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Is DP BU or am I being controlling?

(205 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

Newkyred Fri 12-Jul-19 20:05:16

So for context we have 6 month old DS
I do all care- I mean ALL. His dad has never even taken him out alone, we do stuff as a family but all the care falls on me.

I have recently commented on this and said I expect more help, for example DS wakes at 6.30- DP gets up at 7 for work so I asked if he could do that 6.30 feed a few mornings, just to help. He seemed to understand.

Today DP working somewhere else 45 min from home ( usually 5 min away and finishes at 4.30 on a Friday )
He car shared there , at 5 I messaged asking when he was coming back
At 6.30 he messaged saying they had gone for a few pints and he wont be long.
It’s now 8 and he’s turned his phone off and I heard nothing else.

I’m annoyed because we planned a ‘ date night’ after a busy few weekends barely seeing each other so I’ve made a nice tea, for us some wine etc even shaved my legs grin

Am I just being over sensitive ? I just keep feeling at the minute that he isn’t interested in me and things like this really make me feel shit !

Newkyred Fri 12-Jul-19 20:07:03

I think I’m also annoyed because he didn’t even have the decency to ring or even as how DS is ?
If that was me I’d want to check in and I’d never just presume he could watch DS while I went out without checking

GertrudeCB Fri 12-Jul-19 20:08:30

He us taking ypu for a mug, please dont let him.

AragonsGirl Fri 12-Jul-19 20:09:32

Not being over sensitive at all. I have no words of wisdom I’m afraid, other than have a serious chat with him, tell him what you need and work together to make things better x

AnAC12UCOinanOCG Fri 12-Jul-19 20:09:54

He's a shit father and partner.

Starfish28 Fri 12-Jul-19 20:12:06

Jesus. Do you really think you are being overly sensitive. You’re partner is behaving terribly. He needs to step up immediately. Leave him solo parenting tomorrow and take some time for yourself.

Newkyred Fri 12-Jul-19 20:13:14

The most annoying thing is he will be angry when he’s home.
He will tell me I ruined his night by pulling him up on it and it isn’t a big deal to be able to nip for a few pints and I’m unreasonable

Newkyred Fri 12-Jul-19 20:14:34

I’d love to leave him solo parenting but I don’t think it’s fair on DS, since he’s been born he’s never even had an hour away from me. I have no family to help.
This is why I wanted DP to start doing more so DS got more used to him too

PinkCrayon Fri 12-Jul-19 20:16:31

He sounds horrible, If you plan somethimg he shouldnt just go out with his mates.
Do not let him treat you this way.

newmomof1 Fri 12-Jul-19 20:17:19

He's a twat, especially if you've already voiced your concerns AND you had planned a date night. Enjoy your dinner, Chuck his in the bin, have a glass of wine and an early night and let him do any get ups in the night!

AnotherEmma Fri 12-Jul-19 20:17:28

So how many times has he gone out "for a few pints" since DS was born? And how many times have you gone out for a drink (alcoholic or just a coffee)?

Is your DS breast or bottle bed? Does your partner do any of the night feeds when he doesn't have work the next day? (I guess the answer is probably no.)

His life hasn't changed at all since becoming a parent, has it? Perhaps he even expects you to do all the housework now too, because you're on maternity leave?

Newkyred Fri 12-Jul-19 20:20:14

I’ve never been out for a drink since he’s been born, I’ve had a glass of wine on a sunny afternoon but I’ve not been out without him.
He has literally been with me all day everyday since birth.
DP has never done a night feed but I don’t mind this as I am off work - but the one in the morning just before he gets up I expect Help with.
He says he doesn’t hear him.
Tomorrow we’re meant to be out for DP Mother’s birthday for lunch. I’m tempted to just get up and go out with DS for the day but I’ll get accused of ‘ ruining her birthday’
It’s just rude I’m just sat here really annoyed wondering when he’s coming home

AnotherEmma Fri 12-Jul-19 20:21:36

Well you're an absolute mug I'm afraid.

IncrediblySadToo Fri 12-Jul-19 20:23:22

He’s been a dick - he’s not pulling his weight and he’s treating you as the default (parent, wife & housekeeper) and it’s not on.

If DS was planned I would be asking him what he thought things would be like as parents, did he realise being a parent is supposed to be a ‘hands on tole’ not a ‘viewing’ experience. Ask him why he’s not feeding (if you use bottles, but tricky if he’s Ebf) bathing, entertaining DS & just leaving it all to you?! Ask him if he doesn’t feel confident sorting DS out (try for a little less of a sounding tone than I’d manage!) I DO actually think it can be quite easy as the main cater to just do everything because it’s easier & quite difficult as the ‘Out at work’ Parent to not know what to do when at home for fear of ‘getting It wrong’ or just not knowing what has been done & what needs doing - some guidance can help ‘Great, you’re home, here’s DS he’s had dinner but needs a bath’

As for not calling to say he’ll be late it’s unacceptable kids or not. You had plans he’s showing you no love or respect. Not good enough!

Loopytiles Fri 12-Jul-19 20:25:33

Unfortunately you’re with a shit partner and father.

It’s not “help”, it’s parenting.

AnotherEmma Fri 12-Jul-19 20:25:49

What about finances, do you have mortgage or rent to pay, is it in joint names, do you pay 50/50 or is he paying while you're on maternity leave?

Newkyred Fri 12-Jul-19 20:28:06

We pay rent, it is split 50/50 he sends me a set amount each month. I probably end up paying more as all baby clothes needs etc come to me.

Unsure what to say to him? Mainly because I know he will blame me and say he ignored me cause I was mad for ‘ no reason ‘

DragonsOnRoof Fri 12-Jul-19 20:28:10

I completely echo what IncrediblySadToo has said; and to add, of you're worried about his reaction to pulling him up on his behaviour, in what way are you afraid he might react?

Pepperwand Fri 12-Jul-19 20:28:38

Just as a comparison, my DH leaves the house at 7am for work and always does one of the night feeds for DC2. We have always alternated DC1s bedtimes, feeding etc. There is no aspect of parenting that I do that DH doesn't also do, other than when I was exclusively breastfeeding. I'm not saying this to be smug, I'm highlighting what a normal father should be doing for his child. Honestly sort it out now otherwise you'll be like friends of mine who took this shit from their partners and now can't go out for a drink because their toddlers don't want to be left with daddy as daddy has never done any parenting!

AnotherEmma Fri 12-Jul-19 20:34:05

"We pay rent, it is split 50/50 he sends me a set amount each month. I probably end up paying more as all baby clothes needs etc come to me."

So what is the difference in your incomes? He's working full time and presumably you're on maternity pay? His income (and pension contributions) has not changed while yours is low because you're looking after HIS baby.

Contributions should be proportionate to income. He obviously should be paying towards expenses for HIS CHILD.

He is taking the piss in every single way and you are letting him.

Your problems are much bigger than what's happened tonight. Based on his other behaviour, and your predictions about his reaction, his attitude absolutely stinks.

Newkyred Fri 12-Jul-19 20:40:42

Just led in bed feeling absolutely awful sad
How do I even address this ?
It feels pointless even arguing I know 100% it’ll get turned round on me

NoSauce Fri 12-Jul-19 20:48:17

Arrange to meet a friend on Sunday for lunch on your own. DO IT. He will never change if you let him keep getting away with doing nothing for his own child.

Newkyred Fri 12-Jul-19 20:53:37

I don’t even feel like I need that time away from DS I enjoy every minute I knew what I was signing up for
Just feel so worthless and rubbish tonight.
Still not even had a text

Blueuggboots Fri 12-Jul-19 20:54:13

You need to address this now. Your partner is an absolute arse.

TitsInAbsentia Fri 12-Jul-19 20:54:19

He's childishly rebelling because you made him look after his own child

Newkyred Fri 12-Jul-19 20:55:55

How do I address it though?
Will I be better off to ignore him ? Do I ignore the plans made for tomrorow and just take DS out?
I will say- why did you turn your phone off and not come home
Him- well i wouldn’t have but you were mad I went for a few points so thought what’s the point now

Newkyred Fri 12-Jul-19 20:56:17

I just know he will turn it round on me if I say something

ShawshanksRedemption Fri 12-Jul-19 20:59:15

Are you absolutely sure DH knew it was a date night? If he did know it, he's being absolutely disrespectful in his ignoring you. It's just not on.

You do need to start leaving your DS with DH though. Start with an hour and build it up. Your DS is his son too and he should know how to look after him.

Forensicpsych Fri 12-Jul-19 20:59:57

You tell him his behaviours unacceptable and you won’t be playing happy families tomorrow.
That he’s being disrespectful and will lose you both. Tell him you wouldn’t do that to him so why does he think it’s ok to do to you?

ShawshanksRedemption Fri 12-Jul-19 21:04:06

"why did you turn your phone off and not come home?"

"well i wouldn’t have but you were mad I went for a few pints so thought what’s the point now?"

"It was disrespectful after I had cooked a meal for us as it was date night. I feel very upset that you put yourself first, without any consideration for the effort I put in."

Your DH is now a dad, with all that comes with it. Equally you need to let him have DS and trust him to look after him. I would still go to the MiL birthday do, as it's not her fault.

Jellybeansincognito Fri 12-Jul-19 21:09:39

He sounds like he thinks he is above you, your relationship doesn’t sound equal and you’re scared of his reaction because he always turns it around on you.

You can’t remain in such a relationship- it just won’t work out.

AmIRightOrAMeringue Fri 12-Jul-19 21:10:06

Hi OP

I cant believe you're even asking if you're being unreasonable.

Letting anyone down at the last minute, when you've made arrangements, and not even having the decency to let them know, is incredibly rude in ANY situation (bar medical emergency etc). Being annoyed at this is normal yet he is using this as an excuse to behave how he wants.

Turn it around on him. What would he do if he was looking after his baby for 20 min while you nipped to the shops and then you just didn't come home and then had a go at him when he asked you wtf you were playing at.

You can't change his behaviour the only thing you can change is how you react to it. Dont apologise. Stick to facts. You said youd be home and you weren't. This made me upset. Ask questions- why do you think its acceptable for one parent to do all the parenting while the other carries on like they never had a kid? The answer is probably going to be because they are the mother. But not all fathers are like that. Both myself and husband have equal nights out. Equal time for hobbies. I was ebf so did night feeds but he would get up early and even drive around at night sometimes to give me some rest. He gets up at the weekend more than me to give me a lie in. This is what a partnership is.

I think unthoughtful behaviour is one thing, but turning it back on you is pretty horrible. He doesnt want to listen. I would ask for counselling. Or think about a trial separation and see how you get on

Drum2018 Fri 12-Jul-19 21:10:27

Why isn't you send him off with ds to his mother's birthday tomorrow? Don't make an issue of it. Just say in the morning that you are taking a few hours out to go shopping, and that he can take Ds to his mums. He can't refuse as you've been sat in all evening with Ds. Don't take Ds tomorrow and go off with him. Leave Ds to Dh. He needs to get used to spending time with his son so let this be the start of it.

DrinkSangriaInThePark Fri 12-Jul-19 21:12:06

I would have gone fucking nuclear on him ages ago, but my husband wouldn't do this because he's decent and he loves me.

Are you going to give him a few ultimatums?

AmIRightOrAMeringue Fri 12-Jul-19 21:12:24

Also he is an adult and responsible for his own behaviour. He turned off his phone because he wanted to turn off his phone, not because of anything you did, that was his decision alone. Most parents wouldn't turn off their phone when out just because of the tiny chance something happened to their child and they were needed

urbanlife Fri 12-Jul-19 21:12:55

You a single mother already.

This man is seemingly not even capable of caring for his own child for an hour.

He doesn’t even have the decency to call you and discuss his plans, or give you the respect you deserve as his dp and the mother of his child.

What I would do? Pack his bags, and call his mother.

If this isn’t an option. Go to bed and don’t say a word. Not one.

Tomorrow you wait until ds is out of earshot and you tell him precisely where he stands.

HelenUrth Fri 12-Jul-19 21:14:02

Talk about how you felt, without focusing on using "you" to him, e.g. don't say "you should have let me know earlier" (even though he definitely should have!). Try something like:
"I'm really happy for you to enjoy an evening out, but if I don't know in advance I feel ignored, just let me know next time".
"When you didn't let me know what was happening, and I thought we were having a date night, I felt disappointed".
It may help mute his reaction to speak to him like that (worrying that you're concerned as to his response), but really he sounds like an arsehole and if he doesn't start acting like a husband and father, I'd be considering my long term future with him.

Newkyred Fri 12-Jul-19 21:14:41

I’ve given him an ultimatum previously- he even turned that round on me and said well that’s the choice you’re making etc etc
I feel so numb
I really can’t describe how I feel I think it’s a build up of everything
But I feel really deeply sad.
This week is the anniversary of my mother’s suicide 3 years ago. Hence why we planne a date night / nice weekend to cheer me up
And right now I feel in a very very dark place. I needed something to make me happy I really needed support and now I’m just sat in bed crying

SeaToSki Fri 12-Jul-19 21:14:47

try using I statements rather than you statements. they are harder for him to turn around.

"I was upset when you forgot about our date night and didnt come home"
"I worry about you if you dont come home when you told me you planned to"
"I am sad that you dont spend more time with DS"
I feel that I am overlooked and taken for granted in our relationship now DS is here"
"I want to feel loved by you, not just your skivy and nanny"
"I would be so happy if you took DS for a couple of hours so that I could get a hair cut"

urbanlife Fri 12-Jul-19 21:17:56

‘Dp I deserve respect and ds deserves to have a reliable father. Do you still feel up to the job?
Nights out are pre planned from now on, and we should both be in agreement as to what night.
In addition from today now you will look after ds for a few hours each weekend building up to joint childcare. He is our child, and he needs a father’

AmIRightOrAMeringue Fri 12-Jul-19 21:18:04

I'm sorry OP. Just seen your update.

It seems he's just a shit.

I don't think there is any point in discussing it with him. It sounds like he is more into blaming you than listening to you.

Have you got anywhere else you can move to?

I'm sorry about your mum

lyralalala Fri 12-Jul-19 21:20:42

We pay rent, it is split 50/50 he sends me a set amount each month. I probably end up paying more as all baby clothes needs etc come to me.

Why does he not pay at least 50:50 for the baby as well?

Unless you earn a shedload more than him then everything should be 50:50 at least.

Are you on maternity pay? Has that been accounted for in your split?

Do you get anything good from your relationship? Honestly think about it, do you?

There’s nothing lonelier than being alone in a relationship.

Gustavo1 Fri 12-Jul-19 21:23:43

I’m so sorry about your mum flowers
This guy is not a partner. He’s not on your team. I’m guessing you know that already.
If he will be angry and has been drinking. There is really no point in trying to talk to him tonight.
Can you read or put a movie on in bed until you’re ready to sleep?
Tomorrow is another day. You can text him mum and say you’re unwell if you don’t want to go. Alternatively, pack him an overnight bag, pop it in the boot and when at your mum’s, tell him he’s out and dump him and the bag there!

Gustavo1 Fri 12-Jul-19 21:24:26

So sorry, at his mums

fairislecable Fri 12-Jul-19 21:25:39

Send him a message now: Have a good time tonight I will take my time tomorrow.

Leave him with baby, car seat and nappy bag packed.

Off you go alone for a wander around the shops, have a lovely lunch and perhaps the cinema in the afternoon.

Don’t feel guilty this is your time and for him a learning experience.

breakfastpizza Fri 12-Jul-19 21:25:50

Time to start making an exit plan. You and your son deserve better.

flowers for the terrible anniversary.

Newkyred Fri 12-Jul-19 21:27:27

I don’t feel strong enough to do anything.
I know if my friend was in this relationship I’d tell her she deserves better. But it’s s much harder when it’s you and it’s your dreams and it’s your family. My dad would be gutted if I tried to go stay with him purely because he would be so worried about me. And he’s been through so much.
I just don’t know if I’m over reacting because I feel so low. I feel like I have no purpose. The first time in 3 years since my mums suicide I can understand why she did it rather than being clouded with anger. And it’s scaring me sad

Gustavo1 Fri 12-Jul-19 21:32:36

You aren’t alone. You have a little baby and you are his whole world!
Would you consider a call to the Samaritans? They provide an excellent listening service. No judgment. It might help you to feel less alone xx

AnotherEmma Fri 12-Jul-19 21:33:13

What do you do?

Well, you wait until tomorrow before talking to him. He's been out drinking and you're hurt and annoyed so no good will come of discussing it tonight.

How do you think he would react if you told him the following?
- You're hurt because he went out even though you'd planned a date night and you were looking forward to it. It made you feel unloved, unappreciated and disrespected.
- You want to discuss a fairer share of parenting duties, including equal "time off" and opportunities for each of you to have one-to-one time to bond with the baby.
- The two of you need to review finances and a fair split of contributions now during your maternity and after you return to work.

You do plan to return to work, right?!

AntiHop Fri 12-Jul-19 21:33:32

So sorry op. We're all here for you. flowers

Your dh is behaving appallingly.

AnotherEmma Fri 12-Jul-19 21:35:56

Oh I'm sorry I missed a few updates.
Sorry about your mother's suicide and that it's a particularly difficult time for you at the moment flowers
All the more reason that he should be there for you angry

Have you talked to your GP about how you're feeling atm? And please do open up to your dad if you haven't yet - I'm sure he would want to support you and wouldn't want you to suffer alone.

flowers

SquishySquirmy Fri 12-Jul-19 21:41:58

You are not being controlling.
He is treating you poorly, and you are entitled to feel pissed off.
You are not worthless, you are important and you deserve better than this.
Do not allow his behaviour and the choices HE makes to make you feel worthless or unimportant.

flowers

Debfronut Fri 12-Jul-19 21:45:06

He needs to know how you feel OP. Men are particularly shit at reading emotions and mine was even worse as he has Autism. I would pack a small bag and rent a hotel room or go to a friend or relative. Enjoy your weekend with baby and don't return until Sunday night. Turn your phone off. I did this 26 years ago (only no phones then to turn off) because my 'loving' husband had no idea how I felt when he just went out without telling me and leaving me at home with a newborn. My mum told him(when he turned up in a panic) that I had gone away to think about whether I still wanted to be with him anymore and I was safe but that was all she know. I came back to mess of a man who tried a lot harder. Men prefer examples and visual/actual action to emotions. Try something similar.

CaMePlaitPas Fri 12-Jul-19 21:50:26

* The first time in 3 years since my mums suicide I can understand why she did it rather than being clouded with anger.*

Start putting you, your son and your collective happiness first.

There's not a snowflakes chance in hell I would stay with this person.

villanova Fri 12-Jul-19 21:50:37

You have to tackle it sometime this weekend. I suspect he will say he didn't have a choice in going out for a drink because of the car share, but that just means he wasn't man enough to stand up to the other colleagues. Likewise, I suspect that he'll throw at you that you 'never let him in' on the parenting. Is he really so much of a wimp that he couldn't ask for the baby, or suggest he help with something???
However, if you genuinely think he can change, or he really offers to take on something, start slowly/ gently, and give him a specific fun task instead/ as well as the early feed, which he can 'find his own way' at without your supervision/ suggestions. I wish you a lot of luck, and hope he decides it's time for him to step up

HelenUrth Fri 12-Jul-19 21:52:01

You poor thing. You've been through a lot as has your dad. But I would imagine it likely he would hate to think you didn't let him know how miserable you are - maybe you could consider asking him for some moral support?

livinglavidavillanelle Fri 12-Jul-19 21:52:29

YANBU and HE is being controlling.

That is absolutely vile behaviour. I'm sorry about your mum, and I'm sorry about your hideous DP.

What if something had happened to you or the baby, he's fine switching off his phone like neither of you matter? As for the finances, that's a whole different level of control, equally unacceptable.

Tiredtessy Fri 12-Jul-19 21:53:11

Really disrespectful, yes of course he can have a few beers but of course you can and he’s being selfish, my ex was useless, not horrible but just avoided any childcare and family stuff, lasted just over a year and binned him off, took him 2 years to start being a dad again and now he’s okay but I was so angry back then, if he dares to turn this round on you then leave or have a day by yourself Tomoz and he can take baby to his mind! Knob!

Tiredtessy Fri 12-Jul-19 21:53:49

Or go to your dads tonight and turn your phone off until some point Tomoz and And see how he likes it!

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 Fri 12-Jul-19 21:54:21

He's being a complete dick

urbanlife Fri 12-Jul-19 21:54:41

Your father has lost his wife, do you honestly think he would ever want you to feel this desperately sad op?

Call him please, tell him your do is abusive and you need to protect the baby. Pack your things and go home.

This man is exploiting the deep pain and sadness you are feeling. He doesn’t care for you as much as he should.
We are all here for you. You have a young son that needs you, family that love you. Please let them be there for you.

Speakercube Fri 12-Jul-19 21:56:06

So sorry about yr mum. Please don't feel scared-it doesn't mean you'll go down that path. It's a really difficult time and he's let you down so yr vulnerable and emotional (understandibly). At the least he could've had the decency to call u to let you know. Don't not go tomorrow it's not his mum's fault and it will make things worse. He's being a shit but rise above it. He'll miss out in the long run as he won't have as close a relationship wiv yr ds as u. You do need to leave yr ds wiv him for at least an hour though to give yrself some time to yourself. flowersbrewcake

IncrediblySadToo Fri 12-Jul-19 21:57:21

Oh deeethesrt I’m so sorry about your Mum 🌷 I think having your own baby makes you think her/her situation differently and it brings up a lot of emotions.

While your Dad would be worried I’m sure he’d hate you not to go to him when you need help (you’ll feel the same about your DS)

I honestly think your H is too far down the shit husband road to change him, it’s simply who he is, unfortunately

It’s not just tonight, it’s the fact he’s not being a parent to his son. He’s treating you like absolute shit and he’s financially taking you for a ride too & I know you’d be telling your friend that, so why UFO’s you feel you’re worth less than your friend?

I wish I could pick you and DS up & bring you home, but I really think you should os k s couple of bags and go to your Dads/ tell H that you’d like him to go stay elsewhere because it’s over and you and DS need the house after the weekend

Big hugs / it’s definitely him not you 🌷

thetimekeeper Fri 12-Jul-19 21:58:53

Oh, op, I'm sorry.

I'm going to try and summarise what you've said, tell me if I've got it wrong...

- when he behaves badly/lets you down/makes a mistake, he gets angry at you and tells you it's your fault
- if you try to speak to him about the above, he blames you and makes it your fault
- if you get upset by his behaviour, he tells you you're over sensitive / over reacting
- if you ask him to stop disrespecting/mistreating you, he calls you controlling
- he refuses to change his behaviour, and instead blames you
- he makes you cover all baby related financial costs
- he makes you do all childcare
- he pretends not to hear baby crying so you have to respond instead
- he lets you down and disrespects you
- he regularly disappears out without telling you where he's going or for how long and turns his phone off

Have I missed anything or got anything wrong?

Do you find when you ask him to do tasks at home he does such a bad job you end up having to re-do it and never ask again? Or does he just use the "I forgot" or "I don't know how to" approach?

I suspect in reality your dad would be much more upset to think you were struggling alone and hiding from him how badly you were being treated instead of letting him help and support you.

Being upset to see you in this position would be because he cares about you. It's not a marker of you doing something wrong or being at fault.

Newkyred Fri 12-Jul-19 22:00:31

I wish I just went to bed hours ago I feel like I’ve opened something I can’t shut again.
I don’t even know what’s normal now
I feel like I’ve been plodding along dealing with whatever because of how nasty he can be when he tells me I’m in the wrong. He will shout at me and tell me how I’m a psycho and I’m this and that. And I’ve actually started to listen and fear his response
I can’t go anywhere I know I can’t. This is my babies home. And I don’t want to be a burden to other people.
I don’t even know if he will come home tonight. I’m tempted to put the snag on the door.

I just think I’ve coped so so well with the death of my mum. I’ve been so strong. But somethings changed since DS was born. Firstly I felt SO angry that she left me once I knew the love for a child. But now I just feel like it’s just happened. Like she’s just gone and I need her so much. I want to be able to ring he and ask advice instead of google. I take all these cute pictures of my son with no one to send them to. I feel like this has reallytipped me over the edge tonight. Why doesn’t he care about my wellbeing when I’m raising our sonsad

Mummoomoocow Fri 12-Jul-19 22:03:49

When you’re ready you’ll recognise the abuse that’s happening

Keep plodding along, you’re baby’s mum, not DP’s partner. Remind yourself daily flowers

MingeOnFire Fri 12-Jul-19 22:04:18

Nothing to add that hasn't been said.

flowers for you, you deserve so much more than this

Millie2018 Fri 12-Jul-19 22:04:50

OP don’t challenge him tonight as he will be defensive knowing he has let you down and most likely will have been drinking.
So sorry to hear about your Mum. The anniversary must be hard.
There are a couple of issues here. The care aspect. Do you want him to do more with your son? Do you trust him with your son? Why won’t he do more of the care for your son! Do you know the reason?
The date night issue. The disrespect he has shown you by not turning up for your plans. Switching his phone off. It’s rude and thoughtless.
The lack of support that sits alongside both of these issues.
What do you want to do? Do you want him to make more of an effort or is it passed that? Do you want to go for the meal tomorrow? It’s your choice.
Have a think about what you want. Be clear on that before talking to him about tonight.
You are not being controlling. He is letting you and your son down.

Newkyred Fri 12-Jul-19 22:08:12

In regards to the care of our son I don’t think he realises how little he does.
As I said he would get up for work at 7 and go. He would get in at 5.15 and I would be giving DS tea, I make DP tea for when he gets in too, so we all eat together. I then walk the dog and DS again to kill some time as he gets restless before bed. DP stays at home showers unwinds whatever. I get in bath DS and put him to bed at 7.15, then I dream feed him at 10.
If I asked him to feed him he would. But he would never pick him up and know he needs a bottle and make it. He would never use his initiate to run a bath for him and at the weekend he would never pack a changing bag etc. It’s probaby My fault forjust doing it instead of asking for help

Loopytiles Fri 12-Jul-19 22:08:57

It’s not your fault. It is his conscious choice to be a shit parent and partner.

Dinomom52 Fri 12-Jul-19 22:10:53

Could you go stay with your dad for a few days to gain some space? Maybe not mention the issues & say you just missed him?

We had some issues when our kids were born I think we both struggled a bit with the translation & although he helped. He did what he “thought was best” (so what he wanted to do) rather than what I actually needed him to do to help. He ALWAYS helped with the kids though. & would take over when he got home so I could have a shower etc. So he did help, just not always in the way I would have preferred. So I was never alone with that. Although he had his moments when he was a spectacular twat. He also turned a lot of stuff round on me angry.

Your DP sounds worse though. flowers

VenusTiger Fri 12-Jul-19 22:16:46

OP sorry to hear all this. Your post made at 10pm needs to go onto paper word for word and he needs to read it alone so he can’t react.

Good luck

Yawninfinitum Fri 12-Jul-19 22:20:25

Oh OP
You sound such a lovely mum
Your DS is so lucky to have you

And your mum had her own battles that weren’t a reflection of you- I’m quite sure she loved you deeply but she was too unwell to be able to cope with the world.

Have you had any counselling since her death?
It might help.

In terms of your DH- it’s good that you recognise his behaviour isn’t kind or loving and is in fact abusive. Blaming you for his own failings is very troubling.

You are 100% right- you deserve and need a partner who has your back and will put your first and support you and your lovely DS. This man is showing you he isn’t that person.

Please go somewhere else tonight- don’t stay and face his mood and accusations when he returns.
Your dad would want to be able to help you I’m sure. Yes he will worry about you because he is your dad but that isnt a reason to not go to his.

If you really can’t face it how about a friend or even a hotel?

I think once you take the step you will feel free even if it feels scary being alone with DS. It will certainly feel better living on your own terms and not at the whim of the moods of a selfish man.

Keep us posted. I’ll be thinking of you and your lovely little DS.
You can do this.

Ohyesiam Fri 12-Jul-19 22:28:44

Unsure what to say to him?

Stick to telling him what you need him to do. He’s not going to like it, but he’ll easily argue with” you shouldn’t have turned your phone off. “
So he needs to do X amounts of feeds, nappy changes, he needs to get to know and bond with his son, he needs to do the morning feed.

Think of what your ideal day would be like, and ask for it,

Tell him straight that it took two of you to get this baby, it’ll take two to bring him up,

Tell him how you feel, abandoned, disappointed, let down, whatever it is.

Some men are shot with the baby bit, but babies do get s lot more interesting at 6 months.

I hope it works out for you op.

cestlavielife Fri 12-Jul-19 22:30:02

Your baby is at home where ever the people who live him are.
ABuilding is not the same as a home

O teason why dp cannot take care of ds. Yes you should have left d's with dp when you go to walk dog etc but if he shouts and calls you psycho maybe you need to consider the whole set up.

Talk to gp
Get a referral to counsellor talk about your mum and dp and work out what you want to do

hadthesnip2 Fri 12-Jul-19 22:31:13

What @fairislecable said. Get up early tomorrow morning & pack a changing bag for DP. Tell him your having your "me time" and he can take your DC to his mums. Do whatever it is you do to relax. Just make sure he takes responsibility tomorrow for HIS child.

overnightangel Fri 12-Jul-19 22:39:07

I had to check this wasn’t a zombie thread.
From 1953.
He sounds AWFUL

urbanlife Fri 12-Jul-19 22:39:15

Your darling son is lucky to have such a loving and caring mother.

Op you need much more love and support. If your dp can’t do it, then other friends and family may be able to help you through this, your Dr as well.

Your mother didn’t leave you because she didn’t love you, she was in a very dark place and didn’t ask for help.

Please make sure you don’t do the same op. You can and will come through this. Hold your baby close. Focus on the love you feel for him, and worry about tomorrow when it comes. Be honest with those around you.

You are different. You are strong. Don’t let anyone take your strength away.

VBT2 Fri 12-Jul-19 22:40:01

OP this sounds really awful. Please take care of you and your DS first. Your DP is a grown man and can make his own choices, your DF will want to be there to help you. Please do what feels right to you.

Seabreeze18 Fri 12-Jul-19 22:40:17

Op please find a way to get some counselling to deal with all your emotions about your mum and then u will be in a stronger space to deal with your useless man! Men do need it very direct for them to understand. Ask for what u need and leave if he refuses. Good luck

Whisky2014 Fri 12-Jul-19 22:40:47

I don't know why you don't just say "I'm not doing the feed tonight", "I'm out tomorrow so just to let you know these are ds deed times...."

You say you don't mind not going out eyx, but I actually think this is hindering you. You should have some time to yourself and your husband should have time alone with his son. If he doesn't, how will he learn?

I definitely wouldn't bring anything up tonight
Wait until tomorrow now.

Whisky2014 Fri 12-Jul-19 22:43:02

How is he getting home if his car share is out drinking with him?!

Prometheus Fri 12-Jul-19 22:44:23

When you say it wouldn't be fair on DS if you walked out for a day and left him to do childcare - I think you need to be more circumspect. DS is a baby - even if he cries for a while, he genuinely won't remember and it won't do him any harm. But it will teach your DP a lesson so is worth doing in my opinion.

oyoyoy Fri 12-Jul-19 22:44:27

https://www.verywellfamily.com/is-someone-gaslighting-you-4147470

Sound familiar @Newkyred? I'm sorry this is happening to you and hope you have the strength to stand up for yourself. thanks

kateandme Fri 12-Jul-19 22:53:40

i know you dont think you need that time away.but the feeling of being trapped an it being unequal parenting is all part of that.so its not so much as being away from you dc but just being your own person and reviving yourself every once in a while to be a better mum and closer mum to your dc.there is nothing bad in that.its not meaning you want to be away from your dc.just every human needs to be them and take some 'Self care' moments.
it can be a walk.it can be just lying on ur bed for an hour or going out for lunch!big or small.it should then be up to dad to help out.he is there he needs to do his part as its not fair on you.

KTara Fri 12-Jul-19 22:55:29

Just wanted to add some hugs for you flowers

Your baby’s home is where you are or go. You are his main carer and you sound like a wonderful mum who has been through a lot. Your partner sounds like he is treating you very badly.

If you were my family, I would not want you to stay away. I am sure your dad would like you to go and stay with him if he knew. It might even mean a lot to him that you feel able to. I am so sorry about your mum flowers

None of this is your fault.

dorisdog Fri 12-Jul-19 23:07:31

Really sorry about your mum. flowers

Turning it around on you as if you've done something wrong is gaslighting. However you do this - as in get your self esteem back and take back control of your life - do it so you are ok. Slowly if necessary - build up support networks. And just be honest with yourself. He's making you feel like shit. No one who loves their partner deliberately makes them feel shit. Good luck. You deserve better. x

Notcontent Fri 12-Jul-19 23:13:18

I hope you are ok. Just wanted to let you know that you are not the only woman who has gone through this kind of thing - I hope you can take some comfort from that. My exH used to do this - every so often he would just go drinking and not answer texts or calls, even if we had made plans to do something together.

Don’t put up with it - it’s better to be on your own.

rosynoses Fri 12-Jul-19 23:16:02

Leave OP, at least for a few days. Go to your dads. I have been in your shoes and it does not get better I'm afraid and it took me to finding him cheating on me whilst I was on maternity leave to leave him. How many times has he done this and twisted it around so it was your fault?
He's a massive twat and man child. You and your son deserve better. Just not having to worry where he is all the time bc he said he'd be home and he hasn't turned up and is out drinking (again) is such a sense of relief.

Tooner Fri 12-Jul-19 23:16:49

I'm so sorry you lost your Mum, I'm sure she would have been so proud of what a fantastic Mum you are. Your little boy is very lucky to have such a loving caring Mum.

Would you be able to go and stay with your Dad for a few days, he would be upset to think of you in such an abusive relationship and I'm sure he would want you to stay at his house where you will feel safe and secure.

Perhaps you could ring The Samaritans tonight and have a little chat to get things off your chest so you can settle down and go to sleep.

MyKingdomForBrie Fri 12-Jul-19 23:22:43

This man is a bastard. You are your son's entire world, you and him can get through anything together. Just get him away from this toxic twat before he starts absorbing his attitude and lack of love.

Jojowash Fri 12-Jul-19 23:24:26

Is he still not home?

Name7 Fri 12-Jul-19 23:29:15

So many times over the past few weeks I’ve heard the analogy of having to put your own oxygen mask on before dealing with your dependents. Take care of yourself so that you are able to give the best care to those who rely on you.

Go to your Dad’s. It’s completely understandable for this anniversary. If anyone asks or comments, you asked your husband to be there but he couldn’t. No other explanation needed. Take time and heal. Even if your Dad can’t help practically, it’s a no worse situation than you are in now and at least your Dad will take care of himself.

Do whatever you need to do to get through tonight. Please take care.

AnotherEmma Fri 12-Jul-19 23:35:36

I am really not convinced that people telling you to LTB now is particularly helpful at the moment.

I think you need support, you need counselling to talk about your bereavement and your relationship, and you need to tell your GP and your dad how much you're struggling.

Eventually I think (hope) you will end the relationship but in the meantime you need to work on feeling better and gathering the strength to make the decision, with a clearer head.

PotatoesDieInHotCars Sat 13-Jul-19 01:34:16

I don't think there is any point saying anything to him this time. You already know what he's going to say because he already knows what you are going to say, and on and on it goes. I think you should say nothing. Send him to his mother's alone tomorrow because you need to think about what you want for your future.

Newkyred Sat 13-Jul-19 04:24:39

He’s just walked in.
I asked him where he’s been he said he just went out. I said why does he think it’s ok to turn his phone off we have a 6 month old what if something had happened - he said ‘ that’s fucking pathetic to say that get a grip he’s obviously fine ‘
Could hear him muttering stuff about me as I came back upstairs
Fucking bitch etc

Going to just get up with DS and go out tomorrow. Really need to get out.
People recommending I just leave DS with him or his mum tomrorow I understand he needs to just be left with him more. But I’m not even risking leaving him with him when he’s so hungover. And his mum has never watched him only met him a few times so again I just don’t reallt feel comfortable. I know I need to go see my dad I just don’t want him to know I am weak

MilenaMay Sat 13-Jul-19 04:42:49

Oh I'm so sorry op. He sounds horrible sad and there is excuse for his behaviour, it is so disrespectful and unkind.
Go to your dad's and get some emotional rest and support. Do you have friends you can talk to as well?

Bumpitybumper Sat 13-Jul-19 05:25:14

I know I need to go see my dad I just don’t want him to know I am weak
Imagine your son in a similar situation in a few decades and him turning up to your house with his baby. Would you view him as weak for admitting the rest a problem or strong for having the courage to recognise that they need help and for seeking a better life for themselves and their child? As a parent myself, I would be absolutely destroyed if my child stayed in an abusive relationship for fear of appearing weak to me or being a burden.

AnnaDine Sat 13-Jul-19 05:41:02

You sound strong to me

BertieBotts Sat 13-Jul-19 06:20:25

He is verbally if not emotionally abusive and he is being a shit sad I'm so sorry.

I agree your dad will understand, and would much rather you speak to him than suffer in silence. He may already know that your relationship is not supportive but feel weak himself to say anything in case it pushes you away. I think it's very common to have a more visceral reaction to loss (particularly of a parent) after you have children yourself. And so natural to miss being able to share things with her. We lost FIL when I was pregnant and even I feel sad about how he is missing everything, and I didn't know him that well. It must be far worse for my DH. And when DS2 was born I shared a hospital room with a stranger and she confided in me how she'd lost her mum several years before but now she had a child it was as though it was all fresh again.

How long have you been with your partner? Sometimes when you are in a controlling relationship like this it can sort of numb you to anything outside of it and make it hard and confusing to feel things in general, at least that's what it was like for me.

Listen to AnotherEmma, she is very wise. flowers

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