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Aibu to think is just luck or your parenting that makes your child behave ?

(330 Posts)
havinganothertry Thu 18-Jul-19 15:57:07

I spent a day last weekend at a picnic with a big group of NCT friends and their partners/ husbands. All our kids are 3 ish now and some have littler ones too. All the kids played nicely ( around 20 kids) apart from two. These two have perfectly lovely parents, who did try to correct their behaviour to no avail. Is it a consistency or wording thing, as in maybe they don't correct them at home? These two children were shouty, grabby, rough and one kept taking other kids food or toys by snatching it away from them aggressively.

Now my DS is a bit of a wall flower these days, he's pretty shy. However he has not been prefect as around 1 yrs he went through a hitting phase. I had to follow him around all the time to stop him before he lashed out and tell him no instead of getting to chat with the other mums blush

So aibu to think these parents weren't parenting enough or was it just luck for the rest of us ? My DS doesn't get threats like no more tv if you do x at the moment, so I see 3 is a tricky age. However most of the kids would be in some sort of preschool so surely used to being around other and this bad behaviour from a few isn't allowed there ?

meepmoop Thu 18-Jul-19 16:07:06

I think some of it is personality based, my DS can not control his frustration he's two and a hair puller. I always follow him around like a helicopter to prevent it and he gets told off. He will react towards whoever/whatever frustrates him.

My sisters twins however will cry and run/whine to their mum instead of at the source of frustration

Teddybear45 Thu 18-Jul-19 16:09:52

Parenting all the way at that age.

MargoLovebutter Thu 18-Jul-19 16:10:49

Parenting all the way - 100%. Babies and children go through different developmental stages, test boundaries and don't always behave how we would want them to. How we react to them determines their behaviour as a result.

Sirzy Thu 18-Jul-19 16:11:30

Both. All children have different personalities so that is bound to have some impact

mbosnz Thu 18-Jul-19 16:11:40

I think some people have the knack of making their children mind, and some people don't have so much of that knack.

And of course, some kids went back for seconds, when high spirits were being handed out!

I feel very, very, very fortunate that my kids are neurotypical. I know how lucky I am to know that if I get an email from the school it's going to be positive, and same when it comes to parent teacher interviews and reports.

MrsBungle Thu 18-Jul-19 16:13:17

I think it’s parenting personally.

EcocabbyRickShaw Thu 18-Jul-19 16:13:28

Yep, I'd say parenting all the way.

That's why mine was always so perfect <delusional>

JacquesHammer Thu 18-Jul-19 16:13:31

I think personality!

My DD has never misbehaved, never had tantrums, would just do as she was asked.

Certainly don’t think it was anything I did grin Complete luck of the draw!

Cutantrim Thu 18-Jul-19 16:13:34

One of mine was like this. Later diagnosed with ASD. When he was small my NCT gang would look on in horror and then congratulate themselves on their own stellar parenting. hmm

BarrenFieldofFucks Thu 18-Jul-19 16:13:51

It's a combination. Anyone who says it is just parenting is nuts, they're all individuals.

Cutantrim Thu 18-Jul-19 16:15:09

My SIL was like this over my lovely and well behaved niece. My nephew, who exploded along a few years later, is adorable and an utter little monster. grin. Ha!

Didiusfalco Thu 18-Jul-19 16:15:25

I have one who behaved really well at that age and one who didn’t. I thought I was an amazing parent until I had dd wink

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall Thu 18-Jul-19 16:15:35

I have 4 boys and I’d say personality plays a huge part

fruitbrewhaha Thu 18-Jul-19 16:16:01

They are only 3.

Pipandmum Thu 18-Jul-19 16:16:02

While it is parenting some children are more aggressive and insolent than others. They may also have underlying issues. It certainly isn’t luck though. In the nature vs nurture debate I come down on nature every time, but children have to be taught to control their impulsive behaviour and that is down to the parents.

pallisers Thu 18-Jul-19 16:16:10

Both. Children have different personalities and some are more strong-willed than others and some have lower thresholds of getting overwhelmed etc. but consistent, firm parenting and refusal to tolerate bad behaviour will work. It sounds like the parents were ineffectual in correcting their child. If a 3 year old grabs other kids' toys, you tell him firmly no and give the toy back to the other child. If he does it again, you don't keep saying no. you remove him from the situation and tell him he can only go back when he can behave.

babba2014 Thu 18-Jul-19 16:16:32

At the age of 3 any child can act up because terrible 2s do not leave just because they turn 3. I think the age or 3 is the point where they act out randomly the most.
So eg normally my niece really acts out a lot. We went out one day and the entire day she was so well behaved. It was my 3 year old acting up which wasn't normal of him in that way.
They grow out of it but I couldn't base it on parenting style or birth when they are 2 or 3 years old. That's like the no judgement age.

Iggly Thu 18-Jul-19 16:17:04

I like to say parenting because mine were pretty great as pre schoolers 😂
But as we know, special needs may not be known yet. Also there is an element of personality shining through which requires different responses.

We can all be better parents but sometimes we don’t know how.

Oblomov19 Thu 18-Jul-19 16:17:25

Both. 'Nature and nurture'.
All very easy for you to say if your got a quiet, wallflower. What if a child is naturally 'spirited'? Bet you'd find that draining.

Those posters saying totally parenting? Bullshit!

I have a friend with 5 kids. She's says they have similarities, but are very different personalities. How do you account for that?

theSnuffster Thu 18-Jul-19 16:17:29

My son was little like that as a toddler. He was never unkind/ aggressive/ never snatched toys etc but he was very difficult. Wouldn't sit still, ran off, didn't listen to instructions. He has since been diagnosed with ADHD.

We parent our dd in the same way and she's generally very well behaved- has her moment of course for example she gets a bit shouty if she's very tired and sometimes smacked her big brother if he really winds her up- but otherwise she's fine, always perfectly behaved at school too.

So no I don't think it's always parenting.

MyCatHatesEverybody Thu 18-Jul-19 16:17:47

At that age for NT children, mostly parenting. The child's personality will determine which methods you use to tackle bad behaviour and how easy or hard it is to implement.

Teacakeandalatte Thu 18-Jul-19 16:19:01


Sirzy Thu 18-Jul-19 16:19:36

At that age for NT children,

And herein lies the first problem with trying to say it’s all parenting. At that age many parents will be unaware that their children may have additional needs. Or just be starting to wonder and not spoken to anyone yet

SimonJT Thu 18-Jul-19 16:19:53

Pure luck, my son is calm, listens and rarely has tantrums etc, it most definitely is not my parenting.

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