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Page 5 | To still be upset about wedding(104 Posts)
We got married 6 weeks ago and I'm still really struggling with how drunk my husband got at the wedding. It's something we discussed before as although he doesn't do it often he has a habit of getting carried away and doing something to upset me so he agreed not to get really drunk and seemed fine with this. He also knows he upsets me when he's like that and we've had multiple times of him apologising but I don't feel he truly gets it as he can never remember what he actually did!
During the night a couple of times I said he shouldn't have any more but with everything going on I didn't see him much until it was time to leave and I then realised he'd clearly continued drinking. The taxi driving nearly refused to take him and he had to stick his head out the window for the whole journey. We then got to the hotel and he couldn't remember how to get to our room (he checked in earlier so I hadn't been). I had to struggle with millions of buttons on my dress whilst he passed out on the bed. What was worse was the way he looked at me when I said I needed him to help, realistically I know it was the effort of the dress that he was thinking of but the look of disgust on his face at helping me won't leave my mind. I know usually everyones too tired after the wedding for much to happen but I was really looking forward to us having a drink in the room and talking about our day especially as we hadn't seen each other much apart from photos.
I also tried to get him away from his friends to talkn to other people but he kept going back, it was also a struggle to get him to say bye to anyone. He also vanished for ages with his friends and missed lots of people leaving.
I've spoken to him but am really struggling to forgive. My worry is that if he can't stick to something which was important for me on our wedding how likely is he to do it another time? Don't think it's helped by the fact he didn't reply to my messages whilst he was on his stag which massively triggered my anxiety which only really went back to normal a couple of days before the wedding.
I spent my wedding night in tears on the sofa in our hotel room. I know he can't change anything but I'm struggling with this being the final memories of our wedding day. Everyone commented on how relaxed I was on the day which was cos I wasn't fussed about most of it (I'd have been just as happy with an evening party), the only thing that mattered to me was us spending the day together and I feel that for him the most important thing was getting drunk with his friends.
Sorry for the long post, I think part of my just needed to get this off my chest!
First and foremost, I'm so sorry that you didn't have the wedding night that you had envisioned for yourself and your new hubby. No matter the size of a wedding, all the planning and expextations that go into making that day so special can be very overwhelming. But, in my experince, just as it is with everything eles in life, the acual day of the wedding usually has a few hiccups! My own wedding included! Try and remember though that the wedding is just one day in what should hopefully be a very long and happy life full of special experiences (and laid back ones that are just as memorable!)
With that being said, I do think that trust may be an issue for you both that you may want to seek some help building on. Look at his stag night for example, I think it's okay that he didnt answer your calls. Now I dont think bachelor parties are a freebie to cheat or act so out of character that the actions warrant rethinking the marriage! But it is traditionally a time for your parnter to be able to be on their own one last time. In advance to that night you can let your parnter know how you feel about boundaries, but from there you just have to trust that they wont break your trust. You chose to marry him for a reason.
As far as his behaviour at the wedding (not saying goodbye to guest, drinking to much, disapearing with friends...) some people simply don't know how to be a good host! Weddings are a difficult mix of hosting and enjoying the day. Most guest will understand if the bride and groom want to just relax and enjoy themselves, but if your expectaions where for your groom to play host more, then perhaps in the future when throwing a party together there needs to be a converstaion on what his responsibilities are. If you feel like he ignored you and chose to just celebrate the day with his friends and not you, well then you may want to really think about if you both are on the same page when it comes to how you see your relationship evovling over the years to come.
Sometimes its hard to acknowkedge when we're not on the same page with our partners about what our expectaions are, but it doesnt mean that we cant get there together. If you can forgive him for going over board at the wedding, try and focus on all the great experinces you to will have in the future. Remeber to be honest with him and encourage him to be honest with you.
I’m sure others have pointed this out: your new husband clearly is an alcoholic. It takes one to know one - I am one. (Sober 13 years now).
You story reminds me much of MY experience with my beautiful bride way back when: I was a huge “partner” - the life of every party. She knew it, but thought I just went overboard sometimes. Truth of the matter is - I was alcoholic and once started drinking it became almost impossible to stop (until I passed out). It took me years and years to kick this nasty, nasty problem - but with my wife’s love, support and help - I eventually did. We are still together going on 35 years now. My wife suffered so much - humiliation, frustration, uncertainty, rage, sadness - you name it. Why she loved so I just don’t know - but I was an am sure grateful for it. All these years later - my wife is truly my soul mate: nothing we haven’t faced in past together and not overcome; nothing we can’t face in the future together and overcome. When we got married all those years ago - she was very naive, and so was I. Neither of us realized..
Clearly your husband is the same - I feel for him, and I feel for you. Until HE can reckon with his alcoholism and put it behind him - it will be very tough for both of you on those occasions when he cracks a beer etc.
My advice? If you really love him - help him. It will be very difficult, but if you make it you - thru the process you will become closer than most would think possible.
Good luck to you! Good luck to him!
Curse the damn life ruining alcohol!
Good god, getting pissed at his own party is now alcoholism. Classic projection.