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I think i'm going to crack, what do I do? (long one)

(144 Posts)
littleflatontheprairie Tue 16-Jul-19 01:00:44

It's a long one, I've name changed.
Ok, I can only summarise, what has gotten me to this point.
- getting married in 2.5 months to an amazing person, very happy to be his wife
- gone NC with my mother since Feb as she's cruel and horrible for many many reasons all my life and I've been incredibly strong and resilient but i'm struggling a lot now. It's hard even though I find it easier without her.
- new MIL and SIL to be decided to lash out at me and DP when we got engaged because they were stressed, quite a few times and the relationship deteriorated. We sorted it, they (eventually after lots of lies) admitted and apologized, but it took its toll on me, my DP and our relationship. That relationship with MIL and SIL to be is damaged, and they really are not trying with me to repair. it's very hurtful.
- My DB is not talking too other DB, he wouldn't attend his wedding in May, our family has basically fallen apart and we don't really talk to each other much, there is no support there

Summarise past week:
- guy that I work with and struggle with pushed me over the edge last Tuesday, after months of biting my tongue I snapped and we had it out. Nothing like crazy, just a large disagreement. I've flagged I struggle with him previously to mgt and this was kind of the straw that broke the camels back, and I've threatened to make a formal complaint. I'm very upset
- my hen party was this weekend. my MOH put lots of planning etc into it. 2 people backed out last minute which is always expected. One excuse was legit, her mum was very unwell and going for a very serious operation Monday after the hen on Saturday. The other couldn't get off work, lame excuse but I assume it's just a face for something else (and i know what that's like so fine).
- Saturday night mid hen, I learn that my friend's mom actually passed away Saturday evening. Now given everyone was there for me and having a good time, I went game face and pulled through, smiled and gave the night my all (even though I was dying inside). Her mom was very good to me, and my friend is VERY close to her mom, so i'm heartbroken for her. I don't know if she'll get through this really.
- Sunday morning wake up MoH is off with me, I ask why she's behaving weird. I asked had I done something, she said I did nothing. Basically, she wants me to leave and travel with other girls from hen to see my friend (we'd be passing my poor friends front door) says having to go see my wedding dress the next day is bad planning and suggests I cancel it to go see my friend instead of this evening. Given that I live far away and travel via plane to be with everyone more local which is where wedding dress shop is (well a bit of a drive), my days are numbered for this stuff and it was planned a long time to do this and I told her no pressure to attend, but she wanted to. She was cool as ice with me, I felt so bad so awkward, apologized for being such pain by her having to drive me and give up soo much time, but she did not make me feel better she let me know I was an inconvenience. She had a lot on and emotions caught up with her (she's not used to such mad times to be fair) and she has basically lashed out at me. Her reasons - I sent a text with a list of stuff to bring (shampoo, perfume, one item was me as a lol) and I asked her to get my handbag in the bar during hen - which I actually didn't. What actually happened was I said I left it unattended and need to go get it, she said she would and disappeared, even though I said I would too.. She goes off cried to my other BM and says I'm. ungrateful and mean!

I learned this tonight from my BM. I calmly call the MoH, she tells me she was just emotional and she is sorry I feel this way and she doesn't want it blown out of proportion.... I'm like 2 comments you've misinterpreted do not equate to treating me like shit for 2 days (given the circumstances) because you're tired. AIBU to be so hurt and offended by this? I was very calm and very clear on the phone, played a blinder if I do say so myself. She was VERY defensive and almost tried to put it back on me as though i was overreacting. I spent this evening just crying to DP. He's very upset with MoH, given the petty excuse.
Before I get a hard tome for bringing a Bridezilla, I'm not at all. All the girls needed to do was the hen, I didn't interfere, I've sorted everything else for wedding. I ask and demand nothing from them.

- In the meantime I get a text Monday morning at 7am from DB, telling me another DB is cheating on his DP, with whom he has 3 kids. No hey, how was your hen party?

I think I have lost it tonight. I've just broken. Everything has finally bubbled over and I can't take anymore. I thought my MoH was on my side, she knows I lack support form family. She has hurt me so much (doesn't realize or won't be accountable for her behavior).

AIBU not taking that crap from my MoH?

How do I begin to sort out emotions? I don't know what my next move is. help MN!
I fell into a scary depression a couple of years, ago over my DM. I fear I may slip back in unless I do something. It's supposed to be the happiest time of my life, and I just want it over.

QueenofPain Tue 16-Jul-19 01:10:32

Well I thought the title of your post said “I think i’m going to smoke crack. What do I do?”. So i’m glad to read that things aren’t actually as bad as that.

Do you think there’s any way that you and your fiancé can just sack all these people off and go and get married somewhere on your own? Seems like it would solve a lot of problems.

littleflatontheprairie Tue 16-Jul-19 01:13:41

You have no idea how much I've wanted to do that. We're too far in. We have regrets, but we are where we are.
I hate this wedding circus (I'm not intent on offending by saying that) I am just emotionally spent because of the hurt and pain it's causing me and DP and the people around me are just dickheads it seems.

Blondebakingmumma Tue 16-Jul-19 02:18:43

You seem to be the center of all the drama!
You are the common denominator

You are being a bit selfish with your DB. His relationship is falling apart with children involved. And you are concerned that you weren’t asked how your hens night went. Far out! Not everything is about you. I imagine your MOH is feeling like you are self absorbed too

littleflatontheprairie Tue 16-Jul-19 02:27:33

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

TwistyTop Tue 16-Jul-19 02:44:04

Another one suggesting that you elope...

DH and I still kick ourselves for not doing it. If you're brave enough it might be the answer to a lot of your problems...

LollyBmummy3 Tue 16-Jul-19 02:45:04

Everything’s just getting on top of you. Step back and let them all fight it out amongst themselves. That’s the hen over and panning is all done, if I were you I’d block them all for a few days and enjoy the days leading up to your big day with your dP. If any of them don’t show at the wedding. Who cares??? You are marrying the man you love and wearing a gorgeous dress. Nothing else matters. Congrats!💙

LollyBmummy3 Tue 16-Jul-19 02:51:05

I also like the elope idea, but it’s perhaps too late now. Is it too late to downsize the whole event? I know it’s not the done thing. But just tell people it’s escalated into something you and dp don’t want, and that you’ve decided to have a small wedding instead. Then only invite those who really matter. If you’re giving the venue enough notice, they may be able to move you to a smaller room and you could even save some money. 🍀

Topseyt Tue 16-Jul-19 03:02:07

Elope. It is far simpler. Everything else is too much like hard work.

roundbottomflask Tue 16-Jul-19 03:16:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

roundbottomflask Tue 16-Jul-19 03:21:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

itstrue Tue 16-Jul-19 03:39:35

Weddings are so stressful even if everything is going well. I remember having a panic attack on my honeymoon and then realising the day is over now and realising I didn't have to panic!

It sounds like you need to take a step back and look at all the individual parts. Can you talk to your do? Often men have a very black and white way of looking at these things and don't get caught up in the emotional side of things.

But it seems like you have to narrow your focus and work out what is the most important mentally for you to deal with and let the rest go.

If it were me - my brothers dramas would be nothing to do with me. You can't influence anything there so don't take it on board.

I probably would let the work issue slide too. You need to be de stressing rather ramping it up and I'd prioritise wedding over this.

The friend issue. A big step back and try and look at it from her side. A MoH is someone who is special to you. Most wouldn't go out of there way to hurt you.

Blondebakingmumma Tue 16-Jul-19 04:36:05

You have had separate disputes with your

DM
MIL
SIL
work colleague
MOH
DB

PotolBabu Tue 16-Jul-19 05:24:49

I think I feel very sorry for the MoH who couldn’t go and support a grieving friend for a dress fitting. And then is being blamed for not being cheerful enough at said dress fitting.
Do brothers care about hen dos? Especially when families are falling apart?

I know you say you are not a bridezilla but some of this is uncomfortably close to being one.

lolaflores Tue 16-Jul-19 05:32:52

Sun doesn't rise and set on you.
You do not have a monopoly on hurt feelings, stress and grief.
I think you are bot aware of how others are truly feeling but Mary wait for an opportunity to "lash out".
There seems to be a lot of lashing out doesn't there.
It all sounds exhausting.
Passive aggressive.
Honestly, I cant flow the logic of your post or what it is you want to hear.
You are right, everyone else is horrible and isn't that awful.for you?
Have permission from MN tonkick off a bit more?

Ginmel Tue 16-Jul-19 05:36:49

It's ironic you say you hate your wedding circus when you seem to be quite enjoying being the ringmaster

You were in the wrong with the moh. You said yourself she had put in a lot of effort. You should have let her go and grieve / be with your other friend. Swallow your pride and tell her on reflection you'd lost perspective

Lawnmowingsucks Tue 16-Jul-19 05:45:37

Definitely elope. Cancel everything and elope. No excuses, that's the answer.

But you won't, because there's a part of you which enjoys the drama

And in each element of drama so far, you are culpable. Not wholly, but partly.

NewtoHolland Tue 16-Jul-19 05:51:59

It all sounds like a mess.
What could be more important than your grieving friend? I think you've lost perspective here.
Easily done with weddings.

kmammamalto Tue 16-Jul-19 05:54:15

I agree with @blondebakingmama actually and I don't think she was being horrid at all! She put it quite politely!
I found it hard to get through your post because it's massively dramatising relatively small events. So you disagreed with a colleague. So what!? Taking your stress out on you MOH just added one more person to the list of people upset by all the drama. Totally nessesary

ReganSomerset Tue 16-Jul-19 05:56:43

Agree with pp, you should've cancelled the fitting or insisted on going alone via taxi. Your friend needs support.

FredaFrogspawn Tue 16-Jul-19 06:00:50

It does sound a bit like you need to step back and evaluate your part in all these separate disputes and upsets. You very much have a ‘victim-me’ hat on.

newmomof1 Tue 16-Jul-19 06:04:11

It does seem like you're pretty selfish, OP.
You seem to have a lot of issues with a lot of people who you are close to.

- DM - fine. If you've had a bad childhood etc and going NC is the right thing for you that's fine, but why now?

-MIL/SIL - you've had your differences, it happens. They've admitted their faults, and apologised. There needs to be a bit of give and take to rebuild a relationship, why would you not make the effort for DB?

- DB - firstly, he does not give a shit how your hen went. Why would/should he? You say there's no support but he reaches out to you for help and you just slag him off.

- MOH - she organised you a fantastic hen night. She wanted to support her friend who's mother had died but you insisted on your dress fitting, and she went with your wishes. You were so so selfish - why didn't you just get an Uber or hire a car or, I dunno, be a good friend!
I can understand why she was cold with you and you're lucky she's still attending the wedding, especially with your incredibly high opinions of yourself.

I think you are massively unreasonable and self-absorbed.

newmomof1 Tue 16-Jul-19 06:06:04

Oh yeah I forgot the colleague. Grow up.

Teacher22 Tue 16-Jul-19 06:07:57

My DD was married two weeks ago and it was a wonderful day. However it took over every waking moment of nearly two years of her life.

It is as if she has woken from a dream and seen that the rest of the world has gone on without her. She has started to tidy her house and throw out all the junk and dust that accumulated while she was in full wedding mode. She saw it with new eyes after the honeymoon.

Maybe that will happen to you too.

I would avoid your DM and stick with your DP, soon to be DH. You cannot fix your brother’s marriage so do not angst about that. Try to avoid conflict at work.

In fact, try to avoid being angry and resentful of others. People are selfish and let you down all the time so try to distance yourself from anyone who can hurt you. Also, try to be philosophical about things which cannot be helped like a sudden death. Personally, I think the grieving hen should have been more considerate of you when the mother died but I can understand how emotions overcame her.

You sound like you are going to be overwhelmed if you carry on as normal. Can you get some counselling?

Pikapikachooo Tue 16-Jul-19 06:08:29

Its all too much and you can’t see the wood for the trees and I can see why you are so unhappy . This is what I never had a wedding or big do / I am just too anxious !

Your friend wanted to support a grieving friend and couldn’t . I can see her issue actually . I would acknowledge this , thank her for arranging and acknowledge her feelings .

Your brother has done nothing wrong . A cheating sibling trumps a hen do . You are just to upset to see that

Work bully take a step back , and don’t deal with it for a week or so when your emotions are less fraught

Send grieving friend a lovely card and flowers

I think as you are so overwhelmed everything seems like a crisis when in fact they are different separate issues , if that makes sense ? I get this . Can you make a concerted effort to calm down and try and speak to someone , either Samaritans or work EAP to try and get it all out ?

People’s Nasty comments don’t help when someone has a Pending MH crisis here .

OP take care of yourself and don’t dismiss this crisis you are feeling . But also don’t allow it to make everything seem
Major flowers

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