that, more honest that way.

Newmumma83 Sat 27-Jul-19 21:16:14

@toooldforthisshite £40 is perfectly generous , just give what you can / willing to give

We asked for money but it was a if you want to... we want your presence most of all .. and it was meant As exactly thar .. we had a few none money givers and that was more than fine let’s face it the outfit purchase, perhaps taxis to venue ... etc all cost money and no one was invited to our wedding for the purpose of money it was because we loved they are our best friends

I am sure your friends feel the same way.
It’s not a competition x

Nothingcomesforfree Sat 27-Jul-19 21:03:19

Although If people ask for “ no gifts” and you put £20 in a card that’s fine because you have been a generous guest.

Nothingcomesforfree Sat 27-Jul-19 20:59:05

I think money can be a bit crass because it puts the guest in an uncomfortable position of deciding “how much”.
Presumably in cultures where money is the norm there is an unwritten expectation on both side of what is an acceptable amount.Thats not the case in a typical British wedding surely? It’s not like the bride and groom can say “ we want £50 per couple”. But you know that if you give £20 that’s only just a round in a pub so probably not enough if they want a honeymoon.

A wedding list traditionally has cheap items and more expensive ones so you can buy a cheap item and not feel judged because you know they have asked for it.

Random items are fine ( and not crass) although bride and grooms might not want them. The point is the guest has has bought a gift.

Cosentyx Sat 27-Jul-19 20:54:06

That was exactly my point, Thigh, the tight person won't give anything anyway.

ThighsRelief Sat 27-Jul-19 20:51:21

Cos people do show up with nothing, at all sorts. The amount of times it happened at my dc birthday parties was just shocking. To do it at a wedding or any type of party is just tight fisted. But people often are, they dress it up, but they just want to get away with not buying for other people.

Cosentyx Sat 27-Jul-19 20:47:18

With people like that the solution isn't a 'give us money' dictat, Thigh, as people like this will just show up with nothing.

ThighsRelief Sat 27-Jul-19 20:45:28

Some people actually don't want to spend money on gifts and hope to get away with it in the confusion of a gift table. I know someone who, without fail, gives only gifts that are very, very obviously rubbish regifts. She can afford it, she's just tight when it comes to other people.

Cosentyx Sat 27-Jul-19 20:45:04

Most people don't 'take to social media', though (MN is not social media, IIRC, it's a forum on the internet), they just decline to go and don't hand over money. But if you're seeing it as a transaction, then why not just bill it as such and sell tickets?

ELM8 Sat 27-Jul-19 20:39:49

If you're going to spend X on a gift anyway surely it's better to give them X for something they want rather than spending X on what you deem a wedding appropriate gift that might sit in a cupboard never being used?

Monestasi Sat 27-Jul-19 20:37:02

Then you're not a host. Why not just sell tickets, it's more honest?

I am a fabulous and generous host. But then I don’t have friends who take to social media with their petty attitude over wedding gifts.

Cosentyx Sat 27-Jul-19 20:07:45

I think it’s incredibly naive to not view a modern wedding as a transaction. Guest(s) get a day/night of entertainment and dining, hosts get riembursed.

Then you're not a host. Why not just sell tickets, it's more honest?

Monestasi Sat 27-Jul-19 19:46:53

Threads like this are nuts.

As is using words liked grabby and tacky.

Don’t bleeding go if that’s how you feel!!!

It’s 2019, times have moved on and people do marry more than once.

I think it’s incredibly naive to not view a modern wedding as a transaction. Guest(s) get a day/night of entertainment and dining, hosts get riembursed.

Only on MN have I ever encountered this spiteful attitude to giving what a couple request.

To the poster who whined about it not being the British way, it’s not the 1950’s dear!

Such a twisted logic on here regarding giving at a wedding.

OP, I wouldn’t want you at my wedding, and I would pay you not to attend.

BringMeTea Sat 27-Jul-19 19:20:50

I see this is still rumbling on. Top 3 utterly divisive 'issues' on mumsnet.
1. Asking for cash as wedding gift (tacky as imo)
2. Asking guests to remove shoes (rude as imo)
3. Reclining fully on aircraft in economy (non-recliner and delighted seats are increasingly immobile)

I wonder where we all fit in a venn diagram including all 3? grin

Aridane Sat 27-Jul-19 19:05:38

Laurie - because it isThe Law that you give someone a gift they do not want (eg photo frame, duplicate toaster)

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