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I’ve married a monster

(188 Posts)
JoylessNewMarriage Thu 11-Jul-19 19:06:36

I’m a long time regular poster but have NC here.

I’ve only been married for six months to a man I’ve lived with for four years. My vows were important and I want this marriage to work, I really do. But he’s turned into a monster, in fairness the red flags were there, but I suppose I didn’t want to look.

Problem is my job is tied into his, and my home. To up and leave would mean not only throwing in my marriage but my job and home. I know I’ve been stupid to put all my eggs in one basket but isn’t hindsight marvellous.

I’ve got a small amount in savings but not enough for a house rent deposit if I’m not working.

I’m genuinely thinking I have no options.

Last night he pushed me into the wall,
Yelled in my face and was just so horrible. He’s totally uninterested in any problems I might have at work, he just walks away. He plays sport up to five times a week and has told me next year he’s going on a boys holiday for a week all inclusive costing £1000, it means we won’t have a holiday next year. Every single time we fall out he blames me for everything, he takes no responsibility for anything. He told me last night if I don’t like it I can just move out (it’s his tied Cottage we live in).

I don’t have children but he does. They’re almost adults and mostly live with their mum.

No one actually knows him, he comes across as a kind sensitive man, he’s anything but.

Any ideas? I’ve contemplated ending it, or running away.

Sorry this is a bit garbled,
I’m a mess.

JoylessNewMarriage Thu 11-Jul-19 19:28:20

If I left him I’d have to leave my job. To go into too much detail is outing. The cottage we live in is part of his employment contract. So again I’d have to give this up.

We have separate finances. He refuses to have joint money for anything. Which is a good thing as it’s allowed me to save a bit.

I’m on my own 5 or 6 nights a week (he comes home about 10ish). When he has his children he treats them to bowling/cinema/sport. We rarely go out and I’m not invited with his children.

I appreciate not having children is a good thing but I’m just as desperate as a mum would be, my situation is no less horrible than If I was a parent.

recrudescence Thu 11-Jul-19 19:28:26

Tell him that if he assaults you again you will call the police. Contact Women’s Aid and begin your preparations to leave. Best wishes to you.

Sunshinegirl82 Thu 11-Jul-19 19:32:11

Could you look for another job that provides accommodation, even if it's just a stop gap?

SunshineCake Thu 11-Jul-19 19:32:16

This is your life unless you are brave. If you don't want to leave then what's the point of posting? You must have known what people would say.

Drum2018 Thu 11-Jul-19 19:32:27

Have you no family or friends you could stay with? Even friends who you have lost touch with (because of him) would surely help you out. You really need to walk away asap.

londonrach Thu 11-Jul-19 19:32:49

Before you have children...LEAVE. You very newly married get out now!!!!!

Patchworksack Thu 11-Jul-19 19:34:09

It is less horrible, you are only responsible for yourself and not for dependant children, and you have nothing to tie you to him for the rest of your life, once you are divorced.
Please leave and start afresh, this is no way to live.

Lockheart Thu 11-Jul-19 19:35:45

@JoylessNewMarriage no job or house is worth more than your life or your health. If he escalates the physical abuse, and statistically he is highly likely to, then you could end up dead.

Is that really a risk worth taking? I am sorry to be so blunt, but this is a very serious situation you are in. It won't be easy, but you need to leave ASAP.

SinkGirl Thu 11-Jul-19 19:37:45

I appreciate not having children is a good thing but I’m just as desperate as a mum would be, my situation is no less horrible than If I was a parent.

The point people are trying to make is that if you had children together, you’d be tied to him forever, plus the logistics of leaving would be more complex with small children in tow. You only need to think about yourself which is a good thing - that’s not to say that you’re not in a desperate situation.

Is there anyone who could put you up, even on their sofa, for even a few day? If you have to sofa surf for a while it’s not the end of the world. If you’ve lost touch with friends because he’s controlling, I’m sure they’d be delighted to help you get away from him!

ShakeYourTailFeathers Thu 11-Jul-19 19:37:58

You poor thing. Is there anywhere you can run away to? Parents /sibling?

Al2O3 Thu 11-Jul-19 19:39:12

He wants you into servitude in the same way he is in servitude through his own lifestyle choices.

It will only get worse.

Get out now and make the best decision for your future.

Ilove Thu 11-Jul-19 19:39:53

Where are you? What area of the country? I have a 2 bed cottage for. Rent, and we accept DSS

Alsohuman Thu 11-Jul-19 19:41:27

If he’s like this after six months, God help you in the future. Get out. Now.

BlueSkiesLies Thu 11-Jul-19 19:41:29

Thank god you don’t have children.

Do you have anyone you could stay with? Anyone at all? Then you can apply for jobs and get back on your feet.

Aquamarine1029 Thu 11-Jul-19 19:41:29

Get out. Get out. Get out. As fast as you possibly can.

Fuck the job, you will find another one. Fuck the money, you can always make more. You simply can't stay with this man.

category12 Thu 11-Jul-19 19:41:36

Would any friends or family put you up for a bit?

Can you afford a bedsit or house-share?

You're not safe where you are. Your instinct to run away is correct. Get yourself out, then rebuild your life from there.

H2OH20Everywhere Thu 11-Jul-19 19:42:11

Get in touch with your friends, you know, the ones he disapproves of. I suspect he doesn't like them because he can't control them. Even if you haven't spoken to them for years, ring one tonight.

What's the monster's relationship with your boss like? Am I right in thinking you too work on the estate (or whatever it is) where you live? Is it feasible that the boss knows what the monster is like and would help you?

LakieLady Thu 11-Jul-19 19:42:29

Please, please contact Women's Aid or similar. They will be able to go through your options with you, and you DO have options.

Keep a record of every incident and event where he has assaulted you (and pushing you into a wall IS assault) or been verbally abusive.

If he lays so much as a finger on you again, call the police.

He is an absolute shit.

BlueSkiesLies Thu 11-Jul-19 19:42:49

Is there anything in the house that is jointly owned you can pawn to get enough cash to get away?

wedding ring? Laptop? TV ?

DistanceCall Thu 11-Jul-19 19:43:47

He's going away on a boys' holiday? Great. Leave then.

No job is worth wasting your only life for. You'll find another job. People in Syria have no options. You have plenty.

TroubleWithNargles Thu 11-Jul-19 19:44:01

Get him arrested for assaulting you. With any luck he will lose his job and they will keep you on and put the cottage in your name.

Just out of interest, why did the mother of his children divorce him?

LadyBumclock Thu 11-Jul-19 19:44:42

It is better that you don't have children, because you don't have to support them financially or make allowances for them in your escape plans.

I'm not minimising how shit it is for you, not at all - it's awful. But as you're on your own you are free to get away. Yes you'll lose your job - but you can do any job while you get back on your feet, to support yourself. Keep saving, make a plan and leave while he's not there. Go somewhere a good distance away where he won't think to guess where you are.

A much better life is out there for you - you can do it.

Is there a friend or family member you could confide in and ask to stay with?

beckywiththecraphair Thu 11-Jul-19 19:45:12

Prepare to leave. Pack a bag, nothing noticeable, just something you can grab at a minutes notice left somewhere he won't find it. Photocopy any documents you'll need. Get in touch with a women's refuge if necessary. If you have anyone, ANYONE, preferably someone he doesn't know about, to talk to, please please talk to them. You need to leave. Fuck the job, fuck the house, your life is more important and you have to save yourself before this man completely breaks you down.

And, it's not your fault. Red flags or not. This isn't your fault.

GabsAlot Thu 11-Jul-19 19:45:41

have u tried looking on spareroom just for now-lots of people house share

Mouikey Thu 11-Jul-19 19:45:42

Has he distanced you from your family? Your friends that he disapproves of, can you reconnect with them.

I know you don’t want to go into details, is it a family business? Something like farming? Can you speak to the boss?

It’s very simple to say, but you can get another job and another place to live, you can’t always repair damage either physical or mental inflicted by this abuse - you are worth more than this. Give yourself the worth you deserve - pack a bag and leave, you won’t regret it.

Whilst daunting now you will regret spending any additional time in his company.

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