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To not want to contribute to honeymoon fund

(496 Posts)
toooldforthisshite Mon 22-Jul-19 22:00:48

Friend is getting married for the second time for both of them. They both earn good money but spend over their means (she tells me so and will quite happily admit to maxing several credit cards to pay for £1000+ on a gift, holidays aboard etc expensive trips) they seem to want to out do each other in the elaborate gift giving for birthdays etc.
They have asked for money for their honeymoon. I don't generally agree with people doing this anyway but in this instance it's really bugging me and I don't want to fund their honeymoon when they could budget for that themselves (they are going away a week or so after the wedding to Europe as part of one of these elaborate birthday gifts but they don't want this to be a honeymoon as it's not enough apparently)
I do however want to get them a gift. I'm not sure what though.

GoFiguire Mon 22-Jul-19 22:02:06

A piggy bank?

JustMarriedBecca Mon 22-Jul-19 22:03:26

We asked for specific gifts like a fantastic Michelin starred meal or a photography course to do together. Vouchers?

MrsMozartMkII Mon 22-Jul-19 22:03:47

If you're happy to give them a gift went not give money? The net effect is the same.

VivienneHolt Mon 22-Jul-19 22:05:51

I think this is a bit judgy. Most people could save up and pay for a toaster or some fancy sheets too if they wanted, but they still get them as wedding gifts. If you want to get them a present, get them what they want instead of trying to insert your own moral principles into the situation.

RosieLancs Mon 22-Jul-19 22:06:40

You want to get them a gift but not the gift they want?

Surely it's better they have something they like and will enjoy rather than something that someone else thinks they like but will end up in the back of a cupboard

toooldforthisshite Mon 22-Jul-19 22:07:00

Do people really still ask for toasters? smile

AutumnCrow Mon 22-Jul-19 22:07:56

I honestly think so many vouchers go unused.

Isn't it easier to just send £20/£40 in a card and forget about it? Or a fiver if you really want to make a point. In coins.

catwithflowers Mon 22-Jul-19 22:09:56

Really? What difference does it make whether you give them £50 or a £50 toaster from John Lewis? Just give them a gift which will be well received and appreciated, and if that is cash, then so be it. 😶

toooldforthisshite Mon 22-Jul-19 22:10:46

@AutumnCrow would £40 be acceptable amount though?

TheFridgeRaider Mon 22-Jul-19 22:10:51

I don't get this hate towards having money instead of physical gift. Just put money you would spend on something they will probably never use into na envelope.

BBCONEANDTWO Mon 22-Jul-19 22:11:26

Give them the money - I prefer to give people money were possible at least you know they can get what they want with it.

Just like at Christmas I usually get colleagues a bottle rather than mess about with little candles and chocolates.

NoSauce Mon 22-Jul-19 22:12:00

Just give her the money that you’d have spent on the gift. Why wouldn’t you? confused

HellYeah90s Mon 22-Jul-19 22:12:55

They may not ask for toasters but people still give toasters though. I only got married 5yrs ago and I got given a toaster by an elderly relative of DH. It was quite a nice toaster though! at least I didn't get a kettle

Tbh I rather donate to their honeymoon than trudge around the shops trying to find a present.

Pinktinker Mon 22-Jul-19 22:12:58

I think you’re being petty and making a mountain out of a molehill.

They want money instead of crap gifts they won’t use, many couples ask for this nowadays. You’re only judging because you think they’re rubbish with money otherwise I assume you’d gladly just put money in a card without thinking twice.

PocaNinja Mon 22-Jul-19 22:13:02

YABU

I agree with @VivienneHolt, I can buy myself the items people buy me for birthdays etc but I still ask for them (when asked) as it’s something I need/want as opposed to another item gathering dust in the cupboard.

Veryouting123 Mon 22-Jul-19 22:16:20

It's not like you're being asked to pay for the entire honeymoon...

bwydda Mon 22-Jul-19 22:20:02

Yabu. In this day and age couples don't need cutlery, sheets, and kettles! They already own them! Money is both easier for the bride and groom AND easier for the guest- you don't have to search/ check wedding lists/ put any thought AT ALL in. Chuck money in a card (yes £40is enough) and enjoy the day.

(Though it seems you don't like this couple, and judge their lifestyle behind their back, so really I pity them paying a minimum of £25 - £70 per head to have you at their wedding. )

thedayofthethreeMagnums Mon 22-Jul-19 22:23:08

YABU

their lifestyle is totally irrelevant. You give them a gift, so something that they will enjoy and make the most of- they made your life simple by directing you towards honeymoon fund.
There's nothing to "agree with", the gift is for people who receive it. Not the time to put your judgey pants.

groundanchochillipowder Mon 22-Jul-19 22:28:59

YANBU. Grabby as AF. £40 isn't enough? C'mon, it's a second wedding, shouldn't be asking for 'gifts' of any sort. Just don't go to the wedding and send them a card.

RosaWaiting Mon 22-Jul-19 22:30:49

Just tell them they have each other, they have you as a friend, they shouldn’t ask for more grin

GetKnitted Mon 22-Jul-19 22:32:21

If you really don't want to contribute to the honeymoon fund, don't then get them a gift, because everytime they see it they will be reminded that you didn't give them anything toward the honeymoon. Unless it is SUPER thoughtful and sentimental (and they like that sort of thing).

Seeingadistance Mon 22-Jul-19 22:33:28

I'd give them a card, and maybe make a donation to an appropriate charity to mark their marriage. A charity which funds holidays for those who wouldn't otherwise be able to afford one would be my preference.

AtSea1979 Mon 22-Jul-19 22:35:18

I don’t see the issue. I always hate buying vouchers as you always feel like you have over spend rather than hunting around for a bargain. I think £40 is def enough. When it’s kids birthday parties/weddings etc I usually think how much they have spent inviting me/DC and then add a bit more.

thedayofthethreeMagnums Mon 22-Jul-19 22:38:43

maybe make a donation to an appropriate charity to mark their marriage

that's so patronising and smug it's hilarious.

Eustasiavye Mon 22-Jul-19 22:40:23

I think the fact that it is their second marriage is irrelevant. Lots of people marry more than once.
Why would you want to give them something they don't want?
Quite frankly hardly anyone is a teenage virgin living at home with their parents when they get married are they? Therefore they don't need a toaster.

PizzaTaste Mon 22-Jul-19 22:42:32

You certainly wouldn’t be invited to my wedding. The words ‘judgemental trollop’ spring to mind

groundanchochillipowder Mon 22-Jul-19 22:45:59

Of course it's relevant, when does the begging stop. FFS, they're hardly young newlyweds. Tacky as AF telling people to buy them a holiday when they're already going on one. Give them a card.

HopeIsNotAStrategy Mon 22-Jul-19 22:47:32

I entirely get where you're coming from. It may be a generational thing, but to me it feels extremely vulgar and grabby to ask for money. I can rationalise it all I want, but it doesn't sit well with me, it feels very wrong.

I think it's nice if people identify a range of china , glasses, cutlery, whatever, something they like, where people can buy a smaller or a greater contribution according to their budget and the couple get something they appreciate and will treasure afterwards.

thedayofthethreeMagnums Mon 22-Jul-19 22:49:01

Begging? grin
Why do some posters get so angry about these things! Jealousy maybe?

Many of my friends asked for contribution to their honeymoon fund. They didn't need anything, or didn't want clutter at any cost, and tried to direct the gifts towards something useful, instead of receiving "thoughtful" gifts that would be a waste of money and space.

You buy a gift to make someone happy, if their honeymoon makes them happier than a saucepan, bottle of plonk or personalised frame would, why not contributing?

Genevieva Mon 22-Jul-19 22:49:57

Lots of people don't like giving cash, regardless of what it is for. There is still that tradition of wanting to give something that is really only suitable for a young couple setting up a home together. If you don't like giving cash, you can give whatever you want - an extra special bottle of rosé champagne might go down nicely.

Bignicetree Mon 22-Jul-19 22:50:06

@JustMarriedBecca

“We asked for specific gifts like a fantastic Michelin starred meal or a photography course to do together. “

Are you joking or serious ?

thedayofthethreeMagnums Mon 22-Jul-19 22:51:25

where people can buy a smaller or a greater contribution according to their budget and the couple get something they appreciate and will treasure afterwards.

Unless they have stated a minimum amount which would be rude, you can give as much or as little as you like, and why wouldn't the couple treasure their honeymoon?
I have had very generous guests at my weddings, I still treasure my honeymoon memories a lot more than my silverware grin

glueandstick Mon 22-Jul-19 22:55:33

I broke our kettle the week after we got married. Gutted we didn’t get one as a gift.

REllenR Mon 22-Jul-19 22:55:44

I don't like giving cash so I try to think of something thoughtful they will like. If I can't think of anything, I tend to give cash in the currency of where they are honeymooning and say buy a meal on us or similar. If it has to be cash I like it to be towards something specific and not the general pot.

15YemenRoad Mon 22-Jul-19 22:56:50

You seem very judgemental, not much of a friend if this is your way of thinking. I mean, you'd rather buy a gift that they may not want or even like than just giving them cash - something they would prefer?

It just sounds petty and spiteful.

Stick some money in a card, and let them choose how they wish to spend it, that's truly not your business.

£40 is enough, I mean you could even put £20 if you truly wanted to. I would suggest £50 at least as it is a friend.

15YemenRoad Mon 22-Jul-19 22:59:32

@Seeingadistance Oh come off it, I would love to see your reaction if someone told you they donated to a charity for you for your birthday or wedding gift. How ridiculous.

15YemenRoad Mon 22-Jul-19 23:00:26

@JustMarriedBecca You actually asked for those things, like seriously?

See, now that IS grabby.

justasking111 Mon 22-Jul-19 23:00:46

I give money to children on their birthdays. Money for a wedding gift would not bother me. We gave money to a friends daughter just recently when invited to their evening do.

HopeIsNotAStrategy Mon 22-Jul-19 23:01:21

I think people feel more pressured to give beyond their means if there is a monetary value attached, it can easily become stressful or competitive. Going to a wedding is already a very expensive undertaking for many people and I think as the hosts it is good manners to be sensitive to that.

The way we did it, we chose some really lovely glasses, and even people who just wanted to give us a little token, e.g. neighbours of parents who'd watched us grow up, could buy us a glass and know it was something we'd appreciate, not a dust gatherer.

As a pp said, a bottle of champagne or a case/ bottle of nice wine is also an acceptable present in most cases that doesn't confer a duty of long term ownership.

PersonaNonGarter Mon 22-Jul-19 23:03:52

I never give cash (so tacky - can’t believe they ask!). I always buy off the wedding list though.

A gift is about both parties - and I like choosing off the list grin. I wouldn’t buy vouchers, even for experiences.

15YemenRoad Mon 22-Jul-19 23:04:48

@groundanchochillipowder Can I just point out that the A in "AF" stands for "as". You don't write as and then AF. grin

What did you think the A was for?

DearLady Mon 22-Jul-19 23:05:17

I’ve given gifts to my school friends, as I know what they like (plus they got married before cash gifts were the norm). Money for everyone else.

40 quid is fine. The amount should be whatever you can afford, not how much they expect. I hate all of this “paying for your plate” business...

PersonaNonGarter Mon 22-Jul-19 23:05:33

£40 is enough, I mean you could even put £20 if you truly wanted to. I would suggest £50 at least as it is a friend.

Urgh. This is why money is so off. Literally calculating the value of the friendship.

Beautiful3 Mon 22-Jul-19 23:07:40

Yes give them cash in a card. Better to give what they want, rather than something they'll never use. What ever you can afford is okay.

thedayofthethreeMagnums Mon 22-Jul-19 23:07:50

what's so tacky about giving cash towards a wedding list: honeymoon food? It's still a wedding list.

I don't understand this weird reverse snobbery that one must not give cash and must not contribute to a honeymoon - but silverware from a gift lift is perfectly fine

15YemenRoad Mon 22-Jul-19 23:08:21

@PersonaNonGarter So a wedding list isn't tacky but giving money is? hmm

For many cultures it is a norm to give cash, in fact it's more common to give cash than buying presents globally. The idea behind it is usually so that the couple can spend it as they wish. It's not tacky nor is it grabby. You are not obligated to gift, but if you do then why not give them money?

UsedtobeFeckless Mon 22-Jul-19 23:09:38

I don't see a problem with cash - a couple l know asked for donations towards a stained glass window, which is going to look amazing and much better than a load of "thoughtful" megrims they'll never use ... lf you're going to spend money on someone why not buy them something they actually want?

15YemenRoad Mon 22-Jul-19 23:10:59

@PersonaNonGarter Um, no it's not. What a strange way to think. I've never ever heard of someone receiving money and then going ahead to think that's what they're worth to the person. How pathetic to think that way.

People give what they can, and unless you're an entitled arsehole it's usually graciously accepted whether it be £10 or £100.

Rachelover40 Mon 22-Jul-19 23:13:26

I'd give them money and then think no more about it. It's not uncommon nowadays to ask for cash to partly fund a holiday. It makes things easier for the guest too. They may be a bit flash, splashing out with no hard cash but you obviously like them and they haven't hurt you. In time, they will have to be more careful with their money.

Iamthewombat Mon 22-Jul-19 23:13:51

Asking for money is tacky, tacky, tacky.

Yes, for some cultures is is traditional to give money. In Britain it is not. That is one of the many reasons why asking for money is tacky. If you don’t need things, like a toaster, tell guests that you only want their presence, not presents (this was the wording one friend used, which I liked).

arethereanyleftatall Mon 22-Jul-19 23:16:09

Why would you not get them what they've asked for, if you're planning to get them something? That literally makes no sense whatsoever.

'I'd really like a teapot for my birthday'
'Ok, I'll get you a coffee machine.'
Just, why?

Sunshine93 Mon 22-Jul-19 23:17:06

Urgh. This is why money is so off. Literally calculating the value of the friendship

Thats what i hate about giving money. We just can't afford to give large financial sums but you see threads like this and think that people are judging your friendship by how much you gave. I know we gave a friend £30 recently because thats what we could afford but does she now think we don't count her as a goid friend or that we are cheap? I've seen two threads today where people have given £100 as a wedding gift, to me thats unthinkable. With an outfit, transport, childcare (potentially) and possibly a hotel room I would never have £100 disposable income so it wouldn't even be possible without significant budgetting in the months leading up to the wedding.

Tavannach Mon 22-Jul-19 23:17:58

I'm not a fan of paying towards honeymoons unless the couple are totally impoverished and wouldn't be able to go away otherwise. Also, I don't think it's a honeymoon if it's a second marriage, but perhaps that's because I'm a bit grumpy today generally.
Silver photo frame ? like this. Not cheap, though. You could put a nice photo of the two of them in it, or just a card that says Long Life and Happiness so they can put their own photo in it when they get back from their honeymoon.

TheFridgeRaider Mon 22-Jul-19 23:20:08

Urgh. This is why money is so off. Literally calculating the value of the friendship.

Sure. Because thinking about how much you spend on their present is compleeeeeeetely differenthmm

"Shall we get the 40 quid decanter or the 50 quid one?"
"Shall we put 40 or 50 in the card?
Same thing. 🤷

HarryElephante Mon 22-Jul-19 23:22:40

I find wedding gifts grabby. I never take one. Didn't ask for any at mine either.

Saying that, everyone's different. Do what works for you.

SusieOwl4 Mon 22-Jul-19 23:23:54

I think you are being judgey - most couple have house set up etc by the time they get married . I know someone who said no presents but then lost of guests kept asking what they could give - so they did suggest funds towards a honeymoon - I don't see what the problem is - you don't have to give anything at all if you don't want to . I sometimes think that wedding couples cant win what ever they do . If you don't like the way they handle money then perhaps don't go at all ?

HarryElephante Mon 22-Jul-19 23:25:19

Why would you not get them what they've asked for, if you're planning to get them something? That literally makes no sense whatsoever

Exactly. Money or present, you're still spending. What difference does it make.

PersonaNonGarter Mon 22-Jul-19 23:25:38

It’s the asking for it that is really not great, isn’t it?

Don’t ask for money, unless you really need help out of a hole. Particularly don’t ask when you are having a big wedding, expensive honeymoon and your guests are already shelling out to get to the Big Day.

LottieLucie Mon 22-Jul-19 23:27:05

YANBU, there's no way I'd fund their honeymoon. Why would you? confused

arethereanyleftatall Mon 22-Jul-19 23:28:35

Why would you?
Because they're your friends getting married who you would like to buy a present for. They have suggested what they would like as that present. It would seem a fairly logical step to get the present which they've asked for.

Sparklesocks Mon 22-Jul-19 23:32:41

I know the honeymoon fund concept isn’t popular on MN but Id rather give my friends something they wanted and asked for rather than risk something they don’t like/never use. I’m spending money either way so don’t mind, and if my contribution gets them a round of cocktails or a nice dinner on their honeymoon then I’m glad I’m helping them enjoy it.

TheFridgeRaider Mon 22-Jul-19 23:33:04

*It’s the asking for it that is really not great, isn’t it?

Don’t ask for money, unless you really need help out of a hole. Particularly don’t ask when you are having a big wedding, expensive honeymoon and your guests are already shelling out to get to the Big Day.*

Applying the same principle, people shouldn't ask for gifts either

Merryoldgoat Mon 22-Jul-19 23:34:49

When I got married we’d been together 6 years, lived together 5 and had owned a flat together for a while.

I didn’t need a dinner service, cutlery, bed linen, household appliances etc. What I needed was a new kitchen, but shockingly no one was handing out £5k, so we asked for honeymoon donations if people wanted to give us something.

I don’t get why people have such a problem with it. I breath a sigh of relief when I know I can pop some cash in an envelope.

UsedtobeFeckless Mon 22-Jul-19 23:36:33

This has to be a MN thing - l don't know anyone in real life who gets this het up about weddings. Go and have fun / don't fancy it? Don't go ... Buy what they ask for / don't want to? Then don't. It's like the Overthinking Centre Of The World on here sometimes grin Although it was worth reading through just for the charity donation suggestion!

AutumnCrow Mon 22-Jul-19 23:37:26

Yes, OP, I think £40 is fine and gets the whole thing done with quite easily.

If people can't afford that, then a lesser amount. Or simply a card with a lovely message. Maybe a super verse to mirror the poetic fright they probably sent to you.

Thank you for your invitation
Hope your wedding's a sensation
I know you asked for gifts of cash
Towards your future honeymoon bash
But sadly I am short of bread
So wrote you this shit poem instead

SudowoodoVoodoo Mon 22-Jul-19 23:39:18

We asked for money for home improvements. We were set up with a home but at the stage of replacing cheap "starter" items with more deliberate quality choices. So for example we replaced the cheap Argos crockery with Denby. It seemed stupid to ask people to waste a shit tonne of money to buy first quality Denby off a list at the likes of Debenhams when we could do it far more cost-effectively by picking our timing for the sales at the local outlet that sells seconds. The year after we got married we did a lot of decorating. We weren't exactly going to put tubs of gloss white and sunrise silk finish on the list, but that is what was useful to us. B&Q type vouchers got used well. Going further off piste in M&S was not so well used. We bought some lovely glasses and towels, but that was about all that was suitable there for our home. I remember £35 got wasted on some shoes that ended up being charity shopped when I finally conceded that they were never going to get on with my feet. Great use of that present. The trouble with vouchers is having to remember to use them quickly while they are fresh in your mind or time passes and you risk them expiring and the shop being the only beneficiary.

Just giving people what they ask for is the best use of your money whatever it is you can budget. True friends are not going to judge the value of what they gave, but it is awkward if going off on a tangent results in a waste of their gift.

Catsandchardonnay Mon 22-Jul-19 23:43:17

YANBU. Asking for money is tacky and grabby. Much nicer and more personal to buy a gift and have the pleasure of selecting it and wrapping it. From the toaster shop obvs!

Tavannach Mon 22-Jul-19 23:44:00

Thank you for your invitation
Hope your wedding's a sensation
I know you asked for gifts of cash
Towards your future honeymoon bash
But sadly I am short of bread
So wrote you this shit poem instead

grin.
I've copied that in case I ever need it.

RainbowMum11 Mon 22-Jul-19 23:45:51

This is why I hate to give vouchers or £ , the feeling of being judged over the value. I never had any gift list, we just wanted people to attend & celebrate with us - but we were given some beautiful presents, plants for the garden, and all sorts; but carefully considered gifts that we wouldn't have thought of, but really appreciated.

15YemenRoad Mon 22-Jul-19 23:54:36

@Iamthewombat Um, you do realise that Britain has people from many different cultures living here, right?

You may want to re-think what you just said as it makes no sense.

MrsCollinssettled Mon 22-Jul-19 23:59:01

*Justmarriedbecca" were you really that grasping? Were all your demands like that or did you include more realistic suggestions as well? At least you gave your guests plenty to talk about.

StillCoughingandLaughing Mon 22-Jul-19 23:59:36

For me it feels like ‘We can’t afford a big wedding and a flashhoneymoon, so instead of cutting back on one or both of them, we'll get our guests - who have already paid for new outfits, travel, hotels etc. - to fund it instead’.

thedayofthethreeMagnums Tue 23-Jul-19 00:00:14

I can't understand why some posters insist on buying tat as a wedding gift. What can possibly be the point? You are wasting your money, they don't have any need or want for the "thoughtful gift", so WHY?

You receive an invitation, if you decline you send a small gift (after asking what the gift list is), if you attend you offer a lot more. Why can it possibly matter if you are contributing to a honeymoon or to a slow cooker?

There are enough threads from people puzzled or shaking their head confronted with completely unsuitable gifts, why on earth would you buy something they don't like? What kind of relationship can you possibly have if you buy a gift to be spiteful?
It's absolutely puzzling.

thedayofthethreeMagnums Tue 23-Jul-19 00:01:48

I don't understand this insistence to buy new outfits for every wedding either. No one cares, why would you bother?

leiderhosen Tue 23-Jul-19 00:01:50

I think it's lovely to pay towards a honeymoon. I'd like to think of my friends really enjoying the present and having wonderful memories.

It sounds like you don't really like your friend very much, you're being so judgey. I can't understand why you think it's better for you to give them something they don't really want but that you think is more appropriate. Weird.

TheFridgeRaider Tue 23-Jul-19 00:02:28

For me it feels like ‘We can’t afford a big wedding and a flashhoneymoon, so instead of cutting back on one or both of them, we'll get our guests - who have already paid for new outfits, travel, hotels etc. - to fund it instead’

No difference to
‘We can’t afford a big wedding and a good set of crockery, so instead of cutting back on one or both of them, we'll get our guests - who have already paid for new outfits, travel, hotels etc. - to fund it instead’
🤷

Ilovemypantry Tue 23-Jul-19 00:12:35

JustMarriedBecca

Just small gifts then?

cheeseorchickentwisties Tue 23-Jul-19 00:23:47

While you're privy to their financial situation, that won't be the case with every wedding you attend. I don't think it's fair to judge. Give what you'd normally give and hold back your judgement.
In Australia no one I know would bat an eye at giving money. I can't think of a single wedding we haven't given money to, there's never even mention of money or registry, it's just what we do. I accept though this isn't the norm in the UK.

HorridHenrysNits Tue 23-Jul-19 00:28:46

Yes, you should definitely give them a gift instead. They almost certainly have loads of stuff already, but no matter. Ideally something they cant regift or donate, for minimum usefulness.

NoSauce Tue 23-Jul-19 00:49:43

HorridHenrysNits you had me there for a minute.

bridgetreilly Tue 23-Jul-19 01:00:32

You don't have to get them anything. For second marriages, no gifts is traditional, because it's assumed (rightly, in this case) that they already have a house full of stuff.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss Tue 23-Jul-19 01:31:57

YANBU, it’s tacky and grasping enough to ask guests for cash and for a second wedding it’s even worse. They shouldn’t even be mentioning gifts.

groundanchochillipowder Tue 23-Jul-19 02:24:51

Yemen, can I just point out that I'm from Canada, and I'm Canadian British (since you're so woke about all the cultures in Britain) and the AF can also mean 'all' instead of 'as' grin so you can write 'as' and then AF grin. You know, a regional language difference even though you meant to be condescending and supercilious. Fail. grin grin right back at you.

AzraiL Tue 23-Jul-19 02:50:08

Honestly I prefer giving money at weddings. They can do whatever the hell they want with it and it saves me time either shopping off a registry or going out and searching for a gift and then wrapping it. I buy a card, pull out some money, write some soppy congratulatory message in it and I'm done. Easy peasy.

TwistyTop Tue 23-Jul-19 02:59:50

Why not just give them the amount of money you would have spent on their gift?

I don't really see the issue. At my wedding we were literally a fortnight away from emigrating abroad so we asked people not to give gifts as we'd already shipped stuff and didn't want any extra things to take with us. We said if people wanted to gift us some money that would be wonderful, but they weren't obliged. Some people gave us nothing, fine. Some gave us quite a bit of money, fine. Some gave us a tiny bit of money, fine. Obviously everyone that gave us something got a thank you card. I don't see the big deal?

TwistyTop Tue 23-Jul-19 03:07:59

Oh sorry, I've just seen that it's a second marriage. I think technically no gifts is traditional for this. Still, I think that would be a bit mean... A wedding is a wedding

MrsTerryPratchett Tue 23-Jul-19 03:29:51

Oh sorry, I've just seen that it's a second marriage. I think technically no gifts is traditional for this. Still, I think that would be a bit mean... A wedding is a wedding

A weeding is a wedding. True.

I've been married twice and frankly, if someone felt this way about me I'd much rather they didn't come. I have lots of friends who are all different with money and stuff. Takes all sorts. If I was judging a 'friend' this hard, they aren't really a friend.

Mothership4two Tue 23-Jul-19 03:41:29

Just give them what they want and forget about it. Give them whatever you would have spent on a present.

I didn't know about this 2nd wedding present 'rule'. I would feel a bit mean not giving something. It is still their 'special' day, just because they have done it before, doesn't make it less so.

WomanLikeMeLM Tue 23-Jul-19 03:50:05

You sound like a horrible friend tbh trying to be purposely goady about their wedding gift. A true friend would be happy either way.

Elle2019 Tue 23-Jul-19 04:04:47

I don’t get this at all. This is a so called friend. What has her finances got to do with anything? I would never judge my friends on these things. Why get her a present instead of money? It’s just more hassle for you having to go shopping and will just waste your money if she already has it. Maybe skip the wedding altogether as you don’t sound like a good friend at all.

Greyhound22 Tue 23-Jul-19 04:17:30

Just give the money.

What does it matter what someone earns? It's still nice to pay towards their honeymoon surely?

They are paying for you to go to their wedding and have asked you to join them because presumably they like you. If you begrudge the money don't go.

15YemenRoad Tue 23-Jul-19 04:17:37

Of course it's relevant, when does the begging stop. FFS, they're hardly young newlyweds. Tacky as AF telling people to buy them a holiday when they're already going on one. Give them a card.

@groundanchochillipowder so you're telling me that the A here meant "all", yes that completely makes sense. "Tacky as ALL fuck" hmm grin

Furthermore, I have no idea what you being Canadian has to do with anything, and nor do I understand how stating there are many cultures in Britain means I am "woke", it's just facts and common sense. That comment was not even directed to you, but you clearly struggle to make sense.

The only fail here is you, who apparently cannot read properly and takes offence over practically nothing.

cheeseorchickentwisties Tue 23-Jul-19 04:25:39

@15YemenRoad every time I see your username I read it in Janice's voice.

whywhywhy6 Tue 23-Jul-19 04:54:21

I think it is tacky to ask for money, or any gift at all, to be honest. You invite people and host them expecting nothing.

Give them a card with some meaningful words.

MaybeitsMaybelline Tue 23-Jul-19 04:56:07

It pees me off, in fact this whole current wedding greed and bridezilla behaviour does.

Wedding presents were traditionally to help the couple set up their first home. That is rarely a thing any more, I just don’t understand how it’s turned into Michelin star dinners and photography courses instead.

As though you have to buy your place at the entitled couples wedding with a very select gift in exchange for your supper.

It’s all dreadful.

groundanchochillipowder Tue 23-Jul-19 05:02:27

@groundanchochillipowder so you're telling me that the A here meant "all", yes that completely makes sense. "Tacky as ALL fuck" hmm grin

Why, yes, I am. But of course, I'm lying. But that sort of insinuation would be troll hunting and that's against Talk Guidelines grin. If you think someone's lying you should report the post to HQ to take a look.

But yes, using 'AF' for 'All Fuck' is definitely a thing here, sorry to deflate your attempt to be condescending and supercilious. I mentioned that I'm Canadian/British because, well, this is why I used the term the way I did. Guess you're just not that woke. I'm not offended, just 'pointing out', exactly as you said you were. grin

15YemenRoad Tue 23-Jul-19 05:05:50

@cheeseorchickentwisties Haha! That is awesome, I hope it at least makes you smile. smile

15YemenRoad Tue 23-Jul-19 05:09:58

@groundanchochillipowder I don't think woke is what you think it is. You keep saying it as I referred to myself as woke yet I never did. Furthermore the abbreviation AF has always been known globally as "as fuck" even a simple google would tell you that. The fact you use it as something else is not commonly known at all.

Nonetheless, your sentence still makes no sense.

hmm

Sunshinegirl82 Tue 23-Jul-19 05:28:21

Money as a wedding gift is fine to pretty much everyone in the real world it's only on Mumsnet you find all these people who have some weird issue with it!

Presents are about the recipient not the giver. I've given people some items that I consider to be truly hideous as gifts in he past because it's what THEY wanted. It's not about me.

So either go to the wedding with good grace, wish the bride and groom well and stick whatever you can afford in an envelope or politely decline and send s card. It's not difficult.

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