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In being very upset and disappointed and a little annoyed that mother of friend has not given permission for me to speak at funeral?

(61 Posts)
newlifenewname Mon 30-Jul-07 10:55:37

I asked funeral director to liaise and just had call back to say that my friend's mother has said it is no reflection on me but she wants the service over quickly.


okay, but what about the rest of us for whom saying goodbye 'properly' and personally is important.

I empathise, I really do, but I also feel this is quite a selfish reason.

PellMell Mon 30-Jul-07 10:59:17

I can't believe you are even asking.

allgonebellyup Mon 30-Jul-07 11:00:00

sensitive subject really, i can understand the mum wanting it over and done with, but surely youre allowed to say a small speech or reading? can you talk to her at all?

TootyFrooty Mon 30-Jul-07 11:00:25

YABU. The poor woman has just lost her daughter. It's up to her who speaks at the funeral.

allgonebellyup Mon 30-Jul-07 11:01:24

actually thinking if it was my dd, i just wouldnt want to listen to anybody yapping round my ankles, i would be in so much grief i would just want it to be over.

Sparkletastic Mon 30-Jul-07 11:01:25

Is there going to be a wake of any kind? Might be an opportunity of sorts to speak there. I don't think you can say her mum is being 'selfish' - just suffering terribly and grieving I should think... Your friend, but her child after all.

newlifenewname Mon 30-Jul-07 11:01:35

She abused her son. He killed himself. She wants the funeral over quickly. That's why I'm asking.

MerlinsBeard Mon 30-Jul-07 11:01:41

YABU, its not up to you how the funeral is run or who speaks and for how long. She has just lost her daughter fgs

Carmenere Mon 30-Jul-07 11:02:09

Ohh sorry NLNN but I think you'd better just absorb this and back off. Out living a child is one of the worst things that can happen to a human being and you have to respect her wishes. She is allowed to be as selfish as she wants.

MuminBrum Mon 30-Jul-07 11:02:21

Why don't you offer to organise a memorial service for a year or so from now so everyone who wants to speak can do so, once the first rawness of bereavement has died down?

PellMell Mon 30-Jul-07 11:02:22

I'm sorry I forot to say that I am sorry for your loss.
Only you know the reason why it is so important to speak at your friends funeral, your feelings might be hurt but this is not the time.....

mamazon Mon 30-Jul-07 11:02:36

i think that you must understand that family comes first. i can totally understand the desire for the service to finish as quickly as possible.

if you really wish to say a few words then why not organise a service of rememberance at a favourite spot. you can organise for some of her freinds to be there and you can all say what you would like without worrying about upsetting her family

MerlinsBeard Mon 30-Jul-07 11:02:39

who did? the mother or the friend? and why does that make a difference as to whether you should speak or not?

expatinscotland Mon 30-Jul-07 11:02:44

Are you for real? Her child is dead. She is having to bury her child.

And you're riled up because you can't get your way at someone's funeral?

StarryStarryNight Mon 30-Jul-07 11:02:49



maybe showing the mother who has lost a child some support and sympathy wouldnt go amiss... Calling her selfish? This is ugly

Heaven forbid that the wishes of mourning friends should take priority over mourning mothers, fathers and close family

FoghornLeghorn Mon 30-Jul-07 11:02:56

son - Tooty Frooty - you obviously haven't read nlnn's other threads.

It is hard nlnn but I think ultimately his mothers wishes have to be the overruling factor. I do feel for you, I really do

Kewcumber Mon 30-Jul-07 11:03:01

I'm sure that it is hard for you but it is a million times harder for her so I think you will need to be sensitive. Can you talk to her and ask who is speaking and give them some feedback on what your friend was like to incorporate into a general speech.

persephonesnape Mon 30-Jul-07 11:03:55

when my mother died we had a very simple quick ceremony, no readings, no hymns or music. I wanted it done. If you feel the need to express your grief, please try to do it in a way that doesn't upset her family. how about a wake or a gathering of her friends a few weeks later for a memorial service.?

newlifenewname Mon 30-Jul-07 11:04:19

Like I say, I do empathise with what I can only imagine a mother's grief to be but given that I spent hours and hours talking with my friend about the horrible flashbacks he had to his childhood where his mother and her brother abused him sexually, physically and emotionally I just feel that she is doing a major cover up as ever. My friend's true supporters, those of us that loved him unconditionally need and want to say goodbye - not to brush him under the carpet.

flowerybeanbag Mon 30-Jul-07 11:04:20

Sorry but I think YABU - your friend's mother has said it's no reflection on you and I think if she wants the service over quickly that should be respected.
It may be important to you to say goodbye 'properly', but if everyone who was close to your friend also wanted to do the same the service could end up dragging on and on which could be very upsetting for the family.

I don't think saying goodbye personally and properly has to mean speaking at the funeral - you could do something else more private, like write your friend a letter or go somewhere which is significant to you and 'talk' to him/her.

Sorry for your loss but I do think feeling annoyed about this is unreasonable.

Sparkletastic Mon 30-Jul-07 11:04:22

Right - whatever their relationship she must still be suffering (with guilt too from what you've said). She is in charge of this one unless he appointed someone else as executor. Can you organise a memorial event for friends?

moljam Mon 30-Jul-07 11:04:55

newlifenewname ,i can understand how you must feel in circumstances but sadly its still her choice

allgonebellyup Mon 30-Jul-07 11:05:11

so its the son who died? and the son who was abused by this mother - and he committed suicide?

the mother would obviously be guilt ridden and facing a whole load of emotions, i dont think your reading at this time will help anyone.

maybe later on?

Saturn74 Mon 30-Jul-07 11:05:16

I am sorry for your loss.

I don't think this woman is being selfish.
She's dealing with the situation in the best way she can.

It is difficult for you, and sad that you cannot speak at the service to honour your friend.

But this woman has lost her child, and is probably just trying to get through the days as best she can.

Perhaps you could invite other friends to your home or a local pub for a few drinks to honour your friend, and say what you want to say there instead?

TootyFrooty Mon 30-Jul-07 11:05:28

Foghorn : "son - Tooty Frooty - you obviously haven't read nlnn's other threads."

You're right I haven't. Hadn't realised that meant I couldn't post on here.

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