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I’ve married a monster

(188 Posts)
JoylessNewMarriage Thu 11-Jul-19 19:06:36

I’m a long time regular poster but have NC here.

I’ve only been married for six months to a man I’ve lived with for four years. My vows were important and I want this marriage to work, I really do. But he’s turned into a monster, in fairness the red flags were there, but I suppose I didn’t want to look.

Problem is my job is tied into his, and my home. To up and leave would mean not only throwing in my marriage but my job and home. I know I’ve been stupid to put all my eggs in one basket but isn’t hindsight marvellous.

I’ve got a small amount in savings but not enough for a house rent deposit if I’m not working.

I’m genuinely thinking I have no options.

Last night he pushed me into the wall,
Yelled in my face and was just so horrible. He’s totally uninterested in any problems I might have at work, he just walks away. He plays sport up to five times a week and has told me next year he’s going on a boys holiday for a week all inclusive costing £1000, it means we won’t have a holiday next year. Every single time we fall out he blames me for everything, he takes no responsibility for anything. He told me last night if I don’t like it I can just move out (it’s his tied Cottage we live in).

I don’t have children but he does. They’re almost adults and mostly live with their mum.

No one actually knows him, he comes across as a kind sensitive man, he’s anything but.

Any ideas? I’ve contemplated ending it, or running away.

Sorry this is a bit garbled,
I’m a mess.

LittleFairywren Thu 11-Jul-19 19:07:48

Thank God you don't have children together. Is there anyone you can confide in?

lovesawindyday Thu 11-Jul-19 19:09:38

Leave now and start again otherwise you'll be in the exact same position in ten years.

buttertoasty Thu 11-Jul-19 19:09:47

You know what you have to do. He probably loves having your job and whole life tied in with his.

Could you just save up enough for a rented place and apply for another job? Is there anyone you could stay with?

Sunshine93 Thu 11-Jul-19 19:09:54

You should leave him. You can sort the money and house out later. You surely would be better off working somewhere else anyway. Leave now for your own safety and then see a solicitor to discuss the options you have RE your home.

AlmostAlwyn Thu 11-Jul-19 19:10:02

You're definitely not alone. Can you call women's aid or another similar organisation?

www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-abuse-how-to-get-help

JoylessNewMarriage Thu 11-Jul-19 19:10:41

Not having children is a blessing, but mother or not my life is in such a mess.
I have very few friends As he disapproves of most of them.

LellyMcKelly Thu 11-Jul-19 19:10:48

Get your ducks in a row, start saving, look for another job (to ‘help get a bit more cash so we can have a holiday’). As soon as you’re ready, get out. You can’t stay with him. He’s dangerous.

Stayawayfromitsmouth Thu 11-Jul-19 19:11:17

Well thank goodness you don't have children. You are clearly extremely incompatible. Start looking for a new job. Get some savings together for a place to live and get out. Easier said than done.
Good luck.

Swellerellamoo Thu 11-Jul-19 19:12:46

It's never a dead end. You can cut the ties. Have you considered a refuge? Or just leaving and moving to a houseshare, or lodging? I know how terrifying starting again can feel, I've done it in a similar situation to you. But I did it and thank fuck and see it as when the rest of my life begun in hindsight. Women's aid really do help. Thank god you don't have kids and get the rock out of there. You can do it.flowers

Treaclesweet Thu 11-Jul-19 19:13:06

Is there anyone, friend or family you could stay with for a bit while you get back on your feet? I know the shame is horrible and it's hard to be honest with people but you might be surprised who will come through for you. flowers

Sexnotgender Thu 11-Jul-19 19:14:02

He knows you’re snookered so his behaviour will escalate.
Get out and speak to women’s aid.

Mammalian Thu 11-Jul-19 19:14:08

Please call Women's Aid and get practical and emotional support from them on how to go about getting out of there and getting your life back

MitziK Thu 11-Jul-19 19:14:50

If you're left with nothing, it'll be worth every penny.

This time he pushed you into a wall. What if next time is down the stairs?

Get out before that happens. Before he lays one more finger on you.

Don't say a word to him, get your documents out if you can without being noticed (if not, you'll just have to get replacements), t hen just go. Don't look back. RUN. Tell work in confidence once you're safe (they might keep your job open or pay you), but not before in case they tell him.

And then you can decide whether you want to report him or not. I'd say yes, but it's your choice.

FermatsTheorem Thu 11-Jul-19 19:15:55

Thank god you don't have children.

My mum walked out of her first abusive marriage with just a suitcase and the pram. You can do this.

Plan. Save enough for the deposit on a flat, even if it's just a studio. Apply for every job you see that you're qualified for, preferably at least 50 miles away from him. Photocopy all the important financial documents so you can make sure you get a fair divorce settlement. Start saving for a shit hot lawyer.

Lockheart Thu 11-Jul-19 19:17:27

He sounds dangerous OP. If he shoves you into a wall, you should call the police.

How is your job tied into his? Is he in a position to fire you if you leave? Do you work very closely and so it wouldn't be feasible to carry on if you did leave?

Are you able to look for another job?

Is there any family you could go to? You can always get another home and another job. You cannot get your life back if he escalates the physical abuse. Your priority has to be getting out ASAP, even if that means going to family with nothing but the clothes you're standing in.

Waveysnail Thu 11-Jul-19 19:18:26

Theres nothing stopping you leaving and going to shelter and start building your brand new life

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz Thu 11-Jul-19 19:19:15

To you have access to the bank account?

Saffy101 Thu 11-Jul-19 19:19:51

Pack and leave when you know he is out, don't wait, he will get worse. Don't wait, what would you be waiting for. Plan, it do it, you will not regret it. Just as long as you have enough to get out with, really you will need very little.

GreenTulips Thu 11-Jul-19 19:20:04

Start getting your stuff together and see if you can find another job -

You know what you need to do

lanbro Thu 11-Jul-19 19:20:06

Run, now...the longer you stay, the worse it will get. A refuge is better than staying with this monster, then a job, any job to get some income. Please don't stay, you have only yourself to think about

Neverender Thu 11-Jul-19 19:21:36

Run far, far away...you can make a life for yourself

notatwork Thu 11-Jul-19 19:23:32

Oh OP: things must be awful for you but you have an out.
It's only been 6 months. Go now. Apply for other jobs, leave.
It's not too late for a safe and happy life.

Every month you spend in this unhappy and dangerous situation is another month you'll regret. Ask your friends and family for help. Start again.
I know its a huge ask, but this is your life, and you deserve better.

Beechview Thu 11-Jul-19 19:25:05

Seriously just leave. It doesn’t matter if it’ll be hard initially, it will be so worth it.
You’ll have peace and be in a better place mentally.
You should never stay with a man who thinks so little of you that they shove and yell at you and don’t want to support you.

Reach out to someone and make a plan to leave. Find another job and a place of your own.

Tavannach Thu 11-Jul-19 19:26:27

Pack and leave when you know he is out, don't wait, he will get worse. Don't wait, what would you be waiting for.

^This.
His behaviour WILL escalate. Call Women's Aid and get out as soon as possible.

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