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To have asked partner to miss his hobby?

(242 Posts)
Passmethemalibu Tue 16-Jul-19 00:28:01

Okay I didn’t think I was being unreasonable but I’m starting to think I might have been so I’d be interested to hear other opinions.

Partner does a hobby every Monday and Thursday morning meaning he leaves before the kids get up for school.

It’s sons birthday next week and he wanted to open his presents in the morning before school with us. All good.

I asked partner if he would miss one session so he could be there whilst son opened his presents. He said no he’s not missing it end of.

It’s caused quite a row. Aibu to think that he can miss one session a year for a child’s birthday? I feel like I’m probably just being over sensitive and owe him an apology but it’s really grated on me. Please shake some sense into me blush

greenlynx Tue 16-Jul-19 01:26:32

YANBU .Open presents without him.
Actually I’m more concerned that he refused to do the school run when you’re poorly.

Rachelle11 Tue 16-Jul-19 01:32:29

^ This. That would concern me more.

Passmethemalibu Tue 16-Jul-19 01:32:40

I’ve pointed out several times that having a hobby is all fine and dandy I have no issue with it it’s when it comes before everything else that I do. However this is shot down in flames saying it doesn’t I’m wrong etc and he won’t accept that he puts it before other things. Just another minor example I was asked as a one off to do a morning shift at work it was quite important so I asked if he could possibly miss a training session to look after younger dd and drop her off at nursery so I could go to work in the morning. Nope. Wouldn’t do it. Just little things like that.

The school don’t break up until Tuesday. It’s the first time ever he’s been at school on his birthday and he’s really excited about seeing his friends and sharing cake with the class etc so I don’t want to keep him off. I’m just genuinely baffled as to why he wouldn’t just miss a bloody session.

I’ll be honest the first thing I do when it’s time to book annual leave is book the kids birthdays off. If he couldn’t get the time off or it was something that couldn’t be missed id totally understand and just chalk it down to that’s life and crack on but there’s no reason why he can’t miss it.

Passmethemalibu Tue 16-Jul-19 01:43:10

Sorry cross posted with a couple. He really really wants to go to school grin they get to go in non uniform they sing happy birthday and whatnot and wants to share cake with his friends so I’m not going to keep him off. Going to be 7 if that’s relevant.

The poorly thing annoyed me too. Any other day or the week he would have done it not a problem. It’s just literally these gym days that are apparently bloody sacred.

TowelNumber42 Tue 16-Jul-19 02:00:43

Do you have anything sacred? I think you need a hobby 2 nights a week where he gets back at sensible o'clock because you are out

chiccocico Tue 16-Jul-19 02:04:08

I feel so sorry for your son. Kids are very black and white thinkers and he will think that daddy doesn't love him as much as his hobby.
Can you show him this thread to show him what a bellend he is?

IamtheDevilsAvocado Tue 16-Jul-19 02:10:40

He's an absolute bell end. It's hugely damaging long term too.

I'm the child of a parent like this.... His lengthy hobbies took precedence over everything... Birthdays /celebrations/serious illness.... All we heard was... He couldn't :cancel' as he was 'committed'..
His commitment to his family seemed to pass him by.... Bottom line ; whatever he said his actions took a different story

MooseBeTimeForSummer Tue 16-Jul-19 02:15:54

Perhaps you might suggest to him that if you separated his precious sessions would go out the window when he had contact with the children. I think the judge would take a dim view if he refused to do those days.

DeaflySilence Tue 16-Jul-19 02:32:24

"The hobby is just martial arts/ gym training." "He apparently can’t go any later as they’re personal trainer sessions at a certain time."

Is that definitely where he is? (Think it probably is, am sure I have read about similar obsessiveness over this type of training).

Cornball Tue 16-Jul-19 02:47:18

He contributed 50% of your dd. First mistake is asking! "I have to do a morning shift on x day, you'll have to sort DD out in the morning". If not, he can sort childcare because work trumps the gym! Stand firm and tell the selfish prick flowers

TowelNumber42 Tue 16-Jul-19 03:10:01

You can't make someone love a child or yourself. If they don't, they don't. Coercing them to fake it helps nobody.

Durgasarrow Tue 16-Jul-19 03:21:40

You'll be sorry when the bad karate men come to your house and your husband won't be able to defend you because he missed that one session with his trainer--not!

StoppinBy Tue 16-Jul-19 03:33:27

YANBU and he is being a very selfish person.

beclev24 Tue 16-Jul-19 03:42:16

oh my goodness, I honestly would consider divorce over this. That is absolutely awful and a real sign of what kind of a person he is. Your poor DS.

MissBattleaxe Tue 16-Jul-19 03:47:30

Totally unacceptable OP and his attitude is damaging to your DS who will know deep down that he was never important enough for his Dad to engage with. I would seriously consider divorce. His actions tell you all you need to know. He is living without you both already.

Peanutbuttericecream Tue 16-Jul-19 03:55:49

This is a very sad situation. YANBU at all and what’s so sad is that you think you might be! I don’t know how you get your DH to see sense really. Is there any family who can help him wake up and recognise what his priorities should be? Clearly he doesn’t listen to you. 💐

edwinbear Tue 16-Jul-19 04:53:51

Is he training for a world championship or the Olympics OP? If not, he’s a selfish prick and YADNBU.

Saltystraw Tue 16-Jul-19 05:18:17

Is he training for a fight or upcoming event? Can he not train while the kids are at school if he has it off? Does he do a particular class which is only on these days. I used to train and hated missing sessions but I would for my child’s birthday

Weezol Tue 16-Jul-19 05:56:14

I’ve asked this before when I’ve been poorly and asked if he can do the school run then go and have been met with a resounding no it’s has to be at x time!

He won't even vary this if you're ill? Selfish prick.

I bet this is the tip of the iceberg - how do you see the future with this person? Because it looks grim to me.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow Tue 16-Jul-19 06:22:57

A decent parent wouldn't have to be asked.

Teacher22 Tue 16-Jul-19 06:26:44

What is the point in having a day off for his son’s birthday and then missing the bit before school when he can see the child?

Your DP is a selfish man child.

My DH missed much of his DC’s lives but that was because he was working such long hours for them. He never missed their big days and was there in the morning for cards and pressies and so, I would say, would most father’s be.

TwistyTop Tue 16-Jul-19 06:29:15

YANBU. Even if you are the one who usually arranges all the birthday stuff for the kids, a decent parent would have asked what was happening and made an effort to take part.

Your poor DC sad

Palaver1 Tue 16-Jul-19 06:30:03

Sadly seriously this is the sort of thing that builds up and leads to a divorce in the future
You are not being unreasonable
He needs to really think long and hard about what his priorities really are.

FattyPedalsFuriously0hPipNo Tue 16-Jul-19 06:50:12

He is BU

ivykaty44 Tue 16-Jul-19 06:53:20

He basically said we can get up super early so he can open them before he leaves, do the presents without him or wait til after school. Regardless he is not missing the hobby.

This is a very loud admission that family life isn’t in the agenda for this person.

Tbh I’d tell him that his actions will have reactions within his relationships with all his family members if he continues down this dangerous path. Ultimately the family nucleus will be shrunk by one person and that will be him and he needs to think very carefully about how he will feel when he becomes an outsider in his own family.

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