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Have I just been ditched by a good friend?

(47 Posts)
urbanlife Fri 12-Jul-19 13:53:32

We have just finished school. City prep, some dc move on to next schools at 13, others at 11. DD is moving now aged 11.

We have been there since the dc were 2yrs old at nursery, so we both have lots of friends, we organised a disco for the year before leaving.

One of my closest friends, a family we have been close to since the beginning, and dds get on well (although both are part of different friendship groups etc) We go on holiday every summer, every easter have one or the other for dinner and without fail we see them every new year. I considered her to be a very good friend.

My friend has been fine, and up until a week ago everything has been pretty normal. However they did not turn up to the disco for the leavers. My friend said she was out with her other friends that day. I thought it was a little strange, as I would have thought she would want to be there as it was our last dat, but anyway I understood she may not be able to make it.
I asked her if she is coming to my house for a bbq planned over the weekend (she has originally said yes), she said now she has made plans elsewhere.
I saw her in passing with friends, and she barely spoke to me.

I honestly don't know why she would do this, only that she has form in the past when other friends have left, she took it very personally and was upset with them and stopped meeting up with them. I did not think she would be the same with us, as our friendship spans nearly twelve years.

I sent her a message to ask her if everything is okay, and got a very formal message back wishing me a good summer.

I don't know what to do. I feel she is angry we have left maybe, but hasn't said as much. I don't know whether to keep contacting her, or to leave it now.

I am now left wondering if I have served my purpose and she has moved on? Or is she right to be upset with me? Have I overlooked something?

AnchorDownDeepBreath Fri 12-Jul-19 13:56:55

It sounds like she's a bit of a fair weather friend when it comes to school parent friends. She's great when it's convenient and you've got something in common, but she steps back once that's over.

Her message about having a good summer and her removing of herself from your events is quite a clear sign that she doesn't envision you being close as you have been, and that she doesn't think you'll have much contact over the summer.

She doesn't necessarily sound upset, but she's politely brushing you off now.

School friends can be fickle at all ages thanks

IvanaPee Fri 12-Jul-19 13:59:25

She might be one of those people who don’t see the “point” in the friendship anymore because the common denominator is gone.

That sounds mad but I do know people with this attitude!

Cutantrim Fri 12-Jul-19 13:59:42

You have served your purpose OP.

Good riddance to her.

urbanlife Fri 12-Jul-19 14:00:32

I sense that too anchor I am really surprised, after all this time and the stuff we have been through. There is no sense that she is sad and she needn't be, we live within a mile of each other. It is just now she is suddenly busy.
We used to joke about being old together and drinking shots at 87! I am a little disappointed in her, and hurt.

MyOpinionIsValid Fri 12-Jul-19 14:00:56

You said your self that she has previously taken it personally when others have left. You children are just about of an age where they will have each others phone numbers and can carry on their friendship independently . It's a shame, but when a relationship only has one facet eg work, school its understandable; whats odd is that your relationship is so much deeper with shared holidays etc.

I'd let it go.

urbanlife Fri 12-Jul-19 14:02:38

ivana thats it! Whats the point of bothering now, she can spend more time with people that continue to serve a purpose. I feel sorry for her in some ways, as this isn't friendship, and annoyed that I have put a great deal of energy into 'us' over the years.

urbanlife Fri 12-Jul-19 14:03:40

I want to hold on to her and say please don't throw it all away. How sad is that! I must care much more than she does.

Pipandmum Fri 12-Jul-19 14:04:47

It seemed though that your friendship went beyond just having kids at the same school. But some people is just like that. Youve reached out to her, she has replied, just leave it.

BoredToday Fri 12-Jul-19 14:08:17

It's hard OP, but some people are just USER'S
I don't understand how someone can be like this but it's happened to me a couple of times in the past
Makes you not want to bother investing so much time and thought in a friendship again

Livebythecoast Fri 12-Jul-19 14:09:28

You haven't missed anything OP apart from her being extremely fickle.
I agree with anchor; if someone text 'have a good Summer' I would assume that meant 'I won't be seeing you'.
Very sad for you when you thought you had a good friendship but I would leave it now and don't chase her. I'm sorry flowers

urbanlife Fri 12-Jul-19 14:11:07

cut I will try and let it go, but I am properly quite sad about it.
Pip Do I reply? I don't know what to say. Maybe nothing.
bored I didn't have her down as a user, but she must have been. Why do I feel so crap? Its not like I have been a horrible person.

urbanlife Fri 12-Jul-19 14:13:21

live Pathetic that I am a grown woman and sound like a teenager, but I didn't count on losing her as a friend at any point, and its not like I can even fix it, we haven't had a falling out or anything. It can't be fixed if I am past my sell by date. I have been an exceptionally good friend to her.

ThomasFurious Fri 12-Jul-19 14:14:26

Sounds like she has rejection issues.

Lightsabre Fri 12-Jul-19 14:15:07

I had a 'friend' like that too. Occasional texts now but nothing like the relationship we used to have. I found out she was like this with someone else whose child went off to what was perceived to be a 'better' school. Could it be that?

MayFayner Fri 12-Jul-19 14:16:12

I’m not in the UK so I don’t understand the school system exactly, but has your DD got a place at a secondary school through academic achievement where hers hasn’t?

Or something along those lines? You are moving to a more prestigious school? This smacks of jealous/ insecure behaviour to me.

ThorosOfMyr Fri 12-Jul-19 14:18:18

No I personally wouldn't respond to her message at all.

FudgeBrownie2019 Fri 12-Jul-19 14:18:57

As awful as it is, I think some people really are just arseholes in kittens clothing and as soon as they're ready, they expose who they really are. You can keep trying and texting and replying but you know now what she is; you know how little she values you (and you sound lovely, so don't beat yourself up or worry you weren't good enough for her). She really is just a bit of a knob.

If your DD asks about the friendship, tell her the truth that some friends are temporary and that you've been hurt by her treatment of you, so that if she crosses paths with the DC of this "friend" she'll know that it's not anything she's done.

Livebythecoast Fri 12-Jul-19 14:19:08

Please don't think you're pathetic. You counted her as a good friend but the friendship obviously meant more to you than her and says more about her than you.
It's horrible when you think you know someone and then something like this happens.

justasking111 Fri 12-Jul-19 14:21:07

Crikey, DS and friends split up to a number of different schools at secondary level. The parents and kids still got together regularly, they are now going to each others 18th birthday events.

Forget it OP she is not a good friend.

Nanny0gg Fri 12-Jul-19 14:22:36

I'd be angry, not sad.

And I'd want to tell her what I thought of her too.

Will you cross paths in two years' time?

growlingbear Fri 12-Jul-19 14:24:35

I knew someone like this. She was - is - actually a lovely woman who has Aspberger's and the change when someone leaves is something that hits her emotionally like a ton of bricks. She just can't ever speak to them again. She warned me of this when she told me she could no longer speak to a friend who stopped volunteering with her at a community thing. Then when I moved on from some work we did together before she expected me to, she cut me dead. She will walk past me at school as if I don't exist. I actually don't think she means it badly, it's her way of coping. Could your friend be really upset you are moving on? (It's not reasonable or fair if you were so close but it could be an explanation.)

Herocomplex Fri 12-Jul-19 14:25:53

I wonder if she’s got in there first? Some people are so frightened of being dropped they do the dropping preemptively.
It’s up to you, you could send her a bunch of flowers, tell her that you’re sorry that she’s not free to see you anymore, and that you’ll miss her. Or you could chalk it up to experience and just move on, a bit sadder and wiser.

MikeUniformMike Fri 12-Jul-19 14:26:04

Waste no more time thinking about it.

Bluntness100 Fri 12-Jul-19 14:26:41

I have to be honest. Your phrasing made me think you were thr child. Because you say we were at school, we are leaving, it is our last day. But it seems from the responses it's not you it's your daughter who is at school, who is leaving, whose last day it is?

Either way it seems for some reason she's ended your friendship.

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