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I’ve married a monster

(188 Posts)
JoylessNewMarriage Thu 11-Jul-19 19:06:36

I’m a long time regular poster but have NC here.

I’ve only been married for six months to a man I’ve lived with for four years. My vows were important and I want this marriage to work, I really do. But he’s turned into a monster, in fairness the red flags were there, but I suppose I didn’t want to look.

Problem is my job is tied into his, and my home. To up and leave would mean not only throwing in my marriage but my job and home. I know I’ve been stupid to put all my eggs in one basket but isn’t hindsight marvellous.

I’ve got a small amount in savings but not enough for a house rent deposit if I’m not working.

I’m genuinely thinking I have no options.

Last night he pushed me into the wall,
Yelled in my face and was just so horrible. He’s totally uninterested in any problems I might have at work, he just walks away. He plays sport up to five times a week and has told me next year he’s going on a boys holiday for a week all inclusive costing £1000, it means we won’t have a holiday next year. Every single time we fall out he blames me for everything, he takes no responsibility for anything. He told me last night if I don’t like it I can just move out (it’s his tied Cottage we live in).

I don’t have children but he does. They’re almost adults and mostly live with their mum.

No one actually knows him, he comes across as a kind sensitive man, he’s anything but.

Any ideas? I’ve contemplated ending it, or running away.

Sorry this is a bit garbled,
I’m a mess.

beanaseireann Sat 13-Jul-19 20:22:12

Thats a great idea s107
Have everything ready and when he goes on holiday, leave him.
Please confide in someone.

sl07 Sat 13-Jul-19 15:35:22

I would save up enough money and depending how long you can cope, I would wait until he is on that lads holiday and leave then. Get looking for new employment and new accommodation. It will be a massive life change but if you're unhappy and don't see a future with this man, then do this for yourself. Find someone who ticks all your boxes x

beanaseireann Sat 13-Jul-19 14:23:14

Who was at the wedding that could support you - family ir friends.
Theyd be there in a heartbeat if you opened up to them Im sure.

ravenmum Sat 13-Jul-19 10:27:51

If you're going to hang around, at least try to reach out and get support, counselling etc. to help with the anxiety.

If you were my daughter I'd be over there packing her bags and seeing how the law deals with this as soon as she called. I understand that it's hard for you to make the decision and act - I've suffered from anxiety and I know things simply seem impossible - but from us onlookers' point of view, we're watching a woman being attacked. Of course we want that woman to get the fuck out of there.

mathanxiety Sat 13-Jul-19 05:19:13

How much will be enough when it comes to savings?

You need to trust outside agencies - Women's Aid, Shelter, etc.

You need to stop worrying about what he will say about you.

You need to emotionally disengage.

And as others have said DO NOT GET PREGNANT.

MrsMiggins37 Fri 12-Jul-19 22:06:43

I’m certain it’s not easy, but waiting won’t make it easier.

It’s your life, we can’t live it for you but as others have said you should be leaving now before he really crushes the life from you, it’s been a relatively short time and no kids, you could leave with no ties whatsoever

Just for the love of god make sure you don’t get pregnant.

fussychica Fri 12-Jul-19 21:53:18

Glad you came back to update and found many of the comments helpful but you need to leave as soon as you can. Several kind posters have offered you somewhere to stay. Leaving won't be easy but it sounds like your current life isn't exactly easy either. If you aren't going to leave straightaway then you need to keep out of his way as much as you can until you do.

ilikefastcars Fri 12-Jul-19 21:27:34

Two words:
Women's refuge!!!!

PentreBachCymraeg Fri 12-Jul-19 21:07:48

I don't care how 'unmumsnetty' this is, massive hugs to you and strength! 💐

HelenUrth Fri 12-Jul-19 21:04:14

Good luck OP. With the support of people here, far too many of whom have experienced horrific abuse, you will get there sooner rather than later. Please keep posting, the responses will help you get stronger.
In the meantime, perhaps try the Bright Sky app - some info here: www.goodhousekeeping.com/uk/consumer-advice/technology/a26466066/bright-sky-app-review/

ladybird69 Fri 12-Jul-19 20:23:12

Sorry haven’t read whole thread, but I’m sending you my strength JOYLESS. When I left/ran away from my abusive marriage I lost my husband, family, home and business,everything. But by god it was worth it before I lost myself too. Some people are just evil so all you can do is get away as quickly as you can.

category12 Fri 12-Jul-19 18:41:19

The problem is, your anxiety isn't going to improve while you're with him. Just make a few little steps at a time.

Start looking for other jobs. Rewrite your CV. Apply for something.
Start looking at house-shares and bedsits.
Make a phonecall to Women's Aid.

tolerable Fri 12-Jul-19 18:15:00

op. putting it off until youve saved equates to not leaving.There will always be one more thing to save for,one morestep to take....IF,and i'm sorry,but its unlikely,-he stops at wall slamming.... He doesnt matter.pretendy nice or not. you do.nobodys gony white horse in and save you.and anyway. You are strong enough./////you can do this. ..It isnt whatchu wanted\signed up for. ...hell,you mighta even have been a wee bit wwrong in getting it so wrong. You cant move forward-til its done.do it x

NannyRed Fri 12-Jul-19 17:39:55

You married him. It’s up to you to leave him, he won’t leave you.

Agree with pp, be thankful you don’t have children.

Such a shame so many people marry the waste of space, I’m sure next time will be better. Good luck xxx

RightYesButNo Fri 12-Jul-19 17:17:48

Also, a lot of women in your situation say, “ I have no friends now because he didn’t like them / he isolated me.” Like you’ve said. I’m sure your friends were a little hurt when they thought you chose a bloke over them but I KNOW that when a friend called me and it turned out the truth was she just said, “I’m sorry it’s been so long but he wouldn’t let me have friends and he’s hit me,” I called all her previous friends and we helped her get out. Please don’t assume prior friends won’t help, if you’ve been socially isolated. Saying the truth will set you free sounds trite, but love, staying may get you killed. And if he ever chokes you, leave immediately even if you have to show up on an old friend’s doorstep without calling, report him to the police, go to your employer’s, (you keep saying your cottage is part of the employment, so I’d guess he’s a gameskeeper or farm manager or vicar or something - these men still can be abusers), do anything. There are tons of statistics that men who choke will kill.

buttertoasty Fri 12-Jul-19 17:05:37

Op do you have family you can stay with just to get away? The sooner you get away from him the sooner your confidence will begin to build again.

PeoniesarePink Fri 12-Jul-19 17:01:37

Buy a copy of The Lady magazine - there is a huge ad section in there for all sorts of live in staff. From caring/companions to housekeepers and mothers helps. It would sort out the emergency accomodation issue and he'd struggle to find you.

Worth a look? Or otherwise register with an agency as a live in carer - again, most won't require previous experience, just someone with common sense.

Tavannach Fri 12-Jul-19 16:21:10

I’m going to try to build up the savings and look for other work and accommodation.

Honestly just get the train fare and go to friend or family and rebuild from there.

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend Fri 12-Jul-19 16:15:46

If rather be happy and homeless than unhappy with a man who was violent with me.

SunshineCake Fri 12-Jul-19 16:14:39

It's not easy to do but you have to decide what option to take. Good luck.

Whosorrynow Fri 12-Jul-19 16:12:33

@Joy lots of us appreciate how hard this must be and how trapped you feel, lots of us feel for you and want to help you

JoylessNewMarriage Fri 12-Jul-19 15:34:30

Thanks very much to everyone for the comments.
He was home early last night so couldn’t log on.
He’s back to being civil and almost polite today but I know it won’t last. It’s the weekend and it highlights how miserable my life is.
Thanks so much for the support, to those saying it’s easy, just do it, it’s really not. I don’t have any confidence and suffer from pretty awful anxiety. I know this is related to him but nevertheless it’s still there.
I’m going to try to build up the savings and look for other work and accommodation.
There’s been a lot of kindness here and I’m grateful.

Waveysnail Fri 12-Jul-19 13:14:57

OP the world is your oyster. You just have to grab it. What about job that takes you away somewhere else with accommodation

www.naafi.co.uk/working-for-naafi

BarbedBloom Fri 12-Jul-19 10:46:11

I was you, living in his house, working for him, no children. I had built up in my head how hard it would be to start over, my family also believed my ex was lovely. I posted threads elsewhere and people told me to leave but I didn't. Then one day he found the banking slip with my secret savings. He held me down with a knife and threatened to ruin my face so no one would ever want me. I left that night with the clothes I was wearing and my laptop. If he hadn't have gone that far I might still be there. I went to a refuge who helped me set up a new life. The first night he contacted everyone on my facebook friends list. I blocked him and all his flying monkeys.

After I left no one believed me, my mum apologised to him for my behaviour. What I thought were our friends sided with him as he was just so lovely. Do you know what, it doesn't matter. I am ten years on now, happily married and I don't even recognise myself back then. I am telling you all of this because leaving might seem hard, but it is the only choice. He will escalate, you will have children and they will be the ones pushed into the wall

Scorpiovenus Fri 12-Jul-19 10:26:09

Just leave him

don't put up with this for a man with kids.

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