DH 'asking permission'

[BettySwoll0cks]

Is anyone else fed up with their DH "asking permission" to do stuff they haven't thought through, that clearly impacts on family life? Mine just asked "can I go cycling across France for 3 weeks next May?" and I was like, I don't know, can you? Can "we" manage it?

We have one DC who is at pre school during term time, so we need childcare solutions over holidays (like most people). DH gets one long leave entitlement per year which he is planning to use for the cycling. I pointed out that we would need to think through how we will manage school hols between us and he just completely shut down and said I was telling him he couldn't go. I said no, it's just that we need to think through what the knock-ons are to the rest of the year and it might be ok, it might not. Massive argument then ensued about who had got angry with whom, raised their voice first, irrelevant blah.

It just feels like I'm always expected to have The Family Plan and if I don't immediately say "yes dear, that's fine I'll work everything else around you" then I'm treated like fun police. AIBU?

[LovelyJubblee]

My DH always 'asks' me because he knows I'm the family diary guru

[AnneLovesGilbert]

YANBU. He has responsibilities he didn’t have when he was a single childless man and you’re his wife not his mother so it’s not your job to make his life the same as it was vaguely.

[Herocomplex]

AnneLovesGilbert you’re awesome and I love you.

[AmIRightOrAMeringue]

That would do my head in.

Firstly that he wants to use most of his leave having fun without his family

Secondly hes sulking because you haven't instantly agreed to solve a problem hes created. Yes dear, let me know how you'll be covering your half of the holiday childcare.

YANBU

[Whatdoyouknowwhenyouknownowt]

And if you ask for 3 weeks away?

[Seeingadistance]

In my experience, they ask because they know they are being unreasonable/ridiculous, but want someone else to blame for telling them that. Also, means that they can tell their buddies that it was your fault!

Bastards!

And a cycling bastard at that!

[Bookworm4]

What is it with men and cycling? Has he just turned 40?🙄

[SmallAndFarAway]

Clearly the answer is 'Yes, of course. I will go to Italy for my three weeks. Let's work out how to manage this. Oh, do we not have enough leave... "

The blatant unfairness of him expecting time off that you can't get will hopefully be harder to argue against that way. I hope.

[Fluffymullet]

He is acting like a child and treating you like his mother.

I would suggest looking into relationship counselling for you both. I know many couples who are in this sort of dynamic and the resent on both sides just grows over the years. Deal with it early!

[VivienneHolt]

He’s being a mega twat! It’s up to him to problem solve this, not you!

Say to him ‘I’m not telling you you can’t go, YOU’RE telling ME I have to bend over backwards and take far more than my share of the family load in order to facilitate your hobby’ and see what the stroppy dickhead says to that.

[billy1966]

Have you left him with full care of your child yet. It sounds like he's treating you like his mother.

No it is not reasonable to go away for 3 weeks with a young child. End of.

I have never met a women whom has headed off for 3 weeks on a "trip".

I have however met several women whose husband's have.

Without exception everyone of their husbands are Class A, selfish pricks.

Every single one of them.

Good husbands and fathers wouldn't dream of leaving their spouse with a couple of very young children, working, etc. on their own to "cycle the Camino" or "follow their team to the Rugby World cup",
etc, etc.

Of course these are lovely trips to make but they are simply not reasonable to do with young children.

Only a selfish git would suggest it.

Loads and loads of good father's and husband wouldn't dream on doing it.

Don't entertain it.

If he has a big sulk, have a good hard look at what you are married to. It's not going to get any better if he thinks this is on.

[Malvinaa81]

This is quite absurd, and no he may not waste time cycling for weeks on end in France when there are shared family responsibilities.

There's something wrong with cyclists!

[LL83]

Yanbu!

I would have had a fit, said no then raged that he even asked. Your response was much more reasonable. He is behaving like a spoiled child. Feel like the adult rather than the fun police.

[BillywilliamV]

You’d be bloody annoyed if he disappeared for 3 weeks without asking you !

[BillywilliamV]

and I would let my DH go if it could possibly be accommodated...

[DearLady]

My DH will come up with an idea (let’s visit friends in the US!), so sure that it can happen just like that.
When I suggest discussing these exciting plans, he loses the plot saying I’m anti-him-having-fun...

[lottiegarbanzo]

He thinks you're his mum. Not attractive.

[MaidofKent78]

Enough of the communal cyclist bashing! They're not all selfish bastards. My husband is a keen cyclist (has been for 20 years+) and wouldn't dream of pulling a stunt like this.

[Ihatesandwiches]

In my experience, if a (male) partner asks if it's ok it is almost always because they have already decided it is going to happen and will make a fuss if not agreed immediately!
I say things like, do we have plans on X night? If not, am I ok to do ....(insert fun activiry).
Ex DP - i know you're really busy at work but I have booked ... (insert fun activity) when i should be looking after my own child. Hope that's ok?
Current DP - Fun activity has been suggested. Are we busy or am I ok to say yes?
It is all amour a feeling of entitlement!

[billy1966]

@Fluffymullet.
Bang on.

These women's marriages barely survived.
They were so resentful.
They should've said No but felt they were being mean! Huh.

The one that survived best matches every single bit of time away that he has with similar time.

He never went on a trip as long again. I speculate he was told he needn't bother returning. (she'd just had their 3rd when he headed off🙄)Selfish twat.

[BettySwoll0cks]

Ha ha @Bookworm4 nicely done, he turned 40 just before Christmas!

Same @billy1966 - he and his mates buggered off to the rugby 7s in Hong Kong in April Flor their 40th"

The truth is I wouldn't mind if he came to me with a considered proposal. If it's really important to him then think about it (properly), come up with a plan that means one partner isn't lumped with all the adulting, while the other pisses off in Lycra on a vanity project.

[Pa1oma]

Oh dear. Mine is in a ten-day cycling trip in Asia right now .

To be honest OP, I don’t care anymore, but my DC are a little older now and I don’t work, so no childcare plans to factor in.

It is true that it wouid never occur to me to take myself off for ten days though. I understand what PPs are saying.

DH is generally off somewhere at least every other month for anything from 3 days to a week or two.

[BettySwoll0cks]

@DearLady that's exactly it. I feel your pain.

[Hippee]

He's not called Duncan is he?

[BettySwoll0cks]

@BillywilliamV if he went off for 3 weeks out of the blue, I'd check the local hospitals (briefly) and then change the bloody locks!