Talk

Advanced search

...to want to lose my shit at the situation?

(240 Posts)
stilldontgiveaf Tue 16-Jul-19 10:16:45

I'll try and keep this as easy to read as possible to avoid any drip feeding...

18 weeks pregnant. Was seeing a guy for a short time and fell pregnant. He disappeared, tried to ghost me out of the blue before I found out. I tried contacting him to tell him I was pregnant and he was reading my messages but ignored it for a couple of weeks, so I decided to contact his sister. She responded instantly and was nice but also in shock. The baby's dad then called me, acted "shocked" and said he didn't get my messages. That was a lie because he read every single one. The contact stopped again after a few days of him ramming the idea of a termination down my throat. (That was not an option for me. I'd had one before whilst in a DV relationship and there's a lot of history to that)

His sister then said he'd told his family there was no way the baby could be his and his family said they want a DNA test (fine with me...)

He then said there was going to be no test. He said he can't have his family find out the truth, he wasn't ready, his dad would kick the shit out of him, throw him out etc etc. I told him I'd put in a claim for CSA and a DNA will be done that way and the truth will come out. He obviously went mad at this and said I was doing it for his money.

Fast forward a few weeks and he says he wants to be involved but doesn't want his family to know yet and wants it to be in his own time that they find out. I get a text from him one day saying he has to send me a message that his dad has made him do stating I'm not to contact any of them until I can prove they are related. But he wants to remain in some form of contact behind their back. At this point, all I want is for him to see his child and stupidly agree to it.

I meet him in person, we talk things through. His dad calls while I'm with him and he lies about where he is. (He doesn't sound like a very nice man after the way I heard him speak to him), so I agree to keep things secret. He's freaking out about the whole situation and I try and reassure him that things will be ok. He told me a girl had been contacting him for a few weeks but he "wasn't entertaining it".

Fast forward a month to now, and I find out this morning he's now in a relationship. He hasn't told her anything. He's meant to be coming to the scan with me in two weeks and now I've got to breaking point. He said he'd tell her in his own time.

I'm so angry, I know how stupid I've been in believing everything and I don't know what to do about it. He initially tried to lie and say he wasn't in a relationship, then says he hasn't told her anything. I can't cope with this situation anymore. How can he get into a relationship with her under false pretences, not tell her anything and expect to just dump it on her months later when she's fully invested in him?

Am I being unreasonable for wanting to lose my shit? I don't even know what to do anymore. It's like I've come out the fog and seen how manipulative he really is. I'm such a twat.

lilmishap Tue 16-Jul-19 22:30:34

Have you got other kids?

You seem very switched on and I think you'll rock this whatever route you choose. You've been in a refuge so you know what you will or will not tolerate. Refuges are hard
Trust me he will be a memory in a few months, it is so normal to feel like a twat when you see you've been led up a garden path to a bullshit cesspit.The rage followed by the inconsolable 'god what will I do' is just a moment.
This situation is not your life it's just some dickhead who slipped under the radar and momentarily made himself a big deal, he is just a blip in your life, he is not the pregnancy just some bloke, but forgive yourself anyway and although it will be hard if you decide to go ahead with this you will be so proud and if you decide not to it's the same.

You got this

stilldontgiveaf Tue 16-Jul-19 22:43:27

@lilmishap I do actually have children, yeah. Didn't post it originally as I didn't feel it was relevant to the issue I had. (I say past tense as I will no longer allow it to become an issue).

I have two boys and they regularly see their father.

This is the first time I'll be alone in a parenting situation. So I think for me, trying to include this baby's father was important like it is with my other two. However, it seems to not be working out that way which is a shame but it is what it is.

I know I'm capable of doing it alone. It's just letting go of my idea of what it "could have been" so to speak.

I've been through enough in my time. This man certainly isn't worthy and I can see that now.

contrary13 Wed 17-Jul-19 08:05:28

It won't be just his family potentially being lied to by him... it'll be the new girlfriend, too. If he's anything like my daughter's father, and actually, my daughter's new boyfriend, you'll be "crazy" and/or "mental" and will only have got pregnant "to trap" him and/or "for [his] money". Men like this are all the same, I'm afraid.

My daughter is 23. She hasn't seen her biological father - as far as I know - since she was 3 weeks old. He was abusive, I was using contraception, yet got pregnant anyway. Even though I had left him before I even knew I was pregnant (my parents went against my wishes, and told his parents - we were 19 at the time), he and his family did their utmost to harrass me "into telling the truth" (ie, that my daughter wasn't, isn't, his). Except I was telling the truth. He refused to do a paternity test and I didn't persue maintenance. He's not paid a single penny towards my daughter at all.

You need to be aware of what telling his parents might unleash into your lives, though. My daughter's biological paternal grandparents, saw her every week until she was 7 - and she refused to have contact with them anymore. They then stalked her through senior school and college, getting their friends children or grandchildren to feed them information. My daughter ended up issuing them with a "cease and desist" letter when she was 19. His sister then began to harrass me over social media. There was emotional manipulation, offers of leaving her money in their wills, blah, blah, blah... my daughter still refuses to have contact with them. There is a possibility that she was sexually abused by her biological father's abusive father, and a certainty that they deliberately fed her foods which she is allergic to. They made my pregnancy, my early years as a mother, my daughter's teen years absolutely miserable. Just because I stood my ground and defended my child's right to choose. As a mother, you have to be prepared to have very broad shoulders in situations such as this, I'm afraid, OP.

And now... my daughter's 23. In the last month or so, she's started seeing a bloke whose ex-girlfriend had his baby. And she's "crazy", and "mental", and got pregnant deliberately, apparently, just to trap him and/or take his money... hmm He refuses to see his 8 month old daughter, because - and I quote my own daughter here - "he didn't want her, so why the fuck should he want to see her?!" sad His parents pushed for the paternity test which proved the baby is his... and he fiddles his earnings to pay the least amount of maintenance he can. My daughter freely admits this.

She can't understand why I'm actually angry with her about her perpetuating the same abuse that she suffered, onto an innocent child. She was that baby once upon a not-so-distant time, and I know, from experience, how difficult/lonely/hard it actually is to be in the shoes of her new bloke's ex-girlfriend (they'd been together since school, too - and my daughter knows the ex-girlfriend as they all went to senior school together!). Whilst I do know that the ex-girlfriend and her daughter are undoubtedly better off without my daughter's new bloke in their lives... I'm incredibly worried about him doing the same to my daughter.

I know you can be the best of both worlds (ie, Mum and Dad) to your son, OP... but you need to be aware of the pitfalls. There will be hostilities flying around, rumours circulating about your motives and questioning your promiscuity. Your baby - who yes; is completely innocent in all of this - may also face similar as he grows up. He may not have a biological father in his life. He might, like my daughter, have a stepfather, who essentially becomes a Dad. I hope that he does. And unfortunately, he might grow up to become everything that you're trying to protect him. You do need to be aware of every angle, every possibility, and know that if your ex can cheapen your reputation... he'll undoubtedly do his best to do so. Good luck, OP.

I think you're going to need it.

flowers

MissB83 Wed 17-Jul-19 09:43:19

* It won't be just his family potentially being lied to by him... it'll be the new girlfriend, too. If he's anything like my daughter's father, and actually, my daughter's new boyfriend, you'll be "crazy" and/or "mental" and will only have got pregnant "to trap" him and/or "for [his] money". Men like this are all the same, I'm afraid.*

That old chestnut! I told my son's father that I would have picked someone with some earning potential more than mine if that were the case hmm

stilldontgiveaf Wed 17-Jul-19 10:30:40

Yep my baby's dad said the same thing and I laughed really loud without thinking 😂it just came out! Oops.

MissB83 Wed 17-Jul-19 10:55:12

stilldontgiveaf my son's father said that he had chosen me to have his child over all the other women in his life because I was his chosen one. I said no mate you just didn't pull out in time. He's batshit.

stilldontgiveaf Wed 17-Jul-19 11:00:30

@contrary13 thanks for your post. What an awful situation for you and your daughter to have been in. I'm sorry you had to go through that. Those sorts of scenarios cross my mind a lot. I know full well if he was to ever tell his girlfriend he has a son, I will be blamed. The hardest bit at the moment is not actually being able to defend myself. I've always been one to stand up for myself but this scenario doesn't allow me to do that. I'm sure his girlfriend will buy into his lies, but that's her problem. I've come to realise I can't control what people think of me. I do have anxieties about what will happen when they baby is born. Not knowing if anyone will try and make contact. My initial thought was to approach his family when he's born in the hope all his lies would unravel but as time goes on I think that would be a terrible idea. I have no idea what his family are like so I think now it's best I stay well out of it. They all sound like drama and I don't want to be a part of that and more importantly I don't want my son to be a part of it. He will have a stable life at home with me.

stilldontgiveaf Wed 17-Jul-19 11:03:42

@MissB83 you were his chosen one? 😂 he sounds mental!!!!

Trickyteens Wed 17-Jul-19 11:04:11

Try to look further down the road, at later years. Even 2 years. I wouldn't have anything further to do with him. He may be one of those men who, once they pay maintenance, demand access to the baby, and then take them to their houses. His family is a mess-do you want that for your child?

Keep him off the birth certificate and pretend unofficially that you don't know the father, if you can . That's what he wants, anyway. You can tell your child the truth when she's much older.

Whosorrynow Wed 17-Jul-19 11:07:54

@contrary13 your situation sounds very difficult and distressing I'm so sorry, have you thought of starting a thread on here for some support and suggestions as to the best way forward?
Would your daughter do the freedom programme?

Whosorrynow Wed 17-Jul-19 11:10:25

And yeah as for all this 'you got pregnant just to trap me'
'Don't flatter yourself mate you're hardly a good catch' 🙄

Smotheroffive Wed 17-Jul-19 11:30:24

What an experience youve had Contrary.

You sound incredibly switched on and strong!

I am so sorry to hear your dd is now in this exact same situation, i hope for her sake she is aware of how important it is to double up on contraception.

Especially as her new bf has form for this, whilst she also has first hand experience of having been conceived whilst contraception was used!

Babies used to trap women, women who are then gaslit that they are trapping the man (i used that word in its loosest sense, of only being of the male species).

Just horrendous that her gf possibly got his filthy hands on her . I do hope not.

OP you have managed to swerve a close call here!

Hope kicking baby allowed you some sleep last night! 👣

lilmishap Thu 18-Jul-19 18:20:33

TBH CSA would likely be a waste of time, if he has bailiffs DESPITE living at his parents and zero sense of responsibility then they are pretty crap at getting money out of men who don't want to pay.

Although if they are making 'prove it' noises then applying for CMS gives him the option of denying paternity at which point they offer him the DNA test(he pays if it proves he is dad but its slightly reduced cost) or he pays up.....Or not

I haven't dealt with them in a decade so it may have changed but that is how it went. I spent 13/14 years getting regular letters from CSA as to why they hadn't got any money from him(he was on benefits apart from the constant stream of cash in hand jobs he kept quiet). Then they wrote off what he owed.

You've got little to lose by applying and it shouldn't 'force' him into any parental knee jerk because it's so flipping easy for men to just lie and pay naff all

stilldontgiveaf Thu 18-Jul-19 18:58:38

@lilmishap In all honesty, I dont think I'd get a penny. He's been weirdly open about his financial status. He asked me to help him sort his bailiff letter as he'd never had debt before and wasn't sure what to do. (He didn't ask me to help financially btw, just advice). I knew he was self employed because of his job so he worked cash in hand like I do. He told me he earned approx £450 a week, but his boss he,ps him with his self assessments because he doesn't understand it. Which means, his boss will make sure he doesn't pay any tax. Wages don't go into his bank account unless he needs to pay his bills. I know that these days CSA can make an order that states any money that enters his bank can be removed so payments would never be regular.

CSA were good with my youngest. They contacted my ex and found him instantly on records. They even called him when he underpaid and rang me back within five minutes and said that he'd agreed to pay the full amount monthly. So my experience so far has been good.

lilmishap Thu 18-Jul-19 19:43:23

I never had any problem with them either, they were regular in contact but he was never going to pay up. He did once give me £50 out the blue. That was nice!

In your shoes I think I would apply. If you get any it will help and if not you haven't been left destitute you're just in the same situation you are now.

It doesn't leave you obligated to have contact with him but you never know he might grow up in the future and if not you haven't lost anything useful!

Join the discussion

Registering is free, quick, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Get started »