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I’ve married a monster

(188 Posts)
JoylessNewMarriage Thu 11-Jul-19 19:06:36

I’m a long time regular poster but have NC here.

I’ve only been married for six months to a man I’ve lived with for four years. My vows were important and I want this marriage to work, I really do. But he’s turned into a monster, in fairness the red flags were there, but I suppose I didn’t want to look.

Problem is my job is tied into his, and my home. To up and leave would mean not only throwing in my marriage but my job and home. I know I’ve been stupid to put all my eggs in one basket but isn’t hindsight marvellous.

I’ve got a small amount in savings but not enough for a house rent deposit if I’m not working.

I’m genuinely thinking I have no options.

Last night he pushed me into the wall,
Yelled in my face and was just so horrible. He’s totally uninterested in any problems I might have at work, he just walks away. He plays sport up to five times a week and has told me next year he’s going on a boys holiday for a week all inclusive costing £1000, it means we won’t have a holiday next year. Every single time we fall out he blames me for everything, he takes no responsibility for anything. He told me last night if I don’t like it I can just move out (it’s his tied Cottage we live in).

I don’t have children but he does. They’re almost adults and mostly live with their mum.

No one actually knows him, he comes across as a kind sensitive man, he’s anything but.

Any ideas? I’ve contemplated ending it, or running away.

Sorry this is a bit garbled,
I’m a mess.

tolerable Fri 12-Jul-19 18:15:00

op. putting it off until youve saved equates to not leaving.There will always be one more thing to save for,one morestep to take....IF,and i'm sorry,but its unlikely,-he stops at wall slamming.... He doesnt matter.pretendy nice or not. you do.nobodys gony white horse in and save you.and anyway. You are strong enough./////you can do this. ..It isnt whatchu wanted\signed up for. ...hell,you mighta even have been a wee bit wwrong in getting it so wrong. You cant move forward-til its it x

category12 Fri 12-Jul-19 18:41:19

The problem is, your anxiety isn't going to improve while you're with him. Just make a few little steps at a time.

Start looking for other jobs. Rewrite your CV. Apply for something.
Start looking at house-shares and bedsits.
Make a phonecall to Women's Aid.

ladybird69 Fri 12-Jul-19 20:23:12

Sorry haven’t read whole thread, but I’m sending you my strength JOYLESS. When I left/ran away from my abusive marriage I lost my husband, family, home and business,everything. But by god it was worth it before I lost myself too. Some people are just evil so all you can do is get away as quickly as you can.

HelenUrth Fri 12-Jul-19 21:04:14

Good luck OP. With the support of people here, far too many of whom have experienced horrific abuse, you will get there sooner rather than later. Please keep posting, the responses will help you get stronger.
In the meantime, perhaps try the Bright Sky app - some info here:

PentreBachCymraeg Fri 12-Jul-19 21:07:48

I don't care how 'unmumsnetty' this is, massive hugs to you and strength! 💐

ilikefastcars Fri 12-Jul-19 21:27:34

Two words:
Women's refuge!!!!

fussychica Fri 12-Jul-19 21:53:18

Glad you came back to update and found many of the comments helpful but you need to leave as soon as you can. Several kind posters have offered you somewhere to stay. Leaving won't be easy but it sounds like your current life isn't exactly easy either. If you aren't going to leave straightaway then you need to keep out of his way as much as you can until you do.

MrsMiggins37 Fri 12-Jul-19 22:06:43

I’m certain it’s not easy, but waiting won’t make it easier.

It’s your life, we can’t live it for you but as others have said you should be leaving now before he really crushes the life from you, it’s been a relatively short time and no kids, you could leave with no ties whatsoever

Just for the love of god make sure you don’t get pregnant.

mathanxiety Sat 13-Jul-19 05:19:13

How much will be enough when it comes to savings?

You need to trust outside agencies - Women's Aid, Shelter, etc.

You need to stop worrying about what he will say about you.

You need to emotionally disengage.

And as others have said DO NOT GET PREGNANT.

ravenmum Sat 13-Jul-19 10:27:51

If you're going to hang around, at least try to reach out and get support, counselling etc. to help with the anxiety.

If you were my daughter I'd be over there packing her bags and seeing how the law deals with this as soon as she called. I understand that it's hard for you to make the decision and act - I've suffered from anxiety and I know things simply seem impossible - but from us onlookers' point of view, we're watching a woman being attacked. Of course we want that woman to get the fuck out of there.

beanaseireann Sat 13-Jul-19 14:23:14

Who was at the wedding that could support you - family ir friends.
Theyd be there in a heartbeat if you opened up to them Im sure.

sl07 Sat 13-Jul-19 15:35:22

I would save up enough money and depending how long you can cope, I would wait until he is on that lads holiday and leave then. Get looking for new employment and new accommodation. It will be a massive life change but if you're unhappy and don't see a future with this man, then do this for yourself. Find someone who ticks all your boxes x

beanaseireann Sat 13-Jul-19 20:22:12

Thats a great idea s107
Have everything ready and when he goes on holiday, leave him.
Please confide in someone.

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