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To have asked partner to miss his hobby?

(242 Posts)
Passmethemalibu Tue 16-Jul-19 00:28:01

Okay I didn’t think I was being unreasonable but I’m starting to think I might have been so I’d be interested to hear other opinions.

Partner does a hobby every Monday and Thursday morning meaning he leaves before the kids get up for school.

It’s sons birthday next week and he wanted to open his presents in the morning before school with us. All good.

I asked partner if he would miss one session so he could be there whilst son opened his presents. He said no he’s not missing it end of.

It’s caused quite a row. Aibu to think that he can miss one session a year for a child’s birthday? I feel like I’m probably just being over sensitive and owe him an apology but it’s really grated on me. Please shake some sense into me blush

Shooturlocalmethdealer Thu 18-Jul-19 11:43:20


raspberryk Thu 18-Jul-19 10:23:41

Wtf I hope your partner has been saving the rest, if he's spending that much on his gym and protein stuff, it probably wouldn't matter if you spend money like it's water you still wouldn't be spending what he is I'll bet.
Do you even look at the rest of the finances as in where the other money goes?
Why in hells name are you covering all essential costs and leaving him to have all that pocket money? So what if you spend all your hard earned money, I'll bet he does. Why have you made yourself so vulnerable to this man? You can teach yourself money management you know. Have a spending account with an allotted amount each week or month seperate to the rest of your money, that's how I do it.

ASundayWellSpent Thu 18-Jul-19 09:40:07

He is being unreasonable! My DH works nights, gets in at 5am and still gets out of bed at 7 on our little girls birthdays to see them open presents!

Hadalifeonce Thu 18-Jul-19 09:31:51

Sorry OP, you are in an abusive relationship. You should have a serious think about your and your DC's position with this abusive man.

ptumbi Wed 17-Jul-19 07:44:28

I’ve brought the lack of effort up a few times and he’s made me feel absolutely terrible for questioning him as a parent, - so he thinks he's a great parent? Even though you pull him on the lack of effort in his parenting (which does make him a crap parent)
even though I wasn’t even questioning his parenting he made me out to be totally in the wrong for bringing anything up that I end up apologising to him. yes of course you do! HE is always right, even when that is making Zero effort in parenting, he is still the greatest parent ever?

Leave. You are a single parent anyway - show your kids that a 'relationship' like this is no relationship at all. And you (and they) deserve better. You ds already knows this.

He can still 'parent' as a single father - but he won't, of course. He IS a Crap Parent, and a Crap Partner. Please make sure of your finances when you go.

likeafishneedsabike Tue 16-Jul-19 22:27:30

Great post from @Bored40.
Totally agree that by this stage he should have the DC involved in this hobby (not sure how old DD is but certainly DS) It’s a brilliant thing to be so active, fit and disciplined - and even better to be encouraging these things in your own children.

ConfCall Tue 16-Jul-19 21:58:24

You sound worn down, and passive. You’re creating trouble for yourself. He’s awful but you’re enabling it.

BoomBoomsCousin Tue 16-Jul-19 21:48:56

What ChazsBrilliantAttitude said.

Look out for your financial security OP.

GabsAlot Tue 16-Jul-19 21:14:27

Wow hes really got you thinking youre a lucky lady hasnt he

well youre not-hes a selfish prick who wont be questioned about anything and all he can talk about is his hobby-what about what you want to do or even just relax-you swap shifts so HE can go out you do everything to support his hobby but he wont even cancel when you dont feel well to take his own kids to school

God forbid if something drastic happened and you were permannetly ill

You can do better and you should

SchadenfreudePersonified Tue 16-Jul-19 20:29:10

OP's partner has 104 training sessions a year, but only ONE son's birthday every year

AND the birthday is pretty predictable - same date every year (who knew?!) so he could easily re-arrange a session that week if he didn't want to miss anything.

OP I would be tempted to "accidentally" wash his karate pyjamas (or whatever) with a nice yellow duster . . .

ChazsBrilliantAttitude Tue 16-Jul-19 20:26:08

I am more concerned about your overall financial security. You are unmarried with two DC and a self absorbed partner. You appear to be paying most of the bills so do you both have savings or does he have a nice pot of money that you can’t be trusted with which he could walk away with tomorrow if he choose.

You are potentially in a horribly vulnerable position.

Tiredtessy Tue 16-Jul-19 19:23:41

Agree with Ccquavers!

CCquavers Tue 16-Jul-19 19:12:47

I would have a massive fussy full on pancake surprise breaky with balloons etc, take lots of pic and send them to all his family. I would do cake for pudding at breakfast time.

I would bring them home for school and go out to celebrate and engineer it so your DH isn't with you. But I can be a bit mean.

Forensicpsych Tue 16-Jul-19 19:05:33

Wow this is shocking of him. Poor you and poor kids!!

magoria Tue 16-Jul-19 18:28:58

He may love his kids. Trouble is he loves himself way more.

They are pretty unimportant to him aren't they. What a sad life.

NaviSprite Tue 16-Jul-19 18:13:30

So he won’t miss one morning session to spend time with his son for his sons birthday but makes you feel bad for bringing up his ‘parenting’ - how about explaining to him how bad his son will feel knowing his Father would rather be at the gym than open presents with him?

I’m sure you think he’s a perfectly loving Father but your post and subsequent updates makes it seem like he is when it’s convenient for him. As my DH and Dad to our twins said. Being a Dad is about showing your child they come first in your world whilst you can. That doesn’t mean to spoil them, as you can’t spoil a child by spending time with them.

He had this conversation with his own Dad - they agreed the best thing a Dad can do, especially a working Dad - is to make time for your kids, no matter how stressed, tired, ill or whatever else.

Your Partner choosing not to hold off on his hobby for one day shows to me a lack of genuine interest and investment in his family. I’m sorry OP but I hope whatever else comes of this, your Son has a lovely birthday x

StormTreader Tue 16-Jul-19 18:06:57

He's got a nice thing going, hasn't he?
He chooses to be out all morning at the gym, chooses to be at work late so you have to do all the child work, and then at the weekend is just too tired from all the time hes spent on himself that he needs the weekends off too.

The few times you do see him, you have to pander to his ego while he struts around showing off the muscles hes got because he has all this free time to spend on them while you have to nod and smile and coo.

It doesnt surprise me he doesnt give a crap about your sons birthday, he hasnt cared about anyone else all the rest of the time so why should this be any different?

Whosorrynow Tue 16-Jul-19 17:34:56

I’ve brought the lack of effort up a few times and he’s made me feel absolutely terrible for questioning him as a parent
he cant tolerate being in the wrong and so he punishes you for your insubordination, how dare you challenge or question him!

callmeadoctor Tue 16-Jul-19 16:54:24

You seemed to have turned into his housekeeper, Op! (thats awful)

flumposie Tue 16-Jul-19 16:30:35

He sounds totally self absorbed. Awful.

pallisers Tue 16-Jul-19 16:10:38

I’ve brought the lack of effort up a few times and he’s made me feel absolutely terrible for questioning him as a parent, even though I wasn’t even questioning his parenting he made me out to be totally in the wrong for bringing anything up that I end up apologising to him.

boy has he done a number on you.

I find it interesting that he really pushed you to have another baby when you were back at a job you loved and didn't want to leave.

I think he has you completely under his control and it was done very very deliberately.

thecatsthecats Tue 16-Jul-19 15:58:38

I'm sorry to say this OP, but this man has less interest in parenting your children than my husband has in 'parenting' our cats.

The soft bastard actually cancelled going to the gym the other evening 'because we'd been away all weekend and he'd missed them and they missed us'. His love doesn't just manifest itself in 'occasionally saying or doing nice things'. He takes effort to care for their physical needs, their habits, their likes and dislikes (I groom them too roughly apparently hmm).

I'll say that again. Your husband cares less for his human progeny than my husband does for his pets. That should appal you.

I'd be on my way out the door, I'd not be waiting for him to change, because a decent human being wouldn't need telling in the first place, and I'm not in this life to make other people better humans! You and your kids deserve better.

LannieDuck Tue 16-Jul-19 15:55:12

He sounds awful, OP. I can't believe he was so unsupportive of you during PND when he was the one that wanted the baby. And I still can't believe he refuses to skip his hobby when you're ill.

You've apologise a lot on this thread, with no reason to. And you say that you apologise to your DH a lot. Has he ever apologised to you for how he treated you when you had PND?

Jengnr Tue 16-Jul-19 15:45:04

He’s a shit dad and a shit partner. You can 100% do better.

firstimemamma Tue 16-Jul-19 15:37:36

Yanbu. Both parents should put their children first at all times, not just you. How selfish of him. What kind of message does it send to your child? I'm really sorry thanks

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