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To think DP spends to much one-on-one time with son from past relationships?

(187 Posts)
justalittlemilk Sat 20-Jul-19 12:32:05

DP and I have a son who is 8 months old, and my only child. He has a son at 14 and a half years old (as well an adult daughter).

DP gets his son every weekend, he picks him up on the Saturday morning and drops him home on a Sunday evening. During this time I see him little to none, he spends the full time doing his sons hobby, or spending time with his adult daughter (who has not accepted our son so has no relationship with me nor him). It seems as soon as he picks up his son on the Saturday morning that my DS is forgotten. I totally appreciate the importance of spending time alone with his older son to maintain their relationship and so he doesn’t feel pushed out, but as I said it’s every weekend without fail literally since the day my DS was born.
I also understand that he only sees him once a week and wants to spend quality time with him, and he lives with our DS, but often he ends up working 6 days a week with Saturday being his only day off, and goes to work after he dropped him off on a Sunday.
When I speak to him about it he often talks about when our DS is old enough to go out and do stuff every weekend he will, but for me that’s only a small part of it, the other part is I’m left with all the care of our son, feeling like a single mother a lot of the time. I don’t live near my friends or family as when we moved in together we chose to live in his home town to keep him close to his other kids.
AIBU for feeling this way?

stilldontgiveaf Sat 20-Jul-19 12:38:22

He's probably over compensating for the fact he doesn't see his other child very often.

Sakura7 Sat 20-Jul-19 12:40:17

If he has his son from Saturday morning to Sunday evening, surely he's staying in your home. Do they literally spend all day out on both days?

It's absolutely right that your DP should be spending this time with his son, but you could make the point that you'd like some of that time to be spent with you and your son too, which would also encourage bonding with his baby brother.

Is it possible the DS hasn't accepted you either? What were the circumstances of you and your DP getting together? Maybe he feels disloyal to his mother by spending time with you?

Atalune Sat 20-Jul-19 12:41:39

Does he take the baby with him sometimes?

Oscal Sat 20-Jul-19 12:41:45

I hate it when people say they feel like a single mother, you’re really not. Its understandable that he wants to spend as much time as possible with the son that doesn’t live with him, he was around before you and that’s one of the things you have to accept if you’re in a relationship with someone who’s already got children.

changedtempforprivacy Sat 20-Jul-19 12:43:11

Your step son will soon be busy with faces, course work, seeing his friends more etc. At 8 months, your son won't remember these years, but your step son will. I appreciate the need for some balance, but I'm sure this will come with time. I say good on your husband for fulfilling his responsibilities to all his children, not just his new family.
Surely you didn't expect your husband to reduce contact with his son in favour of your baby? What if you have a further child - will your son be ignored in favour of a new baby?

Yellowweatherwarning Sat 20-Jul-19 12:44:00

Imo it isn't healthy that his dc have no relationship at all with their db.
They are all his dc, they aren't entitled to hold that relationship to themselves..
He isn't being fair to your baby either. Growing up feeling second rate...

PizzaIsOverrated Sat 20-Jul-19 12:45:19

Sorry I think YABU. Your stepson deserves time with his dad, bearing in mind it’s once a week.

F2Feee Sat 20-Jul-19 12:46:22

This is a really weird set up. Do they not include you or ds in anything - meals out, activities? Does your dss see the baby? Where does he sleep over when he is there Saturday and sunday?

Pipandmum Sat 20-Jul-19 12:46:24

Can you occasionally do something including the three of you? To be honest I think he probably doesn’t have long before his son will want to be out with his mates not hanging out with his Dad. I see what you’re saying you are literally left ‘holding the baby’, but try and see if there’s a group activity you can go along to. And point out to your husband they even his baby is still his son and needs his time too.

Pipandmum Sat 20-Jul-19 12:47:05

‘That’ not ‘they even’!

LannieDuck Sat 20-Jul-19 12:47:08

Are you planning to go back to work after mat leave? That will help from your side a bit. Won't solve the weekend problems, but will mean you're not doing childcare 24/7.

CollaterlyS1sters Sat 20-Jul-19 12:47:26

Why hasn't his daughter accepted you or your son?

SmartPlay Sat 20-Jul-19 12:48:01

You should be glad that he's not the kind of person who gives a shit about his children as soon as the relationship with the other parent ends. If you ever split up with him, wouldn't you be in favor of him spending a lot of quality time with your son, when they are together?

And if you really think that's how it is for single mum, I suggest you keep thinking a bit harder.

sparepantsandtoothbrush Sat 20-Jul-19 12:48:08

Your stepson deserves time with his dad, bearing in mind it’s once a week

While I agree with this I don't see why they need to be alone for the whole time (that's how it's coming across). They're half brothers and should be spending time with their dad together - not all the time but every now and again it would be nice if he did something with all of you

MissMalone99 Sat 20-Jul-19 12:54:42

YABU, you should be happy that he’s decent enough to still make time for his previous children. Not many men do

Dandelion1993 Sat 20-Jul-19 12:56:47

Your DH is with you and the baby all week. That weekend time with his elder son is probably really precious to him.

Also, your son is 8 months old. Let's be honest, we all know babies don't do much and I think it's good for him to spend that time showing an interest in his elder ds hobbies.

By the time your DS is 14, his brother will be an adult and probably not visiting regularly and you DH will be able to do the same for him.

justalittlemilk Sat 20-Jul-19 13:00:21

To answer a few of the questions, DP does not stay with us on the Saturday night, he stays with at the rented house his adult daughter lives in (he helps with the rent) where he lived before we moved in together. Both because lack of space in our house and to make his son feel more comfortable I think. Odd set up I know.

I often go suggest doing thinks all together, or even him taking the baby out with them but the idea tends to be rejected particularly by his son, who as I said wants to spend all his time doing his hobby. He is also extremely materialistic spoilt by his father which is clear to see doesn’t help the matter, but not an area I involve myself in.

As previous stated I totally understand that there’s still importance with him spending time with his son alone but if I was to have another child, I wouldn’t ignore many of the responsibilities of a new born because I’d rather take a toddler to soft play or the park etc. He choose to have our DS as much as I did so I don’t think it fair he picks and chooses which of the responsibilities he takes on.

vivariumvivariumsvivaria Sat 20-Jul-19 13:04:27

What sort of set up do you think WOULD be fair?

OnePotato2Potato Sat 20-Jul-19 13:04:48

I think it’s perfectly normal to want to spend time with his children from another relationship but the dynamics of what you’ve described is weird.

Do they spend all that time out of the house? Does your stepson have any interaction with his baby brother? I think it’s quite easy to fit in some ‘family’ time where it’s all 4 of you but your stepson still gets one to one time with his dad.

Also, why doesn’t the adult DD speak to you?

Isatis Sat 20-Jul-19 13:04:58

I think your partner needs to reflect on the fact that it isn't good for his son that this arrangement effectively cuts him off from his father's family and his stepbrother; it would be much healthier if he could feel part of your family when he visits, which means doing things together as a family. Can you somehow make space in your house so he can sleep over there?

OnePotato2Potato Sat 20-Jul-19 13:06:07

Posted after you answered OP

Yabbers Sat 20-Jul-19 13:07:16

Would you rather he says to his teenage son “sorry son, new family here, can’t spend time with you”

Fast forward ten years, you’ve split up, he has a new partner and baby and tells you he can only see your son EOW or once a month because of them. Your son says he has a shit time with the because they spent Saturday at soft play and he didn’t get any time to do his vague “hobby” because dad had the baby.

I guarantee you’d be posting here.

Your partner has other children. You knew that when you met him. Why whine about it now?

VenusTiger Sat 20-Jul-19 13:07:53

OP, surely as your DS gets older, he’ll be asking his dad for his time at the weekends, so what then?

Is he going to spend certain days 1:1 with each kid - that’s not realistic at all. The older kids need to understand that your DS is their half brother, end of.

Knitwit99 Sat 20-Jul-19 13:12:24

It does seem quite extreme that he spends all of every weekend away from you and your baby ds.
Sounds like his older kids don't want to spend time with you and your dp hasn't really addressed why that is.
I wouldn't be massively happy either.

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