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Declining to visit the In-Laws for the first time in 10 years!

(63 Posts)
InnerSteel Wed 17-Jul-19 12:36:26

Hubby and I have been together 10+ years and 6 years ago we moved 5 hours drive (when the roads are clear) away from the inlaws. Everytime hubby has wanted to see his family we have visited. They do come down occasionally and visit us. Their last visit to us was at Easter and our last visit to them was at christmas.

I have been finding stuff increasingly difficult and have recently been diagnosed with fibromyalgia and IBS. We have 3 boys (aged 8, 6 and 2) and a large dog. Going to visit the inlaws means staying with them, all of us in one room. There would be a total of 5/6 adults and 5/6 kids in the house, plus pets. Christmas with them was hard, lots of stomach bugs, big gatherings and I really didnt cope well. We still went even though I really didnt feel up to it and I regret it. I love the inlaws, but its just becoming too much.

Am I being unreasonable to say no to going up this summer?

mbosnz Wed 17-Jul-19 12:40:18


But if you do go, is there any chance of an Air BnB nearby to make it more comfortable?

Jupiters Wed 17-Jul-19 12:41:11

No, YANBU in those circumstances.

InnerSteel Wed 17-Jul-19 12:42:10

Nope. They "insist" we stay with them.

frazzledasarock Wed 17-Jul-19 12:44:54

I wouldn’t go under those circumstances. If DH insisted I’d wave him and the kids off and enjoy the peace.

Bet he’d only do it once without you.

mbosnz Wed 17-Jul-19 12:45:16

They can insist, but that doesn't mean you have to accede!

Tell them these are the options, we come, but we find ourselves alternative accommodation nearby, where we can be comfortable and less stressed, or we don't come at all. Which do they prefer?

Idontwanttotalk Wed 17-Jul-19 12:45:56

Could you stay elsewhere? It sounds awful to all be crammed into one room.

Or could you just say your health means it is too difficult now but that they are welcome to visit you?

Cheeserton Wed 17-Jul-19 12:46:55

they insist
So say no! Get somewhere else to stay. They can't physically force you!

MsPavlichenko Wed 17-Jul-19 12:47:20

They can't force you in reality. Why not book somewhere nice, treat it as an actual holiday and also plan time spent withh them. Then tell them after you have arranged it.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Wed 17-Jul-19 12:48:26

If DH wants to see them (and no reason why he shouldn't); he takes the kids and you chill out for a couple of days.

WhenISnappedAndFarted Wed 17-Jul-19 12:49:51

Could you both meet halfway and rent somewhere? My DP and I live that far from his parents and we'll meet them halfway for 3/4 days.

SallyWD Wed 17-Jul-19 12:52:31

I feel quite strongly that people should visit their families (particularly elderly parents /in laws) but I agree it sounds very uncomfortable there. It doesn't matter at all if they insist you stay there - you just say no! My parents live a similar distance away and we often stay in an air bnb so we have our own space. If my sibling are visiting too it's just too cramped. I can't stand being uncomfortable and not having my own space. If you just explain in a kind way how difficult you find sleeping with the kids etc I'm sure they'll understand.

InnerSteel Wed 17-Jul-19 12:52:53

Financially, we cant afford to book somewhere to stay.
We could have, but I did cub camp recently with one child and left hubby in charge of 2 kids and a dog.
I came home to £250 worth of damage. (It would have been £800 if we hadnt had pet insurance!)

WhenOneFacePalmDoesntCutIt Wed 17-Jul-19 12:54:48

They can insist you stay at theirs, they can't force you. they probably mean it in a very nice way - it's cheaper, and it's what many families do (I know MN posters are against anyone staying over ever, but in the real world people do).

It's perfectly fine to book a proper holiday somewhere else this summer. Could they come and visit instead at some point?

billy1966 Wed 17-Jul-19 12:55:04

Definitely don't go. You have enough on your plate. As advised above, send husband with children and have a rest. Agree to mind the dog. Non-negotiable. Also, never agree to squash 5 of you into one room again.
Recipe for hellish experience!

InnerSteel Wed 17-Jul-19 12:55:43

Also, it took me a week to recover physically from cubs camp, (and I was mostly sitting down doing crafts).

sweeneytoddsrazor Wed 17-Jul-19 12:57:29

If you dont feel up to it say you aren't well and stay home with dog let DH and Dcs go.

What on earth happened whilst you were away.

girlywhirly Wed 17-Jul-19 13:02:09

YADNBU. Loads of visitors and all of you crammed into a room together, it must be a nightmare with IBS if you need the toilet urgently and it is in constant use. Christmas sounded horrific. It all sounds no rest for you at all and actively damaging to your health. Have the in-laws educated themselves about your conditions, or do they assume you can ‘just get on with it’? In which case you need to spell it out and DH needs to back you up.

sneakypinky Wed 17-Jul-19 13:02:23

Wtf did he do when you were at cub camp?!

Zaphodsotherhead Wed 17-Jul-19 13:04:37

You explain to them that your health is poor, and the journey and stay would be too much for you. You tell them that your DH and the children are quite free to come without you and you will stay behind with DDog.

Your DH will probably not want to travel all that way and stay in a room with the children, but that is up to him. Don't make yourself ill(er) trying to please others.

InnerSteel Wed 17-Jul-19 13:05:33

- the dog either caught a v.nasty bug or (more likely) ate something he shouldnt have...he ended up on a drip spending 2 nights at the vets...£600 vets fees
- he also managed to hit a rock in the road (the size of my head) and wreck a brand new tyre.
- also somehow the tv screen was minorly broken (suspect a toy being thrown by 2 year old)
- also the baby was throwing up when I got back and no washing had been done. (Washing up done ONCE).

I suspect he was so busy staring at his phone (games) he "forgot" he was responsible for 2 kids and a dog as well.

Teddybear45 Wed 17-Jul-19 13:06:27

Send the kids with your DH and you can spend the time with a bottle of wine?

poobumwee Wed 17-Jul-19 13:06:49

You are juggling two really debilitating illnesses and your family. It is totally reasonable to not want to travel several hours, to then stay in a cramped house. I imagine not getting decent sleep would really impact on your health. It would be a definite "No thanks" from me, while ensuring your in laws are perfectly welcome to visit you. It is perfectly understandable that you would not want to put yourself through this

Bookworm4 Wed 17-Jul-19 13:07:27

Cub camp is usually only a few days, how on earth can he not manage 2 kids and a dog? Was the dog injured?
Send DH and kids and you and DDog enjoy the peace.

StarlightIntheNight Wed 17-Jul-19 13:09:48

That sounds awful. I would definitely not go. I would send dh with one or two of the kids. Or just send DH to go if the kids don't want to.

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