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*trigger warning* How to tell DP

(65 Posts)
Changedmyname22 Sat 20-Jul-19 22:05:31

Name changed for this:

8 years ago, I was a 20 year old girl and was going through a rough patch with my partner we had been together for 4 years and engaged for 1. He was 27 and was looking to settle down but I was rebelling, going out a lot, drinking etc but had never cheated.

One night I was at a house party of a work colleague let’s call him Alan he was a 39 year old man, everyone who I worked with was there and we were all having a great time. There were 4 of us left at the end of the night drinking and dancing, my best friend at the time and her partner who both worked with me and Alan. They went off to bed and it was just me and him, we had a great relationship, had brilliant banter and I wasn’t afraid or uncomfortable being alone with him. The next thing I knew I was barely conscious I was like drunk asleep and I was aware he was having sex with me, I was too drunk to do anything but I know it was real. The next morning it wasn’t mentioned, he was acting normal, I acted normal and everyone was laughing and chatting about what a great night we had had. I blanked it out.

The next thing was me and my partner called our engagement off we wanted different things I felt I was too young to settle down and I wanted to be young free and single. Alan was very supportive at work along with everyone else when I was going through my break up. He started calling down to my house to see how I was as I was living alone. We started having sex and did so on and off for about 2 years. I always put what happened to the back of my mind. At the same time I was having a lot of casual sex, one night stands i felt I was making up for lost time as I was tied down before.

I am now with the love of my life, we have known each other for about 7 years, been in a relationship for about 4 years now. We are currently TTC our first child. He knew about my wild times as he was pretty much my friend throughout this time, he knew about my casual sex with Alan. I have recently acknowledged and accepted that what happened to me at that house party that night was rape, but yet I had sex with this man a lot after that. I want to tel DP about that happened but I don’t know how. I’m worried he will think I’m an idiot for not realising this at the time and being angry with me for putting myself in that position. Any advice? If you got through my story thank you for reading.

SuzieQQQ Sat 20-Jul-19 22:45:06

Why do you want to tell him?

HeadintheiClouds Sat 20-Jul-19 22:47:08

What outcome do you expect / want?

Smelborp Sat 20-Jul-19 22:47:40

I’m sorry you went through that OP. flowers it was not your fault.

Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain Sat 20-Jul-19 23:12:37

For the posters asking why/what outcome, because people share traumatic life events with their partners so they can understand them more.

So sorry OP. Been there myself and it’s awful x

BigRedLondonBus Sat 20-Jul-19 23:16:22

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Trixya Sat 20-Jul-19 23:21:25

@BigRedLondonBus drunk (but aware and consenting) sex you later is different to somebody having sex with you while you're barely conscious as the OP states, that is rape hmm

OP, if you feel it would help you to tell your partner, you should. I'm sorry this happened to you thanks

Trixya Sat 20-Jul-19 23:22:01

Sex you later regret* that should have said

Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain Sat 20-Jul-19 23:23:10

It wasn’t just drunken sex though, was it?
She was so drunk she couldn’t consent. The OP clearly said she was ‘Barely conscious’. Drunk asleep. Ie, should have been left alone.

TestingTestingWonTooFree Sat 20-Jul-19 23:23:36

I’m not sure what there is to gain from telling him?
The OP might benefit from some support from the man who loved her.

I’ve had drunken sex and regretted it but I don’t class it as rape?
This wasn’t just drunken sex. She describes being so drunk she couldn’t not consent to it. You don’t sound like a leading criminal lawyer, so I doubt your classification is especially well informed.

Plus you was sleeping with him for 2 years after??
So what?

HeadintheiClouds Sat 20-Jul-19 23:25:20

But op was with him for a further two years, and with her partner for the last four? Why have you decided you need to do this now, op?

Changedmyname22 Sat 20-Jul-19 23:27:45

I actually don’t know why I want to tell him, the need to tell him is overwhelming me though. I don’t know what outcome I want, My DP is a wonderful man and I’m afraid it will hurt him and make him see me differently. I think it’s because I continued to sleep with the man after is what’s making it so hard for me to tell him.

@BigRedLondonBus your response is purely what is making me afraid to tell him incase that’s what he thinks too, it definitely wasn’t just drunk sex I regretted!

Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain Sat 20-Jul-19 23:28:24

Because sometimes it takes a really long time for it to hit home that a behaviour someone else has carried out against you, isn’t normal, it’s wrong. Or you thought you deserved it at that time sad

And there is guilt, and shame, and self doubt, and not knowing how secure you feel in your subsequent relationships, to open up...

I understand, even if others don’t.

BanningTheWordNaice Sat 20-Jul-19 23:29:23

OP I’m so sorry about the responses you’re getting and I hope you’re doing okay. Of course you may only now feel ready and able to talk about what happened and want to do so to share your experience with your (hopefully) lifetime partner. I don’t have any advice on how to do that but please ignore anyone victim blaming and questioning you.

Changedmyname22 Sat 20-Jul-19 23:29:46

@HeadintheiClouds I have only just recently accepted what happened to me after reading something similar on this very site. I don’t want to keep it from my DP

MissingTheMissletoe Sat 20-Jul-19 23:29:51

Wow, @BigRedLondonBus I hope to hell you don’t have a daughter!! Fucking rape apologist

HeadintheiClouds Sat 20-Jul-19 23:29:56

Nobody’s victim blaming

SleepingStandingUp Sat 20-Jul-19 23:34:05

Op could you write it down like you have here? Then you haven't got to verbally form the words, and he can take time to process it? I think telling him is a good idea, if you're only just starting to process this, you need support. Good luck

Changedmyname22 Sat 20-Jul-19 23:35:07

@BanningTheWordNaice thank you, I’m actually regretting even creating this thread by some people’s responses. I came here for support which I have always received from the lovely MN community don’t know what’s wrong tonight!

IrishGal21 Sat 20-Jul-19 23:38:57

you bravely told mn now go and tell the man who loves u xxx

Orlandointhewilderness Sat 20-Jul-19 23:41:31

I can completely understand why you want to tell him. Sometimes it takes time for things to connect in our head - I suppose it is our subconscious way of trying to protect us from the trauma of accepting it. I suspect, if he is as lovely as you say he is, he will be horrified anyone had done that to you.

ContactLight Sat 20-Jul-19 23:43:54

This Alan person was considerably older than you (almost twice your age and I'm guessing far senior to you at work) so as well as raping you at that party, he continued to take advantage and manipulate you for two years afterwards. He clearly homed in on your vulnerability at that time. None of this is your fault.

BanningTheWordNaice Sat 20-Jul-19 23:45:09

Not victim blaming? Are you joking? The OP literally said she was so drunk she was passed out and woke up to find someone penetrating her without her consent and another poster has called it “drunken sex”, questioned her for calling it rape and wanting to talk about it with her partner. I’m not sure what you’d define as victim blaming if you don’t think that is...

BigRedLondonBus Sat 20-Jul-19 23:46:53

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

KeepHimJolene Sat 20-Jul-19 23:48:11

Many sexual abuse survivors have a delayed response to the trauma of the assault and it is normal for your memories to stay dormant until something triggers fragmented memory recall. Something has triggered this and it is forcing you to acknowledge what had happened after years of repressing it and you know deep down that Alan was a predatory male who took advantage of you and that you went on to have a consensual sexual relationship with him. Perhaps talk to a therapist about it, someone who specialises supporting rape and sexual abuse victims, they will listen and give you the help you need. (where is the flower emoji when you need it)

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