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To think DH should remember...

(444 Posts)
leopardandspots Thu 11-Jul-19 23:25:33

That DD's seven years at primary school finishes next Tuesday.

And that he should not have arranged to go out after work with his mate?

serenadoundy Thu 11-Jul-19 23:29:40

He can't go out because your DD finishes primary school?

FFSMelvin Thu 11-Jul-19 23:30:16

Why? Did he promise to pick her up?

FFSMelvin Thu 11-Jul-19 23:31:18

Finishing primary school isn't a big deal really. 🤷🏼‍♀️

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil Thu 11-Jul-19 23:32:53

What were you planning to do exactly?

AfterSchoolWorry Thu 11-Jul-19 23:33:04

confused

pictish Thu 11-Jul-19 23:33:52

Um...why not?

Percypigparade Thu 11-Jul-19 23:34:39

Mine has just finished OP and it was a big deal - there was an assembly for parents and most went out for lunch afterwards - both dh and I had potential meals out (end of term for us too) but we didn't go as it was ds' turn to have the fuss.

PurpleDaisies Thu 11-Jul-19 23:35:35

I don’t get it.

Percypigparade Thu 11-Jul-19 23:36:21

...and this may be unpopular on mumsnet but another parent had organised a party bus for that afternoon.
I would have had no idea until this year that it was a big deal!

Iamnotagoddess Thu 11-Jul-19 23:36:25

WTAF? My DH is in the forces and I thank my lucky stars if he gets home for Christmas.

His birthday was this week and we spent it apart

snitzelvoncrumb Thu 11-Jul-19 23:39:03

Just make plans and give him the option to join you.

StVincent Thu 11-Jul-19 23:40:22

Gordon Bennett really? Is there a plan in place that he ought to remember, or just that it’s a “special day”.

I can’t fathom what it must be like in a family that puts you at the centre like that. Can’t work out if my mum fuming cos my dad will be out after I finish primary would be nice or weirdly intense!

Iamnotagoddess Thu 11-Jul-19 23:41:51

And so am sick to the back teeth off seeing pre school, primary school, middle school “proms” or “graduations”.

High school prom is bad enough.

The pressure on low income families must be immense.

Baby showers, ridiculous hen dos.

Have I actually moved to America without consenting to it?

Zippyx Thu 11-Jul-19 23:41:58

YABU.

Your DD finishes primary school next Tuesday. And you want your DH to do what exactly? Just feels like you're trying to find an excuse to celebrate something - unless there's something I've missed...

Iamnotagoddess Thu 11-Jul-19 23:44:11

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

FineWordsForAPorcupine Thu 11-Jul-19 23:45:03

WTAF? My DH is in the forces and I thank my lucky stars if he gets home for Christmas

You know that your kids parent being away so much is not actually...good, right? My father was in the forces and missed most of my childhood. It wasn't a good thing.

Nor does it mean that someone else doesn't get to have feelings about their partner missing childhood events because "hey, it could be worse, he could be in the forces and miss EVEN MORE".

leopardandspots Thu 11-Jul-19 23:45:46

Perhaps it's no big deal for some people then? It is a big deal for DD.

I think part of parenting is being around for special days in your child's life? There are some days that don't happen often. It's like a rite of passage that she'll remember.

If it was his first or last day in a new job I think he'd be miffed if we forgot and went out.

Iamnotagoddess Thu 11-Jul-19 23:47:26

You know that your kids parent being away so much is not actually...good, right? My father was in the forces and missed most of my childhood. It wasn't a good thing

I don’t have any kids with my DH.

The OP is being totally ridiculous and needs to build resilience in her children.

RosaWaiting Thu 11-Jul-19 23:47:30

"It's like a rite of passage that she'll remember."

for how long?

I don't think I remembered primary school from about....the day after it finished?!

Iamnotagoddess Thu 11-Jul-19 23:48:50

@leopardandspots

So no one in the armed forces should have children?

SlipperyWhenWatery Thu 11-Jul-19 23:49:24

Can't remember my last day at primary.

StreetwiseHercules Thu 11-Jul-19 23:49:38

On my last day at primary school the bell rang. Me and my mates went swimming at the local leisure centre and then played football. No parents involved. The end.

sweeneytoddsrazor Thu 11-Jul-19 23:51:08

What should he be doing instead then?

Imknackeredzzz Thu 11-Jul-19 23:54:05

Oh get a grip

Oysterbabe Thu 11-Jul-19 23:55:25

Did you have something planned?

leopardandspots Fri 12-Jul-19 00:00:15

So what dates should family members remember then?

The majority seem to think the four days of starting and finishing primary and secondary school are fairly unimportant.

What about a new job?
Birthdays?

Percypigparade Fri 12-Jul-19 00:00:26

Dont worry OP, it's just another man getting an easy ride on here, of course it's more important that he gets an afternoon out with his mate than that family spend a bit of time together to mark the passage from primary to secondary.

StVincent Fri 12-Jul-19 00:00:41

Well if that’s how things are in your family by common consent then YANBU. Different families have different traditions.

But as a compromise given that school probably finishes at 2-3pm and he won’t reasonably need to be at a night out til 7 at the earliest, can you all take her out for a special treat/tea together before he goes?

StreetwiseHercules Fri 12-Jul-19 00:01:39

“it's just another man getting an easy ride on here”

Yes, because there’s loads of that on this site. 😆

BackforGood Fri 12-Jul-19 00:02:45

Eh?

YABVVVVU

There is no possible reason for you, or him to avoid normal activities, because it happens to be the day your dd breaks up. What an odd thing to think.

StVincent Fri 12-Jul-19 00:02:46

grin Streetwise

There was a special assembly on my last day. My parents couldn’t come (work) so I just said bye to the teachers then went back to a friend’s house I think. Really normal day!

New job - it’s nice if someone takes you out for a drink after a first day, but if they didn’t I wouldn’t mind.

Birthdays and Christmas are real celebrations <runs>

RosaWaiting Fri 12-Jul-19 00:02:55

percy I've got female friends who would struggle to tell me which day their DC are finishing primary school.

they certainly won't be doing anything extra to "mark the passage".

then again, we all mostly wonder why schools want to make everything a massive performance these days - though MN is the first any of us heard of a "prom".

StreetwiseHercules Fri 12-Jul-19 00:04:26

“So what dates should family members remember then? ”

Birthdays. Christmas. That’s it.

Percypigparade Fri 12-Jul-19 00:06:30

Our school leavers' assembly was stoked out with parents, I'm assuming at least some of them had to request time off work to be there.
There's a joylessness about celebrations sometimes on here. Reminds me of my mil somehow grin

leopardandspots Fri 12-Jul-19 00:06:37

His plans are to go out straight after work so wouldn't be home at all until after Dd is in bed.

I do wonder how he'd respond if I made plans and didn't see her at all on her first or last day of primary school. But hey ho.

PurpleDaisies Fri 12-Jul-19 00:06:52

It's like a rite of passage that she'll remember.

Is it? I don’t remember leaving primary school.

DaftHannah Fri 12-Jul-19 00:06:53

I remember both my kids last day at primary school. It was a big deal for them and quite emotional, same for last day at secondary school.

My DH was missing on all such occasions, also did not come to school parent's evenings or school plays, so I can understand how OP feels. Modern parents hope for Dads to be more involved, yet many men literally have no interest in their children. It is disappointing, but there you have it.

ReanimatedSGB Fri 12-Jul-19 00:07:47

It really depends on a) what you are expecting to do on this 'momentous' day - take her out for tea, attend a special ceremony at the school etc and b) whether you informed him of this, or discussed it with him.
(When DS finished primary school I did go and collect him, having let him come home by himself like a Big Boy for the rest of the final half-term, but that was at least partly to make sure he got a move on, as we were catching an early-evening train to a festival.)

StVincent Fri 12-Jul-19 00:09:12

OP out if interest, if it were your DP’s last day at his current job before a move, would you keep your DD at home for the evening instead of allowing her to a friend’s or Brownies etc?

ReanimatedSGB Fri 12-Jul-19 00:10:16

It sounds like you think he should just 'be there', in which case YABU and whiny. Your DD might well just want to have her tea, play with her toys, watch the telly or whatever, rather than discuss every detail of her feelings.

Percypigparade Fri 12-Jul-19 00:11:08

Rosa how does anyone not know when their dc's term finishes? Are they at boarding school? At the very least you need to know they are not heading off to school in the morning!
I'd have to say, the "hoo ha" did not come from the school but from parents. Not going mad does not mean you can't mark the bloody occasion.

BackforGood Fri 12-Jul-19 00:11:10

But Percy, the OP isn't complaining about him not being able to get to some performance, she just seems to think that the evening should be cancelled, because is happens 4 (?) hours after the end of the school day hat happens to be the end of term. He isn't missing any sort of event or performance or concert or celebration.

Percypigparade Fri 12-Jul-19 00:15:34

He won't see her as he is out with his mate. So no family dinner/how did it go/anything out of the ordinary.
I think he could have been more thoughtful.

Bookworm4 Fri 12-Jul-19 00:17:14

Jesus wept, really?
The last day of primary my youngest and her friends did their shirt signing, then went to a cafe themselves then meandered home. It’s not a big deal, @Iamnotagoddess fully agree; all these pretentious ‘occasions’ people need to get a grip.

RosaWaiting Fri 12-Jul-19 00:19:29

Percy their husbands will know the term dates etc

SpaceCadet4000 Fri 12-Jul-19 00:20:13

If you had a specific plan then he would be unreasonable, but you're not saying that you do so YABU. If you want to do something come up with a plan and talk to him about it instead of stewing on Mumsnet.

rebecca102 Fri 12-Jul-19 00:23:12

I agree, poor form. That day happens once, he's got plenty of other times he can go out.

Contraceptionismyfriend Fri 12-Jul-19 00:23:28

This can not be serious. Nobody is raising a child to be this ridiculous.

monsieurmarius Fri 12-Jul-19 00:23:51

Definitely can't remember my last day at any of my schools but especially not my primary. I have a very good memory.

My dad definitely had no idea when I left primary school because he had other things going on and really it wasnt important in the grand scheme of things.

Sorry, I think you're being a bit precious.

prh47bridge Fri 12-Jul-19 00:24:04

If it was his first or last day in a new job I think he'd be miffed if we forgot and went out

I can't speak for your husband but I certainly wouldn't be.

And, since it doesn't sound like there is any special event associated with your daughter's end of term, I think you are being unreasonable. Whilst I don't think I was out on the last day of primary school for any of my children, that was just because I don't go out very often. Neither my wife nor my children would have been bothered if I had been out.

MrsGrammaticus Fri 12-Jul-19 00:25:05

YABU....massive over reaction!

smurfy19 Fri 12-Jul-19 00:25:19

My son finished primary at the end of June (Scotland) school had organised a meal one evening before they finished, pupils, parents and teachers went, no siblings. In the actual day they finished the class all organised to go out and have a meal and celebrate together without parents. Not how I imagined it would be but we hardly saw him that day 🙈

NeckPainChairSearch Fri 12-Jul-19 00:26:58

If it was his first or last day in a new job I think he'd be miffed if we forgot and went out

Really? In that case, you sound perfectly well suited grin. No one I know marks any of these occasions with such solemnity.

leopardandspots Fri 12-Jul-19 00:27:23

It's not just the end of any old term. It's the last day of primary school.

The plan is collect the kids from school and the teacher gets given a present etc. They all sign shirts if they haven't done already.. Then there's a picnic with the whole year group in a local park and later a disco party that parents can stay at or not.

sweeneytoddsrazor Fri 12-Jul-19 00:28:12

This is how it pans out, get your t shirt signed, come out crying, all the mums then start crying because the kids are. Get home and within 30 seconds act like you normally do at the start of the summer holidays. This includes when asked how your last day of school was grunt alright or ok as a response and not expand any further.

sweeneytoddsrazor Fri 12-Jul-19 00:30:46

Well did you tell him all this was going on and he needed to go?

changeyoursheets Fri 12-Jul-19 00:31:55

^^ what sweeny said.

Op not only are you being unreasonable, you're being ridiculous.

Bookworm4 Fri 12-Jul-19 00:33:00

A picnic for 11/12 yr olds? How lovely 🙄 You do know parents attending their school disco is definitely what the kids do NOT want. It sounds as if you’re taking about 5 yr olds. Twee, twee and suffocating.

Percypigparade Fri 12-Jul-19 00:33:10

Don't worry, she will have her mum there and she may as well get used to men having more important things to do than spend time with family. If she takes up with a cyclist in later life she will be prepared wink

leopardandspots Fri 12-Jul-19 00:35:25

Quite a few people seem to think that those (four) first and last days of school are no big deal. I thought it was a bigger deal than a birthday? You have 80+ birthdays but only 4 days or starting and finishing school, unless you move I guess.

I'm now thinking that I'll go straight out with a mate after work too. A babysitter can say goodbye to the crying parents and then pick her up from the picnic and take her to and from the party.



(Or not. )

Deadringer Fri 12-Jul-19 00:36:21

When my DD finished primary school the whole class took themselves off to the cinema on the bus, no parents involved. When DS finished, well I don't know what he did because I was on a fabulous cruise. No regrets.

Percypigparade Fri 12-Jul-19 00:37:57

Competitive dontgiveafuckery.

BrendasUmbrella Fri 12-Jul-19 00:42:29

It will only be a big deal to your child if you make it one.

leopardandspots Fri 12-Jul-19 00:43:00

Percypig errrrrr how did you know? DH is a Chris Froome and Bradley Wiggins hybrid.

LauderSyme Fri 12-Jul-19 00:43:55

MN is weird. Are posters on this thread trying to be the well 'ard cool girls?

Yeah just like you know totally cool with husbands and fathers like absenting themselves and you know sort of being selfish dicks yeah and like letting their wives and partners do all the emotional labour right and actually like you know abdicating responsibility and literally yeah leaving it to the womenz to like actually be there for their kids right as some small gesture to show they actually like fucking give a shit.

And then there are the threads where posters fly at the throats of 'transgressive' men screeching like banshees for the exact same crime, only committed in a slightly different context. Weird.

NeckPainChairSearch Fri 12-Jul-19 00:52:57

Are posters on this thread trying to be the well 'ard cool girls?

I get your point, and in many respects agree - I have made the same points in past posts.

But we don't have that information here. We don't know anything about the OP and the DP apart from this incident.

If my DH had a go at me about going out for a drink with my friend on the last day of school, I wouldn't be impressed. In a shared, fair, balanced family life, either party should be free to do this.

It could be that the DP here is a neglectful shit, or this might be isolated? Not enough to judge, IMO.

trackingmedown Fri 12-Jul-19 00:57:16

Seriously? Both our DC had big days out for the last day of primary. There were balloons and parties and cakes and gatherings at the local pub for the SAH parents. It never once crossed my mind that DH should take a day off to attend and there were no other working patents there either.

StillCoughingandLaughing Fri 12-Jul-19 01:00:40

Dont worry OP, it's just another man getting an easy ride on here, of course it's more important that he gets an afternoon out with his mate than that family spend a bit of time together to mark the passage from primary to secondary.

Give me strength.

OP - if your husband was missing a specific event (e.g. a leavers’ assembly) I’d say you were right to be annoyed. But if you just want him to generally ‘be around’, I think you’re being OTT.

Your daughter will remake the shirt signing and the disco. She won’t be particularly bothered who picks her up.

TwistyTop Fri 12-Jul-19 01:01:24

I'm sorry but you're being ridiculous. And no, it isn't the fact that he's a man that makes it ok. If you were going out for a few drinks after work I would say that is also fine.

If it was her graduation ceremony I'd understand but she's just finishing primary school. If it's the particular arrangements around the picnic and the disco then that's fair enough, but if you didn't let him know this was happening in advance then I don't see how you can be annoyed.

snitzelvoncrumb Fri 12-Jul-19 01:02:06

You can't make him want to participate, just think he will be the one to miss out not you. I would put a picture on the fridge so he can be reminded of a great family time that he missed.

TwistyTop Fri 12-Jul-19 01:04:51

Oh and PS - I highly doubt that she wants you at that disco. I would have been horribly embarrassed as I think most 11yr Olds would.

Shockers Fri 12-Jul-19 01:07:03

Do people stop enjoying picnics with friends after the age of 5? confused

HarrietSchulenberg Fri 12-Jul-19 01:07:40

Can't really see the issue. Can't your DD just have a nice time at the picnic with her friends? Assembling the entire family to watch some 11 year olds eat butties all feels a little cloying and claustrophobic.

Secondary school will be a very different experience for all of you.

pallisers Fri 12-Jul-19 01:10:24

If it's the particular arrangements around the picnic and the disco then that's fair enough, but if you didn't let him know this was happening in advance then I don't see how you can be annoyed.

It is the wife's job to tell her husband in advance is it? Her original post was "should he remember" and you've clearly answered "no. that is your job to remember and remind him" Same old same old.

Futureisland Fri 12-Jul-19 01:12:39

There's a good chance this means more to you than it does either your daughter or your husband.

Enjoy the emotions of the day but don't make your husband feel bad for not feeling as emotional about it as you do. Particularly if your daughter is going out to a picnic anyway

My son finished primary school last year, he was excited about his signed shirt and leavers hoodie but just went out to play like any normal day. No need for my husband to be there.

RosaWaiting Fri 12-Jul-19 01:13:03

“I thought it was a bigger deal than a birthday?”

I would have chucked all the toys out of my pram if my parents thought this grin

Seriously, obviously things were different back then, but I can’t really imagine parents having anything to do with the last day of secondary school or sixth form college. But 18 year olds were adults and now it’s all extended adolescence for a lot of people, particularly on MN I think.

RosaWaiting Fri 12-Jul-19 01:13:43

“There's a good chance this means more to you than it does either your daughter or your husband.”

This.

IfItIsntYerManRobert Fri 12-Jul-19 01:26:32

Last day of primary school is a big deal (at the time, I can't actually remember it myself.

But - it's probably not a two-man (parent) job.

OP - you're in danger of making this into a bigger deal than it needs to be, and creating drama (for your DD) where there doesn't need to be any.

I don't think your DH has done a terrible thing here.

But given it's a Tuesday, and if you are going to insist he come to last day + picnic and disco (are you really sure about this??grin), can he perhaps move his drinks to the Weds, Thurs or Fri...?

RosesAndRaindrops Fri 12-Jul-19 01:34:35

Aw. This thread makes me sad. Married and we have two kids, one mid teens and one nearly 2nd year into high school.
IE only left primary school last year.
We both wanted to be there for last days of school!
Me being a SAHM and DH managed to take the day off work (works shifts so juggled them)

leopardandspots Fri 12-Jul-19 01:34:55

It's more the fact he didn't even remember a big event in her life that she's been talking about quite a lot. And also that when I explained he clearly wasn't a tiny bit bothered about any of it.

But I guess it is same old. It means more to me than him. It means more to most mothers than most fathers.

So because it means more to some women,we get more of both the benefit and the burden of juggling it all with work.

We have done secondary school before with much older now adult DCs who are at Uni etc, so both know how little parent involvement there is at secondary.

Isthebigwomanhere Fri 12-Jul-19 01:36:07

You do realise that you won't be needed or wanted by your child to attend the last day of High school, college or uni or to take a day off for their first job?!

You are being bonkers !

RosesAndRaindrops Fri 12-Jul-19 01:41:34

And so am sick to the back teeth off seeing pre school, primary school, middle school “proms” or “graduations”High school prom is bad enough.The pressure on low income families must be immense. Have I actually moved to America without consenting to it?

I'd be right with you, hate the idea of proms etc. How is seeing your child out of school on the last day comparable though confused

leopardandspots Fri 12-Jul-19 01:45:50

Yes of course I know the difference with secondary school. I've already said we've got several adult ones at Uni?

On the last day of older DDs secondary school I was required to leave work early actually to drive to the school to pick up a car full of big art and DT projects that the teachers emailed me about! . And for another one I was required to drive a group of them to a party.

But with this one I'm talking about the end of primary school.

Clearly it means more to some parents than others but tbh I hope my DDs have children with men who are engaged with their kids school milestones and want to participate equally in them even if they can't.

NeckPainChairSearch Fri 12-Jul-19 01:50:41

I hope my DDs have children with men who are engaged with their kids school milestones and want to participate equally in them even if they can't

Well yes, but it's not just your DP though, OP. A good half of this thread don't actually see it as 'a milestone.'

Is it just this date, or has he got form for opting out of this kind of stuff? Are you both working? What's the division of domestics usually like?

BendyLikeBeckham Fri 12-Jul-19 01:58:56

OP is this your youngest?

I wonder if you are projecting your sadness that this will be YOUR last experience of your child's last day leaving primary school? It is more bittersweet sometimes watching the last one reach milestones.

steff13 Fri 12-Jul-19 02:02:13

Will he be off work in time to pick her up and go to the picnic? And I agree with PP, she won't want you at the dance.

Saltystraw Fri 12-Jul-19 02:03:52

I remember my last day.. but only the school part of it which was the important part.. I don’t think we did anything in the evening as a family... for any of my schooling.

I don’t think it’s such a big deal but each family to their own.

Kokeshi123 Fri 12-Jul-19 02:03:55

Why aren't 11-12yos supposed to have picnics? (confused)

I am 40 and I like having picnics.

Tingface Fri 12-Jul-19 02:04:00

What a load of old cobblers.

OP yabu and ridiculous.

LidoDeck Fri 12-Jul-19 02:05:54

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

rededucator Fri 12-Jul-19 02:09:08

OP why would all the mothers be standing around crying? As a teacher I'd find this very odd. I think you're projecting onto your poor child and, quite frankly, your husband. Last day of PS should be an achievement, 'isn't this exciting', look how far you've come etc, not standing around wailing and crying.

rededucator Fri 12-Jul-19 02:11:32

OP, I've just read you have older children at uni and secondary. I think this event is more of a milestone for you than anyone else.

StoppinBy Fri 12-Jul-19 02:13:40

I can see where you are coming from. My husband did take the morning off to drop our DD off for her first day of school and if the school did something special for the grade 6 graduation day then he would try to get the time off for sure.

The fact that he booked the whole night away sucks for your DD if you normally celebrate these things as a family.

Chovihano Fri 12-Jul-19 02:18:35

Op well done for putting your child first, rare in this age.
We celebrate these type of events as a family as they are important to us too.
You'll be called precious by those who think their children don't matter, or can't be bothered, or other things more important.

Just tell dh to cancel and organise something nice for the family.

Fairenuff Fri 12-Jul-19 02:24:27

It means more to most mothers than most fathers

Yeah, no I don't think it does. I think it's just a few parents who are over invested like yourself OP.

AngelsOnHigh Fri 12-Jul-19 03:19:19

My DD and her DH have 5 DC.

DH works in a managerial position in a 24 hour industry. This year he has opted to work night shift because he is tired of missing out on Dcs milestones i.e. first day of school, presentation days etc.

WhyTho Fri 12-Jul-19 04:31:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SheChoseDown Fri 12-Jul-19 04:41:45

One of you will suffice.

Don't drag the poor fella to such a boring non event. Take turns in doing the boring non events. It makes it easier.
#LetsAllGoToThePub

GnomeDePlume Fri 12-Jul-19 05:06:12

The only thing I remember from youngest's last day at primary school was the little mental happy jig that this meant the end of:

Easter bonnets
School fetes worse than death
Christmas fayres
World book day
Sports day
Parents evenings sat on chairs designed for reception aged children

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