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To not want to give MIL full scrutiny of our finances if she’s paying school fees

(296 Posts)
Lostwords Mon 22-Jul-19 13:34:38

So MiL is maybe going to help with school fees for our son. My DH has the idea that we need to submit our spreadsheet of our finances to his Mum and that all our financial decisions become her business. I’m a bit uncomfortable with this idea. Of course she needs to understand our situation, but I’d present a summary of it rather than very detailed info? We have loaned my mum some of our savings on a short term basis, as she ran out of money to finish her building work. She is paying us back when the house sells. MiL now sees this as her business and is expressing extreme disapproval of my mum. I know that if she sees spreadsheet she’ll comment on what we should spend less on, etc. She is very opinionated and outspoken. Obvs I am v grateful that MiL might help, and want to do the right thing by everyone, but find it tricky to know where the boundaries should be. Thoughts?

Lostwords Mon 22-Jul-19 13:35:37

I should add, MiL would pay part of the fees, and we would pay part.

Waveysnail Mon 22-Jul-19 13:36:13

Er no. You tell her the fee amount and let her decide how much she wants to contribute. Otherwise start looking at state schools

sneakypinky Mon 22-Jul-19 13:36:13

No fucking way.

Why can't he go to normal school?

TheHandsOfNeilBuchanan Mon 22-Jul-19 13:36:39

Well essentially your mil is making your mother out, because of you hadn't given money to your mother you could pay your own child's school fees. So I get why she's annoyed. She's willing to help but thought it was because you need her to rather than because you were funding your mother.

TheHandsOfNeilBuchanan Mon 22-Jul-19 13:37:13

Bailing your mother out

LenoVentura Mon 22-Jul-19 13:37:29

Ooh no, no. No. If she wants to pay for school fees, fine, great, the financial relationship is between her and the school. If otoh, you have asked her to help out, then you've opened yourself up to scrutiny. If that's the deal, then don't take it, either pay the fees yourself or don't send the dc to private school.

NeutralJanet Mon 22-Jul-19 13:37:29

Not a chance I'd be ok with that. Send your son to a state school and save yourself a lifetime of grief. If you let her pay the fees she will hold it over your head forever and question every bit of money you spend on luxuries.

OoohRhubarbLetsGo Mon 22-Jul-19 13:37:32

I wouldn’t even start down this road. Either pay the fees yourselves, or don’t use independent schooling if you can’t fully afford it.

crumpet Mon 22-Jul-19 13:38:02

Absolutely a recipe for disaster

AnneElliott Mon 22-Jul-19 13:38:02

No, she shouldn't get full info on your finances. I think you tell her the fees and discuss how much you can afford. Then mil offers (or not) what she is prepared to give.

I think you'll be better off forgoing her offer as it sounds like it will come with strings attached.

BarrenFieldofFucks Mon 22-Jul-19 13:38:46

Depends on if she was asked because you need help, or if she offered because she wants to do it.

Either way, she shouldn't be casting aspersions on your mother and certainly doesn't need details.

HermioneKipper Mon 22-Jul-19 13:38:59

Definitely not. Either she helps or not - she shouldn’t be holding you over a barrel

cordeliavorkosigan Mon 22-Jul-19 13:39:13

Really, many state schools are lovely and this sounds completely batshit and a source of much upcoming conflict and misery. Not worth it!

IWannaSeeHowItEnds Mon 22-Jul-19 13:40:09

You'd be mad to agree to this. Send your child to state school and maybe supplement with private tuition if necessary. But pay for it yourself. No amount of financial 'help' is worth the strings attached!

Whisky2014 Mon 22-Jul-19 13:40:11

Have you asked her for this help?
If not, why the hell would you show her anything to do with your finances?
I could kind do understand if you'd ask her because I assume shed want reassurance you could pay her it back?

Rainatnight Mon 22-Jul-19 13:40:40

I can’t believe you’re even considering this. Of course it’s a recipe for disaster.
I’d rather home school my DC than do this.

Why does it have to be independent school anyway?

CruCru Mon 22-Jul-19 13:41:00

Who has suggested that she cover the fees? I do know of a few children whose grandparents cover part or all of the fees but I can’t believe that they’d get this sort of oversight of the family money.

From the way you’ve phrased this, I can imagine that if your MIL didn’t like something you were doing, she would then stop paying.

It might be better to refuse her offer.

justasking111 Mon 22-Jul-19 13:41:03

Er no either she helps or she doesn`t.

IWannaSeeHowItEnds Mon 22-Jul-19 13:41:46

Also once your child is in private school it feels hard to pull them out - she will have you over a barrel. You should only spend what you can afford yourself if push came to shove. Help is nice, but you should not make life choices that depend upon that help

Aquamarine1029 Mon 22-Jul-19 13:41:48

This would be one of the biggest mistakes of your life and I would refuse her financial help. She has shown you very clearly what the future holds when she is in any way involved in your finances. Unless you want your MIL as a third person in your marriage, don't do this.

RosesAndRaindrops Mon 22-Jul-19 13:42:14

No way.
Fuck that!
It's nice that she wants to help with school fees, but if it's coming with a list of conditions to hold over your head, I wouldn't be accepting.
I'd rather send them to a non fee paying school for my own sanity.
Far too controlling and involved to give her detailed rundowns of what you're spending.
Say thanks but no thanks.

sailorcherries Mon 22-Jul-19 13:42:53

No. This reminds me of the 'Friday night dinner' fiasco from Gilmore Girls. Don't do it.

Hoppinggreen Mon 22-Jul-19 13:43:11

It’s a bad idea, if we were dependent on anyone else pay school fees I wouldn’t send my dc to Private school.
If she’s trying to call the shots now at least you can push back but once your child is settled at school she will absolutely have you over a barrel

MarieIVanArkleStinks Mon 22-Jul-19 13:43:46

I'd find it impossible to accept this. She sounds an absolute control freak, and if financial gifts come with strings (no, ropes) attached it would save you a lot of heartache in the longterm simply to decline them.

It's very clear to me whether the boundary here lies: you do not present a detailed breakdown of your family finances to your MiL for her approval - not on any pretext. And if she tries to insist then I'd fully explore your other options in relation to schooling. Otherwise, life will quickly become impossible if you find your future life dictated under the control of this woman, and it could put a great strain on your marriage.

Look at the declining of these funds as a necessary investment in maintaining your marriage. Incidentally, there is absolutely no need to be 'grateful' to someone who is exercising controlling, manipulative tactics on you in this way. A 'bit' uncomfortable is the least of what I'd feel.

YANBU flowers

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