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Upset at seating at Brothers wedding

(308 Posts)
Starlight30 Tue 09-Jul-19 23:36:18

My brother recently got married and we have always been quite close and I am his only sister and youngest in the family. However, I was gutted when I found that myself and my husband were seated at the very back on the room isolated from my family and sitting with the brides work colleagues. Maybe I am being unreasonable, but I found this quite upsetting as the rest of my family(aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents etc) were seated at tables at the front of the room and my brothers and parents at the top table. I naturally assumed that I would be seated with my family. I was even more mortified when one of the guests at my table asked me how I knew the bride and groom. When I said I was the grooms sister the guests response was "oh dear, you must be in the bad books. Aren't family supposed to sit at the front?". Until this point I had managed to keep my self composed, but after that comment I fled to the bathrooms and broke down in tears. I ended up leaving early as I was so upset. I also couldn't help but feel a sense of anger and hurt at my brother and his wife for not advising me beforehand that I would be separated from the rest of my family. Am I right to be upset at this or am I being over sensitive?

windmill121 Tue 09-Jul-19 23:58:47

My SIL did this too me. My DH was on the top table. He wasn't in the wedding party. My two older children were sat with her children next to the top table and she put me at the very end table with the random aunties.

She made it very clear to everyone what she thought of me which was just fine as I have not bothered to make an effort since. I was the one who would nag her brother to call her or visit and arrange days out but now I just don't bother. Happy days.

CalmdownJanet Tue 09-Jul-19 23:58:55

Eeek that's a big shit. Yanbu op I would be hurt too. Did they notice you left early? Have you mentioned it at all?

Jupiter13 Wed 10-Jul-19 00:03:46

Im really sorry for you but I would feel just the same. Good luck.

Chloemol Wed 10-Jul-19 00:05:19

YANBU, that’s horrible. To be honest I would speak to my parents and explain how upset I felt, and leave it at that. Then when you organise a family event of some description I would sit your brother and his wife at the back away from everyone, but then I like to have my revenge

S1naidSucks Wed 10-Jul-19 00:05:43

Was there any possibility that someone decided that they wanted to sit at a different table and took it upon themselves to sneakily swap seating and place cards around? The wedding couple might know absolutely nothing about it. What did the other members of your family say?

jessicawessica Wed 10-Jul-19 00:05:52

I had this in a similar situation with my nephew's wedding.
If my brother had done this to me he would have felt the wrath of Captain Marvel.
Totally not on.
I think the woman who seemed mystified that you must have been in the bad books was just voicing what any normal person would have thought in that situation.

AtrociousCircumstance Wed 10-Jul-19 00:05:54

Seems deliberately hurtful. Ugh why do people behave like this?

BadLad Wed 10-Jul-19 00:06:52

one of the guests at my table asked me how I knew the bride and groom. When I said I was the grooms sister the guests response was "oh dear, you must be in the bad books. Aren't family supposed to sit at the front?".

YANBU but this really made me laugh.

StoppinBy Wed 10-Jul-19 00:13:33

I would be thinking that they have placed you with the people that they think you will have the most fun with rather than with family if I saw that seating arrangement. Why don't you just ask them?

Starlight30 Wed 10-Jul-19 00:16:52

I've always been close to my brother and my SIL. They were groomsman and bridesmaid at my wedding. I didn't find out about the seating plan until I walked into the reception room on the day. My parents were just as surprised as me. I just cant understand the reasoning behind it. The other 6 people at my table were my SIL work colleagues and all knew each other. I get on with all of my family and wouldn't minded sitting with older relatives. I also have cousins of a similar age that were there. I don't think they placed me there as they thought I would be more comfortable with younger people. If this was the case surely they would have placed me with mutual friends I share with my SIL? The whole thing as just made me feel hurt and upset.

Foslady Wed 10-Jul-19 00:18:03

YADNBU

I had this with now ex SIL. Dh and I were sat so far away from the top table we were almost out of the door. Dh was furious - all her workmates were next to the top table. When we walked in and he realised he said ‘that’s it, she’s gone too far this time ‘ and got up to walk out but the best man stopped us as they were about to come in. We left as soon as we could and the next day MIL said she hadn’t seen us at the night do. When dh replied that after the way how she'd treated us at the reception then no way was we going the reply back was just ‘oh’.

Can you tell which of the two was the golden child? (SIL also hated me, but considering her personality I’d have been more insulted if she’d have liked me).

MrsCollinssettled Wed 10-Jul-19 00:29:45

My Dsis put all their friends on the tables nearest the top table. Siblings and other relatives were at the back, but we were all together with people we knew rather than being isolated from other friends and family.

Did they not miss you? I'd tell your family about the bad books comment and how it made you feel.

RockinHippy Wed 10-Jul-19 00:35:06

YADNBU at all, nor did you over react.

It must have been quite a shock to find out on the day & if you we're struggling to contain your very justified upset, the best thing to do was exactly what you did, remove yourself from the situation so so as not to be seen to cause any kind of a scene at the wedding.

You need to find out who was responsible for the seating plan. From your last post, it doesn't sound like there is any hidden grievances on SILs part. Unless she is just very insecure & you are more obviously attractive & she just didn't want you to outshine her on the day. But I'm sure you'd have seen evidence of that before now & it doesn't sound like it. Very shitty if that was the case, but I'm guessing it's a cock up somewhere along the line. Find out who organised the seating plan & take it from there. It spoilt the day for you, but I think you'll feel better when you find out it was a dock up or bad planning & nothing personal

💐

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil Wed 10-Jul-19 00:35:11

If youre close, I think Id just ask him.

Is there a possibility that there was an error or oversight in the seating plan and they thought you were sat at one table but youd been left off by accident and rather than rearrange the whole room they had to put you somewhere?

smellingofroses Wed 10-Jul-19 00:43:24

I get it and yes your right it's hurtful and difficult to enjoy the rest of the day as your constantly wondering what you've done or if you've upset someone. And I get crying in the toilets I cry when I am frustrated.
I had this at my nieces wedding ( grown up like sisters ) only I had previously organised her hen do and ended up paying for most of it, I lied to my husband about how much I ended up paying as I knew it was ridiculous and he would go mad but the hotel had my card details ( don't ask totally needs it own thread ).
Then found myself getting lumped with all the stuff the bride couldn't be arsed with as all she was interested in was her dress ! Pictures chasing florists and driving up and down on my days off sorting stuff out posting invites that she forgot etc..
Three weeks before the wedding bridesmaids had nothing as she fucked up the order so I ended up forking out for five dresses, head pieces and shoes as bride didn't have the money to as she booked a huge honeymoon last minute. Only to find that on the day of the wedding I was left with another brides maid at the church as for some bizarre reason she decided her two boys where travelling in style in our places to the venue.
My husband came back for us then I found I was sat on table 9 of 9 at the very back of the room by the toilets with people who I had never met who where just as shocked that I was sat there.

She put family whom she doesn't even like and the grooms sister that she hadn't spoken to in years on better tables.
I was also missed out of the the speech where she thanked all the bridesmaids and gave them all gifts !
It was embarrassing to say the least the other bridesmaids where mortified and i was upset and pissed off.
I managed to force a smile and carry on the rest of the night but a few weeks after the wedding I couldn't help it and brought it up in conversation ( I was still owed money for the bridesmaids outfits that she was ignoring ) and she exploded and called me petty and laughed at missing me out of the speech.
Needless to say I never got a penny back and I am talking hundreds of pounds and was told to leave it by other family as it was her wedding day but it was over and I should get over it all. It was a year ago and even though it's largely forgotten if anyone talks about her wedding I get pissed off all over again. It also made me look at her in a different light. !

Milly345 Wed 10-Jul-19 00:44:09

Was it to do with surnames ? Maybe it was an oversight x

Milly345 Wed 10-Jul-19 00:48:12

Smellingofroses... your [ex]friend is a CUN*

LauderSyme Wed 10-Jul-19 01:01:14

YANBU, your reaction was completely understandable, I would have been upset too, I also might have cried. But I don't think I would have left early; I would have stayed and collared my brother later and said, "Oi, what's that all about"?!

I am sorry your memory of your brother's big day has been marred by this. I think DB and SIL have been hurtfully dismissive of your feelings and taken you for granted. Something along the lines of, "Oh Starlight won't mind, she'll understand" when putting the seating plan together and trying to shoehorn everyone in, perhaps?

Surely if it was a mistake realised too late or a CF changing your places for theirs, they would have noticed and spoken to you? (Although I suppose the bride and groom did have other things on at the time). I also think it's weird that none of your family members remarked upon it at the time. Does everyone hate your DH or something?!

LauderSyme Wed 10-Jul-19 01:06:02

Milly345 It was her niece but totally with you on the sentiment. Poor you smellingofroses that's shocking. As they say, no good deed goes unpunished sad

notangelinajolie Wed 10-Jul-19 01:13:07

Starlight30

I would hazard a guess that you are a lovely, non confrontational, lovely, kind soul and you have been bumped to the rubbish seats because you are the least likely of you siblings to kick up a fuss.

HellYeah90s Wed 10-Jul-19 01:41:26

If you have a good relationship with them, then I would probably let it go tbh. Asking him about it just might cause more agro.

I am not excusing it but people get wrapped up in weddings and sometimes common sense or manners just goes out the window.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Wed 10-Jul-19 02:51:31

I don't think I could let it go. I'd have to have a word with my brother and ask what I'd done to offend!

In my case, if I was even invited to my brother's wedding, that's the sort of place I'd end up but he really doesn't like me, so it would be no surprise.

When my sister got married, my brother was on top table and his GF threw an absolute hissy fit about not being up there with him - no one else on the top table had their partner there (except obvs the B&G and the parents!). GF was seated with the rest of our family on the next most important table, and she knew half of them so it wasn't like she was with strangers - but she was still mortally offended and threatened to not even come. My sister didn't even like her, but she still gave her the correct placement according to her "status" in the family - i.e. one of them!

Your brother or SIL has done this deliberately and I would absolutely want to know why.

loudnoises1 Wed 10-Jul-19 03:16:13

YABU.
Seating plans are notoriously difficult. I'm almost 100% sure it will have come down to logistics. They will have had to fill so many tables with 'XX needs to sit with XX who also needs to be sat with XX' and will have only had space for two together at that table and thought you would be understanding enough and happy to be in each other's company.
At most weddings you'll be actually sat down for the meal for maximum what, two hours? It doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things. They were probably counting on you to be nice people and not kick up a fuss about what was inevitably a difficult seating plan.

It would have to be a REALLY big wedding for you being at a back table to have meant you were far enough away for it to be an issue. We had almost 200 people at ours and those at the farthest away tables still managed to socialise easily enough with people on closer tables.

Remember, other people's weddings aren't about you.

Limpshade Wed 10-Jul-19 03:23:53

YANBU but I wonder if this is a backwards compliment of sorts, ie they had six work colleagues to sit together, leaving an "odd" pair for the table, and they thought you and your DH might be the most easygoing and amenable couple to fill it?

They should have told you in advance though.

When my DSis got married our (divorced) parents and their new spouses (and stepfamilies) were virtually at war with each other. I can't imagine a more difficult seating plan than the one she had to come up with, and yet she still made time to notify anyone who might be sitting in an odd place. No excuse for your DB not to do the same.

edwinbear Wed 10-Jul-19 03:32:41

I would hazard a guess that you are a lovely, non confrontational, lovely, kind soul and you have been bumped to the rubbish seats because you are the least likely of you siblings to kick up a fuss

^^ this. YANBU it was selfish and thoughtless and the sort of thing I would remember for a very long time when hosting my own family events. I’m sorry they did this to you OP, it was mean flowers

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