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Aibu to not listen to my husband or should I start doing it?

(39 Posts)
rantingforthisthread Fri 12-Jul-19 21:33:21

My husband has an annoying habit of telling me what to do. I don't think he intentionally means it but it gets on my nerves. For example I've picked up a few shifts at work and he tells me have I thought about the implications it will have on our finances and that I should have listened to him hmm I've also started doing some laundry from home for a lovely couple which I enjoy and getting a bit of money put aside for doing it, and he just said that I need to tell them that i don't want to do it anymore because they'll cause a problem for us. I said no sorry I will not tell them, because I want to do it! If I clean and organise things, he complains. If I make plans that is not going to affect us but actually benefit us as a family, he isn't happy because I didn't consult him. The problem is with me I never ask him because his answer is either a no or he will go into a massive strop. He hates not getting his own way and I do worry one day he might actually tear me apart. I love him, I really do but I am the sort of person who is very stubborn and I don't listen. I like doing things my own way and if anyone interfere or changes it, I start getting anxious and really unsettled sad

Nofilter101 Fri 12-Jul-19 21:35:01

That annoying habit sounds controlling. LTB

RainbowMum11 Fri 12-Jul-19 21:35:50

I guess it depends what the impact (if any) is on him & your family? Do you have kids? How old are they?
On the face of it, it could be controlling but it really depends.

Teacakeandalatte Fri 12-Jul-19 21:38:45

What do you mean when you say he might tear you apart?

rantingforthisthread Fri 12-Jul-19 21:40:07

I mean he might just lash out. we've been married 12 years and he's never laid a finger on me but it just a what if

rantingforthisthread Fri 12-Jul-19 21:40:33

Yes we have one child who is almost 4

PickAChew Fri 12-Jul-19 21:43:01

He sounds, at best, a pain in the arse.

Youwantshoesinashoeshop Fri 12-Jul-19 21:43:47

Some people are like this because they are knobs. There is no more profound explanation.He thinks he is the Big I Am and is probably jealous that he hasn't though of those things, so has to put you down.

You are not stubborn. You're normal and independent. Keep it that way.

rantingforthisthread Fri 12-Jul-19 21:46:35

I've told him several times to leave me alone and let me do what I am doing without pestering me. If I do washing up , he tells me to leave it because I waste water and washing up liquid. If I go in the utility room to do ironing and laundry, he tells me to leave it because it's not the biggest priority. If I start hoovering, he tells me what needs hoovering. my head just tells me to say FUCK THE FUCK OFF shock

underthebridgedowntown Fri 12-Jul-19 21:48:12

Are you actually stubborn and don't listen, or is that what he's told you?

Maybe you need to talk things through more, but that doesn't mean you don't still do the things you want to. He may just need to feel more included. That's the best case scenario, but tbh it sounds more like he's a childish bully.

Youwantshoesinashoeshop Fri 12-Jul-19 21:48:57

Knob. Gavel.

JoanMavisIcecreamGirl Fri 12-Jul-19 21:49:21

He is controlling you. Leave him.

gamerchick Fri 12-Jul-19 21:49:52

my head just tells me to say FUCK THE FUCK OFF

I think I'd be saying that out loud tbh.

underthebridgedowntown Fri 12-Jul-19 21:49:54

Oh cross post. He's a fucking pain in the arse.

rantingforthisthread Fri 12-Jul-19 21:50:48

I would say I am stubborn and don't listen and I always make my own decisions @underthebridgedowntown but I am willing to listen and come to a solution but with him it's his way or no way and it doesn't work for me because that means I will not get to do what makes me happy. I have no problem with anything he does. I am very laid back and just let him do whatever he wants in general.

Youwantshoesinashoeshop Fri 12-Jul-19 21:51:25

My ex used to try and tell me how to load the dishwasher/ do the washing/ drive. I sat him down and told him that I had lived on 4 different continents, alone. He probably thought I was a PITA. reader, i ledt him.

Teacakeandalatte Fri 12-Jul-19 21:51:26

If you are scared he might lash out there must be a reason for that probably the massive strops he sometimes throws when you disagree make you doubt his good character.

Youwantshoesinashoeshop Fri 12-Jul-19 21:51:46

Left. left!

Chloemol Fri 12-Jul-19 21:51:58

To be honest if anyone told me I wasn’t doing the washing up/ ironing/ hoovering etc right I would just tell him to do it himself and walk away and not do it. Ever

Youwantshoesinashoeshop Fri 12-Jul-19 21:53:03

Nothing you have said indicates you are particularly stubborn. How have you come to that conclusion about yourself??

Merryoldgoat Fri 12-Jul-19 21:56:16

What does he mean ‘impact finances’ and the laundry causing trouble for you?

He sounds like an utter pain in the arse.

SuzieQQQ Fri 12-Jul-19 21:56:58

He sounds like a massive pain in the arse and not likely to change. Sit him down, tell him he can talk to you but if it’s to tell you what to do, then don’t say it. If he continues, go to counselling. If that doesn’t work then leave. You realise his child is going to loathe this and there will be massive blowups in the future right?

DontDribbleOnTheCarpet Fri 12-Jul-19 21:58:09

Does he do washing up, ironing or hoovering himself, or is he strictly supervisory management? (Either way, I don't know how you tolerate that. Once, my husband leaned over and operated one of the controls on my car when I was driving and I nearly committed several acts of hideous violence on him! Your patience is impressive).

Butchyrestingface Fri 12-Jul-19 22:02:40

I've also started doing some laundry from home for a lovely couple which I enjoy and getting a bit of money put aside for doing it, and he just said that I need to tell them that i don't want to do it anymore because they'll cause a problem for us.

I don’t understand. How can “they” cause a problem for you? Is this a cash in hand job? Is he worried about undeclared income?

He sounds like a controlling cunt in other respects, mind. How would he react if you dealphabeticised the CD collection?

Thistles24 Fri 12-Jul-19 22:04:03

It doesn’t sound like a happy life OP. Does he have a point over an

Thistles24 Fri 12-Jul-19 22:06:05

Sorry, posted too soon. Does he have a point over any of the work situations? Does it affect your tax/ childcare? Are you short of money for the family, or is this just for your personal account? I’d hide some of it away, so should you decide to go you’ll have enough to get you started.

thetimekeeper Fri 12-Jul-19 22:07:43

Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

CorBlimeyGovenor Fri 12-Jul-19 22:07:49

Next time he gives you instructions re the washing up or hoovering, just say how wonderful/thoughtful he is to offer, then merrily flounce off for the day (having first written him a list!). I'm not sure if he's necessarily controlling or just trying to get a greater slice of control to satisfy his own ego. He does sound like a right royal pain in the arse tbh.

CorBlimeyGovenor Fri 12-Jul-19 22:11:23

Just a thought, but is he lacking control in other areas of his life (i.e. work?). Perhaps if he is anxious/under stress, he wants to be able to control aspects of his life to compensate? Perhaps he has underlying anxieties?

MuseThalia Fri 12-Jul-19 22:13:27

He sounds like my stepdad, my advice would be to leave him because he won't get any better. My stepdad had a massive drunken rant at my mum last night because she took their neighbour's dog for a walk. I don't know how my mum puts up with it.

bordellosboheme Fri 12-Jul-19 22:18:43

He sounds hyper controlling. I've lived with someone like that. It will slowly erode your identity....

AcrossthePond55 Fri 12-Jul-19 22:21:19

Well, let's see...I'm stubborn, pigheaded in fact. I always make my own decisions about things that affect just me. If it affects both of us I tell him what I want to do and see if it conflicts with his plans. If it does, we talk it out. So, sounds as if you and I are a bit similar.

The difference is that my DH respects my right to make my own decisions, and he respects the decisions I make. He doesn't criticize the way I do things, but he will suggest if he thinks he has an easier way. But if I like my way better, he's fine with that, too. In other words, my DH isn't a knob. Yours is.

It sounds to me as if your DH wants to control you. He's doing it in two ways: he's trying to make you 'obey' him and he's trying to undermine your confidence in yourself. Ask yourself, is his strategy working? And ask yourself whether or not you want to live the next 30, 40, or even 50 years the way you're living now.

He won't change.

ReanimatedSGB Fri 12-Jul-19 22:23:06

With things like washing up and laundry, when he starts in try saying 'OK, you do it then' and walk away. Don't engage further and say it in a cheerful, reasonable tone; go and sit down with a book or something. If his response is a big tantrum, then start working out how to end the marriage, because it means he is controlling and slowly escalating towards abuse, which might become physical.

HollowTalk Fri 12-Jul-19 22:31:53

Well, you might be just stubborn, or you might be a functioning adult who wants to make your own decisions and take your own actions.

I think if you believe he might hit you, you should leave him.

Maitairiki Fri 12-Jul-19 22:34:52

God what a tosser!

recklessgran Fri 12-Jul-19 22:47:46

Jesus, he is a control freak and I think this is emotional abuse OP.
I'd be thinking very hard about your life with him.
Is he ever lovely?

bordellosboheme Fri 12-Jul-19 22:53:08

I used to hate it when exdp interfered in my domain. He'd tell me how to load the dishwasher and where to put my shoes. He would tell me how he wanted the forks and knives stored in the drawer (I'd put them in the divider and he would tip them all out). He would tip stuff on my bed and expect me to sort it out. He would repeatedly tip put the kids toys and complain they were not sorted out (in reality he was mixing them up with his constant tipping them out). If I moved a sofa by a few inches he would notice. It was single white female level nuts.

tomatostottie Fri 12-Jul-19 22:58:44

my head just tells me to say FUCK THE FUCK OFF shock

Yeah.. this is exactly what my head was saying half way through your OP.
He's a controlling fuckwit.
Tell him to fucking do the fucking washing up and the fucking laundry and then fuck off to the far end of fuck.

He's an arsehole.

mussolini9 Sat 13-Jul-19 15:59:11

Good lord is your DH Sheldon Cooper?

That level of control, interference & catastophising sounds deranged.
How is it going to 'cause trouble' for you to have a nice little side gig with the laundry?

His level of nitpicking would drive me insane. Next time he explains to you how/where to hoover please just give him the machine & tell him to take over since he's the expert.

As to your internal concerns that he may become violent ... PLEASE listen to the unvoiced litany in your own head "fuck off fuck off fuck off" ... so you already know what you have to do, don't you?

Am so sorry he is putting you through such unreasonable behaviour. Just imagine how free you will feel when you are no longer controlled or feeling on the verge of being physically threatened. Good luck OP.

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