Upset at seating at Brothers wedding(308 Posts)
My brother recently got married and we have always been quite close and I am his only sister and youngest in the family. However, I was gutted when I found that myself and my husband were seated at the very back on the room isolated from my family and sitting with the brides work colleagues. Maybe I am being unreasonable, but I found this quite upsetting as the rest of my family(aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents etc) were seated at tables at the front of the room and my brothers and parents at the top table. I naturally assumed that I would be seated with my family. I was even more mortified when one of the guests at my table asked me how I knew the bride and groom. When I said I was the grooms sister the guests response was "oh dear, you must be in the bad books. Aren't family supposed to sit at the front?". Until this point I had managed to keep my self composed, but after that comment I fled to the bathrooms and broke down in tears. I ended up leaving early as I was so upset. I also couldn't help but feel a sense of anger and hurt at my brother and his wife for not advising me beforehand that I would be separated from the rest of my family. Am I right to be upset at this or am I being over sensitive?
Was there any one at the table that you could have been sat beside to “look after” as they didn’t know anyone else?
If this is going to niggle at you, you’d be better off asking him straight tbh.
Gosh I don't know! How is your relationship with both the bride and groom? Did your parents say anything about it?
YANBU. I would be hurt if my sibling did this to me.
YANBU. Maybe they thought you would be happy at a young table if that makes sense? However if that was the case they should have asked you!
When did you find out about the seating plan, was it on the actual day? Sounds pretty shit to me....how well do you get on with your new sil????
Some people are bellends at weddings. My DH was on the top table with bride and groom at his brothers wedding. I was relegated to the toddler table at the back.
It’s probably not personal, just a lack of thinking.
Are you a lot better looking than the bride OP?
Why do you think he sat you there? It must have been for a reason.
YANBU to be hurt and it was rude not to seat you with other family, but fleeing to the bathrooms and breaking down in tears is a bit of an overreaction... Do you usually have a good relationship with your brother?
Well, "fleeing to the bathroom and breaking down in tears" and "leaving early" bot seem OTT and over dramatic, but, until that point YANBU. Sound quite odd.
I'd have expected him to have discussed it with you beforehand if there was some reason for needing you there or thinking you might like (as previously suggested) to be with other young people rather than ancient Aunties or something.
I would have just asked him about it though, in an "i, Mush" sort of a way, not made it into a drama.
My brother & SIL did this. They put me, DH, our three DC & a handful of our elderly relatives on a table right at the back of the room. I was quite hurt, so I understand how you are feeling, OP.
YANBU. I’d be hurt too. Do you get on with the bride?
No unfortunately that wasn't the case. The other 6 people at the table were all work colleagues of the bride and all knew one another.
At my Goddaughter's wedding I was seated at a back table with three other couples, none of whom spoke much English and they did not speak the same native language either. (Think Spanish, Japanese, and Egyptian!) At the end of the evening the bride's mother spoke to me and said "I put you at that table because I knew you were not prejudiced and would not say something that would offend them." I guess I should consider it a compliment, but it was a long and difficult meal!
At first I thought you were being precious about how far back you were sitting. But no, you’re not unreasonable to expect to sit with your family.
On a side note, the woman who made the comment needs a kick in the foof.
Sisters of the groom are often forgotten about at ceremonies which is shit enough (especially when your brothers are all at the top table) but to be seperated from your family too suggests a spectacular fuck up. I suggest you raise this privately with your brother - getting married doesn’t give anyone the right to treat family with disrespect.
It’s not OTT at all that the OP found it upsetting and her reaction certainly wasn’t dramatic either.
YANBU. What a horrible way to be treated by family. I don’t blame you for being upset. Have you spoken to your family since? I would want to know why you were singled out like that.
Did you RSVP late? I've ran weddings before where the couple need to shoehorn in a few extra guests who missed the RSVP date or just forgot to respond full stop thinking that "it was obvious I was going!"
How horrible, you’re not at all unreasonable to be upset but it was probably just a lack of thinking and juggling the number of people of each table to make sure they were roughly even. Or perhaps they did it on purpose and thought you’d have lots of fun with his work colleagues and that they were sparing you from having to sit next to an elderly great aunt or something.
If you otherwise get on well with your brother and his wife and there isn’t any other reason to think you’d be in the bad books then I’m sure it was just bad planning on their part. However, although I think anyone would be upset/annoyed I do think that crying and leaving early is a bit of an over reaction to a seating plan. How early did you go because if you weren’t in the bad books before you may well be now...
YADNBU - goes against all protocol and expectations - I don't see how it could have been done unintentionally OP. Not surprised you were upset - it appears to be a snub. In your shoes I suspect I would have left without taking my seat but then I am old and past the age of suffering people who are rude and make me feel crap!
I feel your pain! My (now ex) SIL hated me. They had tables of 8 or 10 people; the rest of my family were at a table of 8 while my husband and I were at a table of strangers, with me beside someone who clearly had been told all sorts about me as any time I tried to chat he sneered and turned away. Absolutely no reason not to have that group be a table of 8 and make our family table a 10!
My SIL did this too me. My DH was on the top table. He wasn't in the wedding party. My two older children were sat with her children next to the top table and she put me at the very end table with the random aunties.
She made it very clear to everyone what she thought of me which was just fine as I have not bothered to make an effort since. I was the one who would nag her brother to call her or visit and arrange days out but now I just don't bother. Happy days.
Eeek that's a big shit. Yanbu op I would be hurt too. Did they notice you left early? Have you mentioned it at all?
Im really sorry for you but I would feel just the same. Good luck.
YANBU, that’s horrible. To be honest I would speak to my parents and explain how upset I felt, and leave it at that. Then when you organise a family event of some description I would sit your brother and his wife at the back away from everyone, but then I like to have my revenge
Was there any possibility that someone decided that they wanted to sit at a different table and took it upon themselves to sneakily swap seating and place cards around? The wedding couple might know absolutely nothing about it. What did the other members of your family say?
I had this in a similar situation with my nephew's wedding.
If my brother had done this to me he would have felt the wrath of Captain Marvel.
Totally not on.
I think the woman who seemed mystified that you must have been in the bad books was just voicing what any normal person would have thought in that situation.
Seems deliberately hurtful. Ugh why do people behave like this?
one of the guests at my table asked me how I knew the bride and groom. When I said I was the grooms sister the guests response was "oh dear, you must be in the bad books. Aren't family supposed to sit at the front?".
YANBU but this really made me laugh.
I would be thinking that they have placed you with the people that they think you will have the most fun with rather than with family if I saw that seating arrangement. Why don't you just ask them?
I've always been close to my brother and my SIL. They were groomsman and bridesmaid at my wedding. I didn't find out about the seating plan until I walked into the reception room on the day. My parents were just as surprised as me. I just cant understand the reasoning behind it. The other 6 people at my table were my SIL work colleagues and all knew each other. I get on with all of my family and wouldn't minded sitting with older relatives. I also have cousins of a similar age that were there. I don't think they placed me there as they thought I would be more comfortable with younger people. If this was the case surely they would have placed me with mutual friends I share with my SIL? The whole thing as just made me feel hurt and upset.
I had this with now ex SIL. Dh and I were sat so far away from the top table we were almost out of the door. Dh was furious - all her workmates were next to the top table. When we walked in and he realised he said ‘that’s it, she’s gone too far this time ‘ and got up to walk out but the best man stopped us as they were about to come in. We left as soon as we could and the next day MIL said she hadn’t seen us at the night do. When dh replied that after the way how she'd treated us at the reception then no way was we going the reply back was just ‘oh’.
Can you tell which of the two was the golden child? (SIL also hated me, but considering her personality I’d have been more insulted if she’d have liked me).
My Dsis put all their friends on the tables nearest the top table. Siblings and other relatives were at the back, but we were all together with people we knew rather than being isolated from other friends and family.
Did they not miss you? I'd tell your family about the bad books comment and how it made you feel.
YADNBU at all, nor did you over react.
It must have been quite a shock to find out on the day & if you we're struggling to contain your very justified upset, the best thing to do was exactly what you did, remove yourself from the situation so so as not to be seen to cause any kind of a scene at the wedding.
You need to find out who was responsible for the seating plan. From your last post, it doesn't sound like there is any hidden grievances on SILs part. Unless she is just very insecure & you are more obviously attractive & she just didn't want you to outshine her on the day. But I'm sure you'd have seen evidence of that before now & it doesn't sound like it. Very shitty if that was the case, but I'm guessing it's a cock up somewhere along the line. Find out who organised the seating plan & take it from there. It spoilt the day for you, but I think you'll feel better when you find out it was a dock up or bad planning & nothing personal
If youre close, I think Id just ask him.
Is there a possibility that there was an error or oversight in the seating plan and they thought you were sat at one table but youd been left off by accident and rather than rearrange the whole room they had to put you somewhere?
I get it and yes your right it's hurtful and difficult to enjoy the rest of the day as your constantly wondering what you've done or if you've upset someone. And I get crying in the toilets I cry when I am frustrated.
I had this at my nieces wedding ( grown up like sisters ) only I had previously organised her hen do and ended up paying for most of it, I lied to my husband about how much I ended up paying as I knew it was ridiculous and he would go mad but the hotel had my card details ( don't ask totally needs it own thread ).
Then found myself getting lumped with all the stuff the bride couldn't be arsed with as all she was interested in was her dress ! Pictures chasing florists and driving up and down on my days off sorting stuff out posting invites that she forgot etc..
Three weeks before the wedding bridesmaids had nothing as she fucked up the order so I ended up forking out for five dresses, head pieces and shoes as bride didn't have the money to as she booked a huge honeymoon last minute. Only to find that on the day of the wedding I was left with another brides maid at the church as for some bizarre reason she decided her two boys where travelling in style in our places to the venue.
My husband came back for us then I found I was sat on table 9 of 9 at the very back of the room by the toilets with people who I had never met who where just as shocked that I was sat there.
She put family whom she doesn't even like and the grooms sister that she hadn't spoken to in years on better tables.
I was also missed out of the the speech where she thanked all the bridesmaids and gave them all gifts !
It was embarrassing to say the least the other bridesmaids where mortified and i was upset and pissed off.
I managed to force a smile and carry on the rest of the night but a few weeks after the wedding I couldn't help it and brought it up in conversation ( I was still owed money for the bridesmaids outfits that she was ignoring ) and she exploded and called me petty and laughed at missing me out of the speech.
Needless to say I never got a penny back and I am talking hundreds of pounds and was told to leave it by other family as it was her wedding day but it was over and I should get over it all. It was a year ago and even though it's largely forgotten if anyone talks about her wedding I get pissed off all over again. It also made me look at her in a different light. !
Was it to do with surnames ? Maybe it was an oversight x
YANBU, your reaction was completely understandable, I would have been upset too, I also might have cried. But I don't think I would have left early; I would have stayed and collared my brother later and said, "Oi, what's that all about"?!
I am sorry your memory of your brother's big day has been marred by this. I think DB and SIL have been hurtfully dismissive of your feelings and taken you for granted. Something along the lines of, "Oh Starlight won't mind, she'll understand" when putting the seating plan together and trying to shoehorn everyone in, perhaps?
Surely if it was a mistake realised too late or a CF changing your places for theirs, they would have noticed and spoken to you? (Although I suppose the bride and groom did have other things on at the time). I also think it's weird that none of your family members remarked upon it at the time. Does everyone hate your DH or something?!
Milly345 It was her niece but totally with you on the sentiment. Poor you smellingofroses that's shocking. As they say, no good deed goes unpunished
I would hazard a guess that you are a lovely, non confrontational, lovely, kind soul and you have been bumped to the rubbish seats because you are the least likely of you siblings to kick up a fuss.
If you have a good relationship with them, then I would probably let it go tbh. Asking him about it just might cause more agro.
I am not excusing it but people get wrapped up in weddings and sometimes common sense or manners just goes out the window.
I don't think I could let it go. I'd have to have a word with my brother and ask what I'd done to offend!
In my case, if I was even invited to my brother's wedding, that's the sort of place I'd end up but he really doesn't like me, so it would be no surprise.
When my sister got married, my brother was on top table and his GF threw an absolute hissy fit about not being up there with him - no one else on the top table had their partner there (except obvs the B&G and the parents!). GF was seated with the rest of our family on the next most important table, and she knew half of them so it wasn't like she was with strangers - but she was still mortally offended and threatened to not even come. My sister didn't even like her, but she still gave her the correct placement according to her "status" in the family - i.e. one of them!
Your brother or SIL has done this deliberately and I would absolutely want to know why.
Seating plans are notoriously difficult. I'm almost 100% sure it will have come down to logistics. They will have had to fill so many tables with 'XX needs to sit with XX who also needs to be sat with XX' and will have only had space for two together at that table and thought you would be understanding enough and happy to be in each other's company.
At most weddings you'll be actually sat down for the meal for maximum what, two hours? It doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things. They were probably counting on you to be nice people and not kick up a fuss about what was inevitably a difficult seating plan.
It would have to be a REALLY big wedding for you being at a back table to have meant you were far enough away for it to be an issue. We had almost 200 people at ours and those at the farthest away tables still managed to socialise easily enough with people on closer tables.
Remember, other people's weddings aren't about you.
YANBU but I wonder if this is a backwards compliment of sorts, ie they had six work colleagues to sit together, leaving an "odd" pair for the table, and they thought you and your DH might be the most easygoing and amenable couple to fill it?
They should have told you in advance though.
When my DSis got married our (divorced) parents and their new spouses (and stepfamilies) were virtually at war with each other. I can't imagine a more difficult seating plan than the one she had to come up with, and yet she still made time to notify anyone who might be sitting in an odd place. No excuse for your DB not to do the same.
I would hazard a guess that you are a lovely, non confrontational, lovely, kind soul and you have been bumped to the rubbish seats because you are the least likely of you siblings to kick up a fuss
^^ this. YANBU it was selfish and thoughtless and the sort of thing I would remember for a very long time when hosting my own family events. I’m sorry they did this to you OP, it was mean
I love that posters are coming up with nice reasons.
Truth is OP the bride does not like you and your brother cannot stand up to her. Sorry
smellingofroses karma will surely come back and bite her hard on the arse. What an absolute bitch.
YANBU. Your brother probably had nothing to do with the seating arrangement. Ask them, together, why they did this. Personally, I assumed when I read your post, that the bride doesn’t like you. If you don’t get a forthright response, then you know that’s the case, and no need to maintain a relationship with them beyond the odd family dinner.
This happened to me at my cousin's wedding!
My mother had previously been estranged from her brother but relationships had been improved so we were invited. The running joke was that we'd be seated on the bottom table. We were seated on the second to last table with some of the groom's work colleagues......
We were placed there because it was thought we would have more in common with this guests as had all worked around the world- 'wider horizons' as my aunt put it...
They were great people, thought it was hilarious that we'd been 'cast out' from the family ranks and conversation flowed -much better than being stuck on the family tables, surrounded by people with whom we have nothing in common.
However we were an aunt and cousin not a sister. You have every right to be upset and I hope your brother comes up with a good explanation for the seating plan.
In this situation I would have to ask why.
That's really sad considering they were such a huge part of your wedding. I'm not surprised you were so upset! I would ask your brother & explain you were hurt. Hoping that there's an explanation that makes you feel slightly better xx
At my wedding the seating plan was based on tables of eight. I had an on the day coordinator as we had a marquee in a place where they don’t usually allow marquees. The marquee company delivered tables of 10 instead so the table plan was completely useless and the on the day co ordinator had to make up her own table plan without any input from me.
This resulted in some people close to me sitting much further away than I would have liked but I had no control over this.
Could something like this have happened?
I would be absolutely gutted if my DB does this to me.
But we're close enough that I would say something, if not on the evening, then the next day.
Can you just ask him?
So mean. Are you going to talk to them about it?
Any family wedding I've been to the tables are mixed with guests from grooms and brides sides, thought it was the done thing to mix tables up. Usually meaning sitting next to people you don't know/don't know well.
When was the wedding? I’m surprised you didn’t ask your brother straight away. Can your mum find out if it’s awkward for you?
At one of my best friends wedding DH and I were surprised to find we weren’t sitting together ( think I was on table 5 and he on 8)but just accepted that was the way of it. Until I spoke to the friend I was going to sit next to and she burst out laughing- turns out bride had an old school friend with the same unusual first and surname as my married name, and groom had a cousin with exactly same unusual name as DH! Not related to either of them, and never met anyone with our name before! We were actually dotted together at table 3, I just hadn't really looked sat the top row as I assumed we’d be closer to the back. Could it have been a bizarre coincidence like that?
I think you have two options..
Forget about it completely
Ask, maybe via a neutral person (your mother or father) the reasoning behind it
I would go for option 2.
The b&g were disrespectful to put you at the last table.
This woman sounds awful. She got angry with you because she knew she was in the wrong. Had she really wanted to address it she would have apologised. I got the gifts for all the people in the wedding party - bridesmaids, parents etc. I mentioned all this to dh and assumed he was getting something for the best man but he didn’t. For a few years every year he got the guy a bottle of whisky. This is how an adult reacts when they cock up.
Either you don't get on as well as you think or it was a mistake. Ask your mum
I would go for option 1 aroundtheworld
We can only be upset by things if we allow them to upset us.
It's happened already. Let it go.
Focus on something more loving instead.
Not a wedding but a cousins big flash 40th birthday.
All our family were sat on tables together but me and DD were on a table of total strangers.
Can't say I didn't feel a bit pissed off when I struggled to get a conversation going while watching my family have a good time laughing away.
At my brother's wedding they put my son on a different table to me and DH ( not a young people's table just a bit random) - but it all worked out Ok and he had a nice time ( he can speak to people he has never met before ) It's one day and not your day - I would have just smiled and got on with it.
Do you or DH tend to get pissed and lairy/loud when you're drinking?
No falling outs with the bride? It's more likely her doing, men don't tend to get involved in frippery such as seating plans.
It really really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. Such a small thing to be upset about.
Suck it up OP and move on. Yeah it wasn’t right but you can’t do anything about it. 💐
I was at a parent's wedding last weekend. I was on the top table with my dd who was a flower girl, I was maid of honour.
Dp was on table one and ds was on table 3 ( he's 16 ) and was seated next to my neice's 18yr old boyfriend who he is already friendly with- niece was on top table.
The logistics of the seating plans were horrendous. We had 2 feuding family members who needed to be as far away from each other as possible, 2 drop outs a few days before and then one cousin and his wife deciding they could come after all but had to be seated with their immediate family as wife is very shy etc etc and then on the day there were 2 empty seats as thru didn't bother to show up or make any contact.
Someone's tables are going to be near the back or at the back. I would be very upset though or if my dbro did this to me and would have to ask why.
One of my brothers sent us a bill for our wedding meal at a destination wedding, now that's cheeky!
Yanbu. I would have to ask. There may be a simple and reasonable reason but they should have checked beforehand or at least warmed you
Even worse they were so heavily involved in your wedding. YANBU at all. Sorry, I know that it must feel like shit
Is there a chance your brother was unaware and Dsil sat you there to make up numbers but he was oblivious?
I would have to say something just to get closure in my head.
Particularly given that you are close and they were so involved in your wedding-it seems off and I think you deserve an answer. Only then can you decide how to move forward in the relationship.
Is it just me who doesn’t understand the issue? someone has to sit at the ‘back’. It’s not a statement on how much they like/don’t like you; it’s just how the tables are. I’ve genuinely never thought about how my placement at the tables indicates ‘closeness’ to the bride or groom - they’ve always wandered round the tables talking to everyone anyway. I’d raise a bit of an eyebrow about being seated away from family but would assume it was to do with making up numbers on tables - who would you have preferred they booted off the family table to accommodate you and your DH, OP?
This is why weddings are ridiculous. my DBro is getting married next year. I love him dearly and we get on well, however he has (quite rightly in my opinion) decided to invite mostly his friends rather than random aunts and uncles. I have no idea where i’ll be sat but I can’t imagine taking offence wherever I sit for the meal, as i’ll just be happy to have enjoyed watching him getting married!
You’re annoyed that you’ve been equated with the bride’s work friends, as though you’re somehow better than them. What makes you so much more worthy? The bride sees these friends every day and has no doubt been speaking to them the most about the wedding - how often do you actually see your brother?
There must be a reason why OP was placed at the back of the room on a table with work colleagues. I have attended lots of weddings of family, friends and work colleagues and have never known this happen unless there was a reason. I would wish to know and would find out.
You just need to ask him outright. It seems very strange. I'm wondering if it was a mistake? Or was there a printed table seating plan?
Could it have been 'put starlight there, starlight won't mind/is easy going'? You won't know unless you talk about it though!
Weird and even weirder that you didn't just ask them. I'd of said 'oh has there been some mistake'?
They might have thought it was a 'fun' table and put you there so you have a good time? We tried to group people who we thought would get on.
When I got married I did my seating plan. But when it came to setting the tables out and laying them, the venue did it. I didn't think about where in the room they would position each table. They placed the obvious ones with bridesmaids etc on at the front but it just so worked out that the table with my grandma and some pretty close family was positioned in the back corner which I hadn't realised.
Had I had the chance I would have reshuffled them.
Likeliness is that they couldn't fit an extra two on the family tables but prob didn't realise you would be positioned at the back.
Table plans are hard to figure out and keep
People happy, I wouldn't take it too personally
Ask him. Make sure he knows how upsetting it is.
I don't get some of the pp here. Mostly here when it's weddings it's all "family are really important, friends come and go" and now people are questioning why the OP is upset?
I have an issue about my brother's wedding. As a result i simply refuse to acknowledge it in any way (congrats on anniversaries etc). Works for me.
They may not have known where each table would be situated. I had no idea when we were planning our wedding. We obviously spent a long time working out who would sit at which table, but I didn’t know where each table would be within the room. Luckily our room was long and thin so it wasn’t so much of an issue. Maybe the tables were numbered differently than they expected or they didn’t think about where the tables would be?
I don't blame you for being upset, I mean friends and colleagues expect to be seated near the back but it's a snub for family.
I'd bring it up, better an honest discussion than seething with resentment
Sorry but, I think you’re being precious. 2 hours, meeting new people at someone else’s expense.... c’mon?
So at the end of the day, you had to spend what - a hour and a half- sat somewhere you didn't want to sit? And this reduced you to tears? Perhaps if you hadn't left early you could have socialised with your aunties/cousins afterwards?
It's not an hour sitting with strangers that's an issue but the fact that they have been put aside from the rest of the family.
Hopefully it was a logistics thing, not enough room on the family table and that was the only table with any spare seats. Still I can see why you're upset and that comment, although it was a joke it was insensitive, what if there had been some family drama?
Could it be they thought you would be easiest to move as you wouldn’t mind. In their head this might have been the case???
Either that or your sil is a bitch??
It is not unreasonable for the OP to have expected to sit with her family as they were all seated out together. I can completely understand that you may have felt isolated and awkward however you should now take the time to speak to your brother or sil. Could they have put you there to take care of her friends?
I went to a family wedding where two family members had fallen out and could not be seated together. The person who was moved and had to sit at a table on her own with people she didn’t know when actually she would have been ok at the family table. It was the other person who had the issue and he sat with family laughing and joking. I felt bad for her and tbh I would not have attended if I were her as it was very noticeable that she was excluded.
This doesn’t sound like the situation in your case but it is odd so I would find out.
Yes of course madeye. Its all the evil SiL's doing. OPs brother had no say at all.
No it’s not the duration of the seating, it’s what it represents. We all know this, it’s completely obtuse to suggest that you’re unreasonable to feel slighted at this, because this is very likely the intention of the seating.
Thing is, a lot of herons don’t get involved in the seating, and they don’t actually pick up on the nuances of digs like this
At my sisters wedding a few months ago I was Maid of Honour, did a reading etc etc. We are very close. I was sat the furthest table away from the top table with my DH and DC and then 2 of her old school friends and their DC. She told me in advance and said that they didnt really know where to sit the others and knew we would be Ok anywhere. It was fine. Could it be something like this but they didnt tell you.
I’m not one for fussing over weddings at all but I think in this instance even I would have felt slighted.
Take your brother aside and broach it with him. He’s your brother...you get on well with him. This is definitely something you can talk to him about. Clear the air.
Did all the tables only seat 7? So they sat a family of 3 and 2 couples at each table and you were the only single one?
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