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Have I just been ditched by a good friend?

(47 Posts)
urbanlife Fri 12-Jul-19 13:53:32

We have just finished school. City prep, some dc move on to next schools at 13, others at 11. DD is moving now aged 11.

We have been there since the dc were 2yrs old at nursery, so we both have lots of friends, we organised a disco for the year before leaving.

One of my closest friends, a family we have been close to since the beginning, and dds get on well (although both are part of different friendship groups etc) We go on holiday every summer, every easter have one or the other for dinner and without fail we see them every new year. I considered her to be a very good friend.

My friend has been fine, and up until a week ago everything has been pretty normal. However they did not turn up to the disco for the leavers. My friend said she was out with her other friends that day. I thought it was a little strange, as I would have thought she would want to be there as it was our last dat, but anyway I understood she may not be able to make it.
I asked her if she is coming to my house for a bbq planned over the weekend (she has originally said yes), she said now she has made plans elsewhere.
I saw her in passing with friends, and she barely spoke to me.

I honestly don't know why she would do this, only that she has form in the past when other friends have left, she took it very personally and was upset with them and stopped meeting up with them. I did not think she would be the same with us, as our friendship spans nearly twelve years.

I sent her a message to ask her if everything is okay, and got a very formal message back wishing me a good summer.

I don't know what to do. I feel she is angry we have left maybe, but hasn't said as much. I don't know whether to keep contacting her, or to leave it now.

I am now left wondering if I have served my purpose and she has moved on? Or is she right to be upset with me? Have I overlooked something?

AnchorDownDeepBreath Fri 12-Jul-19 13:56:55

It sounds like she's a bit of a fair weather friend when it comes to school parent friends. She's great when it's convenient and you've got something in common, but she steps back once that's over.

Her message about having a good summer and her removing of herself from your events is quite a clear sign that she doesn't envision you being close as you have been, and that she doesn't think you'll have much contact over the summer.

She doesn't necessarily sound upset, but she's politely brushing you off now.

School friends can be fickle at all ages thanks

IvanaPee Fri 12-Jul-19 13:59:25

She might be one of those people who don’t see the “point” in the friendship anymore because the common denominator is gone.

That sounds mad but I do know people with this attitude!

Cutantrim Fri 12-Jul-19 13:59:42

You have served your purpose OP.

Good riddance to her.

urbanlife Fri 12-Jul-19 14:00:32

I sense that too anchor I am really surprised, after all this time and the stuff we have been through. There is no sense that she is sad and she needn't be, we live within a mile of each other. It is just now she is suddenly busy.
We used to joke about being old together and drinking shots at 87! I am a little disappointed in her, and hurt.

MyOpinionIsValid Fri 12-Jul-19 14:00:56

You said your self that she has previously taken it personally when others have left. You children are just about of an age where they will have each others phone numbers and can carry on their friendship independently . It's a shame, but when a relationship only has one facet eg work, school its understandable; whats odd is that your relationship is so much deeper with shared holidays etc.

I'd let it go.

urbanlife Fri 12-Jul-19 14:02:38

ivana thats it! Whats the point of bothering now, she can spend more time with people that continue to serve a purpose. I feel sorry for her in some ways, as this isn't friendship, and annoyed that I have put a great deal of energy into 'us' over the years.

urbanlife Fri 12-Jul-19 14:03:40

I want to hold on to her and say please don't throw it all away. How sad is that! I must care much more than she does.

Pipandmum Fri 12-Jul-19 14:04:47

It seemed though that your friendship went beyond just having kids at the same school. But some people is just like that. Youve reached out to her, she has replied, just leave it.

BoredToday Fri 12-Jul-19 14:08:17

It's hard OP, but some people are just USER'S
I don't understand how someone can be like this but it's happened to me a couple of times in the past
Makes you not want to bother investing so much time and thought in a friendship again

Livebythecoast Fri 12-Jul-19 14:09:28

You haven't missed anything OP apart from her being extremely fickle.
I agree with anchor; if someone text 'have a good Summer' I would assume that meant 'I won't be seeing you'.
Very sad for you when you thought you had a good friendship but I would leave it now and don't chase her. I'm sorry flowers

urbanlife Fri 12-Jul-19 14:11:07

cut I will try and let it go, but I am properly quite sad about it.
Pip Do I reply? I don't know what to say. Maybe nothing.
bored I didn't have her down as a user, but she must have been. Why do I feel so crap? Its not like I have been a horrible person.

urbanlife Fri 12-Jul-19 14:13:21

live Pathetic that I am a grown woman and sound like a teenager, but I didn't count on losing her as a friend at any point, and its not like I can even fix it, we haven't had a falling out or anything. It can't be fixed if I am past my sell by date. I have been an exceptionally good friend to her.

ThomasFurious Fri 12-Jul-19 14:14:26

Sounds like she has rejection issues.

Lightsabre Fri 12-Jul-19 14:15:07

I had a 'friend' like that too. Occasional texts now but nothing like the relationship we used to have. I found out she was like this with someone else whose child went off to what was perceived to be a 'better' school. Could it be that?

MayFayner Fri 12-Jul-19 14:16:12

I’m not in the UK so I don’t understand the school system exactly, but has your DD got a place at a secondary school through academic achievement where hers hasn’t?

Or something along those lines? You are moving to a more prestigious school? This smacks of jealous/ insecure behaviour to me.

ThorosOfMyr Fri 12-Jul-19 14:18:18

No I personally wouldn't respond to her message at all.

FudgeBrownie2019 Fri 12-Jul-19 14:18:57

As awful as it is, I think some people really are just arseholes in kittens clothing and as soon as they're ready, they expose who they really are. You can keep trying and texting and replying but you know now what she is; you know how little she values you (and you sound lovely, so don't beat yourself up or worry you weren't good enough for her). She really is just a bit of a knob.

If your DD asks about the friendship, tell her the truth that some friends are temporary and that you've been hurt by her treatment of you, so that if she crosses paths with the DC of this "friend" she'll know that it's not anything she's done.

Livebythecoast Fri 12-Jul-19 14:19:08

Please don't think you're pathetic. You counted her as a good friend but the friendship obviously meant more to you than her and says more about her than you.
It's horrible when you think you know someone and then something like this happens.

justasking111 Fri 12-Jul-19 14:21:07

Crikey, DS and friends split up to a number of different schools at secondary level. The parents and kids still got together regularly, they are now going to each others 18th birthday events.

Forget it OP she is not a good friend.

Nanny0gg Fri 12-Jul-19 14:22:36

I'd be angry, not sad.

And I'd want to tell her what I thought of her too.

Will you cross paths in two years' time?

growlingbear Fri 12-Jul-19 14:24:35

I knew someone like this. She was - is - actually a lovely woman who has Aspberger's and the change when someone leaves is something that hits her emotionally like a ton of bricks. She just can't ever speak to them again. She warned me of this when she told me she could no longer speak to a friend who stopped volunteering with her at a community thing. Then when I moved on from some work we did together before she expected me to, she cut me dead. She will walk past me at school as if I don't exist. I actually don't think she means it badly, it's her way of coping. Could your friend be really upset you are moving on? (It's not reasonable or fair if you were so close but it could be an explanation.)

Herocomplex Fri 12-Jul-19 14:25:53

I wonder if she’s got in there first? Some people are so frightened of being dropped they do the dropping preemptively.
It’s up to you, you could send her a bunch of flowers, tell her that you’re sorry that she’s not free to see you anymore, and that you’ll miss her. Or you could chalk it up to experience and just move on, a bit sadder and wiser.

MikeUniformMike Fri 12-Jul-19 14:26:04

Waste no more time thinking about it.

Bluntness100 Fri 12-Jul-19 14:26:41

I have to be honest. Your phrasing made me think you were thr child. Because you say we were at school, we are leaving, it is our last day. But it seems from the responses it's not you it's your daughter who is at school, who is leaving, whose last day it is?

Either way it seems for some reason she's ended your friendship.

Mummyoflittledragon Fri 12-Jul-19 14:31:00

She may well have rejections issues as Thomas says and this is her way of getting in first. This sounds like a pattern. She will be spinning this in her head as you rejecting her though.

If you want to send her a message, send a kind one. You have nothing to lose as you’ve already been rejected. Maybe something simple and along the lines of. “I am really sad this is the end of an era. I really hope we can stay friends. I really do value your friendship.” If you do want to stay friends, I definitely wouldn’t comment on her recent communication. These are probably protection. If you bring them up, she will likely shut down.

Doriana Fri 12-Jul-19 14:43:43

TBH I don't think this is that uncommon. Lots of parents are friendly whilst your DC are part of their DCs circle at school but drop you or relegate you to "we must meet up sometime" status once your DC has changed schools. They just don't see the point in continuing the acquaintance.

Not something to take personally I would have thought

INeedNewShoes Fri 12-Jul-19 14:50:46

It's something I've noticed that people either tend to be the type to maintain friendships once an era has ended or they prefer to cut ties and move on.

I'm in the former category but have twice had people I considered to be good friends resist keeping in touch once our original reason for meeting had ended. I found it hard to accept at the time but I understand it a bit better now and can see that it comes down to lots of factors including personality type.

Try not to take it personally.

Lauriestory Fri 12-Jul-19 14:50:48

I have experienced similar recently.

I have a very good friend, one of my closest friends - our friendship went from acquaintances to very good friends when our first children were born. I had another fairly quickly and she waited a few years - our eldest children started school last year and she essentially ditched me as I was no longer most suited to her lifestyle, she made it clear she wanted to make friends at the school gate with younger children the same age as her youngest.

We’re still friends but it’s not the same. It really stung and I found it almost unbelievable as it’s the total opposite of my attitude to friendship but now I have got used to it and chalked it up to experience.

I’m sorry it’s happening to you too, it sucks.

Doje Fri 12-Jul-19 14:51:00

I'd give it another bash OP, especially if you enjoy the friendship. Send her a message and see if she wants to meet up for a coffee, or a glass of wine and a catchup one evening. She might just need a bit of encouragement. Or she might just be a bit busy!

Rachelover40 Fri 12-Jul-19 14:56:42

She might be one of those people who don’t see the “point” in the friendship anymore because the common denominator is gone.

That sounds mad but I do know people with this attitude!

I've come across this too, it does seem strange but not much anyone can do about it.

Another thing I've heard about is friends finding the friendship too full on, and backing away. They still like the person but prefer not to be involved any more because they can't cope.

Yet another is a feeling that person knows too much about them and suddenly they feel exposed and insecure.

Nowt as queer as folk.

stillashamed30yearslater Fri 12-Jul-19 14:57:03

There is a saying that ‘friends come into our life for a reason, a season or a lifetime’. It seems that for your friend you were there for the reason or the season only. It’s sad, but it doesn’t mean that you weren’t genuinely friends while it lasted.

Idontwanttotalk Fri 12-Jul-19 14:59:46

So, if you usually go on holiday together every summer, when is this normally arranged?

Do you think she may have just assumed that leaving the school means you will be leaving your friendship behind?

I'd possibly text her and say that you hope just because DD has left school, you'll still be able to see each other as often and that you value the friendship.

Something about this just makes me feel your friend may be feeling insecure and hurt and is getting in first and dumping your friendship before you do. (Childish I know but adults often are).

RB68 Fri 12-Jul-19 15:13:08

Believe people when they tell you who they are - sounds like a social networker rather than a friend in my view.

Upanddownandroundagain Fri 12-Jul-19 15:16:24

Is there any chance she feels offended by something? I’ve been kicked out of a school clique because I turned them down for one of their play dates. I ended up calling them on it and they blamed me. We had very different views of the same event. So is there any chance she thinks you’ve done something? I’m just saying this to be devils advocate, I hope you don’t mind x

floribunda18 Fri 12-Jul-19 15:16:35

I think you just have to ask her directly. If you are such good friends, it shouldn't be a problem to ask her.

Derbee Fri 12-Jul-19 15:21:00

You’ve got nothing to lose, so you may as well see if you can get to the bottom of it. I couldn’t let it go - it would make me either sad or cross, depending on my mood! I’d probably text something along the lines of “Hi X, can’t help feeling things are a bit off at the moment. Is everything ok?” If she replies honestly, you have the opening of a discussion to sort it out. If she sends another brush off formal reply along the lines of have a good summer I’d write back and say “Thanks we will. Baffled about what’s happened, but you always know where I am!”

I’d always try not to fall out with someone I cared about. She may be a user, in which case you’ll be better off. Or she might be going through something and handling it badly, in which case the door has been left open for her to come back when she’s sorted herself out

Frouby Fri 12-Jul-19 15:25:23

I had a good friend like that when dd was small. Our girls went through nursery right through to year 6. We hung out in the holidays, she used to spend most summers at mine on the garden with both her dcs, we had many bbqs at my house, did afterschool stuff together and the girls were best friends. We moved house halfway through year 6, the girls stayed in contact, had them over for a meal as a family a few times, then she stopped replying to texts, stopped commenting on fb posts, replied they were busy when invited anywhere.

Dunno what changed, think the girls starting secondary and organising their own social lives meant she didn't need us anymore. Was sad for about 3 days then thought fuck it. Her loss not mine.

Notcopingwellhere Fri 12-Jul-19 15:31:58

You say you went on holiday together every year? With your respective husbands/partners? This was your main summer family holiday or some sort of extra trip? (Skiing maybe?) That says much more than a school gates friendship to me, how odd. But why do you not already have this year’s holiday arranged?

GinkPin Fri 12-Jul-19 15:32:31

You sound close.

Send her a 'jokey' text along the lines of...

"Hmmmm anyone would think you were trying to ditch me now that DD is leaving school?' (insert: passive/aggressive smiley face). When are you free then Missus?"

That's what I"d do.

jeanne16 Fri 12-Jul-19 15:59:29

It sounds to me as though your DC has gained a place at a sought after private secondary school at 11 leaving her DD to try to gain a place at 13. She is probably very stressed about this and your presence reminds her of this. The U.K. school system is sufficiently competitive and stressful that it does cause parental friendships to fracture.

This happened with a friend of mine. While we managed to stay friends, it was never quite the same afterwards.

Rafflesway Fri 12-Jul-19 16:03:10

I would reply purely with, "Yes, you too."

Then just leave it!

Pinkblanket Fri 12-Jul-19 16:13:04

I think being ditched is different to friendships moving on, and that friendships do move on as life changes. I would try not to take it too personally.

urbanlife Fri 12-Jul-19 16:24:11

Definitely not jealousy issues, as dd is going to be a good school but not one that would make anyone say wow or anything.

fudge arseholes in kittens clothing made me laugh so much!
Just This was the outcome I thought it would be. Luckily we have other friends, but still, I really like her and all of the dc etc.
Nanny I would love to call her and ask her what the problem is, that is more in line with my style as a person, but I know her well enough to guess she won't tell me, she'll gloss over it. She won't like being called out on shitty behaviour.

Hero I wonder if that could be right, she is getting in first, because in her mind we are moving on. I have been thinking about sending her something just to see, but would feel even worse if this was ignored as well.

MingeOnFire Fri 12-Jul-19 16:25:19

Have you posted about this before? Your DC got into a good school and was being left out as leaving before the others?

urbanlife Fri 12-Jul-19 16:28:20

minge No dd has had a great time at school. All good on that front. Friend's dd is being nice. No problems there.

urbanlife Fri 12-Jul-19 16:42:16

Thanks for your replies. Sorry that others had this happen to them sad It is crap.

I am in two minds now. One half thinking it is worth keeping the door open as she could be feeling protective, the other thinking I have been played and should keep what is left of my dignity!!

We had a great time together. Good friends, she is life and soul anyway, so it is not difficult to like her. Everyone does. We have a very similar outlook too. I just did not imagine our friendship ending up on the scrapheap.

We go away together most summers with dc and dh, not every summer but often. Always had a good time. I couldn't do it this year as we have a family 'destination' wedding. She was totally cool about not going. She is going with other friends now.

What do I do? It is not the end of the world, no one died, but she was a friend I could pick up the phone and say everything has gone to shit can you come over, and vica versa.

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