Too feel a little upset with my sister in law?(186 Posts)
This is really bugging me and I need to know if I was in the wrong here.
Last Monday my 2 DD's were sick just the once.
Nothing else after that and they were perfectly fine.
Friday we travelled to my db and sil to visit them. They have a 5yo and 6 week old twins.
Whilst we were there my dd5 went white as a sheet and said her belly hurt. Took her to the toilet and she had a really runny belly.
After 10 mins she perked up and we left about 30 minutes after.
Later on in the evening dd had a few more diarrhoea episodes and went to bed. But dd2 woke up early hours in the morning and vomited but since then both have been fine.
My mum was on the phone to db this morning and he told her that they had all been sick since our visit. DN5 wouldn't speak to my mum on the phone and kept screaming every time she spoke to him. Sil got on the phone and said that "that little girl had brought the sick bug down to them" meaning my dd.
My mum explained that I wouldn't of taken the kids to see them if they was poorly, and that they'd been sick once 4 days before the visit. My mum was pretty pissed off when she phoned me this morning because it sounded like they'd all been talking (sil parents are staying with them) about my dd.
Was I in the wrong? I feel so bad especially because the have tiny babies. But how was I to know 😔
You were to know because both of your dds had been sick. Did you tell your sil before you visited?
Yes they both knew that the girls had been sick on the Monday. It was on the family WhatsApp group.
Oh dear, what were you thinking? Sorry, you really shouldn’t have gone.
I think if they were ill on Monday and then fine and you didn't travel until friday YNBU.
It sounds like bad luck but you'd have sent them back to school if they were 4 days symptom free.
Shame they are all piling on to have a go on your poor DD. Hope everyone better soon!
I wouldn't have taken my children to see six week old twins if they'd been sick that week. I know the rule is 48 hours usually but these are tiny babies, it's common sense. So sorry I think you're in the wrong.
Saying that, if I knew your children had been sick that week I'd have rescheduled your visit myself and asked you to wait a bit longer before coming.
Oh dear, what were you thinking? Sorry, you really shouldn’t have gone.
What? It was 4 days before. 48 hours is NHS guidance. Daft thing to say.
Tbh I get that sil is pissed off. I would if I had 6 wk old twins and got a vomiting bug. BUT as you said dd were ill on Monday and this was Friday - there was no way you could have known the bug was still lurking about. Just suck it up and forget about it. They are going to be anjoyed that dd passed on a bug but you weren't to know
I don’t know about you being upset with SIL but if someone made my barely 2 month twins sick, and brought the rest of the house down with plague and pestilence I'd be hopping mad. No you weren't to know, no it wasn’t deliberate, but Im guessing as your DD did have second bout of diarrhoea, ultimately you have probably brought the bug into their house. Like you I would have assumed 4 days without incident was enough to say the initial bug had passed.
You knowingly took sick children to see a family with a 6 week old baby. YABU
Ah ok, well I think your sil IBU - although I empathise with her, she had opportunity to re-arrange!
Sorry I didn’t see the 4 days in between bit. Sorry that’s not unreasonable.
Such a daft thing to say that six week twins now have a tummy bug. Clearly extremely silly.
See I would have gone too if they were ok between tuesday - friday. Yanbu
Schools require 48 hrs after the last episode of vomiting before returning. If they’d be ok to go to school they’d be ok to visit your family. Sounds like a clear 4 days?
The second bug is probably unrelated to the first. It’s bad luck, but I can’t understand why PPs are saying it’s your fault 🤷♀️
YABU and I’d have been fuming if I was your SIL
Just to clarify the twins are fine (for now) just db and dn. sil hasn't had anything yet.
4 whole days had passed without illness!!
Are we supposed to isolate ourselves from society for 5+ days after an illness?! No.
The sicknesses were probably unrelated.
How long are you supposed to have kept them away then? If they were sick on Monday way over the 48 hours had passed and their 5 year old will be in constant contact with all sorts of germs from her school mates anyway. Fair enough to miffed but no reason to be vile about it.
My SIL brought round my niece to visit my 8 week old not long back and it wasn’t till she was there did she mention that her daughter had been ill a few days before. It wiped me, my DH and baby out for a good few days, I was fuming.
It was pretty irresponsible to take a potentially sick child to visit such small babies, I know the guidelines but I would be extra careful at their age.
It's just unfortunate, everyone knew your DCs had been sick 4 days before. It's not like you kept it from them. Yes, I'd be annoyed everyone now has a sickness bug but it's no ones 'fault'.
Sounds like one of those things that will be forgotten pretty soon. Your mum would have been better not to mention it to you. If I was your SIL I would probably feel annoyed having to deal with it yet knowing I wasn’t being entirely fair as you hadn’t done it on purpose so I’d whinge a bit to get it out of my system and then get over it! You naturally feel protective of your daughter and that you are being criticised though she probably never meant you to feel this way or even thought it would get back to you!
If it was within 48hrs, unreasonable. It wasn’t. You didn’t do anything wrong.
She has 6 week old twins, has a sickness bug, will be worried about them getting ill and will be having to look after them despite feeling like shit herself.
I think everyone would be a bit annoyed at the source of the bug in that situation really, we've all been a bit unreasonable in the first while after we've had a baby I'm sure.
YANBU. You'd have sent them back to school on weds or Thurs, depending on what time they were sick on Monday, so you would assume that by Friday they would be perfectly fine.
I genuinely thought my girls were fine since there had been no more episodes. I'm not stupid and would no way take sick kids to see newborns. It just so happens that while we were there dd got poorly again and then the other one was sick the next morning. I understand her being pissed I would too but it was the way she spoke about dd (not even using her name) she knew it would get back to me because I speak to my mum every day. My mum was really upset herself because of the way my nephew was with her on the phone. No doubt they've told him that it was our fault why he has been poorly.
This is one of those things people have double standards with. On another occasion when it would be inconvenient to cancel something your SIL would probably make the choice to take a recently sick child on a visit/holiday etc.
On another occasion you might be pissed off if someone did the same, same time gap, and your family got ill.
I think it’s annoying and a but unfair but we’re all unreasonable sometimes!
I don't think you did anything wrong as it was four days since yours had been sick. Anyway kids will catch all sorts, even babies, no one can tell from where they caught the bug. I can't stand people who have inquests on that sort of thing.
Your sister in law shouldn't be talking about you and your kids like that! It's not justified and not kind, it's gossipy.
YANBU especially as your SIL knew that your DDs had been sick.
You and your Mum are being unreasonable. I'd be very pissed off if you gave my family a vomiting bug. Even more so if I had two newborns in the house. I know someone who has form for doing this sort of thing. It pisses everyone off no end.
They were sick ONCE on Monday and had been fine since.
The visit was FRIDAY.
Anyone saying 'you shouldn't have gone' is totally hysterical and I expect a complete hypocrite.
That sounds like roto or noro virus (can never remember which) and the reason it's so bloody contagious is that the vomiting comes first and then stops for up to five days, making you think everything is fine (because of the 48 hour rule) and then the runny tummy starts. And in the meantime, the children are still contagious. It's annoying as hell, but there is no way you could have known.
This happened with us. DS vomited all over a friend, completely unexpectedly. They were going away in a week. But when DS seemed fine two days later, as my friend's baby started the vomitting, we all thought it would be fine because she figured her baby would be fine by the time they left. Then two days later, the runs started and we realised. Sure enough, by the time they were leaving for their holiday, their DS had started with the runs.
YWNBU because there was no way to know. But I don't blame anyone for being upset nonetheless. I still feel guilty about it but my friend doesn't blame me. There was no way to know. And because we had had DS' stools tested and the virus confirmed, her doctor told her it was 99% certain her DS had the same and at least they didn't have to rush him in because he was pretty sick (and young).
Also, assuming I'm right, I'm afraid that their babies are going to get the very runny tummy in a few days too. And as they're so tiny, they'll need to be careful because of the risk of dehydration. Sorry.
I think it was just bad luck, but what your SIL said is true.
I don't think I would have taken my DDs as some bugs take a while to get rid of. But equally your SIL could have put you off.
They were sick ONCE on Monday and had been fine since. The visit was FRIDAY
Exactly. YWNBU OP, but I also don't think your SiL is unreasonable for being panicky and upset about the prospect of illness. She's got 6 week old twins, her stress levels and filters will be firing all over the place.
The only thing YABU about is possibly not seeing it from her POV, I guess.
Over dramatic parents drive me insane, kids get sick we all do it cant be helped. Wait until her son is attending nursery/school and they will be coming home will all kinds of bugs.
I would suggest you have done them a favour as its building up his immune system for when they start school/nursery x
I am a bit over the top when it comes to bugs like this, didn't take my DC to a birthday 3 days after having Noro as I knew there would be babies there and wouldn't risk it. But 4-5 days after last symptom I would have let him go. And in OPs shoes I would have considered visiting with one bout of sickness on a Monday with the visit being on a Friday.
I don't think you were BU actually, it was well over 48 hours and I too would have done the same.
My dad has a sick bug at the moment, god knows where it came from as no one else has been poorly with it.
Sometimes people just get sick and don't necessarily pick it up from anyone. 🤷♀️
OP You weren't unreasonable esp since your SIL didn't say don't bring your DC 4 days after. She's not being unreasonable since her husband and older girl are down with it and she has those tiny twins.. As PP have said, she's undoubtedly already stressed by the feeding, recent birth etc. I'd suggest you phone your SIL or DB if he's better, and just say how sorry you are. Just don't get into an argument and don't apologise unnecessarily. Clearly they knew through the whatsapp group - clearly you followed NHS guidelines -but perhaps just say next time you'll leave it longer.
Maybe OP kids caught the bug from SIL?
I think you are definitely being unreasonable if you’re upset with SIL twins are generally born earlier and smaller than one baby plus it’s incredibly hard looking after one newborn never mind two.
You’re children definitely passed on the norovirus to her family and you should be sympathetic not “upset” with her.
If my DC were sick on Monday I’d keep a close eye on them Monday/Tuesday and if there were no more incidents I’d have forgotten about it by Wednesday afternoon. Kids are occasionally sick for no obvious or infectious reason. By Friday Monday would be a distant memory
@Ghanagirl I'm upset with her thinking I intentionally took sick kids to her home when I didn't. She knew they had it on the Monday but was fine about us coming on the Friday. If she was worried she could of said so but she didn't. I thought mine were over it so didn't think twice about it. The babies are my nephews I wouldn't ever want to see them poorly especially being so young. But I wasn't to know. The babies and herself might not get it. I have 3 teenagers here and myself and dh and we haven't had it.
I'm actually really overly concerned about tummy bugs etc and I think about them all the time and I'd have done the same as you OP. 4 days in between is plenty. Mind I might have also acted like your SIL too to be fair cos I panic when people are sick
Stomach viruses can linger and shed for two weeks after the last incident. You're supposed to avoid very small babies and anyone with a compromised immune system.
I wouldn't have let you come visit us! You should have let them decide.
Well I you follow the488hours rule, the children were way over those 48hours and therefore well.
Yess your dc happened to be ill which you didn’t know as they were ill AFTERWARDS. Complete over reaction from your mum and SIL.
(But thé 5yo very probably did get the bug from your dc. It. Could have been anyone else though)
Over dramatic parents drive me insane
Lovely little pot-meets-kettle moment there
I can understand why you went-I can't understand why you didn't leave as soon as your daughter was ill there.
I’m on the fence. The bug should have passed with that number of days. BUT, once your daughter wasn’t well you should have straight away sent hubby and the girls to sit in the car to wait for you and cleaned the toilet so no one in the house would catch the bug while cleaning up. Why did it take 30mins to leave afterwards? If it was my newborn I’d be livid too
Suggest they were two different bugs. How was anyone to know?
I also think you need to give SIL a pass on being mean about your daughter. I was soooo tired and cranky waking through the night to feed my newborn, can’t imagine how tiring it is with twins, let alone with a stomach bug 😳
You didn’t do anything wrong but I totally get why SIL is pissed off. Having newborn twins is hard work anyway but add in your older kid(s) and partner getting a tummy bug it just adds to it all.
Realistically it is as likely that your DC picked up something from the niece as that she picked it up from them. The second bout of sickness and diarrhoea isn’t necessarily related to the first one at all. Hopefully when your SIL calms down she will realise how irrational she is being.
@diddl @Blondebakingmumma because I was looking after the kids while sil was in the shower and dh and db were on their way back with a takeaway.
NHS guidance is 48 hours and you mentioned the sickness to your SIL. YANBU.
It sounds like the Friday sickness episode has NOTHING to do with the Monday one. The 48 rule is regarding infection from the Monday episode. By Friday your DCs wouldn't have been infectious from the Monday episode. It sounds like they'd been unlucky enough to catch something new of which you were unaware until they were sick again on the Friday. It is unfortunate but one way to explain it would be that this would still have happened even if your DC has not been sick on Monday.
Regarding PPs saying you shouldn't have taken potentially sick DCs to visit, in effect you and everyone else would never visit anyone as every child would be potentially sick in the circumstances you describe. You might need to explain this in simple terms for the hard of thinking.
You might need to tell your DM that you are also pretty pissed off with her attitude so she doesn't end up pandering to your SIL and her parents for something that was not your fault.
did dd eat at your sil before she was sick? ie could it have been something they ate there? or did they eat in service station on route? young children react quicker to food poisoning I imagine than adults do & I would be very surprised if the family caught the bug that quickly from dc if they reacted same day.
YANBU! Putting aside the fact the fact that you’ve followed NHS guidance of 48 hours, you let your DB and SIL know. As far as I’m concerned it’s their responsibility as parents to then decide whether the visit still takes place or not. They obviously made the choice to go ahead with hosting you, so that was their choice. I always let people we are seeing know if my dc have been I’ll recently so if they decide it’s too risky they can opt out. You’ve done nothing wrong please stop beating yourself up.
YANBU. 4 days is long enough, you can never tell where you pick bugs up from anyway much of the time.
It was way over the 48-hour recommended time, and if your SIL actually knew they'd been sick on the Monday from the WhatsApp group - she is definitely BU and YADNBU.
Your SIL doesn't sound very nice to me. If any child gave a bug to mine, I certainly wouldn't be blaming the child like that, nor the parent if they didn't know the child was sick. Just nasty.
Sorry this has happened to you OP, hope your DC are ok now.
6 week old twins are particularly vulnerable- assuming premature etc. I do think your SIL is bu however, imagine how she's trying to cope with 3sick kids . I'd blame you too even if you didn't intentionally make the kids sick.
Lesson to everyone- stay away until at least a week when coming into contact with babies under 3m old
I think you're being a bit mean actually. It wasnt intentional, but she now has a sick child and husband to deal with, along with 6 week old twins. I can't even imagine how tired and stressed she is! Give her a bloody break! I'd be mortified if I were you, and would be apologising profusely and offering whatever help she might need to get through the next couple of days.
I think your mistake here OP was not taking your dcs after 4 days, which I think was a reasonable assumption that they were recovered, but after the diarrhoea episode. I would have put kids immediately in the car and then bleached the loo, the sink, the door handles and exited as quickly and apologetically as possible.
to clarify it's ONE sick kid on the Saturday the child is fine now.
Db got it Saturday night into Sunday afternoon. Sil and babies are fine. It's Tuesday and they are all fine.
@WeShouldBeFriends please read the the thread I explained why we didn't leave immediately.
OP if you were my SIL and my niece had just been ill in my house babies or no babies I would have said don't worry about it these things happen hope my niece feels better soon. And I would have been happy to do the disenfecting whilst you cuddled your child.
I think you should be embarrassed. Your DC got a D&V bug twice in a week - that means their hygiene clearly needs to be focussed on. You should have apologised.
Do people actually think I have profoundly apologised to them? Of course I have!
I'm not some heartless bitch who took her sick kids to their home for them to get I'll too. They both said to me not to worry these things happen. Then she said that this morning to my mum.
And there's nothing wrong with my kids hygiene thanks @Teddybear45
You waited 4 days after the v! So you were not U. Your sil is being very U blaming you. Is there nowhere else her family could have picked up the bug?
Having said that, sounds like your dc caught another bug, hence the runny poos at your SIL's, and you left soon after. Unlucky. But your SIl could have asked you not to come. She is being U.
Hope her wee baies are ok, though.
I'd be furious you visited, with babies that young. Sorry.
You weren’t to know that your DD was still unwell and of course you’d have steered clear if you thought she was!
I have twins and remember my DH’s cousin visiting the week after they came home from their 4 month NICU stay (very prem and underweight) DD was on oxygen following bronchiolitis and a collapsed lung - this cousin decided not to tell us she and her DC had recently had nasty persistent colds. My DD ended up back in hospital. I was (as I’m sure you can imagine) royally pissed off and scared for my DD.
So I will say this for your SIL - newborn twins are probably driving her to the brink of exhaustion, worry and all the other crazy emotions that come with looking after newborn little babies. The hyper awareness that comes with one newborn is stressful enough (as I’m sure you remember), with two it’s like you can’t ever let yourself switch off. So whilst I don’t think you’re being unreasonable (I don’t think her badmouthing your DD is on at all) I can sympathise with her position a bit. I imagine becoming ill on top of all else pushed her over the edge a bit.
I’m hoping her little ones and your DD are well now. I also hope the situation calms itself after a week or two to cool down x
@NaviSprite thank I can imagine it's hard. But in case you haven't read the whole thread. She's not ill and nor are the twins. It was her 5 year old Saturday and my brother sat/sun. Their all fine today. And even had Visitors Sunday and went out for dinner.
If it really was 4 days of them being okay then no, you did nothing wrong and it couldn't be helped. If you had any inkling at all that they were still not 100% then you were completely wrong to bring them to a house with babies that young. It doesn't matter that the twins didn't get sick, looking after twins is hard enough without a sick 5yo on top of it so I see why they are mad. But if you genuinely didn't know then no it's not your fault.
I know 48hrs are the guideline for schools etc, but no way I would have taken my children to visit newborn twins in that situation.
And give your SIL a break, of course she's going to be upset and stressed. It's just one of those things.
I can understand why she is annoyed that they are ill, but it's not right to be so awful about it. If they were fine in the three days in between, it's reasonable to think they were not contagious.
Isn't there a chance your children caught a bug at your SIL's house?
I'm an emetophobe and I don't think your were in the wrong OP, as long as you are being entirely truthful about the children being sick once and otherwise well between the Monday and Friday.
We've had bugs were there have been days between "episodes" but the kids certainly weren't their normal selves so despite them being 48 hours clear, there is no way we'd have visited anyone.
I wouldn’t of taken children who had been ill in the same week to visit newborns.
I’m not surprised she’s mad and if your children became ill again four days laters there is nothing to say the twins are safe yet.
Why are some PPs making out its the OPs fault. All the family (SIL included I presume) knew the DCs had been sick on Monday and no-one said to her they'd rather she postponed the visit.
You didn't do wrong here; referring to your daughter as 'that little girl' says a lot I think about her attitude towards you. She is in for a shock in the future if she thinks she can quarantine her smaller kids against any nasties that her own 5 year old will be rocking home from school with. These things happen, no-one is to blame. As far as you were concerned your children were not sick.
YANBU to visit four days after symptoms ended.
But it's possible she's angry at how you handled it when DD was clearly sick again. Did you keep your DD in one place so she wasn't spreading germs? Did you make everyone wash their hands and face? Were the children sharing toys or food while you waited? did you disinfect the bathroom and anything else your DD might have touched? Once your DD's symptoms were obvious, I'd expect you to keep both your DDS well away from the twins and for you to avoid touching them yourself. Did you knock on the shower door and tell SIL she needed to come out and take over with the kids so you could tend to DD and clean?
Newborn twins (were they full term?) are so vulnerable, if I was your SIL I wouldn't blame you for your daughter having D & V but I would be flipping furious if I didn't see that you'd done everything in your power to prevent the germs spreading once you knew.
I don't think you will get anywhere being mad at SIL. Maybe just try and empathise with the worry you caused her (albeit inadvertently). Multiple pregnancies are high risk, a lot of twins are early, she'd be getting bugger-all sleep... and you (I know, inadvertently) threw a huge problem her way.
She'd have to be a saint not to be at the turn of events.
I'd suggest you turn this round and say you're pretty miffed that your children apparently got food poisoning at their house.
I'd be furious you visited, with babies that young. Sorry.
Why, if you were in the SIL's shoes and knew they had been ill on the Monday but had done nothing to stop them coming?
@Crunchymum they were definitely only sick the once, tbh when they vomited I thought uh oh they've caught a bug. Got bowls,towels and water at the ready but they were just their normal selves playing fighting ect. I thought it couldn't be a bug because usually it's a day of them sleeping/moping/and watching tv. So at that point I assumed it might of just been the heat as it was extremely muggy that day/weekend. I mentioned on WhatsApp that the girls had been sick db and sil wished them a speedy recovery and later that day asked again how they were so I told them it hadn't happened again. Kept them off school/nursery on the Tuesday just to be sure. Wednesday,Thursday and Friday they were absolutely fine, until dd had the runny bum.
You're being very defensive and your DM is being ridiculous (and deliberately inflaming the situation by telling you lots of detail about the conversation).
You didn't deliberately infect them but surely you agree that you did in fact bring a bug into their house?
You are not the injured party here no matter how much your DM seems to be supporting you in thinking you are. Your DSIL has a poorly child and DH, and will be very worried about her twin babies as well as having her workload tripled since her DH can't help her and she now has a sick child to look after too.
I'm trying to think what they ate that day.. 🤔
Breakfast would of been cereal or toast with fruit. We got to there's just after 1:30 sil made them a picnic in the garden because it was so hot and they didn't want to come in. Db and dh got a Chinese at 6pm but dd5 didn't eat it because of her belly. Dd2 had rice, prawn crackers and chow mein. Dd2 woke at 5am and vomited a few times then went back to sleep at 8am and slept until noon and was back to her normal self 🤷🏻♀️
@LillithsFamiliar did. She did have a sick dh and child.
I am one of those people who believes in keeping sick people at home, cold, cough, whatever, they should be at home and even I would have thought that a child who vomited once on Monday would have been fine by the weekend to be out and about.
If my child was sick like that when I was visiting babies I would have packed up and left immediately though.
When my DD was very little, I once visited my mum at her house and some of my sisters turned up too and we had a nice family afternoon, all lovely, lovely. The next day, DD came down with an awful stomach bug, my mum got it too, one of my sisters - over the next few weeks, it went through our entire family, all the various sisters' kids got it, I had several days off work, DP got it on Christmas Eve, we had to cancel big family Christmas at ours that year - total nightmare.
Thing is, when my family talk about this memorable event, they all automatically say: "Oh yeah, Puppy, remember when you came to mum's and gave us all your sickness bug?" And I try to defend myself, saying: "But.. But... How come it's MY sickness bug?" It used to make me really cross as it wasn't my fault, but now I just let it go.
Basically, what I'm saying OP is, your family WILL get over this. You might just have to smile and nod and apologise for the rest of your natural time on earth, regardless of whose fault it was and whether you should have visited that day.
Hope everyone gets better soon.
@StoppinBy I couldn't leave immediately though. I was looking after 5 children. Sil was in the shower and dh and db were in our car at the Chinese. Dd sat on a chair in the garden on her tablet so she wasn't around the babies.
Has it occurred to them maybe their kids made yours ill?
It's unusually for a big to hang about for 4 days so far more likely that their kids were harbouring something.
Anyway, you told them, they didn't ask you not to come. Nobody died, kids get sick, it's no biggie.
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