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To have asked partner to miss his hobby?

(242 Posts)
Passmethemalibu Tue 16-Jul-19 00:28:01

Okay I didn’t think I was being unreasonable but I’m starting to think I might have been so I’d be interested to hear other opinions.

Partner does a hobby every Monday and Thursday morning meaning he leaves before the kids get up for school.

It’s sons birthday next week and he wanted to open his presents in the morning before school with us. All good.

I asked partner if he would miss one session so he could be there whilst son opened his presents. He said no he’s not missing it end of.

It’s caused quite a row. Aibu to think that he can miss one session a year for a child’s birthday? I feel like I’m probably just being over sensitive and owe him an apology but it’s really grated on me. Please shake some sense into me blush

IfOnlyOurEyesSawSouls Tue 16-Jul-19 00:30:12

You dont need any sense shaking into you lovely.

You sound like a lovely mother. Your partner is not playing fair thanks

raspberryk Tue 16-Jul-19 00:30:27

Your DH is being a selfish prick.

VodkaRevelation Tue 16-Jul-19 00:31:29

Of course you’re not being unreasonable. Why wouldn’t he want to be there when your son opens his presents? I’d be really cross if my husband prioritised a hobby over important family events.

Iwrotethissongfor Tue 16-Jul-19 00:31:36

YANBU - I’d be pissed off that he didn’t want to be home for presents and that he said it wasn’t up for discussion. It’s just a hobby for free time, what is with some people (men?) that think hobby time is sacrosanct and prioritise it so oddly?

Catinthetwat Tue 16-Jul-19 00:33:17

Wow, doesn't he want to see his son open his presents?

Or was he expecting everyone to wait for him? Either way, yanbu.

Expressedways Tue 16-Jul-19 00:34:19

YANBU. Unless this is a team activity where he’ll be letting others down then I don’t get it in the slightest. Does he not miss the hobby on occasion e.g. if you’re on holiday, if he needs to go into work early? Your poor DS sad

chzarind Tue 16-Jul-19 00:35:07

YANBU. He should want to be there.

blackteasplease Tue 16-Jul-19 00:39:38

You are completely reasonable in everything except not telling us what the hobby is.

ChicCroissant Tue 16-Jul-19 00:39:41


Passmethemalibu Tue 16-Jul-19 00:43:52

Nope not a team activity, not letting anyone down. The hobby takes priority over a lot of things but I didn’t think it would a birthday.

He basically said we can get up super early so he can open them before he leaves, do the presents without him or wait til after school. Regardless he is not missing the hobby.

I feel like I’m being unreasonable really as I already nagged him into booking the day off work. He initially didn’t want to and I had to nag quite a bit to get him to do it. I only did this as he works until 11pm and isn’t home til midnight every night so wouldn’t have seen ds at all which would have upset him. He had loads of annual leave left and no issue with booking the day off at all I just don’t think he could be bothered. I feel like I ‘won’ that so probably shouldn’t have got wound up over this.

I just think it’s once a year and surely it’s not much of a chore to focus on your child for a day. On their bloody birthday. I’m not one to get wound up over birthdays or make a fuss I don’t celebrate my own but the kids are surely different right?

Percypigparade Tue 16-Jul-19 00:44:31

YAnbu. Problem is that even if he agrees now to miss the hobby, you know he didn't want to for himself he's been shamed into it. sad

Iwrotethissongfor Tue 16-Jul-19 00:45:20

I wouldn’t be interested in any argument about being team activity and letting others down. Let down people who do my hobby or my child hmmm no, in those circumstances you just plan ahead and give people notice in advance you won’t be there. It’s not difficult.

Passmethemalibu Tue 16-Jul-19 00:46:38

Sorry grin. The hobby is just martial arts/ gym training. Absolutely nothing exciting or important that it can’t be missed.

dontfluffthefluffer Tue 16-Jul-19 00:48:19

Yanbu. He is being a selfish shit.

McShakey Tue 16-Jul-19 00:49:38

YANBU he’s being extremely selfish

PrincessFiorimonde Tue 16-Jul-19 00:51:55

But if he's taking the day off work, why can't he go to the gym later that morning, while DS is at school?

Iwrotethissongfor Tue 16-Jul-19 00:52:23

OP, sad to see that update, he sounds selfish and disinterested. Get up super early on your bday to accommodate my non essential activity for my own pleasure or else open them without me cos it’s not important to me? There’s a lot you can justify and overlook in a partner but disinterest in your lovely wee son is not one of them. Is this and the self importance a common theme? 😞

Passmethemalibu Tue 16-Jul-19 00:59:49

He apparently can’t go any later as they’re personal trainer sessions at a certain time. I’ve asked this before when I’ve been poorly and asked if he can do the school run then go and have been met with a resounding no it’s has to be at x time!

It’s a reoccurring theme with the hobby. He enjoys it. It’s important to him fine. I’ve never had a problem or stopped him going but it just seems to come before everything and anything.

Glad to see others agree with me. I was about to go apologise!

pallisers Tue 16-Jul-19 01:03:18

but it just seems to come before everything and anything.

It doesn't "seem to" it does come before everything else.

Think about it. He sounds monumentally selfish and self-centered.

WomanLikeMeLM Tue 16-Jul-19 01:15:12

Will it not be the school holidays? Either way your DH is a prick, i would keep your DC off school for the day and go enjoy the day without your selfish other half!

bpirockin Tue 16-Jul-19 01:16:30

YANBU - not at all. He helped to create a life, and that life deserves to be recognized, appreciated and nurtured. That is his task as well as yours, and I hope that he comes to understand that, before your DS realises how selfish his own father is.

He won't miss one session for a birthday that will never happen again, and share a special time with your son? Unless I'm missing something he needs a kick up the arse, and reminding that he is part of a family and his being there would make all the difference.

If he really can't be arsed to be there may I suggest that you make a life size cardboard cut-out and feature it heavily in a bunch of photos so at least your son might find a way to laugh about it.

What sort of man can't be bothered to show his own child that he's glad he was born, and share his special day once a flaming year?!?

Poor boy, I feel sorry for him to not be made to feel like a priority by him, even on his special day :-( It isn't the same, but thank goodness he has a Mum who gives a toss!

BlackCatSleeping Tue 16-Jul-19 01:17:38

You were about to apologize? shock

This isn’t normal, OP.

As you said, he isn’t interested. You can’t force him to care. sad

BoronationStreet Tue 16-Jul-19 01:18:19

Your DH is an appallingly selfish twat. YANBU.

Rachelle11 Tue 16-Jul-19 01:23:27

How old is ds? If you dh booked the day off work why not just keep ds home too and do something special? Will you be off work during the day too?

greenlynx Tue 16-Jul-19 01:26:32

YANBU .Open presents without him.
Actually I’m more concerned that he refused to do the school run when you’re poorly.

Rachelle11 Tue 16-Jul-19 01:32:29

^ This. That would concern me more.

Passmethemalibu Tue 16-Jul-19 01:32:40

I’ve pointed out several times that having a hobby is all fine and dandy I have no issue with it it’s when it comes before everything else that I do. However this is shot down in flames saying it doesn’t I’m wrong etc and he won’t accept that he puts it before other things. Just another minor example I was asked as a one off to do a morning shift at work it was quite important so I asked if he could possibly miss a training session to look after younger dd and drop her off at nursery so I could go to work in the morning. Nope. Wouldn’t do it. Just little things like that.

The school don’t break up until Tuesday. It’s the first time ever he’s been at school on his birthday and he’s really excited about seeing his friends and sharing cake with the class etc so I don’t want to keep him off. I’m just genuinely baffled as to why he wouldn’t just miss a bloody session.

I’ll be honest the first thing I do when it’s time to book annual leave is book the kids birthdays off. If he couldn’t get the time off or it was something that couldn’t be missed id totally understand and just chalk it down to that’s life and crack on but there’s no reason why he can’t miss it.

Passmethemalibu Tue 16-Jul-19 01:43:10

Sorry cross posted with a couple. He really really wants to go to school grin they get to go in non uniform they sing happy birthday and whatnot and wants to share cake with his friends so I’m not going to keep him off. Going to be 7 if that’s relevant.

The poorly thing annoyed me too. Any other day or the week he would have done it not a problem. It’s just literally these gym days that are apparently bloody sacred.

TowelNumber42 Tue 16-Jul-19 02:00:43

Do you have anything sacred? I think you need a hobby 2 nights a week where he gets back at sensible o'clock because you are out

chiccocico Tue 16-Jul-19 02:04:08

I feel so sorry for your son. Kids are very black and white thinkers and he will think that daddy doesn't love him as much as his hobby.
Can you show him this thread to show him what a bellend he is?

IamtheDevilsAvocado Tue 16-Jul-19 02:10:40

He's an absolute bell end. It's hugely damaging long term too.

I'm the child of a parent like this.... His lengthy hobbies took precedence over everything... Birthdays /celebrations/serious illness.... All we heard was... He couldn't :cancel' as he was 'committed'..
His commitment to his family seemed to pass him by.... Bottom line ; whatever he said his actions took a different story

MooseBeTimeForSummer Tue 16-Jul-19 02:15:54

Perhaps you might suggest to him that if you separated his precious sessions would go out the window when he had contact with the children. I think the judge would take a dim view if he refused to do those days.

DeaflySilence Tue 16-Jul-19 02:32:24

"The hobby is just martial arts/ gym training." "He apparently can’t go any later as they’re personal trainer sessions at a certain time."

Is that definitely where he is? (Think it probably is, am sure I have read about similar obsessiveness over this type of training).

Cornball Tue 16-Jul-19 02:47:18

He contributed 50% of your dd. First mistake is asking! "I have to do a morning shift on x day, you'll have to sort DD out in the morning". If not, he can sort childcare because work trumps the gym! Stand firm and tell the selfish prick flowers

TowelNumber42 Tue 16-Jul-19 03:10:01

You can't make someone love a child or yourself. If they don't, they don't. Coercing them to fake it helps nobody.

Durgasarrow Tue 16-Jul-19 03:21:40

You'll be sorry when the bad karate men come to your house and your husband won't be able to defend you because he missed that one session with his trainer--not!

StoppinBy Tue 16-Jul-19 03:33:27

YANBU and he is being a very selfish person.

beclev24 Tue 16-Jul-19 03:42:16

oh my goodness, I honestly would consider divorce over this. That is absolutely awful and a real sign of what kind of a person he is. Your poor DS.

MissBattleaxe Tue 16-Jul-19 03:47:30

Totally unacceptable OP and his attitude is damaging to your DS who will know deep down that he was never important enough for his Dad to engage with. I would seriously consider divorce. His actions tell you all you need to know. He is living without you both already.

Peanutbuttericecream Tue 16-Jul-19 03:55:49

This is a very sad situation. YANBU at all and what’s so sad is that you think you might be! I don’t know how you get your DH to see sense really. Is there any family who can help him wake up and recognise what his priorities should be? Clearly he doesn’t listen to you. 💐

edwinbear Tue 16-Jul-19 04:53:51

Is he training for a world championship or the Olympics OP? If not, he’s a selfish prick and YADNBU.

Saltystraw Tue 16-Jul-19 05:18:17

Is he training for a fight or upcoming event? Can he not train while the kids are at school if he has it off? Does he do a particular class which is only on these days. I used to train and hated missing sessions but I would for my child’s birthday

Weezol Tue 16-Jul-19 05:56:14

I’ve asked this before when I’ve been poorly and asked if he can do the school run then go and have been met with a resounding no it’s has to be at x time!

He won't even vary this if you're ill? Selfish prick.

I bet this is the tip of the iceberg - how do you see the future with this person? Because it looks grim to me.

OhWhatFuckeryIsThisNow Tue 16-Jul-19 06:22:57

A decent parent wouldn't have to be asked.

Teacher22 Tue 16-Jul-19 06:26:44

What is the point in having a day off for his son’s birthday and then missing the bit before school when he can see the child?

Your DP is a selfish man child.

My DH missed much of his DC’s lives but that was because he was working such long hours for them. He never missed their big days and was there in the morning for cards and pressies and so, I would say, would most father’s be.

TwistyTop Tue 16-Jul-19 06:29:15

YANBU. Even if you are the one who usually arranges all the birthday stuff for the kids, a decent parent would have asked what was happening and made an effort to take part.

Your poor DC sad

Palaver1 Tue 16-Jul-19 06:30:03

Sadly seriously this is the sort of thing that builds up and leads to a divorce in the future
You are not being unreasonable
He needs to really think long and hard about what his priorities really are.

FattyPedalsFuriously0hPipNo Tue 16-Jul-19 06:50:12

He is BU

ivykaty44 Tue 16-Jul-19 06:53:20

He basically said we can get up super early so he can open them before he leaves, do the presents without him or wait til after school. Regardless he is not missing the hobby.

This is a very loud admission that family life isn’t in the agenda for this person.

Tbh I’d tell him that his actions will have reactions within his relationships with all his family members if he continues down this dangerous path. Ultimately the family nucleus will be shrunk by one person and that will be him and he needs to think very carefully about how he will feel when he becomes an outsider in his own family.

TheStuffedPenguin Tue 16-Jul-19 06:54:19

I feel so sorry for your son. Kids are very black and white thinkers and he will think that daddy doesn't love him as much as his hobby.

Honestly some of what is said on here say to your child Daddy has his gym stuff that he goes to in the morning and can't miss so we will as a family open presents and cards all together tonight. Son is going to have this massive thing at school meanwhile. OP it's only twice a week and being a gym person I understand the reasons behind not wishing to miss a session.

Some of you Mums on MN are real ballbusters and as for palaver comment about leading to divorce - yes and it works two ways . No wonder we read about so much cheating on Relationships.

BoomBoomsCousin Tue 16-Jul-19 06:55:59

If it's a personal trainer session, does he lose money if he misses it?

If so I can see why that might make him reluctant to miss, but some of the scenarios you describe, especially this one, should easily trump the cost of the session (and if they don't the session costs far too much).

LannieDuck Tue 16-Jul-19 06:57:40

I would stand my ground on the illness days rather than this. Your DS can open his presents and your DH will miss it. Will DS really care?

But the days you're ill are a big problem. The order of importance should go health -> work -> family time -> hobby (maybe with family time before work...). Working that extra morning shift should absolutely have come before his hobby, and lying in bed ill should definitely come first.

Maybe you should make him get up to do a school run next time he's ill? Selfish git.

PS I do martial arts. Of course he can miss a session.

SparklesandFlowers Tue 16-Jul-19 06:57:52

Have him be the one to tell your son he won't be there to see him open his presents. Don't make excuses for him and don't let him get away without seeing his son's face when he says that he's got to train rather than see him open his presents.

What a knob.

My dad was away for my tenth birthday, unavoidably, and I've never let him forget it, in a jokey way. If it had been his choice not to be there I'd have been heartbroken.

cakecakecheese Tue 16-Jul-19 06:58:15

I'd be very concerned about where you and the children are in his list of priorities, not to mention how selfish he's being, I mean the birthday is bad enough, but refusing to budge when you were ill is really not on.

be47 Tue 16-Jul-19 07:02:34

If it's a personal trainer type thing you normally have to pay if you cancel at short notice - he's clearly being a dick for not cancelling earlier, but might cost you to do it now

Peanutbuttericecream Tue 16-Jul-19 07:07:39

Honestly some of what is said on here say to your child Daddy has his gym stuff that he goes to in the morning and can't miss so we will as a family open presents and cards all together tonight. Son is going to have this massive thing at school meanwhile. OP it's only twice a week and being a gym person I understand the reasons behind not wishing to miss a session.

Some of you Mums on MN are real ballbusters and as for palaver comment about leading to divorce - yes and it works two ways . No wonder we read about so much cheating on Relationships

Utter bollocks!

poopypants Tue 16-Jul-19 07:09:30

OP, if he won't miss it when you are ill, then he has shown you very clearly where his priorities lie. If not when you are Ill, what would he consider more important than his hobby? What if you were in hospital? What if you (god forbid) died? Seriously? Ask him. What did he do when you were pregnant and when you just gave birth?

isitwhatitis Tue 16-Jul-19 07:11:52

He is an unreasonable idiot who needs to get his priorities right. What is this hobby?

Rosielily Tue 16-Jul-19 07:12:26

@poopypants I suspect he made he book in for an elective C Section so he wouldn't have to miss his hobby.....

herculepoirot2 Tue 16-Jul-19 07:16:51

What a wad.

Chloemol Tue 16-Jul-19 07:18:59

@TheStuffedPenguin didn’t you read all the post? He won’t be home until 11pm, do you really think a 7 year old should wait until then to open presents! If gym is that important why didn’t he change the date and time if his session this once?

The poor child is 7 one missed session shouldn’t hurt daddy. He should sometimes put his family first

SouthernComforts Tue 16-Jul-19 07:24:59

He doesn't sound like he cares about you or the kids at all. He's a dick.

SignedUpJust4This Tue 16-Jul-19 07:26:16

And he wouldn't even see him in the evening? What an absolute selfish bellend. I'd be telling him that he's a shitty shitty dad for not making a fuss of his son on his birthday.

avocadochocolate Tue 16-Jul-19 07:32:34

YANBU. I didn't hesitate to miss by normal gym class which I never ever miss for my DC's birthday. I kind of know how your DH feels - he probably thinks it's vital to keep up the momentum. However he can obviously afford to miss a training session now and again. It is easy to lose perspective when you are committed to your training.

thethoughtfox Tue 16-Jul-19 07:33:28

It doesn't seem to come before everything Every day your partner makes a choice to put his wants and desires above the needs and happiness of his family.

Bottledate Tue 16-Jul-19 07:37:07

YANBU. Iwas really trying to think of a hobby that miiiiiight justify missing your child's birthday morning, but no. Finding out that it is going to the gym?? FFS.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster Tue 16-Jul-19 07:53:47

Your husband is a selfish prick.

Cannot imagine my husband putting his hobby before a child or a sick adult in need of help (as he has done).

I'd be having serious words.

Fairenuff Tue 16-Jul-19 08:01:42

He's checked out of the family OP. You are just the person who takes care of his children for him. The childminder. Sorry but this is not a partnership.

Rm2018 Tue 16-Jul-19 08:04:16

What a dick

CitadelsofScience Tue 16-Jul-19 08:11:48

I can't stand the bike and gym wanker brigade other hobbies are available who think their needs trump everyone else's.

I'd be furious if mine couldn't put his wife and child's needs before his on occasion, fortunately mine does put us first when needed.

Armadillostoes Tue 16-Jul-19 08:13:02

He is a failure as a father and a life partner. He needs to he told how pathetic and selfish he is. Also, with some martial arts, his total lack of respect for others would be an insult to its whole ethos.

dootball Tue 16-Jul-19 08:13:53

All these people saying it's just 1 session , but it's not it is.

I think he realises that once he starts to give in there will be more and more reasons why he has to miss sessions, so he's holding out so as not to start this.

It seems like by going early in the morning he is minimising the impact the vast majority of the time anyway.

(Not that I agree with him missing present opening)

Soubriquet Tue 16-Jul-19 08:14:03

Sorry but I would be giving him an ultimatum now

Start prioritising family over hobby or leave.

Birthdays, sick days, work sessions for you should always come before his hobby

HopeIsNotAStrategy Tue 16-Jul-19 08:19:04

Sorry OP, but he sounds more awful with every update. 🙁

BookwormMe2 Tue 16-Jul-19 08:22:49

What a sad post, your poor little boy. Did he hear you rowing and his dad saying he wasn't going to change his plans?

I couldn't be with someone who so selfishly regarded his children and me. He doesn't care about your happiness and sounds like he never will.

nettie434 Tue 16-Jul-19 08:23:50

Unless your husband is an athlete hotly tipped for gold in the Olympics, I think he is being really unreasonable to go for his training instead of being there while your son opens his presents.

I also think it will be really nice for your son to be sung happy birthday and have cake at school.

The problem is I have no idea about what to say to someone who thinks that his training session is more important than the pleasure of seeing his son open his presents, especially as the option of doing it after school is not there as your husband gets back home so late. Well I do know what to say but it is not polite.

ConfCall Tue 16-Jul-19 08:29:34

He’s got away with this nonsense for far too long OP. You seem to be pussyfooting around him. It’s good that you seem to have reached a point where you’re thinking, “enough is enough” but there’s no point venting on here, getting 99% agreement that he’s a bellend...and then doing absolutely nothing about it.

Passmethemalibu Tue 16-Jul-19 08:30:22

Thank you all, definitely some food for thought. I’ll try answer everything I can.

No special olympics though you’d think so the way he goes on sometimes grin. He does train for fights yes but the upcoming one is in December so I’d hope missing three hours in July shouldn’t make too much of a difference. There would be no cost involved to miss the session smile

I would tell him daddy has a gym session he can’t miss if it was true, but he can miss it and both ds and I know this. I will have a chat with ds and give him the option to see if he wants to wait or open them without him. I know its only twice a week which is exactly why I thought he’d be okay skipping a session, he does it plenty enough.

He didn’t do the hobby whilst I was pregnant. He took it up literally as dd was born and I was on mat leave. I’ll be honest I think this is where the issue stems from as without wanting to provide massive boring backstory that’s probably irrelevant it caused a lot of tension as I suffered terrible PND after her birth (I had a second child literally for him) and then I was left on my own for most of the time as he took on a new hobby so yes at the beginning I wasn’t hugely happy with it.

He took it very personally saying I was trying to stop him going out I was unsupportive etc (it wasn’t the case) but it was a really rough time for me. Anyway roll on to now and I have no problem with him going or the amount of time he spends there. It’s hugely important to him and that’s fine. I make sacrifices I’m order for him to do said hobby. I have none of my own and I don’t really go anywhere or do anything myself.

He has said no to missing sessions if I’m ill but he did add on that if I was dying in hospital then he would but anything else is a no. So I guess that’s a start hmm.

Thanks for your input everyone, and I’m definitely not going to apologise though!

greenlynx Tue 16-Jul-19 08:36:41

I think when you have a family, especially with children, you can’t just do what you want, you need consider other people. Also a lot of things are happening at a very short notice so flexibility is must. Of course, you have needs as well but you can’t be dead rigid about them. Even work commitments sometimes need to be rearrange.
I personally don’t like that your DH never even considers rearranging his hobby. Surely when you are unwell or you need it for work loving partner would offer this to you himself without you asking much.

I actually think he could miss opening presents. He paid for sessions and his coach could be really strict about it, etc. But I would expect him to tell you his reasons in a nice way, maybe suggesting that next year he would make sure that he’ll be free on birthday days. But he can’t miss seeing his child at all on his birthday.

Whoopstheregomyinsides Tue 16-Jul-19 08:40:38

Oh my goodness. What a horrid man. Nobody deserves this. I’d be issuing the ultimatum now. Or at the very least asking why he thinks it’s ok to put gym before you guys. How would he feel if he were ill and you refused to help. I’m boiling with anger for you

greenlynx Tue 16-Jul-19 08:41:15

Sorry, just saw your update. In thee circumstances he should miss the session.
I’m really cross on your behalf. In my experience in this circumstances people stop hobbies rather than take up a new one!
Hope your DS will have a nice birthday!

Orchidflower1 Tue 16-Jul-19 08:43:01

Sorry op but your oh is a selfish, manipulative, mean twonk!

He is controlling and nasty. Who puts sport before their child?

urbanlife Tue 16-Jul-19 08:45:54

You shouldn't have to ASK him to be there for his son, he should have cancelled and should want to be there to celebrate his child's birthday.

What an utterly selfish self centred man child.

Show him the thread op. No way would my dh even consider this.

Everydayimhuffling Tue 16-Jul-19 08:46:30

I really hope you aren't going to do the emotional labour of telling your DS and getting him to choose a different option! Your DH should at least do that.

My DP didn't even ask before missing his hobby the evening of my birthday, never mind DC's, so it seems ridiculous that your DH won't. Not missing it when you were ill is shocking. I bet he misses it for his own illnesses and holidays, just not anything for anyone else.

BlindAssassin1 Tue 16-Jul-19 08:48:43

I'm also a martial arts widow and a lot of what you've said is exactly the same; no give and take if I've been ill, or PND support, no work support.

Its built deep resentment. I strictly and firmly give no sway to when he's ill either for example. Abso-fucking-lutly not. I expect him to pull his weight, I don't care if he's streaming with a cold. He's entirely brought it on himself privileging his hobby over everything else.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude Tue 16-Jul-19 08:52:47

He is selfish. He has pushed you into the default parent role so he can choose when he engages with the family. They fact that he wouldn’t support you when you were ill says it all.

QuarterMileAtATime Tue 16-Jul-19 08:53:34

Your husband is a dick. So many fathers happy to be in a supporting role, and be crap at it.

Myriade Tue 16-Jul-19 08:53:58

He has no respect for you or your child.

No respect for your feeling, you as a person or for the work you do (see the not so minor ‘I’m refusing to stay at home so you can go to an I portant meeting at work’.

Can I ask? Do you still support him in his hobbies, work related stuff etc...? If he wants or needs to do something (bar the early morning gym), do you support him, cha going your plans around him? I bet you do. And I’m wondering how he would react if you didn’t. I bet he would be furious, expecting you to make efforts he can’t be bothered to do.

Have a look at your relationship as a whole. I suspect the lack of respect has been sleeping through a lot of other areas.

NeverSayFreelance Tue 16-Jul-19 09:01:13

@TheStuffedPenguin yeah, the kid would probably understand. He's 7. But OP knows better. That's why everyone is calling him a prick. Because this is prickish behaviour. Especially when you factor in his horrible attitude re OP having an early shift/being ill/etc.

He's a selfish twat. End of.

SummerInTheVillage Tue 16-Jul-19 09:03:09

He's a prick, OP, and he won't change.

I couldn't live with that for the rest of my life.

MarthasGinYard Tue 16-Jul-19 09:05:12

'He basically said we can get up super early so he can open them before he leaves, do the presents without him or wait til after school. Regardless he is not missing the hobby. '


I think either of those is acceptable

Ironmanrocks Tue 16-Jul-19 09:09:56

He might need reminding that he is missing out on parts of his child's life and now his child will start to remember that he is not around. My DP hadn't even thought of it like that. He now makes much more effort and often asks if I need his help before arranging stuff. It has also helped that since turning 7, my child is more fun to my DP if you see what I mean? They actually do stuff together now and they dont always need me! wink

bluebluezoo Tue 16-Jul-19 09:10:17

What happens on his birthday?

I’d be arranging to take the kids out for the day. Then insist there’s no way you can miss it, and if he wants his presents he can open them on his own or wait til you get home.

Willing to bet he’s one of those that will throw a massive tantrum if there’s no fuss on his birthday though....

ReanimatedSGB Tue 16-Jul-19 09:10:56

I think you need to give serious consideration to ending the relationship and putting him out of the house. He's abusive by way of being selfish and manipulative at the moment - why the fuck should you 'make sacrifices for this prick? He's supposed to be your partner and fellow parent, he is not your employer or your owner.
But the other problem with gym wankers is they often start taking steroids, which increases the risk of them becoming physically aggressive to their partners as their self-obsession grows.

Juells Tue 16-Jul-19 09:14:55

Blimey! It wouldn't occur to me that someone should miss something - anything - to sit around watching a child open birthday presents. What's to watch? No wonder children grow up thinking the world revolves around them. IIRC my children's presents would be put in their bedroom before they woke up, and they'd open them themselves. It's not a ceremony... The Opening Of The Presents confused

Somersetlady Tue 16-Jul-19 09:19:12

Can he not just book a personal training session as a one off later in the day if he has it off work and DS is at school?

He sounds like a nightmare to live with you have my deepest sympathies but you are the only person who can change this situation OP. So change it.

Somersetlady Tue 16-Jul-19 09:20:25

@Juells i think the issue is not just this scenario but that the DH won’t help the OP when she is sick or has to work.

GabriellaMontez Tue 16-Jul-19 09:20:31

It's really hard when you realise someone just doesn't care.

BlindAssassin1 Tue 16-Jul-19 09:20:46

Juells but if its part of their family birthday ritual the dad's absence in this instance will be very much noticed.

I don't think its part of some entitled child behaviour or expectation. And its a pretty harmless and sweet thing to do with your DC. We all end up missing loads out with children because of work (or hobbies!) and I know people in their 60s now who are very regretful because of it.

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