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DS 16 wants to move to XH as easier option - am furious!

(100 Posts)
Kangaroo1970 Fri 12-Jul-19 17:49:55

I’m so mad but what can I do?

I feel like I’ve grafted and put so much into parenting, and yet what’s the point? I fear DS is throwing away his Exams, his future at Uni, and our good relationship because his Dad has basically told him that it’s okay, he doesn’t have to pass exams as he can come and work for him and live there. DS is bright, but struggles. He just doesn’t like studying, like a lot of kids, but he has potential, all his teachers agree, if he just knuckles down a bit more.

I also feel rejected.

XH lives 300 miles away, and has never been a ‘parent’, more like my sons ‘best mate’ and gives him everything and me nothing. Minimal, missed maintenances, absolutely no parenting, and so nasty and critical of me that I eventually had to go NC. XH works when he feels like it, as he got an inheritance from his Mum, and lives in a house paid for by his girlfriends wealthy parents. So he’s been telling DS that money doesn’t matter, that only do work he loves, that exams are rubbish. He’s also been guilt tripping DS by saying that I’ve had him for his life and he misses him and wants to spend time with him etc.

I’ve been telling DS he’s got to study and his head is just now filled with crap fro his Dad. He will say ‘I just want to go and play PS4’, and every time I talk about what he wants to do, he just rubbishes any job and says ‘it’s got to one he really loves’. He’s moaned to his Dad, and they’ve made a plan for him to go live there!

We broke up when our son was 1 years old. I’ve parented him single handed, with little help, all his life. I am concerned that DS is going to end up like his Dad!

Help! What do I do?!

growlingbear Fri 12-Jul-19 17:53:03

That is so, so tough on you, but maybe you could let him go over this summer and tell him he is welcome to change his mind at any time, that the door is wide open. Maybe he needs to spend more time with his dad to appreciate what a good parent is and what a lazy arse his dad is. He will spot the difference, you know.

Northernparent68 Fri 12-Jul-19 17:54:05

Maybe you need to let him make his own choices and mistakes. If you keep on at him it’ll make living with his father the better option

Wasrelaxing Fri 12-Jul-19 17:54:46

Gosh what a hard place to be in.
I guess if you say he can’t go then you are going to be the ‘horrible one’
I know it would break your heart but could you say that it is ok for him to go to his dads but he has to do 6th form/uni from there.
Then he can choose what he wants to do after that?

mummmy2017 Fri 12-Jul-19 17:54:56

Send him, he will soon miss life and friends.

Waveysnail Fri 12-Jul-19 17:57:56

How old is dc

Purpleartichoke Fri 12-Jul-19 17:59:35

I wish I had some solid advice. If his dad wasn’t a crap parent, your son wouldn’t really have the option of destroying his own future. Maybe try to show him the financial reality of your x’s life, including pointing out what a horrible job he has done supporting his own child financially.

AtSea1979 Fri 12-Jul-19 18:00:40

Gosh, this is my worst nightmare and I imagine every single parents worst nightmare. So sorry OP, I don’t think there’s anything you can do. Just let him know how much you love him and that’s he’s always welcome back.

IamtheOA Fri 12-Jul-19 18:02:40

Has he finished his exams then? So he wants to go to college and live with his dad?
Maybe let him go for summer? See how it goes?

BigVern1 Fri 12-Jul-19 18:07:19

Agree with the people saying let him go for the summer and give him time to think about things.

Not really a great deal you can do.

Don’t over push him on college/Uni either. If he doesn’t like studying then maybe something else will suit him better, like an apprenticeship or something

Kangaroo1970 Fri 12-Jul-19 18:07:24

DS is 16. I’ve told him straight I think he’s choosing to run away from his exams. He told me that I put too much on passing exams... everything he’s been saying for a while sounds just like his father talking. angry

I’ve told him I love him and I’ve been honest and said that I’m worried, that it is a mistake. I told DS that his Dad hasn’t parented him all these years, so doesn’t know stuff that’s important (like he has a vulnerability around drinking, which me and DS have worked through positively).

Dontsweatthelittlestuff Fri 12-Jul-19 18:07:32

He is 16 and not going to destroy his whole life if he doesn’t know what career path he wants to follow now.

As hard as it is if he wants to live with his dad you can’t really stop him. Just make sure he knows the door is always open if he wants to come back.

So just get him through his exams and if he fails it might be the wake up call he needs or he might just decide that doing something practical will suit him better and look at apprenticeships.

OKBobble Fri 12-Jul-19 18:09:25

Has he just done his gcses? I might call their bluff and let him go. Dad will soon get fed up of having to be responsible. GF might not be that impressed or aware the offer has been made. I suspect DS may come back with tail between his legs when he realises the grass isn't always greener.

gamerchick Fri 12-Jul-19 18:11:04

Let him go for the summer. The entire summer.
I'd hazard a guess his dad will be shoehorning him home when reality sets in and his girlfriend objects.

If he decides to go and live with him then let him know the door is always open.

SandyY2K Fri 12-Jul-19 18:13:00

Is he in the UK? If so at 16 he would have done his GCSEs now.

Does your son have any positive male role models in his life?

It seems your Ex will teach him to find a rich woman to live off.

JonSlow Fri 12-Jul-19 18:14:11

Let him go, he will soon come to his senses and realise his mistake. Exams can be retaken. Apprentices offer an amazing opportunity these days. His decision will not be a permanent mistake.

If you try and force him to stay, it’ll always be brought up in every argument, it will breed resentment.

Kangaroo1970 Fri 12-Jul-19 18:18:39

I think the plan is there after his GCSEs in a year. DS is using it as an excuse not to study, and refused all the extra help I’d lined up this summer. I’m not sure as his Dad has, as usual, shared nothing with me.

He wouldn’t want him all this summer! He spends it abroad and in festivals with GF. DS has only, in fact, seen him for 6 days total this year.

Of course I don’t mind if he doesn’t know his career path yet. It’s this insidious, not bothering at all and insistence that any job must be ‘fantastic’. It worries me. His teachers are pulling their hair out, saying his attitude has totally changed and he’s not bothering.

Esspee Fri 12-Jul-19 18:19:59

OKBobble and gamerchick have the right idea. Send him to his dad for the summer. I'm willing to bet he will return with his tail between his legs.

Kangaroo1970 Fri 12-Jul-19 18:20:07

Apologies ‘the plan is to move there after his GCSEs’. I think DS can the say ‘he tried’ but it’s his excuse not to try. Like a big fat carrot encouraging him to fail.

sweeneytoddsrazor Fri 12-Jul-19 18:22:36

Best thing to do is let him go. Teĺl him you love him, tell him you will miss him but you understand he needs to find his own way, and tell him he will always have a home with you. That way when it (inevitably) goes wrong he can come back and get ba k on track. He will not ruin the rest of his life by making a mistake at 16 especially if he has your support.. If you try and scupper this he may well go ahead and do it anyway, then when it goes wrong he may not feel he can admit it and come back to you.

Kangaroo1970 Fri 12-Jul-19 18:22:38

@purpleartichoke yes I even said that recently. Told him his Dad was able to live working very little, because he had no mortgage and paid me a pittance. DS would not hear of it.

Chocolateychocolate Fri 12-Jul-19 18:23:01

Op, this happened to me two years ago when my ds was 14. Also his dad lives 300 miles away. My DS still lives there now.

Good luck, hope he sees sense.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz Fri 12-Jul-19 18:23:52

Definitely suggest all school holidays. It'll be crap for you but may well open ds eyes.

Maybe suggest that if he applies himself to his exams and hits whatever his predicted grades are then you will /insert whatever you can afford or think he will like here/ be that cash or a trip somewhere or even just a new pair of trainers to take to dad's.

Kangaroo1970 Fri 12-Jul-19 18:23:54

Yes I don’t think that I can say ‘you can’t go’. I have said it’s a bad idea though.

Chocolateychocolate Fri 12-Jul-19 18:23:57

Am now seeing him around every 8-10 weeks sad , and am paying hundreds in maintenance.

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