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To ask was parenting like you thought it would be?

(93 Posts)
PriestessModwena Wed 10-Jul-19 07:16:30

I follow various parenting social media accounts, it's sad to see Mothers/Parents who look dejected, as their child/ren have played on their last nerve or things haven't gone as expected, deviating from the dreamlike parent routine is a failure of sorts.

I think we as parents should be more aware/accepting that parenting isn't always a dream, with times when baby/toddler/child or teenager does not act like the angelic little cherub you expected.

Different stages of child development have their own quirks as it were. (Even into adulthood!)

I'm sure this gets discussed, I think from time to time it's good to have a reminder that parenting is seldom how you expected. Some expectations you have/had about parenting, totally go out of the window.

I had fertility treatment for DC, I had all these great ideas on what I'd do, how I'd never do x/y/z, in the end CBeebies as mind numbing as it is, can buy you time to make yourself / your home look half presentable. You can buy all the children's books published, if DC hates reading you can't force them. Car journeys over certain times can be made easier with DVD's / electronic devices.

The best advice I had whilst pregnant / parenting, was you can buy all the parenting books in the world, watch all the videos of airbrushed perfect parents, read all the blogs, just remember your DC are unique, it would be a bit dull if one size fit all. Especially with babies & toddlers, they're not programmed with whatever latest expert is saying to achieve perfect parenting.

You have to do what's right for your DC & yourselves.

Is there anything you would pass on to those who are entering the world of parenting at all? Or for the parent who is really struggling?

PriestessModwena Sat 13-Jul-19 22:53:13

I'm so glad other shared their stories. I think it needs to be normalised that it's not rainbows & fluffy clouds, it's ok to feel how you do. Many blessings to everyone.

Loudlady34 Fri 12-Jul-19 11:08:20

before I got pregnant, I never thought of the huge amount of worry that would start as soon as you see the positive pregnancy test, and that it will last for the rest of your life as you never stop worrying about your kids!!
I also never expected to have a child with behavioural problems.

nannymcpee Thu 11-Jul-19 22:39:27

Bless you. 😚😚

Mummoomoocow Thu 11-Jul-19 14:29:20

@LadyRannaldini what a judgemental post. Why are you assuming I carry my child in a sling and ward off relatives holding him, lending to him being insecurely attached?

Honestly, fuck off with that.

formerbabe Thu 11-Jul-19 13:24:27

I love pregnancy, birth and the baby stage.

Toddlerhood is hellish and so long...one of the reasons I'll never have another.

Primary age is pretty nice.

My eldest is rapidly heading towards his teens. If I say good morning to him, he usually mutters 'idiot' under his breath.

Looking forward to the next few years... should be interesting.

Jayne35 Thu 11-Jul-19 13:20:57

Separation anxiety is a genuine real developmental milestone

Largely brought on with the modern attitude of carrying the baby around 24/7, slings in the house (!), of course they have 'anxiety' when left! The idea of the 'little family' to the exclusion of everyone else is not doing babies any favours, if mothers were not so precious their babies would grow into happier, more secure children.

This, absolutely. My DCS are 23/21 and I would not say I was a great parent but I muddled through and they are ok. Though I could leave leave them with anyone and they were fine, which helped a great deal.

Doesn't suddenly get better when they are adults though, DD is still a stroppy teen on occasion at 23!

formerbabe Thu 11-Jul-19 13:20:27

if mothers were not so precious their babies would grow into happier, more secure children

So many threads on these boards from women who can't cope with visitors or relatives holding their baby or someone else giving them a bottle, or a member of the public cooing over the pram. It's just ridiculous.

MollysMummy2010 Thu 11-Jul-19 13:17:56

I found the baby and toddler years easy and fun. Parenting a 9 year old is hell. I expected some bumpy teenage years but actually from 7 to now have been awful and I would like to run away and hide.

LadyRannaldini Thu 11-Jul-19 13:08:59

Separation anxiety is a genuine real developmental milestone

Largely brought on with the modern attitude of carrying the baby around 24/7, slings in the house (!), of course they have 'anxiety' when left! The idea of the 'little family' to the exclusion of everyone else is not doing babies any favours, if mothers were not so precious their babies would grow into happier, more secure children.

LadyRannaldini Thu 11-Jul-19 13:03:09

Never read a book either before or after the birth, never got into baby conversations, such a boring subject, never got involved in tiresome mother and baby groups. I honestly think that a lot of the unhappiness felt by modern mothers is having a rose-tinted view and too high expectations. One only has to read many of the posts on here, I'm not sure if they're very sad or very funny.
Lighten up, go with the flow and remember that you and yours are nothing special, people have been having babies since time immemorial. In thirty years time what you're doing will probably be sneered at and you'll be very unhappy because your books told you differently.

Zaphodsotherhead Thu 11-Jul-19 12:01:47

But what can we do? I have a friend who's just given birth, and she's been very depressed and keeps saying 'why didn't anyone TELL me it would be like this?'

But when you're all glowing and pregnant and everyone is very interested in you and chats to you about what you're having, and nursery decorating and the best prams and all that - would you even listen if anyone told you how grim it's going to be? Obviously, it might be grim for THEM, but it's going to be different for you and your little angel...

And if you try to tell them about not loving your baby immediately, sleepless nights, arguments with your partner, loneliness, etc, you are accused of being negative and trying to ruin their happiness!

my2bundles Thu 11-Jul-19 11:38:59

If you work in childcare of some sort before having children don't be deluded into thinking raising your own will be the same .

Winsomelosesome Thu 11-Jul-19 11:28:19

I struggle with the lack of gratitude. I’ve never done so much for anyone else that has been met with utter disgust 😂

Lol, yes this^. We're on holiday just now, a holiday I've saved hard for (single parent). The beach is too rocky, the food's weird, the pool's too salty! Wtf! I've had to bite my tongue hard.

In all honesty though I never had any expectations as I never planned to have children, one accidental pregnancy in my late 30's and well it's an experience that's for sure, thankfully I got a pretty easy one but yes more gratitude sure would be nice, maybe in another 20 years, took me until my mid 20's I think to appreciate my parents.

Babdoc Thu 11-Jul-19 11:15:39

It certainly wasn’t at all as I expected. I didn’t expect to be widowed before the youngest was a year old. I didn’t expect the exhaustion, the grief, the trying to juggle a stressful job as a hospital doctor with the loneliness of single parenthood and the pain of bereavement.
I didn’t expect to have to deal with absolutely everything by myself- the cooking, cleaning, gardening, DIY, holiday planning, play supervising, nappies, toilet training, salary earning, being up all night when they were ill, dealing with DD1’s autism and depression and her two attempted suicides by hanging, to the point of being off work myself with stress and anxiety and a complete breakdown.
I thought DH and I would be sharing it. And that those years would actually be happy. Naive fool, eh!

Nanajj Thu 11-Jul-19 10:59:26

Sorry I think this is in the wrong thread .I'm new to this site

Nanajj Thu 11-Jul-19 10:48:18

I am an easy going person ,not gave much thought what people think of me ,and I not one for judging others ,I get on with nearly everyone I meet,I class myself as a likeable person and I am not a jealous person ,I trust everyone.
A few months ago it changed
My grandkids were watching something on their tablet ,and ping a message came through on messanger "hows you ,hows the grandkids?" Wtf is this ? Next thing I know whole message disappeared. I messaged my other half, oh that was someone I knew years ago when I worked on the taxis ,I assumed he ment worked with ,then he added shes a nutter and an a**whole, dont ask me why but I had an off feeling about it so I asked again who it was then asked were you seeing her ,he admitted that he did , now this was 27 years ago before I met him ,I knew what he was like he told me ,he had been married before me and this person was an affair he says lasted 2 weeks
Anyway he told me she had got in touch with him a couple of months before hand he replied to her he said he briefly said he was married and we had our grandkids staying with us and that was it he deleted the message and didnt tell me ,so i messaged her and asked why she after 27 years decided to look my husband up and engage in conversation knowing hes married ,what was she wanted she then started to try and play with my head saying he contacted her ,wanting to meet up ,then said he hadn't done anything wrong it was her ,I told her never to contact my husband again
Now because of this I feel betrayed ,hurt and lost trust in someone who was my rock ,we had the most amazing marriage anyone would ask for always supportive my best friend ,my soulmate now I feel I have lost all that in second ,
He said there was not intentions nothing he just answered and thought nothing of it ,I asked why he hid it from me and lie about who she was ,he said he was very embarrassed and he didnt want me to know that he was an a**shole before he met me
It has made me question everything AIBU
It has been nearly 3 months now and I cant stand this feeling that I have ,I want us to get back to how we were but I just dont know if I can forgive ..
Please help how can I get over this

Sandybval Wed 10-Jul-19 21:36:48

Some bits have been so much harder than I thought they would be, and others so much better I couldn't even imagine. The hardest when she was first born was the overwhelming feeling of every ounce of freedom feeling like it had been taken away; obviously I knew logically pre birth that a baby would be all consuming, but the feeling was something I couldn't have imagined. I love the little things more than I ever thought I could, but it isn't how I pictured. Not sure what I was expecting though!

Mummoomoocow Wed 10-Jul-19 21:27:24

The never ending guilt that you’re doing it wrong.

How monotonous every day becomes between 9 months to 18 months. He’s still 17 months, I’m just being very very hopeful.

Separation anxiety is a genuine real developmental milestone and you should definitely emotionally prepare for your laidback angel to suddenly cling to you like glue and bawl immediately upon leaving the room to use the toilet

The never ending slog that weaning is. My MIL was so excited for weaning and I cannot understand why, it’s the most stressful development thus far! Just eat the fucking food FGS!! I made you all of this food because you’re hungry and you won’t eat it and now your crying because you’re hungry and I have to cook you something else to eat which is going to take another 30 minutes. Oh. My. God. Fuck. Weaning.

carly2803 Wed 10-Jul-19 21:21:00

no-i genuinly had no idea when people said"you wont ever sleep for years"

i thought they were bullshitting.

:D

EssentialHummus Wed 10-Jul-19 21:16:25

the quantity of loitering

This. Also, she didn’t look like I expected. And everything everyone else said about stress, tantrums and chores. But then she sticks her fingers up my nose or chases after the ice cream van or puts two words together (she’s 22 months) and I just think she’s the most amazing thing in the world. She’s taken to coming up to me and her dad and saying “Hug?” - I mean, how can you resist?!

Poetryinaction Wed 10-Jul-19 21:07:36

Pretty much. I have 3 aged 5 and under right now. I totally love it but my husband struggles.

StripeySocks29 Wed 10-Jul-19 21:04:35

I agree 100% with not everyone feels the instant rush of love, I was all set up for it but when I was pregnant I hadn’t really thought about what my baby would look like, and I’d never been around babies really, so when they handed my baby to me the first thing I felt was shock, I was expecting something akin to a plastic dolly or a cartoon baby not the wrinkly jaundiced snub nosed thing covered in blood that I was holding.

AgnesNutterWitch Wed 10-Jul-19 21:04:32

I have a 13 month old and being her mum has been a total dream so far. My kid is so easygoing and sweet.

The unexpected part that I've really struggled with is the physical side of motherhood. My pregnancy and labour were complicated and awful, then I had sepsis post partum, and the fallout from my SPD meant that I still had mobility problems up to around seven months after the birth. And breastfeeding, my god, I wasn't prepared. It was hellish at first and even now I'm still breastfeeding and I don't feel like my body's my own. Losing the baby weight was the worst slog because breastfeeding makes me ravenous all the time and getting back to exercising was a long, slow, painful road that I'm still plodding along a year in. Also for the first three months after giving birth, I had to put my finger in my vagina and press on my perineum if I wanted to poo properly because of the episiotomy / tearing. And sex is still painful and just not enjoyable any more.

I had this really naive idea that because I was healthy and quite athletic pre pregnancy that I'd sail through and bounce back, maybe have a few pounds to lose but that would be it. But pregnancy and birth absolutely broke me, it was a shit show.

Fuckedoffat48b Wed 10-Jul-19 21:03:49

Yes, but he is only 8 months and I hated the newborn bit. But I am the eldest of my generation and had a lot of babies around me growing up so my expectations are as realistic as possible. I'm dreading toddlerhood because I am well aware of what is coming!

We are currently on holiday and it has been lovely despite loads of people naysaying about how awful it would be. I know other new mums who have hated the impact having a baby has had on their ability to 'travel', but I think they were a bit spoiled to begin with, sorry 😶

AmIRightOrAMeringue Wed 10-Jul-19 21:00:37

I didn't realise how organised I'd have to be

And how much strain it would put on us as a couple at first

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