To still be upset about wedding

(104 Posts)
Arc123 Thu 18-Jul-19 21:12:57

We got married 6 weeks ago and I'm still really struggling with how drunk my husband got at the wedding. It's something we discussed before as although he doesn't do it often he has a habit of getting carried away and doing something to upset me so he agreed not to get really drunk and seemed fine with this. He also knows he upsets me when he's like that and we've had multiple times of him apologising but I don't feel he truly gets it as he can never remember what he actually did!

During the night a couple of times I said he shouldn't have any more but with everything going on I didn't see him much until it was time to leave and I then realised he'd clearly continued drinking. The taxi driving nearly refused to take him and he had to stick his head out the window for the whole journey. We then got to the hotel and he couldn't remember how to get to our room (he checked in earlier so I hadn't been). I had to struggle with millions of buttons on my dress whilst he passed out on the bed. What was worse was the way he looked at me when I said I needed him to help, realistically I know it was the effort of the dress that he was thinking of but the look of disgust on his face at helping me won't leave my mind. I know usually everyones too tired after the wedding for much to happen but I was really looking forward to us having a drink in the room and talking about our day especially as we hadn't seen each other much apart from photos.

I also tried to get him away from his friends to talkn to other people but he kept going back, it was also a struggle to get him to say bye to anyone. He also vanished for ages with his friends and missed lots of people leaving.

I've spoken to him but am really struggling to forgive. My worry is that if he can't stick to something which was important for me on our wedding how likely is he to do it another time? Don't think it's helped by the fact he didn't reply to my messages whilst he was on his stag which massively triggered my anxiety which only really went back to normal a couple of days before the wedding.

I spent my wedding night in tears on the sofa in our hotel room. I know he can't change anything but I'm struggling with this being the final memories of our wedding day. Everyone commented on how relaxed I was on the day which was cos I wasn't fussed about most of it (I'd have been just as happy with an evening party), the only thing that mattered to me was us spending the day together and I feel that for him the most important thing was getting drunk with his friends.

Sorry for the long post, I think part of my just needed to get this off my chest!

OP’s posts: |
julensaor Tue 23-Jul-19 23:54:04

Good god, getting pissed at his own party is now alcoholism. Classic projection.

jonricko Tue 23-Jul-19 18:38:05

I’m sure others have pointed this out: your new husband clearly is an alcoholic. It takes one to know one - I am one. (Sober 13 years now).
You story reminds me much of MY experience with my beautiful bride way back when: I was a huge “partner” - the life of every party. She knew it, but thought I just went overboard sometimes. Truth of the matter is - I was alcoholic and once started drinking it became almost impossible to stop (until I passed out). It took me years and years to kick this nasty, nasty problem - but with my wife’s love, support and help - I eventually did. We are still together going on 35 years now. My wife suffered so much - humiliation, frustration, uncertainty, rage, sadness - you name it. Why she loved so I just don’t know - but I was an am sure grateful for it. All these years later - my wife is truly my soul mate: nothing we haven’t faced in past together and not overcome; nothing we can’t face in the future together and overcome. When we got married all those years ago - she was very naive, and so was I. Neither of us realized..
Clearly your husband is the same - I feel for him, and I feel for you. Until HE can reckon with his alcoholism and put it behind him - it will be very tough for both of you on those occasions when he cracks a beer etc.
My advice? If you really love him - help him. It will be very difficult, but if you make it you - thru the process you will become closer than most would think possible.
Good luck to you! Good luck to him!
Curse the damn life ruining alcohol!

DesertMamma Mon 22-Jul-19 17:44:15

Hi There!

First and foremost, I'm so sorry that you didn't have the wedding night that you had envisioned for yourself and your new hubby. No matter the size of a wedding, all the planning and expextations that go into making that day so special can be very overwhelming. But, in my experince, just as it is with everything eles in life, the acual day of the wedding usually has a few hiccups! My own wedding included! Try and remember though that the wedding is just one day in what should hopefully be a very long and happy life full of special experiences (and laid back ones that are just as memorable!)

With that being said, I do think that trust may be an issue for you both that you may want to seek some help building on. Look at his stag night for example, I think it's okay that he didnt answer your calls. Now I dont think bachelor parties are a freebie to cheat or act so out of character that the actions warrant rethinking the marriage! But it is traditionally a time for your parnter to be able to be on their own one last time. In advance to that night you can let your parnter know how you feel about boundaries, but from there you just have to trust that they wont break your trust. You chose to marry him for a reason.

As far as his behaviour at the wedding (not saying goodbye to guest, drinking to much, disapearing with friends...) some people simply don't know how to be a good host! Weddings are a difficult mix of hosting and enjoying the day. Most guest will understand if the bride and groom want to just relax and enjoy themselves, but if your expectaions where for your groom to play host more, then perhaps in the future when throwing a party together there needs to be a converstaion on what his responsibilities are. If you feel like he ignored you and chose to just celebrate the day with his friends and not you, well then you may want to really think about if you both are on the same page when it comes to how you see your relationship evovling over the years to come.

Sometimes its hard to acknowkedge when we're not on the same page with our partners about what our expectaions are, but it doesnt mean that we cant get there together. If you can forgive him for going over board at the wedding, try and focus on all the great experinces you to will have in the future. Remeber to be honest with him and encourage him to be honest with you.

CremeEgg2 Mon 22-Jul-19 16:09:47

It's on metro too 🙄

Mamakitch Mon 22-Jul-19 16:07:14

Reading all of these comments, I need to raise my hand and confess "I drank too much at my wedding and passed out, after vomiting in the toilet of our suite, after my newly wedded husband undressed and showered me."

I had been horribly sick and medicated and didn't read the contraindications on the medicine Do not use with alcohol. But I still drank too much, no excuses. I'm not a selfish prat or a drunkard, nor do I disregard my husband's feelings. Did I mean to miss out on my wedding night? No! Was my husband upset and irritated? Yes! But we didn't get married thinking that the next 60 years were going to miraculously be a constant honeymoon. Or that we were never going to disappoint each other again. A piece of paper doesn't make us immune to mistakes. We were going to have to forgive each other when necessary.

Three years later, my husband and I are in a better position than ever. He has forgiven me as I have had to forgive him.

I'm sorry you have found yourself in this situation. Only you can decide if this behavior is consistent with who he is, or if it was a one-off.

Dlraetz Mon 22-Jul-19 13:10:41

I didn’t see anyone say this so I will. You married an alcoholic who is still in denial. The look of disgust was not at you or the dress. It was at himself. Please go to Al Anon ASAP. You need the help they can provide

clicketyclick66 Sat 20-Jul-19 23:13:58

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-7264391/Bride-reveals-upset-drunk-husband-wedding-day-parties-friends.html

clicketyclick66 Sat 20-Jul-19 22:57:58

And Daily Mail
Bride reveals upset over drunk husband on wedding day

MissChananderlerbong Sat 20-Jul-19 22:00:21

To be fair it's just one day and your actual marriage sounds good.
If he has apologised try and move on. I know it's hard, culturally we put so much pressure on the day being perfect.
But you still married the man you loved!
He sounds like a decent guy otherwise.
Try and write a list of all the things you loved about your wedding day?!

Igetknockeddownbutgetupagain Sat 20-Jul-19 21:53:48

This thread has been printed in The Sun online... confused

apple.news/A4mNsdAHdT_qhoWrt7OceIQ

clicketyclick66 Sat 20-Jul-19 19:54:30

designated driver, not drinker

clicketyclick66 Sat 20-Jul-19 19:53:32

OP, it's very difficult to know how to advise you. Does his general behaviour make up for him ruining the most important day of your life? Is he a good person in every other way, can you talk to him about anything, is he a good provider, is he affectionate, is he kind?
I've been married 23 years, and I can honestly say my dh has all those good characteristics.
But I don't like him when he's been drinking. I've tried to ask him to drink less but I've been told to mind my own business. He works in a stressful job and he says he has a right to enjoy himself at the weekend. But I'm the one that has to sleep in a seperate bed because of his loud snoring following a session, and deals with his hangovers. I was left alone a lot with the children when they were babies while he was at the pub. I often felt if I did the same the children would have been removed from our care!
I had to give up drinking alcohol because on nights he was designated drinker he was ordering his 3rd pint when I had barely finished one glass of beer. So I would have to switch to water. It never seemed to bother him that he could be caught by the police.
Once, we attended my brother's wedding with our 3dc who were all under 6 - he got so drunk had to be guided to the room, he went into the bathroom where he fell asleep (with door locked) leaving us with no access to a toilet all night.
Another time, my MIL was furious as I was working 24 hour call on a Sunday, he was sick with a hangover she had to mind the children while he slept it off.
I could tell a few more stories.
My ds is 18 and has vowed never to drink, he sees his df acting and talking stupid constantly post alcohol consumption.
Taking all that out of the equation, he is a great husband.

motherofcats81 Fri 19-Jul-19 23:15:06

Sorry that first bit was supposed to be in bold - quote not me!

motherofcats81 Fri 19-Jul-19 23:14:23

@Nesssie I'm sure it will be very classy..... but assuming you both stop short of throwing up it'll be fine! One of you will need to find the way back to the hotel bedroom or maybe delegate that to the best man?

Have fun and enjoy not remembering a thing! It'll be great!

Or just have enough that you're still able to remember, get back to the hotel, not pass out .... if you are able to stop at that time of course, but it would appear that fun for you is totally shitfaced!

@plasterboots Nessie didn't say anything about being totally shitfaced, throwing up or passing out - not sure why you've leapt upon her like this but it's a bit uncalled for really.

julensaor Fri 19-Jul-19 22:54:41

@plasterboots
*OP I'm not sure what I can offer you, he was a prize twat but it can't be undone.
Good luck I hope you fine done resolution and peace*

What a load of utter bollocks, using your own choice phrase.

@GabsAlot
A party are people on crack here-its two people making a commitment for the rest of their lives not a fucking piss up he can do that another time

planning the wedding, the preparations, the wedding ceremony, the meal, the photos, the greetings, the thank yous, the stress; let him get drunk at the end of it. Even if you are upset it certainly should not be a dealbreaker for you where you need to find ‘resolution and peace’ ffs; it is just something you move on from and @cricketballs3 has it in one

Op - if you were in tears on the night and still this affected 6 weeks later I would ask if you actually want the marriage or was it the wedding?

Champagneformyrealfriends Fri 19-Jul-19 21:16:21

And we’re still married-he’s a knob but I love him. Most of the time. grin

Champagneformyrealfriends Fri 19-Jul-19 21:15:11

If it’s any consolation, I was a tiny bit pregnant when I got married so wasn’t drinking and my husband stayed downstairs much later than I did, drinking and having “fun”-he’s not a big drinker now at all but 4 years on I just tell him he was a knob. I suppose it depends on your relationship though. Oh, and my sister had to help me undo 180000 bloody hook and eye things. Ffs grin

MrsWeeks Fri 19-Jul-19 21:07:07

Girl I feel ur pain... I hope he apologizes and does at least a little something to make you feel like he understands the hurt he caused and makes an effort to show you that he is truly making a change in his drinking habit.. If he does, do your best to let it go for the sake of the marriage. When a man tries to show that he is changing but it seems to never be enough, they can have a tendency to exactly what you don't want them to do. I say this from 20 yrs of marriage. Alot of these other posts seem to already have you looking forward to a divorce, that's no way to start a marriage. If you were like me and my husband, and starting out young, then you both still have a lot of growing up to do. Grow up together and not apart. If he truly does have a drinking problem then be his biggest cheerleader to get sober. You can do this without being an enabler and without tearing him down. Congratulations and I hope you both have many happy years together! Make the most of it because they can go by way too fast!

cricketballs3 Fri 19-Jul-19 20:01:45

at our wedding, DH was moving table to table to socialise with all guests and ended up with a drink at every table, cue getting to the hotel and he passes out...it's a funny anecdote that is still told 24 years later.

Op - if you were in tears on the night and still this affected 6 weeks later I would ask if you actually want the marriage or was it the wedding?

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 Fri 19-Jul-19 20:00:19

Aww bless you hun. Can you try to see ot a little differently to try to get passed it? At the end of the day, the most important thing is that you are married to each other. There are always things that don't go the way you think. And as others have said, there is so much pressure on weddings these days, if he likes a drink its not surprising he got carried away. My husband was merry and he hardly ever drinks.

Noeuf Fri 19-Jul-19 19:30:33

At my first wedding my ex h made a mockery of it. Through drink. It was excruciating to remember.

Yours sounds like lots of weddings tbh. Unless there is more I would keep working on the reducing the drink when he's out. I doubt anyone (guest) would remember him badly for it?

Arc123 Fri 19-Jul-19 19:25:21

@user1493413286 that's exactly what I've been doing and it is helping.

To be honest these situations are rare, it probably just sounded worse as we've been together for 12 years so although infrequent they are multiple. I also know he's not doing it on purpose, a few people mentioned peer pressure which is exactly what happens to him only at 39 I feel he should be stronger at not giving into this.

He has apologised but I think it took me a while myself to realise quite why I was so upset which I think stems from not sticking to what he said rather than the drinking itself. If he'd have admitted that he probably wouldn't be able to resist then at least I'd have been prepared! After reading this I think I'll have another chat so he can understand more.

We did have a lovely honeymoon in Australia so think those of you who said about it being a bit of a come down from the wedding and back to normality are probably right as well. Is just a struggle with my anxiety to know when I'm overreacting so glad others can see the issue and good to see it's happened to others!

OP’s posts: |
CatG85 Fri 19-Jul-19 15:38:41

Very torn on this one.
I do really feel for you if it reduced you to tears on your wedding night and that you didn't have the private time together once the day was done to reflect. However, I feel it was his day as well. And yes, whilst you should have spent more time together (something you both should have made sure you did at different points throughout the day), that's how he chose to enjoy it. Sadly it was too much in the end but some people's judgement does get clouded once they have a drink and maybe his friends were egging him on too.
My friend did this at her wedding and had to be carried up to her room but we all put it down to her having a really good time and just overdoing it. It's a long, emotional, tiring day full of nerves and people usually buying you drink.
I really would just let it go now. It's one day which, yes should have great memories, but it's about the rest of your life together. If he keeps doing it then you have a problem.
As for the not replying on his stag, should he? I didn't even dream of texting my DH on his or expected him to text me on mine.

plasterboots Fri 19-Jul-19 15:23:52

@Nesssie I'm sure it will be very classy..... but assuming you both stop short of throwing up it'll be fine! One of you will need to find the way back to the hotel bedroom or maybe delegate that to the best man?

Have fun and enjoy not remembering a thing! It'll be great!

Or just have enough that you're still able to remember, get back to the hotel, not pass out .... if you are able to stop at that time of course, but it would appear that fun for you is totally shitfaced!

Nesssie Fri 19-Jul-19 15:19:17

My wedding will be a laugh then wink

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