DH refusing to consider moving - AIBU?(168 Posts)
DH and I live in London. He is from here, I am from Wales. We met here. We live in an expensive area where he was brought up in a rented two bedroom fourth floor flat (no lift) with 18 month old twins. As you can imagine it's very difficult.
I am not working and haven't been since DTs were born. He is a building contractor and has been struggling for work. We can't afford to buy here or rent anything larger. I want to move to wales as we could afford a four bedroom house with a garden. Work would be harder for him to find but he isn't working much here anyway and for what we pay in rent it would be less than a mortgage on a nice house.
All of his friends and family are here, the majority of mine are in wales. The schools in our area are poor. Wales are better. We are at an impasse and he won't discuss moving. I don't know whether or not to push it but I feel so trapped in a small flat with young children. AIBU?
Push it. I can't imagine living my whole life in the city I would hate it. Does he like it when you visit?
How would you pay for the mortgage on this big house if he has periods without work?
He hasn't even working much now and we find money for the rent which is more than what our mortgage would be. The mortgage on the "big house" would be half the price of the flat we currently rent.
I suppose I worry if I push it he will be miserable but I genuinely believe this is best for our children, we are overcrowded, struggling to get up and down the stairs every day, have no outside space and live in a very urban area with no parks or green spaces nearby and crap schools.
He would be leaving behind all of his friends and family and wouldn't know anyone except my friends and family in wales.
You met in London, you live in London. Have you ever mentioned previously that you would would like to move to Wales at some point?
You probably wouldnt get a mortgage anyway as you have no income and your DH struggles for work (and you admit that it will be harder for him to find work in Wales).
@HilaryBriss that's interesting as FH's argument is "we met here" as well.
I don't see the logic to that as when we met we were both single, living in London without a family so our circumstances were different. We planned to buy a house here for when we had children but then his work dried up and we couldn't afford to, so it's not as if we are on some kind of planned and agreed trajectory, we have had to be flexible.
I would push towards moving, but to something very affordable to start. Maybe a nicer flat than you have now or a small house. Rental preferred. That way he has time to build up his business and if it isn’t working out for your family, you can easily move back.
Could you not compromise and move to an outer borough suburb of London and have a decent sized house, greenery and still be near his friends?
@Kpo58 I've suggested that but he won't move to a suburb.
I would hope that parents would prioritise what is best for their dc, not themselves. Of course you both have a preference for being close to your own family and friends, but there doesn't seem to be much benefit to your dc staying in your current area of London. Unless you can move to a more suitable home and area of London, it sounds best for your dc to move.
It's very common for couples to move out of London when they have kids, you are not asking anything unreasonable.
Find a rental yourself. Dts in a more dc friendly environment will vastly improve your lives. If he can't see that he is a tool....
I could not imagine being wrenched out London as you propose - YABU
Smarti I would try and see if he's up for renting in Wales first, worth giving it a try? 4 flights of stairs with 18 month old twins 1
He's being ridiculous, its obvious the current situation is no good, fair enough if he doesn't want to move as far as wales, leaving his work, friends and family but he needs to compromise and consider a suburb at least.
I'd push for a move of some sort.
You met in London, you live in London
You could substitute any town or city for London. What I mean is like this - I come from city A. If I met someone here in city A and we then set up home here, I wouldn't be very interested if they then decided that they wanted to move back to their hometown 300 miles away. I would be like 'Well you knew I was from A when you met me, all my friends and family are in A, why do you think I would want to move somewhere where I know no one?'
I'm not saying that is the right attitude but it is how I would feel if I was your DH.
Have you got enough savings for a deposit for a house purchase?
So he’s not just against moving to Wales, but also anywhere outside London? He’s completely unreasonable!
Living in a small flat, with no outside space nearby, is not great for a child. If he won’t compromise I’d be inclined to move back to Wales with the dc, I wouldn’t want to be married to someone so selfish.
Remind him at one time your dts were Welsh eggs in your ovaries. They aren't from London are they?
If id only ever lived in one place, all my family and friends were there, it was being suggested I relocate somewhere that wasn't exactly compatible with popping back for short or impromptu visits, and that place would leave me with even worse prospects of reliable work I don't think I would be that enthusiastic.
You've previously relocated and settled elsewhere, it probably seems less of a big deal to you, but that doesn't mean it is for everyone.
So, if staying where you are in the flat you're in isn't sustainable, what is his suggestion? Have you asked him openly what he would change to improve things?
How is he struggling for work in London? There's been a slight slow down , DB works in a plumbing related field and lots of his friends are tradesman, they can't command the £500 a day that were on until recently but all still earn way way above the average wage, you have to be good at your job though and not cut corners, word of mouth is the biggest thing on large sites/long subcontracts in London. If he's not self motivated enough to earn a regular wage in construction in London, you'd better be able to earn good money in Wales.
I don't think he's unreasonable really.
Did you tell him before you got married you'd want to move to a cheaper place? I'd be very unimpressed if I'd met someone in one city and married them and then they wanted me to move. Presumably if he wanted to move at some point he would've suggested he was open to that way before now.
I wouldn’t move from London to Wales, so I’m kind of with your DH here. Your idea of swapping a rented 2 bed flat in London for a mortgage on a four bed house in Wales doesn’t sound that realistic if you’re a sahm and your DH is struggling for work and will get even less (and probably at lower rates) if you move. Building work needs a bit of a reputation doesn’t it?
If you’re going to move you need to be thinking about better employment opportunities, not worse ones
But if you’re miserable there needs to be some give.
Twins can be brutal when they’re younger. Could part of it just be the exhaustion? Does DH do much of the getting them up and down the four flights? Does he feel the problems you feel with the cramped space and the poorer schools? Would you feel better about staying if you went back to work? Is there another area where employment opportunities would be better that your DH could consider?
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