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To ask how you know you are a good person? Are you?

(28 Posts)
goodorbadorneutral Thu 11-Jul-19 21:31:50

I think for a lot of people, they know they are because of the quality of their relationships. They have parents, siblings, friends, people who want to spend time with them. I grew up with my Nan who was the absolute best and her death when I was a young adult was very tough.

I have difficult relationships in the rest of my family, I just don't know if various people like me much at all, beyond the way they maybe can love me out of a sense of family loyalty, without liking my company. Or if they just honestly feel they are putting up with talking to me every once in a while because of duty.

It's not just immediate members either. A cousin who for a long time seemed to like me a lot stopped speaking to me completely when I got a girlfriend and came out as bisexual.

I have a wonderful partner who I love very much and am very lucky in life in lots of ways, but sometimes I feel a bit low and unsure and think I must really be rather unpleasant as my family are so indifferent to me really.

It's hurtful because for so long I just really wanted to be loved and included by them...now, I've accepted I'm not that important, that they do of course love me in their own way they just don't want to spend that much time with me. It's ok, but at times, still feels a bit raw. I think mostly because of what it could mean. Not as dramatic as thinking I'm outright a BAD person lol but just not nice or fun or good enough.

I'm also disabled and require support from my partner, and sometimes wonder if I am deserving enough. There are so many sick and disabled people who are very loved by their families, who can't pay for medicines or equipment.

But how do you know that you are a good person? Especially if you are not close to your parents or siblings?

goodorbadorneutral Fri 12-Jul-19 00:39:07

Bumping, for any night people around.

Happyspud Fri 12-Jul-19 00:41:15

I’m no angel. I’m a bad person sometimes. But I do lots of good things too. I don’t know, I’m not the best judge of where I lie on the good vs bad spectrum.

Monsterdogs Fri 12-Jul-19 00:53:53

You cant choose your family but your partner chose you so you clearly are loveable. Sound like your cousin had a hard time accepting your sexuality for whatever reason. Only they will be able to tell you why and i wouldnt care, if i were you, as it should be a non issue.
I dont think anyone is a completely good, or bad, person. But the fact that you care enough to worry about it means you probably are lovely.
I have many flaws in my own personality, but do try to work on them in the hope it makes me a better person

goodorbadorneutral Fri 12-Jul-19 00:56:28

What sort of good things do you do Happyspud?

I feel like I'm overall a good person. But then at times like this quite honestly couldn't give much reason why. I don't feel I make much impression on the world at all, and I take more than I give.

wafflyversatile Fri 12-Jul-19 00:57:54

Have you asked yourself why your family's attitude to you leads you to ask if you are a good person rather than to ask if they are good people?

Personally I think we are all a mixture of good and bad.

goodorbadorneutral Fri 12-Jul-19 01:20:41

I do agree we're all a mixture of good points and flaws. But I think some people tip the balance into the "good" zone, and that's the type of person I'd prefer to be, but just find myself wondering about if that's true or not.

My family aren't bad people, they definitely have flaws and things of course but they're happy and sorted. They just would be irritated if they even knew I found it hurtful to be so low down the list of priorities. It's kind of hard to explain really.

For example, a sibling forgot my wedding day, and I think it was simply that they forgot, no badness intended. No disagreement between us or suchlike, but I still find it a bit hurtful. I matter very little.

We only had a very small doo and I didn't invite anyone because I didn't think they would go so didn't want to make it awkward or seem like I was pressuring people to attend. They all would need babysitters to have the kids overnight and pay for somewhere to stay, as wedding was in different city and I knew nobody would want to spend money on that and that is 100% fair enough. But other family did send text messages on my wedding day and I appreciated that very much, and can't pretend it I didn't notice complete lack of communication from sibling. I thought we were a bit closer, as we studied together for a while when both training etc.

leiderhosen Fri 12-Jul-19 01:25:17

I don't know if family judgement is altogether sound. You can sometimes get groupthink in families. Especially if there is a narcissistic parent who manipulates everyone and has favourites. People tend to follow their lead as they don't want to deal with the fallout.

Have you spoken to your cousin about it?

As a PP said, you have a partner who cares about you, so you must have good qualities. But like most of us, your probably a mixture between good and bad. It's really important though to judge yourself based on your own values, not those of others.

In my experience, really popular people are not always the nicest ones. They might be more amusing, or confident, which draws people to them, but when you get to know them, they can prove to be really mean.

AcrossthePond55 Fri 12-Jul-19 01:44:59

Do you go through your life trying NOT to hurt or cause pain to other people? Do you try not to hold grudges or seek revenge? Then you're a pretty good person IMHO.

None of us is perfect and sometimes we do or say something hurtful, sometimes we hold onto things/events we shouldn't, but we try not to and that's what's important.

You can't worry about what others think of you. Some people will choose to be hurt by even the best of our intentions.

goodorbadorneutral Fri 12-Jul-19 01:47:28

I've not spoken to my cousin after the initial turning point. I was a bit stupid to pick up on what was going on so tried to contact her a few times thinking there was something wrong with her phone, then let it go.

Her teenage son got pissed and confided in me that he was gay and suffering from depression, but he could never tell his parents because they wouldn't accept him being gay or that he was taking antidepressants and it dawned on me what was going on. I'd been so open about having a gf and it hadn't occurred to me that this would be a problem. He deleted me off Facebook once he was sober though so I think he regrets telling anyone.

goodorbadorneutral Fri 12-Jul-19 01:56:54

Do you go through your life trying NOT to hurt or cause pain to other people? Do you try not to hold grudges or seek revenge? Then you're a pretty good person IMHO.

Yes, I do try but sometimes I feel so completely guilty because my trying is shit and not good enough.

I can't explain very well. I feel like if I hadn't been disabled I maybe could have made my Nan's last few years so much better. I tried to do what I could in my own stupid shit way and of course nobody can save a dying person, but it somehow just feels like I fell short of the mark somehow. I was young, stupid and naive. I trusted doctors and medical staff and for too long believed she had a chance of being ok for another few years.

But then she wasn't, and that feels like my own stupidity and selfishness really blinded me. If I had been healthier and more mature I would have known, and maybe could have helped her do a Bucket List type thing before she died.

Sometimes, I feel so guilty. I was so in adequate and she deserved someone strong and amazing to have helped her.

I can never make that ok for her. Crying now. I can't escape this feeling it comes up every now and again. I think this is why it feels so true that I must be not a good person. But probably I'm just in adequate really.

PoppingOneOutIn2020 Fri 12-Jul-19 02:27:37

A think I've recognised a nice trait in myself recently.

My friend is getting married, I'm one of 5 bridesmaids. We've all done little bits an pieces to make her day extra special.

Another friend and bridesmaid has grown over the top spending money and showing her with all sorts, but taking it much too far, she boasts about it and is very me me me with everything she has done for her. Shes upset bride as shes noticed none of it has been for her, it's just been so that she can say she done it and look like such a great friend. Shes complained about dress colour, dress fit ect.

My friend told me the other day that she thinks she made a mistake when picking her bridesmaid and me and X are the only people who have made a genuine effort to make her big day special.

I suppose my nice trait is I really do care about the ones I care about and I'll do anything to make sure someone is happy. I hate seeing anybody upset.

I'm like a peacemaker shockgrin

Neome Fri 12-Jul-19 02:52:17

Hi goodo something in your story reminded me of feelings I used to have myself.

I can remember being very worried about some things when I felt low but when I felt better it wasn't that I was then convinced I was a good person I just wasn't tormenting myself with the same worries.

Bereavement is tough. Your Nan loved you very much and you loved her and did your best for her at the time knowing what you knew then. Love to you flowers

HerRoyalNotness Fri 12-Jul-19 04:54:12

good. The way you describe your wedding almost seems as if you try to make yourself small, maybe from lack of self confidence? You were thinking too much of putting other people out and maybe went too far and made it seem you’re not worthwhile of celebrating. Not sure if I’m explaining what I mean. Perhaps start trying to build yourself up and your confidence, and show your worth to others. It’s not about you being a good or bad person, but believing you deserve to be treated well and treating yourself well in the first place

FiveShelties Fri 12-Jul-19 05:10:06

I am not sure how good a person I am, but I do try not to do anything bad or hurtful to others.

@goodorbadorneutral I think most of us look back when someone dies and feel we could have done things differently. My Dad went downhill with dementia really quickly, and I wish I could have made things easier or different in some way for him. It is always easy to look back and think what it etc.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland Fri 12-Jul-19 05:28:23

No one is 100% good! Like most on here I think I'm a mix - my "bad" aspects:
- I'll join in and have a good bitch at times
- I'll don my judgy pants plenty, especially on mn
- I've been lucky financially and I could do more to use that money to help others, but don't always e.g regular charity subscriptions etc
- I'm not always that selfless with my time
"Good aspects"
- I try not to hurt or disrespect others
- I am generous with friends and family
- I try to help people in need, especially those who appear vulnerable

toomuchtooold Fri 12-Jul-19 05:40:49

What waffly said. You seem nice. Your family seem awful. I wonder if you've tried to make yourself undemanding (as with the wedding) and tried to assume all the responsibility for being a person "worthy of love" (everyone is worthy of love) because at some point in the past when you were a kid, it probably hurt less and was less scary to think that there was something wrong with you than to acknowledge that there was something lacking in your parents. Because there is something lacking in them. Every child is entitled to love from their parents, and when they don't get that, it's the parents' fault, not the child's.

You might want to have a look at the Stately Homes thread on Relationships and see if any of that rings a bell. I would also recommend you the books "Codependency for Dummies" and "The Tao of Fully Feeling". It's not you mate.

Conflicted121 Fri 12-Jul-19 06:50:32

My sister stopped talking to me and had a long list of complaints. My niece and nephew listened to her and also chose not to talk to me. My brother tolerates me as he has always been closer to my sister.

I am a good person. My sisters complaints against me were her own made up perceptions of things she believed I had done. Things like I hadn’t showered her new boyfriend with compliments meant that I was uncomfortable around him when in fact I was completely at ease on the day we met and thought that he was a lovely person.

The reason that i know that I am a good person is because I always act from the heart. If I say something I mean it. I keep jealousy and envy at bay and celebrate people’s achievements with genuine happiness.

People love within their limits.But that is a them problem. Your cousin could not get over their own issues to accept you. How does that make you a bad person?

Vibiano Fri 12-Jul-19 07:04:29

I think most people are just trying to be "good enough " iyswim.
OP, you sound nice to me. Your family don't appreciate you.

Nautiloid Fri 12-Jul-19 07:20:37

I'm just a person. A mix of lots of things, just like everyone else.
I try my best but wouldn't say I'm good or bad.

namechangedforthis1980 Fri 12-Jul-19 07:33:23

I like to think I'm a good person, volunteering several times a week etc. People say I'm kind hearted, always got a smile on my face.

I'm not perfect though and have cocked up big time over the years, particularly when DS1 was little. I was a single, young mum, going through a nasty court battle that I didn't cope with well sad. Neither did DS1. I tried to hold it together but ultimately I'm only human and cracked a few times. DS's behaviour deteriorated and I couldn't cope with it so smacked him on a few occasions.

I don't agree with smacking so have forever labelled myself a bad person for that. I'm slowly trying to accept it happened, and shouldn't have done, but I was in a bad place at the time. DS and I have the loveliest relationship now.

namechangedforthis1980 Fri 12-Jul-19 07:33:56

Wow that was therapeutic writing that down!

AnnaDine Fri 12-Jul-19 07:40:47

I want to be a good person - unfortunately I’m human!

quietcontentment Fri 12-Jul-19 07:43:51

Like it has already been touched on, we all have bad and good points. I think what makes the difference between good and bad people though is how they handle their bad points, knowing you have them is a start then trying to control them or handling situations well when they show etc as suppose to bad people who just dont give to hoots about their bad points, dont acknowledge them, justify them or turn them round to be other peoples problems if you see what I mean.
I have loads of flaws, but I know what they are I try not to let them affect others if I do I apologies and try not to do it again and then hope they forgive me after I have tried to make it up to them.

goodfornothinggnome Fri 12-Jul-19 10:05:05

I've only read the first part of the thread, but I didnt want to read and run.
The way you feel is completely normal, were conditioned to believe that unless were awful people we will all have excellent relationships with other members of our family. Its damaging, and untrue.

I've spent a few years having to learn that. I am sorry that your relationships are as they are.

I dont feel like a good person, but I try to always be kind to others, support people and I think that shows because there are a lot of people who are open with me when they arent with other people.

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