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...to want to lose my shit at the situation?

(240 Posts)
stilldontgiveaf Tue 16-Jul-19 10:16:45

I'll try and keep this as easy to read as possible to avoid any drip feeding...

18 weeks pregnant. Was seeing a guy for a short time and fell pregnant. He disappeared, tried to ghost me out of the blue before I found out. I tried contacting him to tell him I was pregnant and he was reading my messages but ignored it for a couple of weeks, so I decided to contact his sister. She responded instantly and was nice but also in shock. The baby's dad then called me, acted "shocked" and said he didn't get my messages. That was a lie because he read every single one. The contact stopped again after a few days of him ramming the idea of a termination down my throat. (That was not an option for me. I'd had one before whilst in a DV relationship and there's a lot of history to that)

His sister then said he'd told his family there was no way the baby could be his and his family said they want a DNA test (fine with me...)

He then said there was going to be no test. He said he can't have his family find out the truth, he wasn't ready, his dad would kick the shit out of him, throw him out etc etc. I told him I'd put in a claim for CSA and a DNA will be done that way and the truth will come out. He obviously went mad at this and said I was doing it for his money.

Fast forward a few weeks and he says he wants to be involved but doesn't want his family to know yet and wants it to be in his own time that they find out. I get a text from him one day saying he has to send me a message that his dad has made him do stating I'm not to contact any of them until I can prove they are related. But he wants to remain in some form of contact behind their back. At this point, all I want is for him to see his child and stupidly agree to it.

I meet him in person, we talk things through. His dad calls while I'm with him and he lies about where he is. (He doesn't sound like a very nice man after the way I heard him speak to him), so I agree to keep things secret. He's freaking out about the whole situation and I try and reassure him that things will be ok. He told me a girl had been contacting him for a few weeks but he "wasn't entertaining it".

Fast forward a month to now, and I find out this morning he's now in a relationship. He hasn't told her anything. He's meant to be coming to the scan with me in two weeks and now I've got to breaking point. He said he'd tell her in his own time.

I'm so angry, I know how stupid I've been in believing everything and I don't know what to do about it. He initially tried to lie and say he wasn't in a relationship, then says he hasn't told her anything. I can't cope with this situation anymore. How can he get into a relationship with her under false pretences, not tell her anything and expect to just dump it on her months later when she's fully invested in him?

Am I being unreasonable for wanting to lose my shit? I don't even know what to do anymore. It's like I've come out the fog and seen how manipulative he really is. I'm such a twat.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult Tue 16-Jul-19 10:37:04

Has spun you a line about his family, he's spun his family a line about you.

You have absolutely no idea what the reality is.

Don't feel guilty about them having a right to know, that's on him, not you.

Your baby will have a fantastic mum, nothing to feel sorry for him/her about at all flowers

MyOpinionIsValid Tue 16-Jul-19 10:38:40

I always think dragging others into a situation isnt the way forward.

You and he created the baby, your discussions should solely be with him, not his father, sister, uncle Tom Cobley - and yes, in his own time it is his responsibility to tell his partner about the situation with you. What you want or think about this is actually irrelevant. Everyone has the right to privacy.

He disappeared, tried to ghost me out of the blue before I found out.

TBH he'd already terminated the relationship before you knew you were pregnant. He's made his position clear. all you can do is crack on, as a single parent. Go through the CSA etc, and put him in the box marked 'closed chapter' and stop giving him head space.

RubaiyatOfAnyone Tue 16-Jul-19 10:40:03

Just to reiterate, whatever else you do give the baby YOUR surname on the birth certificate.
He sounds like his entire life is a drama, you don't. Don't get caught up in his dramatics.
Just step back, put he CMS/DNA claim after your baby is born, and don't expect anything from him as a father except a pittance each month. If he can't even grow up enough to have adult discussions about a future baby, he's a long way from actually being able to step up and be a father properly, so it's not worth hanging on constantly hoping that he will.

stilldontgiveaf Tue 16-Jul-19 10:40:05

@Tolleshunt * I would be very worried about my child going for unsupervised contact with him if his family are that unpleasant*

Don't worry, I wouldn't dream of it.

HeadintheiClouds Tue 16-Jul-19 10:40:55

Why do you need this person in your life? He doesn’t want you, and you can’t force him. It really is that simple.

Tolleshunt Tue 16-Jul-19 10:41:17

The problem is, if he gets access you won’t be able to stop it.

stilldontgiveaf Tue 16-Jul-19 10:41:21

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy * Do you have to name him on the birth certificate if you are going for CMS? Might be easier just to not to, and fend for yourself*

No, I did some research on this. I can put a claim in regardless. If he wants to contest or he has to supply his DNA to prove he isn't the father.

Geminijes Tue 16-Jul-19 10:41:49

I think you were wrong to involve his sister by telling her you were pregnant.

His relationship with his girlfriend is irrelevant. What he decides to tell her or not tell her has nothing to do with you...that's between him and her.

I think you need to make the decisions that are best for you and your child, he's too unreliable to depend on. He sounds immature and tied to his Dad's apron strings. Not the best 'Daddy' material.

Tolleshunt Tue 16-Jul-19 10:42:07

Sorry, pressed post too soon.

So what I would do is back off right now, and hope he doesn’t want access once the baby is here.

Pinktinker Tue 16-Jul-19 10:43:00

whatever else you do give the baby YOUR surname on the birth certificate.

Fantastic advice, please do this. I gave my DC my surname despite being married (kept my maiden name) and it was the best thing I did.

Jellybeansincognito Tue 16-Jul-19 10:43:16

You’re about to bring a child into a family where the dad doesn’t care and his dad will beat the shit out of him and all you’re concerned about is your ex being in a relationship and now ignoring you?

your priorities are all wrong I’m afraid, of course yabu to lose your shit. Wtf are you doing?

MyOpinionIsValid Tue 16-Jul-19 10:44:08

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Do you have to name him on the birth certificate if you are going for CMS? Might be easier just to not to, and fend for yourself

No the father does not have to be named, and to name him he would have to agree to attend the registrars with the mother. To put him on the BC would give him PR, and given the level of duplicity, the OP needs to avoid that (and I usually never say this)

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Tue 16-Jul-19 10:44:15

@stilldontgiveaf Well that's good news. Yep, just cut him off. Hope all goes well for you and baby.

Jellybeansincognito Tue 16-Jul-19 10:44:43

‘Don't worry, I wouldn't dream of it’ - your ex hasn’t done anything to not warrant 1-1 contact and when that happens you cannot control what happens to that child or who your ex leaves them with.

This can’t be for real surely?

stilldontgiveaf Tue 16-Jul-19 10:44:47

@HeadintheiClouds * Why do you need this person in your life? He doesn’t want you, and you can’t force him. It really is that simple.*

It wasn't about him being in my life. It was about me trying to do the right thing for the baby and knowing who his father/family are.

I grew up without a father and his side of the family. Met him when I was 16 and it got messy. Reconnected years later and he died two weeks after I saw him again for the first time to sort thing. First time I met his family was the day I viewed his body the day before his funeral.

I guess that will stay with me forever and I was desperate to try and do the right thing for my child.

stilldontgiveaf Tue 16-Jul-19 10:47:03

@Jellybeansincognito

The relationship thing was the end of it for me and breaking point on the lies.

I don't care he has a girlfriend. I care that he's lying. Again. To her.

Tolleshunt Tue 16-Jul-19 10:47:50

I totally understand why you would want the father in your baby’s life, still, and your own history must make this a very strong urge flowers

However, this manchild and his awful family will not make for a healthy, functional father or loving grandparents. Better for your child to stay away from them than be damaged by them. You sounds like you will be a lovely, sensitive mum who is mindful of your child’s emotional needs. That will be enough.

MissB83 Tue 16-Jul-19 10:48:31

It's a shame that you grew up without your father too but really it's not your responsibility if your baby's father isn't interested? All you can do is be the best mum possible and when you're a single parent that does mean conserving your energy and looking out for your mental well being/avoiding stressors because you have to save your energy for your child. You have to find a way to not let your ex get to you.

Jellybeansincognito Tue 16-Jul-19 10:49:42

But that’s none of your business? Your concern should be that you’re bringing an innocent child into this mess, and how you can solve that. Not worrying about things you can’t control.

You’re saying you want him to have a paternity test and pay you maintenance but say you won’t allow unsupervised contact? You can’t have both. He could push for contact and then will be involved with that awful sounding family and you’ll have no control over that at all.

stilldontgiveaf Tue 16-Jul-19 10:49:56

*‘Don't worry, I wouldn't dream of it’ - your ex hasn’t done anything to not warrant 1-1 contact and when that happens you cannot control what happens to that child or who your ex leaves them with.

This can’t be for real surely?*

@Jellybeansincognito

This comment was in relation to his dad and behaviours...

CatG85 Tue 16-Jul-19 10:50:47

You just need to think about you and the baby now. Be upfront with everyone, get the DNA test done and get the CSA you and baby will need and deserve. He hasn't been honest with you and you're clearly not his priority so don't make him on of yours. Do what you have to do.

stilldontgiveaf Tue 16-Jul-19 10:51:38

Your concern should be that you’re bringing an innocent child into this mess, and how you can solve that.

Please tell me how I can solve it.

lilmishap Tue 16-Jul-19 10:52:06

You’re saying you want him to have a paternity test and pay you maintenance but say you won’t allow unsupervised contact? You can’t have both

She absolutely can. Granddad is violent and he lives with him

Jellybeansincognito Tue 16-Jul-19 10:52:10

You can’t control his dads behaviours.

Are you honestly happy that you’re growing a child that will one day be left in the care of these morons, because you won’t be able to stop that?

Amibeingdaft81 Tue 16-Jul-19 10:52:15

You’re 18 weeks

All this drama already. “Fast forward a month”, “weeks passed”

Op you want him “to see his kid”

Firstly. There is no kid. There is a pregnancy.
Secondly. This man sounds awful. Not someone you should be actively pursuing involvement

What you DO need from him is financial support.

Focus on yourself, your pregnancy and your future.

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