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Sons new friend is horrible

(57 Posts)
Tails5290 Sat 20-Jul-19 19:27:14

I've always said I would not choose my children's friends, until I met this one. He's a few years older than my kid and we've just moved nearby to said kid.
He is really rude to my lo, ignores him when it suits him, gets him to do stuff that will get my lo in trouble then comes straight to tell me. For example my lo isn't allowed out of the close and his friend knows this, my friend dared him to leave the close and told him he had to do it as it's a date, then ran straight to me to tell me he had been out and I should tell him off. Invites my lo to his (via PS4 chat) then when my lo gets there this boy shouts and screams at him to get out of his house. This friend is also a compulsive liar, only little things but at 10/11 should no better ie 'I've got a hot tub,my shoes coat £450, my parents are millionaires,. My lo does what this kid does though, he thinks the sun shines out of his a*se so will do exactly what this kid tells him to do, and goes along with everything he says even if it is unkind, he told my lo he was trash the other day and my lo agreed with him. AIBU to stop contact? As it stands I've told my lo he's not to play with him.

PurpleWithRed Sat 20-Jul-19 19:30:20

How old are they both? Is your child under 10? Definitely stop the contact and point out to your child how horrible the other child is being to him.

Stressedout10 Sat 20-Jul-19 19:31:04

Yanbu
This child sounds like a bully.
Could you perhaps talk to your ds about how friends should treat each other

Tails5290 Sat 20-Jul-19 19:34:34

My lo is 8. I've sat him down tonight and said it's unkind to treat another person that way and he has agreed and is currently upset with the friend as he was pretty mean to him just earlier today. He's agreed he doesnt want to play with him, but it's difficult in a small estate full of kids who are all out playing together. I was warned by another parent about this child just the other day. I can see a sh*t storm a brewing. The mean kid will get the hint soon and I can only imagine what lies he will spin to his parents about us

BitOftheSea Sat 20-Jul-19 19:38:52

Have you tried speaking to the boy or his parents?

TantricTwist Sat 20-Jul-19 19:40:07

What does lo mean?

wowfudge Sat 20-Jul-19 19:41:44

Little one.

Tails5290 Sat 20-Jul-19 19:45:53

I've approached his dad when he was ignoring my lo (little one) and he was upset and didn't understand why. His dad said he sometimes gets in moods and leaves him to it. His dad just wasn't bothered. The parents let their kids go off and do what they want really. I also don't feel if I brought this up and told them the full extent they would believe me/or even care

EvaHarknessRose Sat 20-Jul-19 19:48:23

Stop the playing out for now, delete off PS4 and arrange for Ds to see true friends. No doubt this kid has a horrible home life, but your son needs to learn boundaries and when to avoid.

vintanner Sat 20-Jul-19 19:56:53

Keep your lo well away from this child, he is trouble.

Tails5290 Sat 20-Jul-19 20:08:02

Thanks all, I was afraid I was Interfering but it looks like that's best. It's so important that I try my hardest for my kids to grow into decent adults who treat others With respect and being around this behaviour will definitely not provide that. I just hope this little boy from across the road is going through a rough patch and comes outlet other side as a decent human

herculepoirot2 Sat 20-Jul-19 20:16:51

Presumably if this other boy is 10/11 and there is a gap of several years, your child is 7? Maybe 6? Your child is too young to play with the other child. It’s not an appropriate friendship.

SavoyCabbage Sat 20-Jul-19 20:17:31

I think it’s really hard when it’s a neighbourhood friend as it’s the first friendship where the adults aren’t needed to facilitate anything.

You are going to have to have other dc round in the summer to drum into your son that he can have other friends. He doesn’t have to rely on this boy. If he’s mean to him you could say ‘well, Sam is t always kind to you but you don’t t have to play with him’. It’s probably better to try and change your son’s behaviour (wanting to be with this boy) rather than the other child’s.

Kanga83 Sat 20-Jul-19 20:19:12

Keep your son away. He sounds like more than just trouble. Trust the instincts and alarm bells.

Boredbd Sat 20-Jul-19 20:24:12

Ergh stop using lo

Lipz Sat 20-Jul-19 20:28:44

Oh your post gave me the shivers....

I had this a few years ago with a guy my eldest son made friends with. At the time my ds was 10 and the other boy was 13, not many years in the difference so I thought it would be OK to let them be friends. DS had gone many years living here with no local friends so he was delighted with himself.

I noticed at first the lying, it was small lies, things like you say about having better and bigger things than ds, he would claim to be going off on 4 week holidays and he'd still be around the area. Saying that he was going on these big days out but we'd see him playing out. Loads of small things but they mounted. Then the lies got bigger, one night he came running to our house, told us that someone had broken in and they were beating up his Mother, dh legged it down as there were 4 other kids living there, it turned out it was the landlord turfing them out, there was no violence, he was within his right as they were 10 months behind on rent and they had been served court notices to vacate the premises.

They moved to another house (same street) the lies became so much bigger, I spoke with his Mother, who was SO lovely and in the end I felt sorry for them all as she came across as super nice and he was just a compulsive liar. I decided to ignore the lies, told ds that if he ever made him feel uncomfortable or told him things that were out of the ordinary or wrong to come straight to me. Things went a bit quiet for a while, the boys played regularly, going to each others house, I got to know the parents not real well but to the point that I sat in her house drinking coffee. The lies calmed down, things were going well. Then I noticed that when he came here, he was leaving much later each time, we agreed with parents that they would ring me 10 mins before pick up, we agreed a time that they would leave, it worked for a short while, one night it went to 11pm, after ringing the parents phones over 10 times and calling to the house and no answer, I found out that they were in the pub ! this happened once more, when I said no more late visits. We decided to just do day time activities at the weekend, she was always late collecting him, it'd be 5pm, then 6pm and then much later, turned out she was working a PT job and using me for free childcare and some evenings would go to the pub after work.

After a few incidents I wanted this friendship to end, things were heating up again, ds loved this guy, I didn't know what to do. Then one day the boy called but said he had to leave early as his Mother was coming out of hospital, he told me his Dad slit her throat and tried to kill her, I thought LIAR !!!! but in the back of my mind I was thinking, oh shit, what if....... turned out to be lies.

That day he left early, I went into the living room and turned on ds's lap top to do a history check that I would do every now and then, viruses left right and centre, they got through Norton and Mcafee, the TV, the tablet, the lad had downloaded and searched and looked at porn, violent sick porn, porn with kids, porn with animals, I threw up !! I couldn't believe it, I looked at ds, I was so disappointed in him, I just kept saying over and over what have you done, I told him I'd bring him to the Guards and have him arrested as what he did was illegal, ds has severe dyslexia, his type is illiteracy, I knew he couldn't have typed in half the words, but I was still annoyed as he was involved and never stopped it or came to me. I'd been checking everything, but this guy was internet savy, he knew how to delete everything, ds was clueless, I knew he was clueless about history, cookies, cache etc.

I looked at ds and said we're going up now to that house, of course no one was in, just the boy and 3 of his younger sisters, I told him what he did was sick, wrong and disgusting and he ought to be ashamed of himself, I was really annoyed, I told him I was telling his mother etc, when I did she didn't believe me, she wasn't super nice anymore, it was all a front. She had me fooled.

The thing is, this all started off as small lies, making ds do things that he shouldn't like your boy leaving the road, there were lots of small incidents like this, it all came out later that he was telling my ds to ring childline and pretend he was being raped by his Dad, I swore after that friendship that if I ever felt uncomfortable with any friends of my children that I would step in immediately. It's so not worth the heartbreak when things escalate and you find yourself and your own child getting into trouble.

Sorry this was so long but it's so close to my heart. If you feel that this is not right, please do something

Tails5290 Sat 20-Jul-19 20:29:31

My lo is 8, just working out from school years the neighbour kid must be 10. There's a few lovely little boys around here closer to my sons age, so hopefully he can still go out and play with them. I am very much for changing my sons mindset and him wanting to end this friendship because he can see being that unkind isn't cool. I've agreed to a few play dates in the holidays with some friends from school. Just dreading the 20+ times this kid will come and knock for my son to go out and play tomorrow, he is very forward and forceful. If I tell him my lo isn't coming out, he will say 'it's ok I'll just come in and play with him' and start walking through the door without my permission. I am very straight with this kid though, not mean or unreasonable but just because my son takes his sh*t, I won't. And yes I've just realised I'm a nearly 30 year old woman who has just told you how I won't take crap from a ten year old, god how pathetic do I sound grinconfused

Yellowweatherwarning Sat 20-Jul-19 20:35:47

When my dd had an awful new friend(ndn) I invited her for tea. Helicopter dm is the way to go. I pulled her up on everything from no manners to being mean. She soon dumped dd and moved on. Dd was so relieved!
Better the awful friend make the decision and you don't appear the baddy!
Worked for me!

Skittlesandbeer Sat 20-Jul-19 20:36:11

Christ on a bike. He’s 8. You decide who he hangs with. Smilingly, you shoo away the kids who come over to your door (when you think they’re horrid). Equally smiley, cut off all the comms that don’t go through you. Watch the invitations dry up. Set up holiday activities that encourage good friendships. Sitting around on devices in summer is just asking for trouble.

Do we really have to say ‘block the little shit’, when your kid is only 8?

Ok. Here goes. Block the little shit.

Tails5290 Sat 20-Jul-19 20:37:20

@lipz

That is absolutely awful, like a horror story. I'm so sorry you and your son had to go through that. I don't like to think kids are evil but your sons friend was all kinds of messed up. That has scared me into definitely stopping contact with this kid!!! My son isn't perfect but he's not a bad kid and he's so innocent and naive about things (which I find really endearing) I would hate for someone to infringe in and ruin this. I've decided I'm going to just cool it, hopefully the neighbours kid will get the hint. I have already be warned by someone else that he is 'Sly' but I am already completely aware and luckily cottoned on quite quick. Thank you for your message it's really helped me come to a very definite solution

herculepoirot2 Sat 20-Jul-19 20:37:22

He walks into your home?

“Excuse me, you need to go home. Now. Thanks.”

Tails5290 Sat 20-Jul-19 20:41:03

Yellow weather warning, such a good way. I do call him up on his manners when he's at mine but he's just oblivious. I think I'm just in a bit of shock that kids can be so cruel. I have some much empathy, and my kids have picked up on this. My son found a wet bumblebee today that couldn't fly so he dried it off and it flew off. It was the cutest thing.

Skittlesandbeer - I've just blocked the sh*t grin

Armadillostoes Sat 20-Jul-19 20:45:22

Lipz-Have you informed the police or Social Services? A child of 13 accessing material like that is highly likely to be the victim of abuse, and he and the other children in the household are at serious risk. Also, your DS needs some professional intervention rather than a telling off if he has been exposed to material of that nature.

Nomorechickens Sat 20-Jul-19 20:46:00

Older boys who want to play with younger boys often seem to be trouble! You are the adult, you need to protect your child from unsuitable friends. You can be more forceful with him - just tell him no, your son isn't playing with him, he would rather play with kids his own age, and he is not welcome in your house. Don't open the door wide so he can come in for a start. And your child is 8, he's not really a little one is he?

Tails5290 Sat 20-Jul-19 20:50:12

Nomorechickens - he's the average size of a 5 year old so yes to me he is a little one.

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