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Is DP BU or am I being controlling?

(205 Posts)

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Newkyred Fri 12-Jul-19 20:05:16

So for context we have 6 month old DS
I do all care- I mean ALL. His dad has never even taken him out alone, we do stuff as a family but all the care falls on me.

I have recently commented on this and said I expect more help, for example DS wakes at 6.30- DP gets up at 7 for work so I asked if he could do that 6.30 feed a few mornings, just to help. He seemed to understand.

Today DP working somewhere else 45 min from home ( usually 5 min away and finishes at 4.30 on a Friday )
He car shared there , at 5 I messaged asking when he was coming back
At 6.30 he messaged saying they had gone for a few pints and he wont be long.
It’s now 8 and he’s turned his phone off and I heard nothing else.

I’m annoyed because we planned a ‘ date night’ after a busy few weekends barely seeing each other so I’ve made a nice tea, for us some wine etc even shaved my legs grin

Am I just being over sensitive ? I just keep feeling at the minute that he isn’t interested in me and things like this really make me feel shit !

Newkyred Fri 12-Jul-19 20:07:03

I think I’m also annoyed because he didn’t even have the decency to ring or even as how DS is ?
If that was me I’d want to check in and I’d never just presume he could watch DS while I went out without checking

GertrudeCB Fri 12-Jul-19 20:08:30

He us taking ypu for a mug, please dont let him.

AragonsGirl Fri 12-Jul-19 20:09:32

Not being over sensitive at all. I have no words of wisdom I’m afraid, other than have a serious chat with him, tell him what you need and work together to make things better x

AnAC12UCOinanOCG Fri 12-Jul-19 20:09:54

He's a shit father and partner.

Starfish28 Fri 12-Jul-19 20:12:06

Jesus. Do you really think you are being overly sensitive. You’re partner is behaving terribly. He needs to step up immediately. Leave him solo parenting tomorrow and take some time for yourself.

Newkyred Fri 12-Jul-19 20:13:14

The most annoying thing is he will be angry when he’s home.
He will tell me I ruined his night by pulling him up on it and it isn’t a big deal to be able to nip for a few pints and I’m unreasonable

Newkyred Fri 12-Jul-19 20:14:34

I’d love to leave him solo parenting but I don’t think it’s fair on DS, since he’s been born he’s never even had an hour away from me. I have no family to help.
This is why I wanted DP to start doing more so DS got more used to him too

PinkCrayon Fri 12-Jul-19 20:16:31

He sounds horrible, If you plan somethimg he shouldnt just go out with his mates.
Do not let him treat you this way.

newmomof1 Fri 12-Jul-19 20:17:19

He's a twat, especially if you've already voiced your concerns AND you had planned a date night. Enjoy your dinner, Chuck his in the bin, have a glass of wine and an early night and let him do any get ups in the night!

AnotherEmma Fri 12-Jul-19 20:17:28

So how many times has he gone out "for a few pints" since DS was born? And how many times have you gone out for a drink (alcoholic or just a coffee)?

Is your DS breast or bottle bed? Does your partner do any of the night feeds when he doesn't have work the next day? (I guess the answer is probably no.)

His life hasn't changed at all since becoming a parent, has it? Perhaps he even expects you to do all the housework now too, because you're on maternity leave?

Newkyred Fri 12-Jul-19 20:20:14

I’ve never been out for a drink since he’s been born, I’ve had a glass of wine on a sunny afternoon but I’ve not been out without him.
He has literally been with me all day everyday since birth.
DP has never done a night feed but I don’t mind this as I am off work - but the one in the morning just before he gets up I expect Help with.
He says he doesn’t hear him.
Tomorrow we’re meant to be out for DP Mother’s birthday for lunch. I’m tempted to just get up and go out with DS for the day but I’ll get accused of ‘ ruining her birthday’
It’s just rude I’m just sat here really annoyed wondering when he’s coming home

AnotherEmma Fri 12-Jul-19 20:21:36

Well you're an absolute mug I'm afraid.

IncrediblySadToo Fri 12-Jul-19 20:23:22

He’s been a dick - he’s not pulling his weight and he’s treating you as the default (parent, wife & housekeeper) and it’s not on.

If DS was planned I would be asking him what he thought things would be like as parents, did he realise being a parent is supposed to be a ‘hands on tole’ not a ‘viewing’ experience. Ask him why he’s not feeding (if you use bottles, but tricky if he’s Ebf) bathing, entertaining DS & just leaving it all to you?! Ask him if he doesn’t feel confident sorting DS out (try for a little less of a sounding tone than I’d manage!) I DO actually think it can be quite easy as the main cater to just do everything because it’s easier & quite difficult as the ‘Out at work’ Parent to not know what to do when at home for fear of ‘getting It wrong’ or just not knowing what has been done & what needs doing - some guidance can help ‘Great, you’re home, here’s DS he’s had dinner but needs a bath’

As for not calling to say he’ll be late it’s unacceptable kids or not. You had plans he’s showing you no love or respect. Not good enough!

Loopytiles Fri 12-Jul-19 20:25:33

Unfortunately you’re with a shit partner and father.

It’s not “help”, it’s parenting.

AnotherEmma Fri 12-Jul-19 20:25:49

What about finances, do you have mortgage or rent to pay, is it in joint names, do you pay 50/50 or is he paying while you're on maternity leave?

Newkyred Fri 12-Jul-19 20:28:06

We pay rent, it is split 50/50 he sends me a set amount each month. I probably end up paying more as all baby clothes needs etc come to me.

Unsure what to say to him? Mainly because I know he will blame me and say he ignored me cause I was mad for ‘ no reason ‘

DragonsOnRoof Fri 12-Jul-19 20:28:10

I completely echo what IncrediblySadToo has said; and to add, of you're worried about his reaction to pulling him up on his behaviour, in what way are you afraid he might react?

Pepperwand Fri 12-Jul-19 20:28:38

Just as a comparison, my DH leaves the house at 7am for work and always does one of the night feeds for DC2. We have always alternated DC1s bedtimes, feeding etc. There is no aspect of parenting that I do that DH doesn't also do, other than when I was exclusively breastfeeding. I'm not saying this to be smug, I'm highlighting what a normal father should be doing for his child. Honestly sort it out now otherwise you'll be like friends of mine who took this shit from their partners and now can't go out for a drink because their toddlers don't want to be left with daddy as daddy has never done any parenting!

AnotherEmma Fri 12-Jul-19 20:34:05

"We pay rent, it is split 50/50 he sends me a set amount each month. I probably end up paying more as all baby clothes needs etc come to me."

So what is the difference in your incomes? He's working full time and presumably you're on maternity pay? His income (and pension contributions) has not changed while yours is low because you're looking after HIS baby.

Contributions should be proportionate to income. He obviously should be paying towards expenses for HIS CHILD.

He is taking the piss in every single way and you are letting him.

Your problems are much bigger than what's happened tonight. Based on his other behaviour, and your predictions about his reaction, his attitude absolutely stinks.

Newkyred Fri 12-Jul-19 20:40:42

Just led in bed feeling absolutely awful sad
How do I even address this ?
It feels pointless even arguing I know 100% it’ll get turned round on me

NoSauce Fri 12-Jul-19 20:48:17

Arrange to meet a friend on Sunday for lunch on your own. DO IT. He will never change if you let him keep getting away with doing nothing for his own child.

Newkyred Fri 12-Jul-19 20:53:37

I don’t even feel like I need that time away from DS I enjoy every minute I knew what I was signing up for
Just feel so worthless and rubbish tonight.
Still not even had a text

Blueuggboots Fri 12-Jul-19 20:54:13

You need to address this now. Your partner is an absolute arse.

TitsInAbsentia Fri 12-Jul-19 20:54:19

He's childishly rebelling because you made him look after his own child

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