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To find it bizarre they expect me to apologise (again)

(178 Posts)
lyralalala Sat 20-Jul-19 08:48:12

My parents were abusive. We were hit, starved (father's favourite tactic on a weekend when we had no school lunches was to sit us all round the table then eat all the dinners himself) and utterly neglected. Only my school and our paternal grandparents keeping an involvement kept us going.

Then when I was 7 my father burned my elder brother with an iron. My teacher was absolutely horrified when I mentioned it in a very matter of fact way. My headteacher called my grandparents and GPs decided enough was enough. They took me from school, collected my siblings (I'm the youngest by a way - I was the late mistake) and basically told my parents "call the police/take us to court if you want them back". Which my parents only did when the child benefit (family allowance?) stopped, but they failed as my elder siblings all very clearly said they wanted to stay with the GPs.

My father had two siblings, my aunt and uncle, and over the years my Aunt has made it very clear that she resents that we got more time from my grandparents than her children, and my uncle's children, got.

Now, I do totally understand that. I think she's a little OTT as my Nana watched her two kids two days a week when she worked and they stayed over at weekends often so I don't think there's that much more they could have done, but I do get that it must have been annoying that I was always there (her children are only slightly younger than me).

I do get it. I think my uncle's children have more of a gripe as they were young right at the time GP's were landed with us and they got very very little time when they were little because of it. Whereas by the time my Aunt's children were staying my siblings were all away to uni or their own homes.

However, I'm getting really pissed off with it being brought up and then her pausing and giving me the look, waiting for me to apologise again. I did nothing wrong! I was a child. I've said many times that I'm sorry for the situation, but it's not actually my fault.

It's a shame because it's really starting to affect my relationship with her and I regularly have her daughter and granddaughter round (my cousin is one of my closest friends) and she often pops in as well. I'm tempted to stop meeting up now because I'm fed up of being made to feel guilty.

One of my uncle's sons is similar and looks for an apology every time I see him as well. He's also bitter than my siblings and I inherited directly from my grandparents and just cannot seem to get his head around the fact that his father inherited, but my father didn't - we got his share.

lyralalala Sat 20-Jul-19 08:52:32

Sorry that was longer than I realised!

HisBetterHalf Sat 20-Jul-19 08:53:15

Wow how selfish is she! Does she know about the abuse?

mimibunz Sat 20-Jul-19 08:56:11 might want to tell them it’s time to reframe the belief that it’s your fault. The fault lies only with your parents. Tell them firmly if they are looking for an apology to visit your parents, but you won’t be playing the game anymore.

LegoPiecesEverywhere Sat 20-Jul-19 08:56:58

I am so sorry for what you went through. You need to shut it down though or else they will keep bringing it up. Do not apologise. They are being ridiculous. How could they feel anything but empathy?

EAIOU Sat 20-Jul-19 08:58:20

Do not encourage this self indulgent, victim type behaviour.

You had a difficult and horrible upbringing and were rescued from that situation.

You have nothing to apologise for. When you do say sorry it feeds into their poor me I missed out drama. Dont do it.

A simple oh well will do.

drinkygin Sat 20-Jul-19 08:58:34

I would honestly tell her to fuck off. “Aunt, you honestly want an apology from me for being a victim of child abuse? Really??”. Selfish horrible woman.
I’m sorry for what you went through flowers

BruceAndNosh Sat 20-Jul-19 08:58:43

"I don't know how many times you expect me to apologise for something that was outside of my control - I was a child. I refuse to apologise for the fact that my parents were abusive. I refuse to apologise because our grandparents were decent enough to give us a home. Do I expect YOU to apologise for having the normal childhood that I dreamed of? "

RedSheep73 Sat 20-Jul-19 09:00:45

They expect you to apologise for taking more than your share of grandparents' time because they had to care for you when your parents were abusive? that's nuts. Yanbu.

ColdCucumber Sat 20-Jul-19 09:01:18

I don't know why they're after an apology at all. You were children in an abusive family environment and your grandparents looked after you.
What would you apologise for.
Sounds like an awful time for you. I hope you can find peace with this and realise you're not to apologise.

MrsElizabethShelby Sat 20-Jul-19 09:01:20

Wow, how did your grandparents manage to produce three utterly vile children?

Tell her to fuck off. You don't need to justify anything.

KeepFuckingOff Sat 20-Jul-19 09:02:01

Your aunts and uncles sound fucking awful. Don’t apologise any more! Tell them to go and see your parents for the apologies!

fiydwi Sat 20-Jul-19 09:02:56

Wow! I think this is one of the saddest things I’ve ever read. Grown up adults resent their abused nieces and nephews because the ended up living with their grandparents.
Just wow.
I’d have to call them out on it and then cut them off. Sorry you had a shit childhood. I had one too and my grandparents tried to intervene by calling ss but they weren’t in a position to have us themselves or I expect they would have. SS didn’t seem it serious enough either so I was stuck with my alcoholic abusive mother until I moved out in the middle of my alevels.
What utter selfish vile people.

Sending you lots of love op xx

Hockneypool Sat 20-Jul-19 09:03:51

Good grief Lyralalala you have had a hard time. Your GPs did a good job looking after you all.

Two things spring to mind. You have nothing to apologise for, and I think your aunt and uncle’s son know this. It doesn’t help you or them to keep
going on about the past. I think it’s about keeping you in your place.

If you can, and I know it’s hard, try not to apologise, ignore it and move the conversation on - or see them very little - if that is possible.

MollyButton Sat 20-Jul-19 09:04:02

I would be very inclined to apologise - choose somewhere as public as possible (maybe the middle of a family lunch where everyone is gathered) and then say something on the lines of:
"Auntie Sheila (for example) I would just like to apologise, I know you resent that I got so much more attention from Granny and Gramps than your own children did, and that I was always at their house when my cousins visited. (You could apologise to your Uncle here too if you want). I am very sorry that your brother was abusive to me and my siblings. I am sorry that he starved and neglected us. I am sorry that he burnt George. I am not sorry that Granny and Gramps intervened and took us out of that awful situation. But I am sorry that you were inconvenienced in any way. Now you have your apology I hope you will never bother me about it again."

AuntyMarysBigRedPants Sat 20-Jul-19 09:04:33

Jesus wept, do not bloody apologise. I would probably confront them and ask them what they want me to say
Thank God you had your grandparents

Foslady Sat 20-Jul-19 09:04:37

Ask her when she is going to apologise for her siblings behaviour towards you, when she says it was out of her control remind her she was an adult and you were an abused child, if your grandparents hadn’t stepped in you could be dead before you had reached adulthood, and you take it that is what she wanted?

Badwifey Sat 20-Jul-19 09:04:42

Oh op that sounds awful.

She needs to get a grip tbh. If any of my nieces and nephews were treated like that by their parents then I would be only happy for them to be removed. I could never resent a child for the actions of their parents.

She sounds really pathetic that she demands one on one attention for her children from their grandparents. There is 6 kids in my family and they hardly ever get alone time with grandparents!

I think you need to sit her down once more, on her own, and tell her what happened. Give her the worst examples of the treatment your parents subjected you and your siblings to. If she continues to make you feel guilty then I would go nc with her but explain to your cousin why you have chosen to do so and tell her you hope it won't affect your relationship too much.

Stayawayfromitsmouth Sat 20-Jul-19 09:05:50

Wow. I have no words. What vile and selfish woman.
You have no reason to apologise to her. I would reduce visits. She had no right to expect childcare off the grandparents. You've clearly been worn down by this woman's entitled attitude. She is completely and utterly wrong.
I wonder if you would consider some sort of therapy for yourself to break the cycle of feeling you need to apologise for your own existence. You don't btw.

SuperLoudPoppingAction Sat 20-Jul-19 09:06:29

They are cockwombles and you don't need them in your life.
I'm sorry your early years were so tough.
Glad you had your grandparents to show you affection and care. You deserved every scrap of it.

1stmonkey Sat 20-Jul-19 09:07:40

I would hope that you're just looking for reassurance rather than actually wondering if you're in the wrong.
Of course you don't need to apologise. You are not to blame. Your aunt is obviously hurt and wanting to blame you, but you mustn't take responsibility for her feelings. Her issue is about her relationship with her own parents. If she's not prepared/not able to address it with them, i would suggest you try to disengage when the topic comes up.

HillRunner Sat 20-Jul-19 09:08:51

It sounds like all three of your GPs children are pretty nasty pieces of work!

I'd refuse to apologise for anything. The situation was not your fault, and you were the victim, not them. If anything, they, as adults at the time , should apologise for not stepping in to help you and your brother sooner.

Your cousins spent their early years not seeing their GPs as much as they'd have liked. You spent your early years being starved and physically abused. There is no comparison at all.

AdoraBell Sat 20-Jul-19 09:09:19

So your aunt is jealous that you were neglected and abused to the extent that your GPs took you away from the abusers? I’d ask her to explain that next time.

fedup21 Sat 20-Jul-19 09:11:58

What horrible people. Don’t apologise once let alone repeatedly.

In fact, every time she does this (tbh, I would walk out if she does it again), I would list all the abuse you suffered and ask her if you wants you to apologise for that?

ImaginaryCat Sat 20-Jul-19 09:12:19

What I find astonishing in your post is how you're managing to find anything in her response to 'understand' and empathise with. You keep indicating you think she has some grounds for her resentment. If she's aware of the reason your grandparents took you in, then the fact she feels in any way hard done by is outrageous. She's a massive piece of shit, quite frankly. Any decent human being would be nothing but relieved for you that your GPs rescued you, and if anything would be prioritising your needs over their own DCs, given that they've presumably never deliberately starved or burnt their own children.

YOU HAVE NOTHING TO APOLOGISE FOR. She's a selfish witch and quite frankly I'd be telling her she doesn't appear too different from her abusive brother.

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