Advanced search want to lose my shit at the situation?

(240 Posts)
stilldontgiveaf Tue 16-Jul-19 10:16:45

I'll try and keep this as easy to read as possible to avoid any drip feeding...

18 weeks pregnant. Was seeing a guy for a short time and fell pregnant. He disappeared, tried to ghost me out of the blue before I found out. I tried contacting him to tell him I was pregnant and he was reading my messages but ignored it for a couple of weeks, so I decided to contact his sister. She responded instantly and was nice but also in shock. The baby's dad then called me, acted "shocked" and said he didn't get my messages. That was a lie because he read every single one. The contact stopped again after a few days of him ramming the idea of a termination down my throat. (That was not an option for me. I'd had one before whilst in a DV relationship and there's a lot of history to that)

His sister then said he'd told his family there was no way the baby could be his and his family said they want a DNA test (fine with me...)

He then said there was going to be no test. He said he can't have his family find out the truth, he wasn't ready, his dad would kick the shit out of him, throw him out etc etc. I told him I'd put in a claim for CSA and a DNA will be done that way and the truth will come out. He obviously went mad at this and said I was doing it for his money.

Fast forward a few weeks and he says he wants to be involved but doesn't want his family to know yet and wants it to be in his own time that they find out. I get a text from him one day saying he has to send me a message that his dad has made him do stating I'm not to contact any of them until I can prove they are related. But he wants to remain in some form of contact behind their back. At this point, all I want is for him to see his child and stupidly agree to it.

I meet him in person, we talk things through. His dad calls while I'm with him and he lies about where he is. (He doesn't sound like a very nice man after the way I heard him speak to him), so I agree to keep things secret. He's freaking out about the whole situation and I try and reassure him that things will be ok. He told me a girl had been contacting him for a few weeks but he "wasn't entertaining it".

Fast forward a month to now, and I find out this morning he's now in a relationship. He hasn't told her anything. He's meant to be coming to the scan with me in two weeks and now I've got to breaking point. He said he'd tell her in his own time.

I'm so angry, I know how stupid I've been in believing everything and I don't know what to do about it. He initially tried to lie and say he wasn't in a relationship, then says he hasn't told her anything. I can't cope with this situation anymore. How can he get into a relationship with her under false pretences, not tell her anything and expect to just dump it on her months later when she's fully invested in him?

Am I being unreasonable for wanting to lose my shit? I don't even know what to do anymore. It's like I've come out the fog and seen how manipulative he really is. I'm such a twat.

Butchyrestingface Tue 16-Jul-19 10:19:35

his dad would kick the shit out of him, throw him out etc etc

How old is he - a teenager?

If so, this may be relevant.

PhannyPharts Tue 16-Jul-19 10:20:57

Not unreasonable for wanting to. He sounds spineless and manipulative. But don't waste any more energy on this man by losing your shit with him. He simply isn't worth it. Use that fire to get things ready for becoming a mum.

Do you have any support from your family?

Pinktinker Tue 16-Jul-19 10:23:10

Why is he so concerned with his family’s opinion and fearing they will ‘kick him out’? Are you teenagers? That’s the only logical explanation. If older than 18, he needs to gain a spine and stand on his own two feet anyway.

I would stop contacting him all together tbh. You’re right to invite him to the scans but if he decides not to go then don’t push it. You need to be quite cold from here on out with contact, just send a quick text or email even with a scan date or anything extremely important he’d need to know. Otherwise no contact.

stilldontgiveaf Tue 16-Jul-19 10:23:26

@Butchyrestingface he's 26 and I'm 28. At first when he said it I was like, you need to grow up and sort things out.

But then I heard the way his dad spoke to him on the phone in person and he does not sound like a nice/reasonable man, which led to me going along with what the baby's dad wanted. I became torn.

Pinktinker Tue 16-Jul-19 10:24:09

Oh Jesus, 26... This reads as though he’s a 16 year old. He seriously needs to grow up.

stilldontgiveaf Tue 16-Jul-19 10:24:48

@PhannyPharts I'm starting to see it's all about him and nothing else.

Minimal support from family. Had a big falling out with everyone last year and I had to walk away from my immediate family. That being said, I have been in contact with my mum very recently and it's looking positive as to sorting things out over time.

Nesssie Tue 16-Jul-19 10:26:17

He wasn't worried about this family finding out, he was worried about his girlfriend finding out.

Stop playing his games.
Invite him to the scans but don't push it. Keep any contact to information about the pregnancy. Give the baby your surname.
Claim CSA and get a proper contact routine sorted out.

stilldontgiveaf Tue 16-Jul-19 10:26:39

@Pinktinker You're right about the contact. I had been starting to step away after our meeting in person and only had contact about the baby. It's just I've since found out he's managed to find time to be in a relationship with someone amongst this mess. His priorities are all in the wrong place.

MissB83 Tue 16-Jul-19 10:27:55

This man is pathetic. I've been there with my son's father. You're doing the right thing to tell him and try to involve him but to be honest in my experience these type of "fathers" don't step up, so you need to prepare for the reality of being a single mother. You can do it. Iwould extend the offer once for each scan or appointment etc but don't go out of your way, he knows where you are if he wants to engage. Save your energy for you and your growing child. Good luck with everything thanks

stilldontgiveaf Tue 16-Jul-19 10:28:27

@Nesssie After my realisation this morning, I'll definitely be putting a claim in for CSA. That'll be a joy when his dad/girlfriend sees that. Apparently his dad opens his post... only know this because he was freaking out about a bailiff warrant and shitting himself that his dad would get to his post first..,

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult Tue 16-Jul-19 10:29:15

Cut contact, wait until the baby is born then put in a CSA claim.

This man is a liar, he's lying to everyone around him and getting you (and goodness knows who else) to be complicit in his lies.

Look after yourself and your baby, he is not your responsibility.

You will never make him into the father you want him to be, nothing you do or don't do will make him be more interested, plan your life around who hes showing himself to be now, not who you hope he will be if you do everything he asks.

stilldontgiveaf Tue 16-Jul-19 10:30:06

@MissB83 Thank you. I know I should just tell him to fuck off outright and get on with my life. I'm annoyed at myself for not being strong enough to do it.

TowelNumber42 Tue 16-Jul-19 10:30:33

Expect nothing except CMS. He doesn't want to be a father. He doesn't want to be with you. His family are vile.

Personally I'd be inclined to cut all contact and not name him on the birth certificate. This level of drama for the next 25years isn't a pleasant thought.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross Tue 16-Jul-19 10:31:03

You are eighteen weeks pregnant and look at all the drama this man is already creating, and how much everything is on his terms. Where's your voice in all of this?

And you face another eighteen years of this? Fuck that for a game of soldiers. Cut contact with him, pass his details to the CMS, and get on with your life, you and the baby. Whatever vision you have of the role he's going to play in his child's life, you know in your heart that there is no way he is going to step up and be the father you want him to be to your child. His actions are showing you very clearly who he is regardless of the narrative he's spinning so take heed of that.

stilldontgiveaf Tue 16-Jul-19 10:32:47

Do you know what makes it so much worse, now I'm thinking about it. He told me that his mum would be heartbroken as this is their first grandchild and she's want to be heavily involved and he doesn't want that.

All I kept thinking was his family has a right to know and I'd bet his mum would be an amazing grandma 😭 it just doesn't fit in with him wanting his single man life.

My poor baby sad

PooWillyBumBum Tue 16-Jul-19 10:33:19

@stilldontgiveaf you need to focus on you and the baby. Put in the CSA claim and move on mentally. Let him know scan dates, send a text when you’re in labour. If he is a decent human being he will turn up at the right times and speak to you like an adult.

And next time you meet a 26 year old still living with his parents and so blatantly terrible at managing money (bailiffs!?) run a mile!

Pinktinker Tue 16-Jul-19 10:33:39

I feel sorry for his new GF having absolutely no idea how much of a child she’s actually dating... Still, I’m sure she’ll find out soon enough.

Zaphodsotherhead Tue 16-Jul-19 10:33:51

He's 26 and he still allows his father to open his post?

He's a child, OP. Cut all contact, leave it to CMS to deal with, don't involve yourself any further with this car crash of a family.

PooWillyBumBum Tue 16-Jul-19 10:34:28

And in answer to your question YABU to want to lose your shit. Don’t get pulled into his family drama. You’re not his girlfriend, and sounds like you never will be, you don’t need to.

Tolleshunt Tue 16-Jul-19 10:35:01

I would step away, and drop the idea he is going to play the father role. I would be very worried about my child going for unsupervised contact with him if his family are that unpleasant. You will be better off going it alone. He’s mentally still in child mode by the sound of it, and will be fuck all use anyway.

stilldontgiveaf Tue 16-Jul-19 10:35:39

@TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross * Where's your voice in all of this?*

I'm feeling this big time right now. I've not even been able to defend myself. Been seen to be a liar, sucked into all this shit.

I'm so embarrassed that this post comes across as us being teenagers when I'm 28 years old. But after the history I've had, I really just wanted to try and do right in this situation and I've failed miserably.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Tue 16-Jul-19 10:36:34

He sounds like a pain in the arse and really immature.

He's in debt, worried about bailiffs and still living with his Dad at 26? Who opens his post? confused

I think you need to assume he will not be a constructive figure in your child's life, and you need to do this on your own. He's already in another relationship and has shown himself to be totally flakey.

Cut contact with him put plans in place for being a single mother. It's tough but millions of women do and have done it. He'll just drag you down and be another manchild to look after if you try and keep him involved.

Do you have to name him on the birth certificate if you are going for CMS? Might be easier just to not to, and fend for yourself.

MissB83 Tue 16-Jul-19 10:36:46

stilldontgiveaf I thought the same. It used to make me much more stressed whilst I was still pregnant. Once baby is here you won't have the time to worry about his shit! He cannot offer you or your child anything at the moment.

stilldontgiveaf Tue 16-Jul-19 10:36:50

@Pinktinker * I feel sorry for his new GF having absolutely no idea how much of a child she’s actually dating... Still, I’m sure she’ll find out soon enough.*

This was the first thing I thought when I found out he was in a relationship. That poor fucking girl.

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