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...to want to lose my shit at the situation?

(240 Posts)
stilldontgiveaf Tue 16-Jul-19 10:16:45

I'll try and keep this as easy to read as possible to avoid any drip feeding...

18 weeks pregnant. Was seeing a guy for a short time and fell pregnant. He disappeared, tried to ghost me out of the blue before I found out. I tried contacting him to tell him I was pregnant and he was reading my messages but ignored it for a couple of weeks, so I decided to contact his sister. She responded instantly and was nice but also in shock. The baby's dad then called me, acted "shocked" and said he didn't get my messages. That was a lie because he read every single one. The contact stopped again after a few days of him ramming the idea of a termination down my throat. (That was not an option for me. I'd had one before whilst in a DV relationship and there's a lot of history to that)

His sister then said he'd told his family there was no way the baby could be his and his family said they want a DNA test (fine with me...)

He then said there was going to be no test. He said he can't have his family find out the truth, he wasn't ready, his dad would kick the shit out of him, throw him out etc etc. I told him I'd put in a claim for CSA and a DNA will be done that way and the truth will come out. He obviously went mad at this and said I was doing it for his money.

Fast forward a few weeks and he says he wants to be involved but doesn't want his family to know yet and wants it to be in his own time that they find out. I get a text from him one day saying he has to send me a message that his dad has made him do stating I'm not to contact any of them until I can prove they are related. But he wants to remain in some form of contact behind their back. At this point, all I want is for him to see his child and stupidly agree to it.

I meet him in person, we talk things through. His dad calls while I'm with him and he lies about where he is. (He doesn't sound like a very nice man after the way I heard him speak to him), so I agree to keep things secret. He's freaking out about the whole situation and I try and reassure him that things will be ok. He told me a girl had been contacting him for a few weeks but he "wasn't entertaining it".

Fast forward a month to now, and I find out this morning he's now in a relationship. He hasn't told her anything. He's meant to be coming to the scan with me in two weeks and now I've got to breaking point. He said he'd tell her in his own time.

I'm so angry, I know how stupid I've been in believing everything and I don't know what to do about it. He initially tried to lie and say he wasn't in a relationship, then says he hasn't told her anything. I can't cope with this situation anymore. How can he get into a relationship with her under false pretences, not tell her anything and expect to just dump it on her months later when she's fully invested in him?

Am I being unreasonable for wanting to lose my shit? I don't even know what to do anymore. It's like I've come out the fog and seen how manipulative he really is. I'm such a twat.

Butchyrestingface Tue 16-Jul-19 10:19:35

his dad would kick the shit out of him, throw him out etc etc

How old is he - a teenager?

If so, this may be relevant.

PhannyPharts Tue 16-Jul-19 10:20:57

Not unreasonable for wanting to. He sounds spineless and manipulative. But don't waste any more energy on this man by losing your shit with him. He simply isn't worth it. Use that fire to get things ready for becoming a mum.

Do you have any support from your family?

Pinktinker Tue 16-Jul-19 10:23:10

Why is he so concerned with his family’s opinion and fearing they will ‘kick him out’? Are you teenagers? That’s the only logical explanation. If older than 18, he needs to gain a spine and stand on his own two feet anyway.

I would stop contacting him all together tbh. You’re right to invite him to the scans but if he decides not to go then don’t push it. You need to be quite cold from here on out with contact, just send a quick text or email even with a scan date or anything extremely important he’d need to know. Otherwise no contact.

stilldontgiveaf Tue 16-Jul-19 10:23:26

@Butchyrestingface he's 26 and I'm 28. At first when he said it I was like, you need to grow up and sort things out.

But then I heard the way his dad spoke to him on the phone in person and he does not sound like a nice/reasonable man, which led to me going along with what the baby's dad wanted. I became torn.

Pinktinker Tue 16-Jul-19 10:24:09

Oh Jesus, 26... This reads as though he’s a 16 year old. He seriously needs to grow up.

stilldontgiveaf Tue 16-Jul-19 10:24:48

@PhannyPharts I'm starting to see it's all about him and nothing else.

Minimal support from family. Had a big falling out with everyone last year and I had to walk away from my immediate family. That being said, I have been in contact with my mum very recently and it's looking positive as to sorting things out over time.

Nesssie Tue 16-Jul-19 10:26:17

He wasn't worried about this family finding out, he was worried about his girlfriend finding out.

Stop playing his games.
Invite him to the scans but don't push it. Keep any contact to information about the pregnancy. Give the baby your surname.
Claim CSA and get a proper contact routine sorted out.

stilldontgiveaf Tue 16-Jul-19 10:26:39

@Pinktinker You're right about the contact. I had been starting to step away after our meeting in person and only had contact about the baby. It's just I've since found out he's managed to find time to be in a relationship with someone amongst this mess. His priorities are all in the wrong place.

MissB83 Tue 16-Jul-19 10:27:55

This man is pathetic. I've been there with my son's father. You're doing the right thing to tell him and try to involve him but to be honest in my experience these type of "fathers" don't step up, so you need to prepare for the reality of being a single mother. You can do it. Iwould extend the offer once for each scan or appointment etc but don't go out of your way, he knows where you are if he wants to engage. Save your energy for you and your growing child. Good luck with everything thanks

stilldontgiveaf Tue 16-Jul-19 10:28:27

@Nesssie After my realisation this morning, I'll definitely be putting a claim in for CSA. That'll be a joy when his dad/girlfriend sees that. Apparently his dad opens his post... only know this because he was freaking out about a bailiff warrant and shitting himself that his dad would get to his post first..,

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult Tue 16-Jul-19 10:29:15

Cut contact, wait until the baby is born then put in a CSA claim.

This man is a liar, he's lying to everyone around him and getting you (and goodness knows who else) to be complicit in his lies.

Look after yourself and your baby, he is not your responsibility.

You will never make him into the father you want him to be, nothing you do or don't do will make him be more interested, plan your life around who hes showing himself to be now, not who you hope he will be if you do everything he asks.

stilldontgiveaf Tue 16-Jul-19 10:30:06

@MissB83 Thank you. I know I should just tell him to fuck off outright and get on with my life. I'm annoyed at myself for not being strong enough to do it.

TowelNumber42 Tue 16-Jul-19 10:30:33

Expect nothing except CMS. He doesn't want to be a father. He doesn't want to be with you. His family are vile.

Personally I'd be inclined to cut all contact and not name him on the birth certificate. This level of drama for the next 25years isn't a pleasant thought.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross Tue 16-Jul-19 10:31:03

You are eighteen weeks pregnant and look at all the drama this man is already creating, and how much everything is on his terms. Where's your voice in all of this?

And you face another eighteen years of this? Fuck that for a game of soldiers. Cut contact with him, pass his details to the CMS, and get on with your life, you and the baby. Whatever vision you have of the role he's going to play in his child's life, you know in your heart that there is no way he is going to step up and be the father you want him to be to your child. His actions are showing you very clearly who he is regardless of the narrative he's spinning so take heed of that.

stilldontgiveaf Tue 16-Jul-19 10:32:47

Do you know what makes it so much worse, now I'm thinking about it. He told me that his mum would be heartbroken as this is their first grandchild and she's want to be heavily involved and he doesn't want that.

All I kept thinking was his family has a right to know and I'd bet his mum would be an amazing grandma 😭 it just doesn't fit in with him wanting his single man life.

My poor baby sad

PooWillyBumBum Tue 16-Jul-19 10:33:19

@stilldontgiveaf you need to focus on you and the baby. Put in the CSA claim and move on mentally. Let him know scan dates, send a text when you’re in labour. If he is a decent human being he will turn up at the right times and speak to you like an adult.

And next time you meet a 26 year old still living with his parents and so blatantly terrible at managing money (bailiffs!?) run a mile!

Pinktinker Tue 16-Jul-19 10:33:39

I feel sorry for his new GF having absolutely no idea how much of a child she’s actually dating... Still, I’m sure she’ll find out soon enough.

Zaphodsotherhead Tue 16-Jul-19 10:33:51

He's 26 and he still allows his father to open his post?

He's a child, OP. Cut all contact, leave it to CMS to deal with, don't involve yourself any further with this car crash of a family.

PooWillyBumBum Tue 16-Jul-19 10:34:28

And in answer to your question YABU to want to lose your shit. Don’t get pulled into his family drama. You’re not his girlfriend, and sounds like you never will be, you don’t need to.

Tolleshunt Tue 16-Jul-19 10:35:01

I would step away, and drop the idea he is going to play the father role. I would be very worried about my child going for unsupervised contact with him if his family are that unpleasant. You will be better off going it alone. He’s mentally still in child mode by the sound of it, and will be fuck all use anyway.

stilldontgiveaf Tue 16-Jul-19 10:35:39

@TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross * Where's your voice in all of this?*

I'm feeling this big time right now. I've not even been able to defend myself. Been seen to be a liar, sucked into all this shit.

I'm so embarrassed that this post comes across as us being teenagers when I'm 28 years old. But after the history I've had, I really just wanted to try and do right in this situation and I've failed miserably.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Tue 16-Jul-19 10:36:34

He sounds like a pain in the arse and really immature.

He's in debt, worried about bailiffs and still living with his Dad at 26? Who opens his post? confused

I think you need to assume he will not be a constructive figure in your child's life, and you need to do this on your own. He's already in another relationship and has shown himself to be totally flakey.

Cut contact with him put plans in place for being a single mother. It's tough but millions of women do and have done it. He'll just drag you down and be another manchild to look after if you try and keep him involved.

Do you have to name him on the birth certificate if you are going for CMS? Might be easier just to not to, and fend for yourself.

MissB83 Tue 16-Jul-19 10:36:46

stilldontgiveaf I thought the same. It used to make me much more stressed whilst I was still pregnant. Once baby is here you won't have the time to worry about his shit! He cannot offer you or your child anything at the moment.

stilldontgiveaf Tue 16-Jul-19 10:36:50

@Pinktinker * I feel sorry for his new GF having absolutely no idea how much of a child she’s actually dating... Still, I’m sure she’ll find out soon enough.*

This was the first thing I thought when I found out he was in a relationship. That poor fucking girl.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult Tue 16-Jul-19 10:37:04

Has spun you a line about his family, he's spun his family a line about you.

You have absolutely no idea what the reality is.

Don't feel guilty about them having a right to know, that's on him, not you.

Your baby will have a fantastic mum, nothing to feel sorry for him/her about at all flowers

MyOpinionIsValid Tue 16-Jul-19 10:38:40

I always think dragging others into a situation isnt the way forward.

You and he created the baby, your discussions should solely be with him, not his father, sister, uncle Tom Cobley - and yes, in his own time it is his responsibility to tell his partner about the situation with you. What you want or think about this is actually irrelevant. Everyone has the right to privacy.

He disappeared, tried to ghost me out of the blue before I found out.

TBH he'd already terminated the relationship before you knew you were pregnant. He's made his position clear. all you can do is crack on, as a single parent. Go through the CSA etc, and put him in the box marked 'closed chapter' and stop giving him head space.

RubaiyatOfAnyone Tue 16-Jul-19 10:40:03

Just to reiterate, whatever else you do give the baby YOUR surname on the birth certificate.
He sounds like his entire life is a drama, you don't. Don't get caught up in his dramatics.
Just step back, put he CMS/DNA claim after your baby is born, and don't expect anything from him as a father except a pittance each month. If he can't even grow up enough to have adult discussions about a future baby, he's a long way from actually being able to step up and be a father properly, so it's not worth hanging on constantly hoping that he will.

stilldontgiveaf Tue 16-Jul-19 10:40:05

@Tolleshunt * I would be very worried about my child going for unsupervised contact with him if his family are that unpleasant*

Don't worry, I wouldn't dream of it.

HeadintheiClouds Tue 16-Jul-19 10:40:55

Why do you need this person in your life? He doesn’t want you, and you can’t force him. It really is that simple.

Tolleshunt Tue 16-Jul-19 10:41:17

The problem is, if he gets access you won’t be able to stop it.

stilldontgiveaf Tue 16-Jul-19 10:41:21

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy * Do you have to name him on the birth certificate if you are going for CMS? Might be easier just to not to, and fend for yourself*

No, I did some research on this. I can put a claim in regardless. If he wants to contest or he has to supply his DNA to prove he isn't the father.

Geminijes Tue 16-Jul-19 10:41:49

I think you were wrong to involve his sister by telling her you were pregnant.

His relationship with his girlfriend is irrelevant. What he decides to tell her or not tell her has nothing to do with you...that's between him and her.

I think you need to make the decisions that are best for you and your child, he's too unreliable to depend on. He sounds immature and tied to his Dad's apron strings. Not the best 'Daddy' material.

Tolleshunt Tue 16-Jul-19 10:42:07

Sorry, pressed post too soon.

So what I would do is back off right now, and hope he doesn’t want access once the baby is here.

Pinktinker Tue 16-Jul-19 10:43:00

whatever else you do give the baby YOUR surname on the birth certificate.

Fantastic advice, please do this. I gave my DC my surname despite being married (kept my maiden name) and it was the best thing I did.

Jellybeansincognito Tue 16-Jul-19 10:43:16

You’re about to bring a child into a family where the dad doesn’t care and his dad will beat the shit out of him and all you’re concerned about is your ex being in a relationship and now ignoring you?

your priorities are all wrong I’m afraid, of course yabu to lose your shit. Wtf are you doing?

MyOpinionIsValid Tue 16-Jul-19 10:44:08

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Do you have to name him on the birth certificate if you are going for CMS? Might be easier just to not to, and fend for yourself

No the father does not have to be named, and to name him he would have to agree to attend the registrars with the mother. To put him on the BC would give him PR, and given the level of duplicity, the OP needs to avoid that (and I usually never say this)

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy Tue 16-Jul-19 10:44:15

@stilldontgiveaf Well that's good news. Yep, just cut him off. Hope all goes well for you and baby.

Jellybeansincognito Tue 16-Jul-19 10:44:43

‘Don't worry, I wouldn't dream of it’ - your ex hasn’t done anything to not warrant 1-1 contact and when that happens you cannot control what happens to that child or who your ex leaves them with.

This can’t be for real surely?

stilldontgiveaf Tue 16-Jul-19 10:44:47

@HeadintheiClouds * Why do you need this person in your life? He doesn’t want you, and you can’t force him. It really is that simple.*

It wasn't about him being in my life. It was about me trying to do the right thing for the baby and knowing who his father/family are.

I grew up without a father and his side of the family. Met him when I was 16 and it got messy. Reconnected years later and he died two weeks after I saw him again for the first time to sort thing. First time I met his family was the day I viewed his body the day before his funeral.

I guess that will stay with me forever and I was desperate to try and do the right thing for my child.

stilldontgiveaf Tue 16-Jul-19 10:47:03

@Jellybeansincognito

The relationship thing was the end of it for me and breaking point on the lies.

I don't care he has a girlfriend. I care that he's lying. Again. To her.

Tolleshunt Tue 16-Jul-19 10:47:50

I totally understand why you would want the father in your baby’s life, still, and your own history must make this a very strong urge flowers

However, this manchild and his awful family will not make for a healthy, functional father or loving grandparents. Better for your child to stay away from them than be damaged by them. You sounds like you will be a lovely, sensitive mum who is mindful of your child’s emotional needs. That will be enough.

MissB83 Tue 16-Jul-19 10:48:31

It's a shame that you grew up without your father too but really it's not your responsibility if your baby's father isn't interested? All you can do is be the best mum possible and when you're a single parent that does mean conserving your energy and looking out for your mental well being/avoiding stressors because you have to save your energy for your child. You have to find a way to not let your ex get to you.

Jellybeansincognito Tue 16-Jul-19 10:49:42

But that’s none of your business? Your concern should be that you’re bringing an innocent child into this mess, and how you can solve that. Not worrying about things you can’t control.

You’re saying you want him to have a paternity test and pay you maintenance but say you won’t allow unsupervised contact? You can’t have both. He could push for contact and then will be involved with that awful sounding family and you’ll have no control over that at all.

stilldontgiveaf Tue 16-Jul-19 10:49:56

*‘Don't worry, I wouldn't dream of it’ - your ex hasn’t done anything to not warrant 1-1 contact and when that happens you cannot control what happens to that child or who your ex leaves them with.

This can’t be for real surely?*

@Jellybeansincognito

This comment was in relation to his dad and behaviours...

CatG85 Tue 16-Jul-19 10:50:47

You just need to think about you and the baby now. Be upfront with everyone, get the DNA test done and get the CSA you and baby will need and deserve. He hasn't been honest with you and you're clearly not his priority so don't make him on of yours. Do what you have to do.

stilldontgiveaf Tue 16-Jul-19 10:51:38

Your concern should be that you’re bringing an innocent child into this mess, and how you can solve that.

Please tell me how I can solve it.

lilmishap Tue 16-Jul-19 10:52:06

You’re saying you want him to have a paternity test and pay you maintenance but say you won’t allow unsupervised contact? You can’t have both

She absolutely can. Granddad is violent and he lives with him

Jellybeansincognito Tue 16-Jul-19 10:52:10

You can’t control his dads behaviours.

Are you honestly happy that you’re growing a child that will one day be left in the care of these morons, because you won’t be able to stop that?

Amibeingdaft81 Tue 16-Jul-19 10:52:15

You’re 18 weeks

All this drama already. “Fast forward a month”, “weeks passed”

Op you want him “to see his kid”

Firstly. There is no kid. There is a pregnancy.
Secondly. This man sounds awful. Not someone you should be actively pursuing involvement

What you DO need from him is financial support.

Focus on yourself, your pregnancy and your future.

RedSuitcase Tue 16-Jul-19 10:52:34

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Jellybeansincognito Tue 16-Jul-19 10:52:49

lilmishap There’s absolutely no proof of that.

Tolleshunt Tue 16-Jul-19 10:53:26

If he gets unsupervised access to the baby he will be able to take them to visit his parents, and you won’t even able to do anything about it. I would fade away, personally.

stilldontgiveaf Tue 16-Jul-19 10:54:27

@Tolleshunt I would fade away, personally.

That's now my plan. 😣

lilmishap Tue 16-Jul-19 10:55:21

You can solve it by distancing yourself from the mess.
I'd be shitting and stamping in it, then crying.....on repeat for a few days.

Do that brush yourself off and get on with the long old wait for babies arrival, anything can happen in a few months, he could get hit by a car or you could meet a genuine bloke, OR you could find that he is irrelevant by the time baby gets here.

Hoping it's the 2nd or 3rd for you

Jellybeansincognito Tue 16-Jul-19 10:55:24

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Jellybeansincognito Tue 16-Jul-19 10:57:17

Either you or your child will suffer, probably both of you.

Having this child is definitely not the easy way out, you cannot protect him from violence from them. They don’t sound like the kind of people that’ll make it easy for you.

stilldontgiveaf Tue 16-Jul-19 10:57:41

@Jellybeansincognito oh shut up. How dare you question my reason to not terminate. Get off my thread

lilmishap Tue 16-Jul-19 10:58:18

I can't see him making too much effort to see the baby tbh, Supervised or unsupervised

Get on with it by yourself.

Tolleshunt Tue 16-Jul-19 10:58:53

Jellybeans that’s out of line.

newnamenewbrain Tue 16-Jul-19 10:59:19

Your baby will be fine & loved by you.

I think your life will be easier as a single mother compared with a life trying to organise this man who looks likely to mess you & your child around.

Do you have any friends or family or who can help when the baby is here?

Do you have other children?

stilldontgiveaf Tue 16-Jul-19 10:59:25

What a fucking twat.

Jellybeansincognito Tue 16-Jul-19 11:00:02

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Jellybeansincognito Tue 16-Jul-19 11:00:32

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stilldontgiveaf Tue 16-Jul-19 11:00:57

@Jellybeansincognito seriously, just stop.

PurpleDaisies Tue 16-Jul-19 11:01:47

Leave it jelly. It’s the op’s decision.

S1naidSucks Tue 16-Jul-19 11:02:22

send a text when you’re in labour

I would strongly advise against this. You don’t want to risk him and an angry family arriving at the hospital. I wouldn’t tell him the baby had been born, until you get the baby’s name registered. That way you get to do things on your own terms, rather than be pressured by this pathetic excuse for a father and his equally odious father.

mummymeister Tue 16-Jul-19 11:02:44

If he is expected to make some form of financial contribution towards the child then along with this will come access. at least in my eyes it should. so either manage by yourself, cut him and his money out of your life and never see him or his family again or if you do want him to give financial support be very prepared for all the drama that is going to go with it. I dont think its fair to expect him to support the baby without some form of access and at some point in the future he will want this if he is paying. so personally the second best option in this scenario is to not take money off of him and therefore make sure he has no rights over your child. it might be tough to manage financially but it relieves you of 18+ years of drama with him and his family.

ginnybag Tue 16-Jul-19 11:02:59

OP,

You need to ask yourself the following:

'Is the tiny amount of money I might get worth dealing with this muppet and his family for the rest of my life?'

My gut feeling would be 'hell, no!'

In your shoes, I'd be running far, far away. I'd be making no further contact, not putting him on the Birth Certificate and I wouldn't be keeping the door open via CMS claim, either.

As things stand, he'll bring nothing positive to your life, he doesn't sound like he'll being anything positive to a child's life, you think his wider family are toxic and possibly abusive and you're adamantly against any unsupervised contact.

Listen to that gut reaction,drop contact and count yourself lucky. Whilst I agree he has a responsibility to pay for his child, that is likely going to come at the cost of leaving open a door for him/his family to change their minds about wanting to be involved. If he is the child's father, unless you can prove he is dangerous to the child, you actually have no legal right to prevent contact. For sure, no one's talking about a tiny breastfed baby being handed over, but by the time the child is in school, 50/50 unsupervised would be considered reasonable unless it's not in the child's best interests - and that's damn difficult to prove, as children are deemed to have a right to know both parents.

It's not necessarily going to be a popular view, I know, but just read some of the many, many (many, many) threads on here from women stuck in scenarios with kid's fathers who drop in and put, let them down at short notice, borderline neglect the kids when they're in their care, drop them for second families etc etc etc. and do some real soul searching.

Is that what you want, a fuckwit manchild tied to you forever, who if the mood takes him (or his family through him) could take you to court and gain access to your child, whether you like it or not?

Is it worth it?

At the end of the day, he knows now, and he can contact you as easily as you can contact him. If he's worthy of being your child's dad, and not just their biological father, then he will. If not, I'd be counting my blessings. You can't make him be a better man, and why would you want involvement from a deadweight?

stilldontgiveaf Tue 16-Jul-19 11:03:09

@S1naidSucks yeah, I think I've decided to not do anything now until after the birth and take it a day at a time from there.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult Tue 16-Jul-19 11:03:29

Jellybeansincognito the op has chosen to keep her baby and is just looking for support how to deal with the situation with the father. She isn't looking for judgement or spiteful comments.

Making a pregnant woman feel like shit, especially after she asked you to stop, is pretty nasty.

Tolleshunt Tue 16-Jul-19 11:03:36

No, you are catastrophising, Jellybeans, and pushing for OP to majorly over-react. Calm down.

Positing that the child would be better off not having a life at all because it might have to have a relationship with dysfunctional family members is ludicrous, and extreme.

If you wouldn’t go on a thread about abortion and tell OP not to do it, you shouldn’t be trying to push OP into an abortion. FFS.

Amibeingdaft81 Tue 16-Jul-19 11:04:13

Whilst I don’t agree with pressuring abortion

I do think this is a very sad situation for the child. This is not going to be a happy settled stable childhood I strongly suspect

ohcanada Tue 16-Jul-19 11:05:48

Your priorities at the moment need to be your baby, and you. Take care of those two things, don't allow this stress and drama to take up your head space.

Don't try and help him play silly games with his family, just crack on with your life and keep at an arms distance. DO claim for CSA, it's your right and his obligation to pay for his child. Don't allow him to talk you out of it - I'm sure you've read the horror stories on here and know better.

Jellybeansincognito Tue 16-Jul-19 11:07:15

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult I am a bit emotional today so I do apologise, it’s not going to end well though is it?

Essentially what op is doing is allowing a child to suffer because she doesn’t want to suffer herself, but tbh... there’s no guarantee of that either. The mans family sound vile and this is only the start.
Op doesn’t sound very clued up on the rights they will have either.

When you have children they come first, this situation isn’t putting the child first at all. They’re open to abuse already and aren’t even born yet.

MissB83 Tue 16-Jul-19 11:08:33

Telling an OP to have an abortion at this stage is ridiculous and inflammatory.

There is every chance that OP and her baby will be just fine and will not have contact with this man or his family going forward.

OP, you don't need to make any decisions now because you can't do anything about maintenance etc until your baby is born, has been registered and you have put in your claim for child benefit. You will want to think about whether you ask the father along to register the birth otherwise he won't be on the BC (my son's father isn't because he was still disputing paternity too at this stage). Otherwise you have a long time of this pregnancy left so you have plenty of time to think about things and build your support network.

Poppi89 Tue 16-Jul-19 11:08:42

I have been in a very similar situation as you are in now when I was a teenager. You need to realise that you are a single parent, that means no support physically, mentally or financially from the dad regardless of what he says! He may completely change once the baby is born but if he's anything like my DDs dad he won't and will continuously change his mind whether he wants to be involved or not. My DDs dad has had little to no contact in 11 years and his family have had no contact - I don't know if they knew she existed for the first few years. And too be honest it's more drama when he wants to be involved than when he doesn't!
My advice is if you want to keep this baby please don't rely on him in any way as he seems the type not to be there at all and his family don't seem great either. His relationship status is nothing to do with you as you're not together. I would wait until the baby is born and then reach out to him or his family members if you want a DNA test but for now I wouldn't contact him but I would keep the door open for him to be involved if he wants to. Sorry if this sounds harsh I am just trying to save you the same stress as I went through.

stilldontgiveaf Tue 16-Jul-19 11:08:59

I know for sure that this is my irrational side taking over right now.

I need to allow myself a day or two to get this out my system and start to think logically.

I will distance myself and start no contact. Just have to be strong about it and not cave to any temptations of wanting to speak to him.

If he wants to find me and see when the baby is born I guess that's down to him.

I can't do this whole chasing thing any longer. It's childish, I know.

PurpleDaisies Tue 16-Jul-19 11:09:31

Just get off the thread jelly. You’re attacking the op with every post, even your “apology”.

gingerbreadsprinkle Tue 16-Jul-19 11:09:36

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

Have you seen Teen Mom? You are Chelsea. He is Adam.

I wouldn't be surprised if he makes other poor life decisions in the future like going deep in to drug addiction, usually men who do not want to take responsibility for the children also fall in to this category from what I have seen. They do not make good life choices.

I hope things get better for you, but you need to be prepared for him choosing not to work to spite you and being vile/saying horrible things/ghosting. Be mentally ready to completely go this alone. Don't lose your shit otherwise you will give him and his family ammunition to attack you by trying to say you're unstable or something. Make yourself very cold and assume everything he says is a lie.

MissB83 Tue 16-Jul-19 11:10:52

* I wouldn't be surprised if he makes other poor life decisions in the future like going deep in to drug addiction, usually men who do not want to take responsibility for the children also fall in to this category from what I have seen. They do not make good life choices.*

Bingo.

stilldontgiveaf Tue 16-Jul-19 11:11:38

@PurpleDaisies the apology wasn't even to me...

lilmishap Tue 16-Jul-19 11:11:46

Allowing a child to suffer???

Wind your neck in that's bullshit. Plenty of kids live happy lives despite having a dickhead for a dad

Jellybeansincognito Tue 16-Jul-19 11:13:10

Oh back off, it’s reality for many unfortunately. Op needs to realise that there is no easy way out here and that for her child to come first and not suffer at the hands of this situation she really needs to clue herself up.

Tbh op if you really want this baby you need to get some legal advice. If there is something he can sign for him and his family to never be involved or want to be involved you couldn’t do any better at protecting your child.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult Tue 16-Jul-19 11:13:23

Jellybeansincognito I'm sorry that you're not having a great day flowers

I have 4 dc who's dad doesn't see them at all, moved in with a woman and he parents her kids instead. Absolutely dysfunctional idiot that he is. My kids have me, and we have a pretty good life, they get upset about him every now and then and we work through it, but it certainly isn't a defining thing in our family at all. Just because the child's dad is a waste of space, it doesn't mean the child will be miserable.

BertrandRussell Tue 16-Jul-19 11:14:00

Ok.

Do not contact him again. Let the CSA do that.
Start preparing to raise this child alone.
Get a contraceptive implant.

MissB83 Tue 16-Jul-19 11:14:28

* Tbh op if you really want this baby you need to get some legal advice. If there is something he can sign for him and his family to never be involved or want to be involved you couldn’t do any better at protecting your child.*

I will be corrected if I'm wrong but I don't think that has any legal authority in the UK (where I am assuming that the OP is?).

stilldontgiveaf Tue 16-Jul-19 11:15:32

For those who have suggested I'm not clued up on rights, just want to clarify I am.

This thread was more about me venting. I know over time I will see things rationally.

I'm aware that if he is on the BC he has 50% rights.

I'm aware that grandparents also have rights and can apply for visitations via a contact order through the courts

I'm aware that if he wishes to be involved he can apply for a declaration of parentage vis the courts to which he can supply his dna and be put on the BC.


I think I'll just not claim CSA to avoid anymore potential drama. If he wants contact, it'll have to be him doing it. Not me pushing it on him. Time for me to let it go.

Poppi89 Tue 16-Jul-19 11:16:23

You are bound to have a million different thoughts right now because you are in such a stressful situation but just try not to make him cause you any more stress. Take time for yourself and make a plan for the future, where you will live, work etc. And just enjoy being pregnant and having a baby and if he wants contact in the future you can sort it out at the time.

ImABeanBanana Tue 16-Jul-19 11:17:13

Perhaps fade away from him, make sure the baby has your surname and leave it at that.

only know this because he was freaking out about a bailiff warrant and shitting himself that his dad would get to his post first

Although his dad may be abusive, perhaps it's a lie or his father is simply sick of him (hence the tone you heard) and not abusive. Perhaps his father is sick of if him being irresponsible? He has a bailiff warrant at his parents house! Who wants that and is it a regular occurrence? In any case, it's way more drama than you need at the moment from him or his family, perhaps review it in months/years to come but for now your baby and your own health come first.

stilldontgiveaf Tue 16-Jul-19 11:18:09

@Poppi89 thank you. Amongst my irrational rants, I've been sorting things my end. I have my own place, I work for myself and everything is in order for me to be a single parent. I know that I don't need this person really. I think it was more of a principle thing for me.

Jellybeansincognito Tue 16-Jul-19 11:18:56

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult And that’s fine, of course it is. It’s the fact that this mans dad sounds abusive, and the fact is op can’t do anything to protect her child from that. Especially with her wanting to get maintenance and paternity testing.

It’s not an ideal situation, it’s the truth- I’m not trying to be nasty about it. Op is in this situation and has choices, people often go into these situations and think they have control when the truth is, they don’t.

Looking4wards Tue 16-Jul-19 11:19:27

OP,

You need to ask yourself the following:

'Is the tiny amount of money I might get worth dealing with this muppet and his family for the rest of my life?'

My gut feeling would be 'hell, no!'

^ This! I would go NC and have nothing more to do with any of them. It's better for your stress levels and mental health and money can't buy any of those.

lilmishap Tue 16-Jul-19 11:19:51

If there is something he can sign for him and his family to never be involved or want to be involved you couldn’t do any better at protecting your child

He can't sign away rights he doesn't have.
OP can have zero contact and if he reaches out she can tell him to go through courts. I can't see him bothering
Why are you catastrophising this?

GiBlues Tue 16-Jul-19 11:20:09

For someone that has told you constant lies throughout your relationship and pregnancy I would certainly take what he says about his dad with a huge pinch of salt.
Perhaps his dad opens his post because he has run up debts and not paid them and they’ve had bailiffs banging on their front door. Perhaps his dad has had enough of his lying, immature son and putting up with his shit.
Perhaps not, but I wouldn’t believe a word this “man” says and from now on just focus on your baby and yourself. If he wants to be involved let him do the leg work don’t chase after him.

stilldontgiveaf Tue 16-Jul-19 11:20:13

@ImABeanBanana

Although his dad may be abusive, perhaps it's a lie or his father is simply sick of him (hence the tone you heard) and not abusive

That though has crossed my mind too recently.

Although in my previous post I said about not allowing unsupervised contact. I meant that in the sense of that's not something that would happen instantly.

If it turns out the family pop up after birth, things will have to be taken a day at a time. Plus it's not ideal that a newborn goes without their mother for long periods of time.

RubaiyatOfAnyone Tue 16-Jul-19 11:20:24

Good for you, OP. Like I said up thread - you seem to be low drama and have your life sorted. He sounds like maximum drama. Avoid.

Tolleshunt Tue 16-Jul-19 11:21:55

*Essentially what op is doing is allowing a child to suffer because she doesn’t want to suffer herself, but tbh... there’s no guarantee of that either. The mans family sound vile and this is only the start.
Op doesn’t sound very clued up on the rights they will have either.*

When you have children they come first, this situation isn’t putting the child first at all. They’re open to abuse already and aren’t even born yet.

Jelly your frankly ridiculous and obnoxious allegations that OP is pushing her child into suffering to avoid suffering herself are arrant fucking tosh.

I don’t know what issues you have going on in your own life, but you appear to be massively projecting here. Going off on a fantasy frolic in your mind that involves wildly dramatic allegations against the Op is about as unhelpful as it gets. Damaging, in fact.

Look to sort your own issues before trying to sway somebody else into a life-changing decision.

stilldontgiveaf Tue 16-Jul-19 11:22:13

Those who have mentioned about the grandfather...

In all honesty, this is something I'd have to find out for myself. I no longer believe anything the baby's dad says. I'll have to make my own judgment on the grandfather to find out the truth. If they decide to contact me then I'll have to deal with that head on.

Gummybear11 Tue 16-Jul-19 11:25:25

Cut contact, do not push for him to attend scans etc.

Do not put him on the birth certificate.

Do not allow him access when the baby is born unless by some miracle he has moved out of his parents home and has a stable life.

Any attempts by you to involve him and his family at this point, is not putting your baby first in my opinion, it's you wishing for things that ain't gunna happen and your child will end up in the middle of a load of unstable family drama.

Put your baby first, not what you wish would happen.

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