To only pay half the mortgage this month?

[TylwythTeg]

Long-time lurker, first time poster so please be gentle :) Although quite prepared to be told that I being unreasonable, I really can't see a way out of this situation.

I'll try and keep a back story brief...
I have a 2 yo ds with current partner and 2 dc with previous man, to whom I'm still married (separated since 2012). Dc spend every other weekend, and half the hols and one night a week during school terms with their Dad. He is self employed.

Current partner has a long-term significant health condition that limits what he can do on a daily basis, although some are better than others.
I have to do 99% of household related jobs and child stuff. Partner takes kids to school and picks them up on days we have them - about 250 miles a week. Partner us in the process of setting up a business so he can work, but currently contributes very little to the household income. He pays the occasional £10 food shop (bread, milk etc) if I have run out of cash and puts petrol in his car to take the dc to school.

I was until recently (about 6 months ago) giving him £300 per month to cover his personal bills. I had to stop because I couldn't afford to do it on top of paying the mortgage, bills, food, stuff for dc and I needed to buy a car to be able to get to work myself (had been sharing lifts for 7 months before).

So here's my AIBU... I have a really expensive month coming up - summer hols, eldest dc going to secondary school and middle dc needing new uniform too (albeit not much). Also I have an 18 yo ds from a further previous relationship who is going to uni in Sept and I need to pay some of his accommodation costs this month. AIBU to tell current partner that I can only pay half the bills/mortgage this month so I can afford everything else? He has some money in the bank which an investor has given him to start the business off and he has previously been supplementing his personal finances with money from his family. I'm worried that asking him for money for the bills etc will cause him stress as he'll have to find it from somewhere, but I also have no way of obtaining funds - I have no family to ask and do not want to get into debt by using a credit card etc. I have a good job and could manage financially on a monthly basis, but the dcs dad has reduced his maintenance payments month on month to nearly nothing as he's not earning much either. He will not contribute any more for uniforms, etc.

So, AIBU to think sod it, let the men in my life sort their own finances out whilst I make sure me and my dc are all ok?!

[Lemonlady22]

struth....you need to tell the men in your life that you have children with to step up....you are being taken for a mug....about the mortgage though , you really need to speak to your mortgage provider about this. Is the mortgage in your name only?

[Soontobe60]

Let me get this right.
You work full time, DP doesn't work.
You do all the child care, DP does the occasional school run.
You pay all the bills including mortgage, DP occasionally pays for break, milk, petrol.
DP is having you for a right mug! Is the house solely in your name? Did you live there before you met DP? If so, I'd be asking him for rent and a significant amount towards all household bills. Has he ever had a proper job whilst you've been together?

[autumnkate]

You need to prioritise the mortgage being paid above all your other bills and obligations.

[SleepingStandingUp]

Is your DP not getting any benefits?

Is your CM payments an arrangement between you or formal?

I think you need to talk to your bank about a payment holiday

[SleepingStandingUp]

If at all possible but Yanbu to expect your live in partner to help

[Iltavilli]

Not fully paying the mortgage is not making sure you and DC are ok, unless you speak to your mortgage provider.
The men in your life are useless, but this is the kind of emergency a credit card is for - sudden excess bills.

[IWouldPreferNotTo]

The investors money does not belong to him, its an asset of the business and cannot be used for personal expenses. Using the investors money would be deeply unethical as well as potentially illegal

[pooopypants]

You're doing 99% of the house AND kid stuff but he isn't working ATM?


Do you claim CM from the fathers of your DC?


Is your partner claiming anything re: his lack of income?


In the nicest way possible OP, you're being a doormat. You're working FT AND doing the lions share of everything else. Yes, he may have a long term condition but won't that impact on his ability to work, if he's unable to do day-to-day chores?

[SayNoToCarrots]

She's not planning to underpay, she wants her partner to pay the other half

[Drpeppered]

But he has a health condition which limits what help he is able to do around the house?

I think if a woman came on here saying she was disabled and her partner had just told her ‘next month you need to find half the mortgage’ when she had no income, the majority of posters would be up in arms about what a dick he was.

[Lemonlady22]

also , how is your partner now paying his personal bills if you stopped paying for them....and he doesnt buy milk...you do with money you give him. i know this isnt kind but you certainly picked some losers to have children with.

[bridgetreilly]

No, I think OP means that her partner will be expected to pay the other half of the bills and mortgage, not that they won't be paid.

OP, I think you need a better long term arrangement than you have, but I'm not sure that suddenly dumping that on your partner is the best way to go about it. Have a conversation with him. Explain the situation you're in and why you need him to step up a bit more financially. Work out what can be put off until the following month and what needs to be paid now.

[FudgeBrownie2019]

I'd speak to the bank and explain the situation; any kind of lender is going to be far more accommodating if they know you're contacting them and offering something; just cancelling the direct debit isn't enough and you need to maintain a positive relationship with the lender wherever possible, even if you're embarrassed or struggling.

The two men need to sort their shit out. Your DP sounds like he's living the life of riley whilst you graft and that's not ok. Your Ex also needs to step up when it comes to CM; why is he earning nothing? And why is he contributing nothing to his DC's uniform costs?

OP, whilst I'm a huge advocate for women being independent and staying financially secure wherever they can in relationships, I also think that being taken care of and knowing that a partner has your back is an important part of being in a relationship. If you're giving more of yourself than your DP is, that's unfair to you and you deserve more.

[LemonSqueezy0]

I think OP means asking DH to pay "his half" of the mortgage, not underpay the bank.

You need to rethink everything tbh. Your DH may get more support financial and otherwise, and be able to contribute more. Not sure what the answer is really, you are stuck between a rock and a hard place but I do think you sound frazzled and your DC and your own MH should come first.

[Ellapaella]

If your partner has a health condition that means he is unable to work then presumably he is unable to contribute much? Can he apply for any tax credits or benefits?

[Crazyfrog007]

Wow. I really feel for you.

Your current partner is an absolute freeloader. Who allows their partner to pay for everything? That's absolute bullshit. He needs to sort himself out. Can he apply for any benefits whilst he's not working so he can start contributing to the household he currently lives and creates half the sodding bills in?

Your ex husband needs to sort himself out too. Is his child maintenance set through CMS? If not, go through it. You didn't lie down and have these children on your own.

And I mean this with kindness, but you need to grow a backbone and start standing up to these men who are taking the absolute piss out of you!!

I'm actually really cross for you reading your story so please don't take this as me being harsh. It is coming from a place of kindness.

[anothernotherone]

Pay the mortgage - hopefully the house is in your name? It's better you keep that clearly seperate.

Your partner needs to pay towards living in your house though, whether it's rent plus a share of bills 2/5 or whatever). Two of the kids living in the house aren't his but one is, and he presumably doesn't live on fresh air and add nothing to the cost of electricity etc. Plus you'll have list your single person council tax rebate.

Who pays for your 2 year old's nursery or childminder? If he is a sahd and effectively contributes £800-1200 per month by saving the family the price of childcare then he isn't contributing nothing.

However if your joint 2 year old goes to childcare he needs to be putting at least his share of his child's childcare and bills (at least £650) into the pot every month, even if nothing towards rent.

[NoSquirrels]

You have 4 DC: 18, 11, (mid-primary-age) and 2-year-old.

18 year old's dad - does he pay anything towards education?

Middle 2 DC - can you go via CMS if you are not getting enough money?

Current partner - how much does he earn? How long has this been going on for?

Who's name is the mortgage in? Who does childcare for the 2 year old?

What are your household costs?

[TheABC]

You seem to have form for partners that don't contribute towards their children. Ask ALL of them to bloody well step up! Why should you go into debt just to cover their expenses. That includes half of the uniforms, uni payment and rent/food.

4 kids on one wage is enough to hurt anyone.

[MT2017]

If you have a mortgage / rent to pay, that should ALWAYS come first.

If you don't pay it, will DP? How can he if he doesn't have any money?

[NoSquirrels]

Your 18 year old's accommodation costs - is he getting a loan? How is his uni stuff being financed?

[Nearlyalmost50]

Mortgage is a priority bill. You can sort out why no-one else is paying later on but don't wreck your credit rating by not paying.

[TylwythTeg]

Thanks all for your replies! Very helpful as I really have no clue as to what's right or wrong any more!

For further info (and huge apologies) me and cp rent the house from
Someone and our rental payment covers their mortgage. Sorry if that was misleading...
I do have form for picking partners that don't seem to understand how much it costs to raise children, I also have another child (22) who has been through uni and now has a job and is sailing her own boat so haven't included her as she's financially independent.

I work as a teacher so earn too much to get tc etc and because dp hasn't paid enough NI contributions over the years, he can't claim esa. He put in a claim for PIP which was knocked back. The investor money is from a friend of his brother, and was to cover business start up costs, but he's paid for personal things out of it too - health care related items and some equipment here and there.

First husband has paid minimum cs over the years and a small amount towards uni costs, I'm guessing he'll pay half when the need arises for ds 18.

Currently sorting kids out etc, so apologies now for lack of immediate replies, I'll check back in as and when I can :)

[TylwythTeg]

I suppose I'm expecting dp to ask his family for money to cover his half of the bills this month - my maintenance payments have reduced from £450 a month to £28 between the two other dads over the last few months - we were doing ok until then.

Ds's uni will be funded through loans/grants etc and cash from
Me as and when.

[BarbariansMum]

Mortgage is a priority bill. No he can't dip into the business accounts to pay it either - that's fraud.

You are in a mess frankly.