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To consider leaving cause he wont kick his son out?

(44 Posts)
turtlesoup Mon 30-Jul-07 00:30:44

bit of background: Share a house with dp, our ds 3 and his grown up son 35!

big ds very nice guy, flamming lazy and obsessed with mountain bikes. Room like a rats nest, but not really a pain.

Problem is i'm 22wks pg and i know dp's son aint going to go without a push and i'm really getting wound up at thought of squishing new baby into a corner cause bike boy won't play grownups and get his own life and give our spare room back.

Dp quite a bit older than me, i'm only i year older than this son, so not exactly step-mum!

Bit of distance and vibes between me and dp at mo, mostly cause i'm cutting off over this. History has taught me not to step between dp and his other kids, so keeping mouth shut to dp about how trapped i feel.

Had a fantastic idea to dramatically leave at 8 months pg (when I start materinty leave), in dp's camper with ds and have new baby "somewhere else". Bit teenage I know, would make point but probably cock things up for ever more

dp coughing and doing loud yawning upstairs so better attend to cover tracks

Tortington Mon 30-Jul-07 00:34:42

yes bit teenage andtotally not practical - who will have your 3 year old should you go into labour?

have you een hada conversationa bout it

what does the son say?

fransmom Mon 30-Jul-07 00:35:26

35???????????

gawd grief girly. no wonder you stressing.

i thik you might well have to bite the bullet and sit your dp down and say that you "i am bit worried about (big ds) we like having (bds) there but you wondered maybe if (family, dp included) might be holding him back in some way?" so that all of you are included in an abstract way and it's not necessarily put across you want him shifted.
hth x
good luck x

turtlesoup Mon 30-Jul-07 10:02:02

yeah i know custardo, just felt good to dream about it. Had plenty conversations to both about it, and i like your approach Fransmom, could try that.

Situation is that dp is worried big ds wont cope on his own. He lived with mum for 7 years before falling out with her last year (well her husband and an iron bar!). Bit awful and dramatic athe time, but did inherit a mummied bike boy.

Have turned him around a bit.. bank account, driving licence and job all got since moving in with us.

BUT lives like a stinking rat given the chance, very capable and intelligent guy, but got his dad convinced he'll go ferrel if hes left to own devises. Sneaky sod

Still no room for my needs here, every time baby kicks i think bloody hell!

EscapeFrom Mon 30-Jul-07 10:04:53

He needs to be allowed to go feral then! Jesus that's pathetic. I feel sorry in my hear for you... make him share a bedroom with his 3 year old brother? Brothers share, that's what my eldest had to do when I had another baby!

LoveMyGirls Mon 30-Jul-07 10:08:17

Yes say baby needs its own room otherwise will keep your 3 yr old awake if he doesnt like it he's old enough to move out but your 3yr old isnt!!

Leati Mon 30-Jul-07 10:10:35

turtlesoup,

Instead of having him kick his son out...suggest he gets a larger place to accomadate all...

"Baby doll, I would never want to interfer with your and DS's relationship and this place just isn't big enough for all of us. So in order for us to continue this BLISSFUL arrangement, I need you to provide us with a larger home. And if you can afford it a maid to clean up after DS ."


Being the occasional bitch is can be an essential part of womenhood.

Carmenere Mon 30-Jul-07 10:11:59

Oh your dh needs a talking to! Does he not realise that it is his job to house train his children? FFS if a bloke reaches 35 without having a life of his own well the parents are very much to blame (if he doesn't have sn).
It is cruel not to push him out to the world and of course he will cope and if he has some problems, well he will have to learn to overcome them like the rest of the people on the planet. And anyway if he does have a few problems surely you will all be close by to give him a hand?
This is nonsensical and I am not suprised that you are upset. I have a dss of 18 and he is lovely but has his moments, I love him but am looking forward to him going to uni. It is not normal to expect you to live with his adult children unless there is a specific reason.

KaySamuels Mon 30-Jul-07 10:12:05

Oh ffs! 35! When I saw thread title I immediately thought you would be referring to a loafing teenager!

Does your dp not want him to have a life? What sort of future will he have living with his daddy? Does he have any respect for himself? Does he work? Have friends?

If he is slack on the housework side of it he could always pay a cleaner to come to his place once a week for him. Am sure feral living won't kill him!

Go with the conversation fransmom suggests. He needs to learn to stand on his own two feet. If he has acheived things whilst living ith you you could sell his moving out as the next step in the process.

Dropdeadfred Mon 30-Jul-07 10:12:08

I would be tempted to speak directly to your DP and ve very blunt. Tell him you think he's a wonderful father to his big ds and you are so please that in the time he's been with you he has achieved so much. But tell him that he has another ds and one on the way to now consider. Perhaps you could both help Bigds get a room/flat/bedsit/houseshare somewhere close so his dad could visit him often ( with a hoover!)

caterpiller Mon 30-Jul-07 10:13:16

YANBU. I have a step-son but he moved out when he was 19. His room was a tip and he was lazy noisy etc. Fortunately this was a natural time to move as he was starting uni.

My dh was always touchy about him too.

Things are fab since he move out. Everyone gets along great now I don't have to see all the bad parts. That's how it should be.

35 is way too old. It sounds as if your husband is allowing this to happen out of guilt. When did he split from your step-son's mum?

Anyhow, his priority now should be his young family.

themoon66 Mon 30-Jul-07 10:21:33

I know a bloke of 36 who still lives with his mum. He is right mucky messy bugger and I have no idea how his poor mother puts up with it.

If he has a job, why can he not move out and take all his crap with him?

ninedragons Mon 30-Jul-07 10:42:19

If nothing changes, every time the baby needs changing dump it in his arms and say "oh, Feckless Lazy Overgrown Stepson, could you please change Darling Newborn's nappy? Thanks, you're a sweetie." Every adult member of a household has to pull their weight, after all, and you would not be remiss in pointing that out to your husband if it causes family tension.

And buy cheap no-name nappies that leak, to make it that bit more unpleasant for him.

That ought to have him looking through the classifieds in no time.

I find a lot of baby boomers are guilty that their children can't afford a place of their own and won't push their grown children out of the nest, but really, everyone can find something they can rent. It may not be the Bang & Olufsen/Poggenpohl bachelor pad of their dreams, but there must be something out there he can afford.

turtlesoup Mon 30-Jul-07 11:26:45

lordy feels good to know i'm not skewd for getting fed up about this! Thanks for wonderful ideas on tackling this.

Yep dp is guilty, but in his own stressed out world at the mo. Told him we need to talk to big ds with renewed serious tones, but he thinks later is ok (birth months away, whats the big deal argh)

So what do you think of plan B

I tackle big ds alone and tell him to minimise disruption to small ds they will have to share a room from next month, so we can get the baby's room ready and get small ds settled in what will be his room alone eventually.

i absolutely agree with every comment about how pathietic this is. Dp even tells big ds that its "wrong, wrong , wrong" to be with your parents at this age. Big ds is just playing on dp's guilt and lazy arsing it here.

Ha ha not with small boy in bedroom with him. That should get him saving up preety quick.

Mellin Mon 30-Jul-07 11:32:51

My 30 year old BIL still lives at home. My in-laws always make excuses for him and say they just want to help him out. But they really aren't doing him any favours by letting him live there so long, he seems to regress further into childhood every time we see him. DH has given up speaking to his brother and parents about the situation.

Which is the real issue for you - that there won't be enough room for the baby? Or that you have a 35 year old man-child living with you?

If it's just the space, then suggesting to DP that you move somewhere with more room might solve the problem. But if you are annoyed with the man-child situation (as I would be) then I think you are really going to have to bite the bullet and speak to DP about it. Beating around the bush with sarcastic comments or gestures won't solve the problem and will probably make everyone (not just DS) annoyed. Yes it might upset things between you and DP, but you really need to address the issue before the baby comes.

Does DP have any other adult children (DS's siblings) who might also be concerned about the situation and might talk with their Dad about it to back you up?

caterpiller Mon 30-Jul-07 11:34:57

Unfortunately, it has to come from the 2 of you. If you say this to big ds without your dp's knowledge, when big ds tells him it will make you look silly and he could then come between you and dp.

Can you get dp to agree to a set date, say within the next couple of weeks when you will discuss it properly, without your big ds obviously? It really needs to be settled soon to give him enough time to be long gone before the baby is born.

Judy1234 Mon 30-Jul-07 11:38:38

Poor you. I suppose that's a risk of dating someone with that kind of age gap. Go for men 20 years younger and you avoid I suppose. But it's not good he can't manage on this own. Probably his parents' fault when he was 20 not to make sure he knew he had to be independent. I wonder if your partner expects your 3 year old still to be living at home with him at 35.

TootyFrooty Mon 30-Jul-07 11:39:27

Are you aure big ds would tidy up if small ds was in with him? I'd hate to think that your 3 year old will end up in a "rats nest"

Mellin Mon 30-Jul-07 11:39:45

PS. not sure if sharing a room is such a great idea. Won't the 35yo be up much later than the 3yo and disrupt his sleeping? If he's not considerate around the house, is he going to be considerate of your son when they share a room?

turtlesoup Mon 30-Jul-07 11:55:15

It is the space thing, but the privacy thing is also very hard Mellin.

We only moved here to country in Feb, big dp had actually seemed set to stay in city but has got a bit too settled for my liking. we always planned this was enough room without big ds.

And you are right caterpiller, we need to be united, but we are not. Cant seem to get the urgency into him. (Likes the rent big ds gives us i dont wonder) Thats how i started to wonder if i wasnt best off out.

As for the other big children.. very much their mother's kids and more likely to enjoy a good goss with dp's ex than help. Both girls aged 34 and 23, both with kids

Dp's ex does not approve of our age gap and likes to drive wedges, esp as we are housing her extranged son.

Good chance of starting family rumpus if i start to look for support. Making dp choose between first lot of kids and second!!

turtlesoup Mon 30-Jul-07 11:58:26

you are right about the sharing too. Not a good solution either.

How to protect my little ds, who really is the most vulnerable is the biggest quandry.

Still minded to pose the threat and see it that galvanises big ds into action.

EscapeFrom Mon 30-Jul-07 11:59:59

No no, I meant it as a threat really, to see if it might jerk him into shape - ie Act like a child, be treated as a child!

Carmenere Mon 30-Jul-07 12:00:27

Hold on, he pays you rent? that makes it a bit different. How much does he pay?

turtlesoup Mon 30-Jul-07 12:13:27

Oh! SWHM now Escapefrom. Was getting exited about a new idea.

Its 300 a month, makes a difference to us, but still way too easy for big dp, i mean removed from reality of own bills etc.

By the way he put us in serious financial hardship when he first moved in, he only started work in Dec)

Carmenere Mon 30-Jul-07 12:17:46

300 a month is not inconsiderable and is most of the way towards renting a room in a house share or equivelant. It also gives him much more of a right to be there than if he wasn't contributing at all. I would just talk to him about starting to think about moving out and where he would like to live, how much it will cost, is there any friends he could share with, do any of his friends need to rent out a room to help with mortgage ect.
Talk to him about it, help him achieve it, but don't issue ultimatums as that is just trying to bully your way through the problem.

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