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Is DP BU or am I being controlling?

(205 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

Newkyred Fri 12-Jul-19 20:05:16

So for context we have 6 month old DS
I do all care- I mean ALL. His dad has never even taken him out alone, we do stuff as a family but all the care falls on me.

I have recently commented on this and said I expect more help, for example DS wakes at 6.30- DP gets up at 7 for work so I asked if he could do that 6.30 feed a few mornings, just to help. He seemed to understand.

Today DP working somewhere else 45 min from home ( usually 5 min away and finishes at 4.30 on a Friday )
He car shared there , at 5 I messaged asking when he was coming back
At 6.30 he messaged saying they had gone for a few pints and he wont be long.
It’s now 8 and he’s turned his phone off and I heard nothing else.

I’m annoyed because we planned a ‘ date night’ after a busy few weekends barely seeing each other so I’ve made a nice tea, for us some wine etc even shaved my legs grin

Am I just being over sensitive ? I just keep feeling at the minute that he isn’t interested in me and things like this really make me feel shit !

CurtainsAndCords Sun 14-Jul-19 12:12:58

How are you op?

Hope you're having a peaceful weekend whatever has happened smile

billybagpuss Sat 13-Jul-19 19:23:45

How are you OP, I hope you were able to have a productive day. flowers

Wonkybanana Sat 13-Jul-19 18:04:08

OP he's abusing you. You have the baby, so now he feels he's got you trapped and he can do whatever he wants.

It will get worse. Please go to your dad's.

And read up on gaslighting - and how it affects your mental health.



DrinkSangriaInThePark Sat 13-Jul-19 16:58:09

HappyLoneParentDay That's a standard warning that MN put on every thread where the OP appears to need mental health services. The 'financial' part is on this message all the time but it's not necessarily appropriate for each thread.

Durgasarrow Sat 13-Jul-19 14:46:26

Newky, I don't know for sure what your father would do, but it seems possible that he might treasure the opportunity to be able to help you, especially after what happened to your mother. It could be that by sharing your troubles, you would be giving him a wonderful gift of trust and feeling meaningful in the world again.

Jeremybearimybaby Sat 13-Jul-19 14:03:02

It wasn't the begging thread warning solely, it was a link to resources for mental health resources, and a reminder to other posters to protect themselves, as they may not be in a position to offer support.
Even if OP is fine, those links could be extremely helpful to someone else who's feeling low.

PotolBabu Sat 13-Jul-19 12:47:02

He’s a horrible man and a terrible father. This is horrible.

Normal men and fathers don’t need their mothers to ‘ask’ for help. They do their bit without being asked. For me it is normal that DH does breakfast with both boys, the laundry, unloads the dishwasher and makes me breakfast and drops DS1 to school. He does bath and bedtime 5/7 days of the week. On the weekends he takes them out and to activities or I will take them out and he will have a nice lunch ready for us. I travel for work and he looks after both boys without batting an eyelid for 3-4 days at a stretch. I go out with friends when I want to, and so does he but we just coordinate our diaries before hand. I am outlining this to show you what a normal family life looks like. I feel like this abusive man has made you feel grateful for whatever little he does and you have lost sight of what a ‘normal’ partner contributes to the household. The fact that he verbally abuses you on top of that is worse.

howdyalikemenow Sat 13-Jul-19 12:37:21

@HappyLoneParentDay what begging thread warning? I didn't see that on here!

thewayoftheplatypus Sat 13-Jul-19 12:36:55

Don’t be worried about going to your dad. If you were my daughter I would be so proud of you for taking the enormous step of putting yourself and your baby first and leaving this abusive man, no matter how hard it is at first.

It will be hard at first. It will seem impossible. But it isn’t insurmountable.

Could you talk to your landlord about ending your tenancy early? They are often understanding about this, particularly in circumstances such as this. That seems to be your main financial title to this man. Your baby won’t care where he is living at this age- only that you’re happy and healthy.

Believe me, when you leave it will feel like a weight has lifted and it will only be then that you realise how much his abusive behaviour was getting you down

HappyLoneParentDay Sat 13-Jul-19 12:32:46

@Newkyred OP if you are reading this, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE go stay with a friend. Stop letting this narcissist bully you and your child. I guarantee your child is picking up on it. Please don't subject him to it anymore.
When you arrive at your friend's house I would call Women's Aid. They have amazing advice for women in your situation x flowers

HappyLoneParentDay Sat 13-Jul-19 12:30:35

Well I think MN have just frightened OP off with the standard begging thread warning when this was clearly just someone looking for advice - what MN was created for ffs!!!! Good work MNHQ!!! 🙄

funnylittlefloozie Sat 13-Jul-19 12:18:17

Im sorry about your mum flowers for you.

I think you know what you have to do. It is not safe for that man to be around your DS or you. It is your flat, he needs to leave.

Can your dad drive, or get a taxi, or a lift from a friend, and come to be with you? Don't worry about your dad turning against your partner - when your dad knows the truth, he will be raging and rightly so!

Take some deep breaths. Call your dad. Call Womens Aid or the Samaritans, for someone to talk to. Do you have any friends of your own that you could call? Please reach out to them, even if you haven't spoken for a while.

Bottom line is, you need to rebuild your life without this horrible pathetic little man in it.

YetAnotherBeckyMumsnet (MNHQ) Sat 13-Jul-19 12:16:00

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear what a difficult time you're having. flowers

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources. You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

GabriellaMontez Sat 13-Jul-19 11:59:49

Look after yourself and your son.

Drop the misguided loyalty to your P. Start being honest with your Dad.

BumbleBeeWineGlass Sat 13-Jul-19 11:56:50

You'd be surprised how many people would be willing to listen and give you a hug. To take you into their home and help watch DS while you rest.
I've been there, I thought I had no one until an acquaintance happened to walk pat my house and see me suffering, she came in and listened, she made a cup of tea and gave me a hug and helped me make a plan. She possibly saved my life and I wouldn't have even thought to contact her because she was a friend of a friend, someone who I liked and chatted to but didn't see as my friend if that makes sense?
I hope you're ok OP, losing a parent is so hard, especially when you're partner is abusive and you're trying to take care of your baby.

StVincent Sat 13-Jul-19 11:45:22

I’m so sorry the last 24 hours have been so horrible for you and your little baby. I really think if you look through your phone you’ll be able to think of some friends or relatives (doesn’t have to be your dad, I’d take in a mate or cousin etc in this circumstance) who will be good listeners. I think that’s what you need more than anything.

Other people have mentioned the Samaritans and I understand you might not want to call them as people often associate that with feeling suicidal. Most people who call them aren’t thinking about killing themselves, they’re just at a point in life where they don’t know what to do next. They’re really kind people who will listen and not judge or tell you what to do (that’s what MN is for smile )

Please check back in when you can and let us all know you’re ok x

Jeremybearimybaby Sat 13-Jul-19 11:40:36

I know things seem overwhelming right now. But one step at a time.
First thing to do is call women's aid. They won't judge you, they'll help you. I work alongside WA in my job, and they're the nicest, most knowledgeable, most dedicated people I know. They'll be able to help you sort out your situation.
0808 2000 247 is the national number. I'd you Google 'women's aid + your area' you'll get the number for your local office.
It's not your fault. Ever. flowers

Whatsername7 Sat 13-Jul-19 11:38:56

You are being gas lighted. He is emotionally abusing you. Wait until he is out, pack your things and leave. End your tenancy and let the landlord kick him out. He will cry, he will tell you he is going to kill himself, then he will get nasty and threaten to take your son from you. He can't/won't do either. Record everything. Keep every text conversation. Be strong and let your dad look after you.

thetimekeeper Sat 13-Jul-19 11:27:12

Where did you get LO checked over?

This is domestic abuse. Telling you it's your fault is part of the abuse.

Women's Aid can help you: 0808 2000 247

Freedom Programme can help you understand and figure out what to do - (it's free, confidential, they won't judge you or tell you what to do).

madcatladyforever Sat 13-Jul-19 11:26:22

It isn't a big deal? So you nip off for a few pints regularly do you leaving him with the baby all night because you are too pissed to wake up?
He knew you had a date night planned but did it anyway.
He needs a wake up call really soon.

BarbedBloom Sat 13-Jul-19 11:26:05

OP it is not your fault, none of this is your fault. He will never be the loving family man you imagined. Tell your dad everything. Get your partner out, great that it is all in your name.

For now go somewhere and have a coffee or a drink. Don't go to his mothers birthday, in fact that would be a great time to pack up his stuff. I know you probably feel tired and you're sad, but this situation is making you feel so much worse flowers

Whisky2014 Sat 13-Jul-19 11:23:31

And if it's just in your name can't you tell him to pack his stuff and leave?
Time to get tough, op.

Whisky2014 Sat 13-Jul-19 11:21:46

Why don't you question him about why he wasn't taking care of his son? Why does he think all responsibility is on you?

pheonixrebirth Sat 13-Jul-19 11:20:09

He sounds like a complete narcissist. He does wrong and you get the blame, he's already beating you down with his moods, so that you don't even want to call him out on his shitty behaviour because you know he'll turn it on you and leave you feeling like your going insane.

My ex was a pro at this- I'd end up apologising to him and later on thinking what the hell just happened!

In the long run, your a good mum who can parent perfectly well on your own.
You already are. It's actually easier doing it by yourself than having a waste of space there who is supposed to be sharing the parenting but just doesn't.

I just don't see his behaviour changing, we all have issues but most normal people recognise when they are wrong and apologise. Yet he won't apologise to you to punish you for reacting in a completely understandable way!

He seems to deem you as lower to him, don't let him downplay his behaviour or diminish your feelings.

Just imagine his reaction if you had buggered off all night and left him holding the baby.

And also I just wanted to say that I'm truly sorry for the anniversary of your Mum🌷it's hard enough but not having you SO support is just awful.

CruellaFeinberg Sat 13-Jul-19 11:17:42

DS has fallen out the bed
DP screaminat me I shouldn’t have left him
I feel awful
I can’t believe I left him there

Sorry, you left ds with do?? Or not??

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