To think he wants more?

[sparklydust]

Apologies for the long post and massive thanks if you do indeed read...

I don't want this to be outing so I'll keep it as brief as possible. A guy at my work has been playing 'eye catch' with me for months. I catch him looking all the time out the corner of my eye. When I look back he makes out he isn't looking (seems silly I know!). Anyway, we got closer and closer as 'good friends'. He's recently separated out of a long term relationship (before this all began I should add). We spent more and more time together and slowly, I fell for him (and if I'm being honest, I feel he did with me too).

Other colleagues starting picking up on it and at least 4 said how we'd be 'good together' and are 'perfect for one another' as well as mentions of 'he doesn't look at anyone else the way he looks at you' and 'it's a look that isn't just for a friend'. I overheard him talking a few times and could have sworn his male friends were teasing him over me. We've had meals out together and he's always quick to tell me I'm attractive, smart and intelligent. Weirdly, and I don't know if this is relevant, but he always sits opposite me - never next to me. A colleague said this is so I'm always in his line of sight? But then I did think maybe that was a little conspiracy style thinking

Anyway, one particular night (about 3 months since this all began) we ended up at his and he admitted there was 'chemistry' between us. However, this guy is a gentlemen, always has been and although we admitted the chemistry, he admitted he wasn't ready for another relationship just yet and said he didn't just want sex as I'm worth more than that.

Moving on, this guy has done so much for me and we've spent more and more time together. The flirtation is a constant now. The way he smiles at me just gives me shivers (I realise I sound like a teenager right now!). He constantly gives me hints he's into me. We have amazing chemistry.

But to the problem. The other day I questioned if he liked a colleague, stupidly hoping he would open up about how he truly felt but he went on to say how he has 'intense' feelings for her but it could never work because of our professions and circumstances. I couldn't help get the feeling that he wasn't actually talking about this colleague but instead about us. Even so, it felt like a kick to the stomach. An hour or so later he was making these cute smiles at me and it was just so tough to work out. And to be honest, I'm now worried I've got it all wrong! And so has my fellow colleagues.

He's in a really shitty place right now and I get that, but at the same time the signals are there. What should I do?! I don't think he's intentionally messing me around as I've known this guy a few years now and he's not like that - I think he's confused - especially just being out of a long term relationship. He's also admitted he doesn't know how to tell if a woman is into him which could explain some things. We've been almost 'courting' for months now and I just need to know but if I've got it all wrong - I don't want to risk our friendship. I'd rather him be in my life as a friend than nothing at all.

As a grown woman it's absolutely ridiculous but I can't eat properly, can't sleep... he's all I can bloody think about. I don't think I've ever loved someone so much nor felt like this before so... AIBU to think, with all the signs, this guy wants the same as I do/feels the same? Or am I completely of the ball?

[Piratelostatsea]

When did his last relationship end?

[confusedlovebug]

Pirate - beginning of this year....

[Lifeisabeach09]

I don't think you can have a friendship with this man feeling as you do about him.
Hate to give the wrong advice but, in your position, I'd give him space and time to figure out his feelings. However, this does not mean you wait for him. Date others. Flirt and have fun with other men. If he sees you disengaging, he might figure things out sooner.

[overnightangel]

Sorry but I’ve been in this position and left it too long without saying something. Found out I hadn’t misread the signs but it was too late.
You’ll regret not saying anything much more than you’ll regret saying something, believe me

[SpotlessMind]

He said he needs space so I guess he needs space, don’t think that’s unreasonable so soon after the end of a LTR. I would just get on with my life if I were you, you can’t hurry love as The Supremes would remind us - enjoy your ‘courting, not courting’ and maybe it will eventually turn into something more, but don’t put off other relationships

[Purpletigers]

Get drunk together and shag him ! You’ll soon know if it’s mean to be . If his last relationship ended it doesn’t really matter how recently if you’re meant to be together .

[confusedlovebug]

Thanks all.

Lifeisabeach & spotless - I've tried that believe me but no one lives up!

Overnight - I guess that's what's holding me back - rejection

Purple - trust me I would but he's to much of a gentleman to do that 😂🙈

[FlamedToACrisp]

The mention of intense feelings for another workmate suggests he is just enjoying his freedom and he has already said he's not ready for a relationship and doesn't want just sex. He may give you frissons to make your working day more exciting but tbh he sounds like a waste of your emotions. I would get on with your work and be pleasant but a little more detached. Be slightly less available and see if he comes chasing.

[Ponoka7]

"" I don't think he's intentionally messing me around as I've known this guy a few years now and he's not like that""

Have you ever known him as a Single fella? I would say that he knows how you feel and is enjoying the flirting and the company, but doesn't mind keeping you dangling.

If he really wanted you, he'd make it work. Rarely are men refusing sex because" they are a gentleman".

When you say he's done so much for you, what do you mean?

[confusedlovebug]

Ponoka - they do when it comes to their faith...

[hadthesnip2]

Forget about him & move on. If he was that interested in you he would have made a move by now. Life's too short to spend weeks & weeks agonising over him.

That or ask him out yourself. You can do that you know.

[HennyPennyHorror]

Have you name changed OP?

[confusedlovebug]

Hadthesnip - not necessarily, it's a complicated situation plus I don't think either of us expected this to happen, especially so soon after his BU.

[balonzz]

I think that if someone really wants to be with someone else, then they do everything they can to make that happen. I think you have to face the facts that if he wanted to be with you, he would have done everything to make that happen.
If you 'pin him down' to an answer, at least you'll know where you stand.

[Piffle11]

I think his last LTR ended long enough ago for him to not to be able to use that as an excuse for not getting involved (presuming there wasn't anything particularly horrible going on in the relationship). I can't see this ending the way you hope: I don't think he's particularly interested. Are there religious reasons why he wouldn't get physically involved? It doesn't sound as though you've kissed, which I would think would have happened by now if he was attracted to you like you hope he is. He likes your company, you get on, he likes to flirt with you … I just think that he would have said or done something concrete if he was genuinely thinking about starting a relationship with you. There is absolutely nothing standing in his way, and yet he is refusing to take that final step. He's in 'a shitty place' and 'it's a complicated situation' … I think you're trying to find excuses. There was all sorts of crap going on in my life when I met now DH, but I knew I liked him and made sure he knew. I think you need to either ask him direct or let this one slide.

[Piffle11]

Oh and this thing about you asking if he liked a colleague: if he was talking about the two of you, then he was trying to let you know that it's not going to happen.

[StreetwiseHercules]

“Purple - trust me I would but he's to much of a gentleman to do that”

Nope. Nobody is. And it’s not “ungentlemanly” to shag a woman you fancy.

[EyesOpenWide]

You’re single. He’s single.

Honestly, if he was that into you, you’d know for sure.

He’s admitted he has intense feelings for a colleague - and you’re trying to convince yourself he actually meant you.

Stop wasting your time.

[KingMidasAteMidges]

I would so seduce him and worry about it later!

[confusedlovebug]

King - 😝

[confusedlovebug]

Thanks for all the responses. I do get what a lot of you are saying but it's not as clear cut as that - honestly. The professions we are in are rather complicated and it makes it extremely difficult - we could even get in trouble if we went about it the wrong way. Also, he's already told me how he feels about me so I'm not 'imagining' it...

[Pinktinker]

Ever heard the saying ‘don’t shit where you eat’? It applies here. Sleeping with colleagues is ALWAYS a mistake.

[Pinktinker]

Ever heard the saying ‘don’t shit where you eat’? It applies here. Sleeping with colleagues is ALWAYS a mistake.

[MandalaYogaTapestry]

OP, the problem is, your man may well have feelings. They always do. But it's only feelings which he chooses to act on, matter. Don't read into the feelings confession. It does not mean anything, except pain for you, unless he chooses to support it with action.

[RockyRolly]

Hes a cock tease role reversed. Stop fawning over him hes loving it and using you. Or this post is just a beginning of a book 🤷‍♀️