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Should my dad look after my sister (34) after a big operation? I think he is being ridiculously selfish.

(205 Posts)
Chillijamntuna Fri 12-Jul-19 05:03:33

My sister has lived abroad for many years in the French alps, she does downhill mountain biking and is very into the young exciting lifestyle.

She has been very bitter that my dad has only visited her once since she moved there in her twenties (it's quite an expensive resort) I suppose because she was the young free and single one, partying, working in bars and flat sharing, she has always popped back to the UK each year so me and my dad (Mum died) have been a bit shit and lazyI suppose (I have had money struggles and been gaining qualifications for 5 years) and she is pissed off and increasingly angry with me and mainly him about this.

Anyway, recently my dad said he'd bought a passport and was going to go and stay with her later in the summer.
Yesterday, she broke her collar bone in 3 places and will soon be going for surgery to repair it with pins and plates.

I said to my dad (thinking it would be an amazing opportunity for him to 'show up' for her) that he could bring his trip backwards and go out there to take care of her as she recovers from her operation.

He reacted SO strangely, he said "well she can't pick me up from the airport so that's £80 for starters on top of two flight to/from France in peak season" then how am I going to get from where she lives to the hospital, the hospital's in another town and what am I going to do when she gets out?" I said "err take care of her, show her that you care, make her cups of tea, help her with practical stuff" he said "well she's got loads of mates can't they just make her a cup of tea?" she doesn't really have mates that she can ask for help, they've all started having babies now and she is also very full of bravado and can't ask for help if it kills her.

I said that it wasn't really to do with money/ practical stuff/ cups of tea it was to do with showing he cares (she often feels he doesn't)

Anyway, I have just had surgery today myself, I am literally bankrupt at the moment and have a two year old but I will go out to care for her if he doesn't. He is living with his partner, in her house paying a portion of rent, has no debts/money worries, owns a property outright, is working a lot and enjoying life in the sense of buying himself things.

To be honest, I'm quite baffled at how selfish he is being. He then got all shirty and said "I'm a good dad". So odd and childish.

The backstory is pretty long so I'll spare you but he brought us up single handedly so maybe he now wants to do what he wants to do but we've never been needy and both me and my sister have always stood on our own two feet and not asked for anything as adults.

IABU to suggest that he do this?

brainfrying Fri 12-Jul-19 05:16:29

YANBU. I wouldn't think twice about it or how much it costs if my DD was in that situation. It sounds as though he is not very well travelled and maybe the thought of how he would go about it sounds too much for him. Do you think you could offer to help him plan it?

SausageEggAndSpam Fri 12-Jul-19 05:17:45

He was going to go and see her soon anyway, so I think he should do the decent thing and go now.

I can understand that navigating round a foreign country on your own can be daunting and he originally must have planned for her to help with that. But she needs him.

F2Feee Fri 12-Jul-19 05:30:51

I think yabvu. She wont be able to do much and he will be in a foreign country trying to find his way about. And should he sit around making cues of tea, cleaning her house, help her to the bathroom? I dont think he should do that. Sounds like the airport thing is an excuse, he doesnt want to do that and your sister needs to sort out actual care help.

user1483387154 Fri 12-Jul-19 05:36:36

sorry but for the financial part alone yabu. if you were literally bankrupt and out of money there is no way you would be able to help either. I sure as hell couldn't afford all the extra costs involved and wouldn't be able to do it for my family.

Mummyoflittledragon Fri 12-Jul-19 05:46:36

Idk how much help your sister will actually need. So perhaps she could work that out before you go all guns blazing and dictating to your father or even going over yourself.

I had a hysterectomy ie major abdominal surgery last year. Dh took a week off work and that was great. For context I was opened from pubic bone to above my belly button, which is far worse than what you are describing. Then I had a second op as the entire wound herniated. Dh had to work this time and I had no help beyond people having dd after school some evenings and others bringing her home after school. I also had to feed her etc.

I’m still recovering almost 6 months on as these ops are far more invasive than what you are describing.

The main thing I needed was a supply of food tbh. If your sister can get someone to take her home and ready meals delivered, I imagine she should be fine. The other thing is drinks. Having water bottles or bottled water is great so as to be able to rest.

I know surgery is daunting. Idk why your dad can’t face it. You cannot force him to. Maybe your time would be better spent discussing strategies with your sister.

floribunda18 Fri 12-Jul-19 05:51:42

I don't think he does care, very much. I can't imagine being in these circumstances and not going out to my daughter, tbh.

HennyPennyHorror Fri 12-Jul-19 05:52:08

She's got herself into a position which isn't practical hasn't she? LIving in a place with no family and only shallow friends.

It's a wake up call for her. Perhaps your Dad can't afford it?

I moved to Australia 4 years ago. I have DH;s family here as well as close friends of my own from years back.

None of my family have come to visit me once. I don't expect them to....it's my choice to live here. Of course I'd LIKE it but I wouldn;t EXPECT it.

If I got hurt, I'd have DH and his family plus my own friends.

Your sister has isolated herself.

makingmammaries Fri 12-Jul-19 05:55:43

There is almost certainly a shuttle bus from Geneva airport. Look at alpybus.com

Rachelover40 Fri 12-Jul-19 05:59:57

I didn't vote for reasonable or not unreasonable because I can see your point of view but also your father's.

He is probably intimidated by the idea of being in another country and having to look after your sister on his own. If she lived around the corner or even in the next town he'd probably do it in a shot but so far from home is quite different and scary.

I think your sister will be mobile when she returns home from hospital though will have a sling.

Maybe dad will go out there, he's aired his misgivings but will now seriously consider and make a decision. You say you would go but you've had surgery recently, are broke and have a small child - would you take your child with you, would it be a suitable environment for him/her being as your sister isn't on top form?

Many things to consider.

BurnedToast Fri 12-Jul-19 06:01:58

It's quite a leap to go from seeing someone once a year to going over to a foreign country and helping them recover from an op. It doesn't sound as though the three of you are that close. I think sometimes we have expectations of people with certain roles, like parents, but in truth the person doesn't live up to them. We can't all be the Brady bunch.

TitianaTitsling Fri 12-Jul-19 06:06:03

Sorry think yabvu- how good is your sisters set up for visitors to stay? Would it not be better for her to come 'home' to rehab? Think it's a bit odd of you to be judging him so much and harshly. As pp she's chosen to isolate her self with her 'party' lifestyle. If you are literally bankrupt how will you afford all the flights etc, most who are literally bankrupt can't afford to take a bus never mind trips to the Alps! Never ask this but are you the broken collar bone sister?!

SuzieQQQ Fri 12-Jul-19 06:07:33

I 100% think your dad is a selfish tight arse arsehole and is not a good dad at all! So no, yanbu. He has the opportunity to help and could easily but is thinking how it will impact him. I had a very similar experience with my mum who could have helped me and didn’t. Years later she said she regretted not being there for me. I was furious and said “well it was your choice not to be there and I had to get on with it and sort myself out because you and dad didn’t support me “. She looked very ashamed/guilty and never brought it up again. It seriously affected our relationship and I have sworn to myself I will never be so selfish as a parent myself. I have no idea what she was thinking. I needed her and she wasn’t there. Sadly of her own volition 😢

HennyPennyHorror Fri 12-Jul-19 06:10:14

Would it not be better for her to come 'home' to rehab?

This.

Chillijamntuna Fri 12-Jul-19 06:12:10

Thanks all.
She can't get home, how can she with a broken collar bone?
Maybe we're not that close but we're all she's got but yes she has isolated herself so I think IABU and IANBU!

GhostRidersInDisguise Fri 12-Jul-19 06:18:57

Why can't she come home with a broken collar bone? It's just a collar bone not two fractured femurs.

HennyPennyHorror Fri 12-Jul-19 06:19:42

Of course she can come home. She can book assistance from the airports to help with bags.

katewhinesalot Fri 12-Jul-19 06:20:40

Perhaps your dad could help you financially if you have to go over instead of him?
Why haven't you been over before?

Does your dad never go abroad on holiday? If he never does then perhaps there is a confidence issues and your sister shouldn't take it personally.

makingmammaries Fri 12-Jul-19 06:21:07

There are also coaches between the resorts and the nearest town (is it Annecy or Grenoble) so if he wanted to he could do it for sure. This resonates with me as my late dad never came after I moved out here.

Sirzy Fri 12-Jul-19 06:21:20

It’s a collar bone!

Presumably if he has only just got a passport he isn’t a seasoned traveller so it wouldn’t be an ideal time for a first time abroad alone. Could easily end more of a hinderance than a help.

I think if you move away from family, especially overseas, then you have to expect that will mean less support at such times because of the practicalities

EleanorReally Fri 12-Jul-19 06:23:11

Can he and his partner go? dare i say a female touch may be that is needed?

TitianaTitsling Fri 12-Jul-19 06:25:04

You say he still works so would his employers be happy with him just going away now? Would he even be able to? Will your sister get sick pay while she's not working and if not how will she fund her life out there?

Sirzy Fri 12-Jul-19 06:26:46

And have you actually asked your sister what she wants or have you just decided she needs a guardian angel to swoop in?

EggWrap Fri 12-Jul-19 06:26:58

I assume the injury is from her downhill biking or other extreme sport? My sympathy with injuries grinds to a dramatic halt when they are self inflicted. She shuns the boring life of family and reliable but boring friends, but wants the perks of it??

PotteringAlong Fri 12-Jul-19 06:29:41

She lives in France, as in the country just 21 miles over the water from England, and he’s only been to see her twice in 20 years?! How often have you been?!

Also, it’s not “home” for her rehabilitation. She’s lived there for 20 years! Her home is there!

PotteringAlong Fri 12-Jul-19 06:31:02

but yes she has isolated herself

Has she? Or have you and your dad isolated her by never going to France to see her?

TriptychDebbie Fri 12-Jul-19 06:32:53

Tbh my family's more like the Munsters grin

Toddlerteaplease Fri 12-Jul-19 06:37:14

Why can't she come home with a broken collar bone? It's just a collar bone not two fractured femurs.

Was just about to say the same thing!

sneakypinky Fri 12-Jul-19 06:37:14

If he hasn't got a passport it's likely he isn't a seasoned traveler.

If it was life threatening/life saving surgery I'd agree with you.

But it's not, it's her collarbone. There's no reason at all why she shouldn't come home to recover, which sounds far more practical.

You can't move countries and then complain that people don't visit, especially if one doesn't have a passport and one is bankrupt.

I don't see the problem with her coming home to visit, it's hardly the other side of the world. It's probably the same amount of time as driving London to Scotland.

FancyACarrot Fri 12-Jul-19 06:40:17

YABU, it's basically giving up his holiday. He finally gets out there only to bring someone food and cups of tea. That's very precious of you and your sister IMO. I wouldn't dream of expecting a relative to come from somewhere else in UK never mind abroad to be 'my carer' instead of having a holiday.

If your sister needs a carer as others have said she could come to the UK

Juells Fri 12-Jul-19 06:40:32

I think you should mind your own business. "Oh, you can travel to France and look after your daughter, get on with it." If he's elderly and doesn't speak French, why do you think it would be such a breeze for him to travel to the Alps, and do the travelling to and from hospital that he's described?

Why don't you take some time off work and do it, as it's so easy?

RhiWrites Fri 12-Jul-19 06:42:07

dare i say a female touch may be that is needed?

The fuck? Some random woman would be better than her dad because of the magical healing power of a woman’s touch? 🤮

Juells Fri 12-Jul-19 06:44:25

HRTFT when I posted, I see you've just had surgery, so can't go yourself. But honestly, if you move to furrin parts and take up dangerous sports and break something, you can't honestly expect someone to come and look after you. It's a broken bone, not major surgery.

Jennbot Fri 12-Jul-19 06:48:09

Having a fractured collar bone plated is hardly major surgery. I've had it done myself. She just have her arm in a sling for a week. She has a perfectly good other arm. No one looked after me as imdidnt need it. And no I wouldn't have expected anyone to fly out to nurse me. I actually broke bother of mine at the same time but only one needed plating.( knocked off my bike and landed on my back snapping both collar bones in half and splitting the back of my head open ) Yet still I managed to look after myself. How weird.

SciFiRules Fri 12-Jul-19 06:49:27

YABU. Why would a grown adult expect family to visit them having moved some distance away? I have family 100miles away and others around europe, it's nice when they visit but it's not expected similarly we visit when we can but it's not expected. A broken collar bone is nasty but not life threatening. Families are complicated, perhaps draw breath and be glad for the times you do have together.

allthegoodusernameshavegone Fri 12-Jul-19 06:50:22

YABVU let him be. Your Dsis gets to live the life she wants then expects family to come to her and your financial situation is not your DF issue either, grow up.

TheStuffedPenguin Fri 12-Jul-19 06:51:00

She is one of those ex pats who has ended up living away so long that her home is really there . Family ties get stretched in these scenarios and it takes a great deal of effort to maintain them year after year . I perfectly understand where your Dad is coming from ! You are expecting him to go to a place where he has never been and go to and fro . He has his own life and she is not a child !

Juells Fri 12-Jul-19 06:52:08

Yet still I managed to look after myself. How weird.

Yeah but some people seem to love organising other people, and deciding what they should do. I'm a nervous traveler, I'd come up with all sorts of excuses as well if one of my daughters was pressuring me to go to the Alps to look after the other one.

You're not the boss of your father.

TitianaTitsling Fri 12-Jul-19 06:52:24

Rhi now I've got that bloody song 🎶a woman's touch, a woman's touch the magic of Aladdin couldn't do as much🎶 stuck in my head... Agree 🤮

Belenus Fri 12-Jul-19 06:52:57

Presumably if he has only just got a passport he isn’t a seasoned traveller so it wouldn’t be an ideal time for a first time abroad alone. Could easily end more of a hinderance than a help.

This. He sounds scared and defensive. He may feel rejected because she moved away somewhere which is difficult for him to get to. Yes, some parts of France are 21 miles away from the English coast. The bit the OP's sister is in is hundreds of miles away. If she ended up continually helping him out he would be more hindrance than help.

I think you have to accept if you move that far from your family that you may limit how much help your family can give you.

ComeAndDance Fri 12-Jul-19 06:56:35

I’ve done ‘living in a different country than my family’ for years. First my parents moved away (with me a child), then I did then they did.

Your and your dad mistake there has been to make any effort to maintain that relationship. Yes you could have gone to see her. But it’s also the little things such as regular phone calls etc etc.

Your dad’s reaction is very much on the same line. He isn’t going there to see ‘her’. He is going there for a holiday where he is expecting her to pick him up, show him places etc.... So of course, he doesn’t want to go there to care for her!
I think his reaction is the sign of a relationship that has been slowly dying because it hasn’t been nurtured (assuming no other big issue where they’ve fallen out, childhood problems etc...). It’s up to him to decide whether he wants to do something about it or not.

FWIW, I think you need to be careful too. Granted you have a 2yo and have just had surgery. But you can still ring her, ask her how she is etc... and then make a plan to go and see her when you are BOTH better. At the very least, when she is coming to the UK, make space for her, ensure you are making time for her rather than ‘fitting her in’ etc....

LikeDolphinsCanSwin Fri 12-Jul-19 06:56:36

A broken collarbone shouldn’t need a live-in carer, or preclude her from coming home.

Messyisthenewtidy Fri 12-Jul-19 06:57:41

I don’t think your dad IBU to not go out there now but it’s a bit odd that he’s only been twice in 20 years.

SnuggyBuggy Fri 12-Jul-19 06:59:28

OP do you have this idea that if he goes over to care for your DSis that it could be the start of you all becoming a close family?

Isatis Fri 12-Jul-19 07:00:09

She can't get home, how can she with a broken collar bone?

Very easily, once it's pinned and plated. People stagger home regularly with worse injuries sustained on skiing holidays.

ComeAndDance Fri 12-Jul-19 07:00:29

Why would a grown adult expect family to visit them having moved some distance away?

Because that’s what you do when you care about people and want to nurture that relationship with them.
We’re not talking about any family member there but parent and child. As a parent, I would bloody make the effort to go and see my child. As a child, I would make sure i am in contact regularly with my parents. I would want a relationship with them and I would make seen them a priority.

Snog Fri 12-Jul-19 07:05:10

Yes he is being selfish but it's really up to him. Does your sister actually need looking after though?

TitianaTitsling Fri 12-Jul-19 07:06:09

Where's all the 20 years come from? The sis is 34? Did she leave to live abroad independently at 13/14?!

Birdie6 Fri 12-Jul-19 07:06:44

She can't get home, how can she with a broken collar bone?

Same way anyone else would - she'll have her arm in a sling, that's all.

cushioncovers Fri 12-Jul-19 07:06:43

Yabu

you're not close as a family.

Your father isn't a frequent traveler if he's only just got a passport and he's probably nervous doing the trip.
Your sister is used to having a minimal support system as she has lived there for many years by herself.

You can't force feelings that aren't there🤷🏻‍♀️

Proteinshakesandovieshat Fri 12-Jul-19 07:09:39

OP, did she come over to help you when you had surgery?

I think its a lot to ask someone who clearly doesnt travel abroad, to travel alone and navigate a new country to go care for someone.

Your reaction to this is because your sister is annoyed that you 2 dont go over there. If she wasnt annoyed about that, then you wouldnt be this worked up about it.

But she moved abroad. You cant expect to move abroad and then assume that people will come visit. She moved out there and created this lifestyle for herself. My best friend and I both have kids and both have managed to visit eachother in hospital.

Why has she only got fair weather friends. She has traded deep and solid relationships for her life style.

She could come home. There are other options.

At the end of the day it's not for you to organise everyone and tell them what they must do.

QueenofLouisiana Fri 12-Jul-19 07:10:05

My DDad moved abroad 25 years ago. While I love him and care about him greatly, my day to day life does not involve him. My life is based around my family here, my friends, my son’s life. I couldn’t drop everything to look after him, I wouldn’t want to travel the long distance on my own (although I travel frequently).

Your sister made a choice to move away, she set up her own life elsewhere and has enjoyed it. She isn’t a teenager who left 3 months ago, she’s a fully fledged adult.

Vibiano Fri 12-Jul-19 07:15:41

Your dad is not going to go.
I doubt your sister is expecting him to given how little he has bothered in the past.
I don't think she needs a carer, but some sympathy and a hug and a cup of tea might have been nice.
You just aren't a close family.

Medicaltextbook Fri 12-Jul-19 07:16:06

Yabu - I think thatyour DF objections have some merit. It will be very expensive and it is hard getting transport in a foreign country if you are not used to travelling.

You don’t mention asking your Dsis if she wants help from DF or you and if so whether she just wants to come back to the UK. If she does extreme sports that group may all help each other out - I suspect other people will have similar injuries.

Juells Fri 12-Jul-19 07:16:18

I can't see that he's being selfish at all. 'Er with the broken collarbone is an adult. He's obviously not comfortable with travelling on his own abroad.

The OP is being controlling and bossy, and I suspect she won't let the matter drop. Time to recognise that her father is a separate person with his own life at this stage.

Lindy2 Fri 12-Jul-19 07:16:59

I think when people choose to live abroad from their families then they do distance themselves a bit.
Your dad obviously isn't a big traveller and I can understand why he isn't keen to go right now. He's probably nervous about the journey and wants to have a holiday whilst he's there not be a carer. I think you're being a bit unfair especially as you won't do it yourself. If your sister needs a carer that much, perhaps she could pay your travel expenses instead so you can go.
Anyway although painful I don't think a broken collar bone is too debilitating. One arm will be strapped up but I think an independent and otherwise fit and healthy 34 year old will manage ok.

Sparkletastic Fri 12-Jul-19 07:22:08

She can come home. She would need a lift to the airport and help with her baggage but as long as she's able to walk and sit she can fly.

huuskymam Fri 12-Jul-19 07:22:32

My DS broke his collar bone when he was 10. As painful as it was, it was still very capable of doing things got himself. Your sister wont need much caring for.

londonrach Fri 12-Jul-19 07:22:33

Your dad sounds selfish not visiting his daughter in 20 years shes lived there. No wonder shes cross. My parents never visited us for ten years whilst we lived in london as didnt want to visit london. I explain theres trains, buses and very happy to collect and had spare room but no thry never did. I had to visit them. They visited my sister regularly. Totally get your sister here. Yourdad should visit his daughter as she needs him now and go someway to making up for his lack of interest in the last 20years. He needs to stop thinking about himself and start being a dad o your sister. Unlesstheres a back story eg he is disabled and not able to climb stairs in her flat house etc.

Socksontheradiator Fri 12-Jul-19 07:22:50

@TitianaTitsling op says sister moved there in her 20s, not 20 years ago.
I also think you YABU, OP. He's clearly not a seasoned traveller if he only just got his passport and while it would be nice for your sister, it doesn't sound like they are that close.

TitianaTitsling Fri 12-Jul-19 07:24:39

I knew that socks it's other posters who are berating father like above you stating Yourdad should visit his daughter as she needs him now and go someway to making up for his lack of interest in the last 20years !!

WitsEnding Fri 12-Jul-19 07:25:17

He's going to see her so they can spend time together, enjoy themselves and presumably so he can see where she lives and what her lifestyle is like. YAB totally U to suggest he moves his trip, and if I were your sister it would be the last thing I'd want.

It sounds as if you are trying to sound considerate because she's angry with you. This is a good chance for you to go out and help, so do it if you can afford to. Dont try to guilt trip your father into paying for it, your sister can pay if she wants to see you.

SuzieQQQ Fri 12-Jul-19 07:26:44

Those of you saying “it’s just a collarbone” it is very rare for a collarbone to need surgery. If surgery is needed it is undoubtedly a terrible break, will require plates, screws and time in hospital, a general anaesthetic, it’s a huge operation. The risk of infection is high. What is wrong with you all? Someone in this condition should not be jumping on a plane to make it more convenient for family members to look after her. What the fuck is wrong with you all?

Cyrusc Fri 12-Jul-19 07:28:51

YANBU OP, it would have been a great opportunity to show her he cares. People can feel vulnerable after an illness/accident and in times like that it really magnifies who truly cares about you.

It's bloody France not Papau New Guinea. If a grown man can't navigate a quick hop across the pond for his daughter there's something seriously wrong with him. He knows exactly what it will cost to get from the airport etc so he is familiar with the logistics, so ultimately it comes down to selfishness.

Juells Fri 12-Jul-19 07:30:12

Yourdad should visit his daughter as she needs him now and go someway to making up for his lack of interest in the last 20years. He needs to stop thinking about himself and start being a dad o your sister.

She's not a child. Why do so many people think that, as adults, they should be able to boss their parents around and organise their lives for them?

buckeejit Fri 12-Jul-19 07:30:21

I think he should go. If not, would he look after your 2 yo while you go?

Moral support will be really important for her right now. How about arranging a home help for now?

Cyrusc Fri 12-Jul-19 07:31:19

What the fuck is wrong with you all?

My thoughts exactly! Some very selfish, stingy people on here who clearly don't have close relationships with their children.

snowqu33n Fri 12-Jul-19 07:33:03

What @Comeanddance said.
She IS home. It would disrupt her life to come to the UK for rehab.
Your dad has been really crap not going out to see her until now. It’s more convenient to get there than it is to get to plenty of places in the UK, such as Orkney or some parts of the west of England, there’s probably a budget airline for a start.
YANBU for suggesting he go out to support her at this time. He is NBU to refuse if he can’t manage, but he is BU to do nothing for years then expect a cheap holiday. He sounds miserly.
DSIS hasn’t asked for help so she isn’t BU.
It’s unreasonable to use someone moving somewhere that offers them an opportunity for a good life as an excuse to forget they are family.
It’s not their fault the rest of the family chose to live in the UK. It won’t have been cheap for DSis to visit the UK all those times over the years and she won’t have been looked after as a tourist.
I suspect OP may now be questioning how much support the DF is providing to her, too, doesn’t sound as if he is helping her either.
He has trained them both to have few expectations of him. Why isn’t he helping out with his grandchild?

rwalker Fri 12-Jul-19 07:34:25

There not close and even though she's his daughter all but a stranger he see's once a year. probably feels awkward
By the sound of it he's never been abroad so the idea of navigating his way to your sister in a forgien country is a big deal.
think you are being very unfair on your dad. You want to go can't afford it and you are taking it out on your dad.

stucknoue Fri 12-Jul-19 07:36:25

Yanbu, if he cared he would realise that he could fly and take a bus to where she lives/the hospital etc flights to inland France aren't as expensive anyway. But with collarbones she won't be incapacitated really, it will restrict her biking activities etc but generally they don't even plaster, just a sling as it's a bit painful

BullBullBull Fri 12-Jul-19 07:36:32

Your sister sounds selfish tbh

Cyrusc Fri 12-Jul-19 07:37:00

By the sound of it he's never been abroad so the idea of navigating his way to your sister in a forgien country is a big deal.

He's been there before so that's no excuse.

Juells Fri 12-Jul-19 07:37:18

Some very selfish, stingy people on here who clearly don't have close relationships with their children.

The OP is making the same kind of excuses as her father. 'surgery' 'bankrupt'. She doesn't want to go herself, feels guilty, so she's trying to force him to go. I'm close to my sisters, but neither of them ever expected me to travel to look after them when they had operations on feet, or appendix, and the same when I had an op under GA. Adults look after themselves. FFS, this is a storm in a teacup, and could lead to a permanent falling out between the OP and her father. I wouldn't put up with that kind of bossiness from one of my adult children, it would drive a huge wedge between us.

Sceptre86 Fri 12-Jul-19 07:37:50

I can see that it might be daunting for your dad and also not the type of holiday he was hoping for. Her friends might surprise you and step up to the plate.

I have had 3 ops in my life and my mum has been there every single time. Not really a case of me asking her she just turns up and sorts me out. My dad who I am even closer too gets beside himself and struggles to see me in pain but has still helped me when I have been through surgery. Why wouldn't you do all that you can for your child? They might have a meals on wheels type of service where your sister lives, maybe something your dad could look into and pay for?

Juells Fri 12-Jul-19 07:38:44

He's been there before so that's no excuse.

He doesn't need an excuse. He's an adult, in charge of his own life.

SuzieQQQ Fri 12-Jul-19 07:38:45

@Cyrusc thank you! A sane person in amongst the chaos!

rookiemere Fri 12-Jul-19 07:39:33

Please don't go yourself. You said you were broke, recovering from an op yourself and have a young DD.

Look I get you Dsis is annoyed, I get that your DF is being a bit crap, but bankrupting yourself to get over isn't fair on your family. Unless Dsis herself could put some money to the trip - I wouldn't bother asking your DF as I doubt you'd get a satisfactory response.

Ladywillpower Fri 12-Jul-19 07:40:01

It is a lot to expect someone who is not used to travelling abroad to go out to a country where they don't speak the language, organise transport etc.
If your sister dosent have anyone locally who could help out she will need to come back to the UK to recuperate & then both you & your father can help her out.

Sceptre86 Fri 12-Jul-19 07:41:17

I would offer any support I could to my sisters if needed. Reality is that I live much further away, work and have kids so would probably not be able to take time off at short notice. However, I would check in regularly, send flowers, chocs and visit as soon as I could.

snowqu33n Fri 12-Jul-19 07:41:51

@Bullbullbull
All the DSIS has asked for is that they keep in touch and come and visit her once in a while. How is that selfish? Genuinely interested to find out.

MindyStClair Fri 12-Jul-19 07:47:08

Has your sister been told what her mobility will be like after the surgery, and has she asked for help? From your post it sounds like you’ve brought this idea up rather than her, she may not need full-time help and even if she does, it’s possible she wouldn’t want it from your father - especially if he’s only there reluctantly it may be uncomfortable for both!

People who share these hobbies do tend to have each others’ backs in my experience, so she may not be as alone as you seem to think despite some of her friends having babies.

Overall, I’d say that you should stay out of it if you aren’t planning on going yourself, unless your sister has asked you to get him to go.

SandyY2K Fri 12-Jul-19 07:50:04

This isn't a case of reasonable or unreasonable tbh.

I can understand his POV. She's a grown adult and his first trip going out there to look after her will hardly be fun will it.

He raised you on his own and you're making him feel like a selfish dad...which isn't really fair.

Your sister has chosen to live in the French Alps and should access local help following her accident.

itsallafiddle Fri 12-Jul-19 07:50:05

YANBU. I have two adult dc and I'd be there at the drop of a hat to look after them. Your dad sounds like a selfish arse.

TinselTimes Fri 12-Jul-19 07:51:08

It’s honestly not that scary a surgery and she won’t need much help. She will have an arm in a sling, so just needs to do things one handed. I’m sure even if her friends are a bit shallow they could help her get groceries etc.
See here for more info on the surgery: www.nhs.uk/conditions/broken-collarbone/

MindyStClair Fri 12-Jul-19 07:51:52

Practically, getting to the alps isn’t that expensive this time of year - depending where you are departing from, Lyon & Geneva are around £100 return. And if it’s a proper resort there will be coaches because people will be visiting to hike and mountain bike etc. So if it truly is a cost issue for him, it would be worth him doing some research rather than assuming it’s too expensive.

ChiaraRimini Fri 12-Jul-19 07:52:41

Your dad sounds a bit rubbish tbh if he's bleating about it this way he'll be next to useless when he gets there.
I think she really needs a local friend to come and stay for a few days. It's ridiculous to suggest she gets a plane home after surgery to rest.
Practically she will need someone to bring her back from hospital and stay with her overnight to make sure she is ok (assuming day surgery).
She is also going to need help washing and dressing herself for a few days at least as she will be very sore and probably tired and spaced out. Cooking etc with one arm and post operative is not too much fun.

drizzleinbrizzle Fri 12-Jul-19 07:53:04

I lived abroad for a while in my 20s. While I was there I needed surgery on my back, my DM came over to help me as the recuperation time was long and I could not get out and about easily to do shopping or pick up my medication. BUT- I was living in my DM's home country so she spoke the language and could get herself about independently. We also had a close relationship so it was a natural decision for her.

It sounds like your DSis and DDad are not close, she may not even want him out there- has she mentioned it to you or are you just assuming?

cushioncovers Fri 12-Jul-19 07:55:31

My thoughts exactly! Some very selfish, stingy people on here who clearly don't have close relationships with their children.

But that's the point, the ops family aren't close. They haven't regularly visited each since the sister moved abroad.

Mayborn Fri 12-Jul-19 07:56:09

Do they actually get on? Because if not, him going when he obv doesn’t want to could actually make things worse.

I have a sibling who I’ve had to pretend to like for years but I have realised I just don’t and I’m never going to. They’ve announced they’re moving abroad, having thought about it extensively I’ve realised that I’d rather things fizzled out by my not going than go and have some huge bust up because we actually don’t like each other’s company.

This is a defining time in their relationship. If either of them want a closer relationship in the future then they need to say it, stop dancing around the issue (including you). If they don’t, then this visit is irrelevant and it’s just being used as a way for one or both of them to make their point.

I think it could be better to talk to your dad about why he really doesn’t want to go. Does he not want relationship, feel awkward about being close after so long, feel abandoned because she left after he raised her single handed, feel awkward about “caring” for her?

Get to the bottom of it and establish what each of you actually wants long term, then you can work out how best to talk and move forward. It’s not as simple as you’re making out.

Reallybadidea Fri 12-Jul-19 07:59:29

Adults look after themselves.

That's such a sad attitude. Just because somebody is an adult doesn't mean that they don't need love, care and concern from their family. I can't imagine leaving one of my children to fend for themselves in this kind of situation just because they're grown up. Nobody has to do anything for an adult, but surely showing kindness to other people, especially your family, is just what you do?

3luckystars Fri 12-Jul-19 08:01:38

Do not go out to look after her. She chose to move away, and has not been very understanding or nice towards you. You have not done anything wrong.

My sister and i are very close and she lives abroad, I would like to visit her more but I cant. (I won't bore you with my reasons but the point is, my sister would never criticise me for not visiting. SHE moved away and is an adult that realises that I have my own life and family now)

Your sister has lumped you and you dad together, saying you are not visiting her because you both don't care. Well that is not the case, you didn't visit her because you have a baby, are studying and can't afford it. Your dad has other reasons.

Of course she can travel home.

I think this will be a wake up call alright, for you. Your sister is childish and your dad isn't maternal. You need to stop feeling guilty, SHE moved away and is not coming to look after you now you have had surgery. Who is looking after you?

Good luck and I hope you feel better soon.

distantdog Fri 12-Jul-19 08:03:02

Oh gosh you poor sister - a collarbone broken in 3 places and requiring plates and pins is not fun. Where is she? I had an operation (also live in French Alps) a few years ago and got daily nurse visits for 2 weeks after the operation even though I didn't live alone - she should speak to her doctor and see what post op support she might be able to get.

As to your question... I don't know, it's tricky. My mum wanted to come over but my dad would have been the same as yours frankly! It's actually not that easy to get around if you don't hire a car - buses are not that regular (though I suppose that depends where she is) and taxis are really expensive. We had plenty of space to put my mum up so she came with a friend so she had someone to do stuff with rather than just sitting around all day making cups of tea - would have driven us all mad!

Snowdrop30 Fri 12-Jul-19 08:03:35

YANBU, this was an opportunity to heal some wounds that have been festering awhile. He doesn't care to do so. He's not the good Dad he thinks he is. My DF is like this and always has been. Unsurprisingly, we aren't close.

Can you be a good DSis and Skype, WhatsApp or Facetime daily so she knows she is loved? Maybe send her over a care package of v cheap nice things - a magazine, shower gel? His poor attitude doesn't have to poison your relationship as sisters.

Jellybeansincognito Fri 12-Jul-19 08:08:04

Yanbu, but I don’t think spending money you don’t have is helpful to her either.

Your dad is clearly not a good dad, but you cannot make someone care.

ThePurpleHeffalump Fri 12-Jul-19 08:09:36

So he raised you single-handed, she pushed off to live the life of the the young and free and has rarely returned? Despite being the most mobile of you, with no dependants?
YABU. Her friends can care for her, it’s a collar bone, not a life-threatening problem. Or you can dump your responsibilities on your partner and rush to her aid.

Who’s going to look after your dad when he needs care?

purplelila2 Fri 12-Jul-19 08:10:04

I think you are also being selfish.
If your dad cant afford then he cant afford it.

You're calling him out for not going when you arent going yourself.

Sirzy Fri 12-Jul-19 08:10:06

There are some big conclusions being lept to here about the father just because he won’t jump up and go at the request of his uninjured daughter!

F2Feee Fri 12-Jul-19 08:10:20

You're a martyr for getting yourself in serious debt just to prove what a good sister you are. No you shouldnt obligate your dad in this way just because you want to play top trumps here.
Someone else pointed out that since he recently got his passport means he isnt the seasoned traveler you think he is. He might find it more stressful trying to navigate his way in a foreign country.
The op seems serious- your sister needs professional care. Not people to get themselves into debt to sit around making cups of tea just to show face.

Asta19 Fri 12-Jul-19 08:13:52

She’s in France. Not Australia! It’s hardly a long and gruelling journey to go see her. It’s an hour on a cheap flight, of which there are plenty! So yes your dad should go. All this talk about how she has “isolated” herself. There are places in the UK it would take longer to get to. My DS is in Japan and absolutely if he needed me I would be there ASAP.

She’s come over every year for a visit. It’s your dads turn now. No wonder she thinks he doesn’t care.

averythinline Fri 12-Jul-19 08:14:34

honestly your dad doesnt give a fuck.... going to france and lending a hand is not a difficult thing to do.... I hope he's not expecting to go out on holiday and be looked after...

I think you feel guilty about the fact you've not been there and she has been the one coming back... and jealous of her 'party' lifestyle .....but do sound concerned about her now ...maybe as you're now a parent you see how he really is - as they say actions are what counts not words

I'm not surprised your sister is angry with her dad and upset with you - she probably feels unwanted/unloved by her family... and possibly still in the relationship mindset with you when she moved out (eg a young person.teenage stage of relationship rather than an adult relationship)

howver I think you are trynig to fix/mend a relationship that is not there.... would suggest you give up pn your dad/her relationship as there is nothing you can do about it...

but maybe take the opportunity to try and build an adult relationship with her..... you dont have to drop everything and fly over if you are bankrupt and have young dc ....but maybe talk to her about what would be useful.....if she would like you to comeover and you can with work/dc then maybe you save some and she contributes...

or just be someone she can talk to...- but if you're not really that bothered about a relationship with her be honest with yourself and her...she has proabbly got a network of friends now

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