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Boyfriend told his family I was pregnant before we decided to keep the baby

(244 Posts)
Meccacos Thu 13-Jun-19 08:21:16

I’ve posted before about being pregnant and boyfriend prioritising social life.

I’ve read a thread about someone being upset because a family member wanted to tell a friend of their pregnancy when she was16 weeks.

I was between 2-3 weeks when I found out I was pregnant. I told my boyfriend over the phone after taking the test (we don’t live together - he is about 30 minutes from me).

Anyway, I asked him to not tell anyone until we decided what we were going to do.

Within less than 24 hours he had told his sister and his brother. I hadn’t seen him face to face until 48 hours after that. For two days he didn’t want to see me.

Fast forward to 9 weeks pregnant and he still hadn’t made up his mind as to what he wanted to do (support me or not support me). He refused to tell me what he wanted or to make a decision either way.

We saw a counsellor who told me “pick a date you need his decision by”. Which I did. Fast forward to that date he wouldn’t tell me his decision, but he had told his sister that we had decided to keep the baby!!

I always wanted to keep the baby. But he was constantly crying and then saying he didn’t want it and then saying he did.

The longer I leave it the more traumatic experience he abortion.

In this time he asked several times if I will move in with him. I said yes, but still no key or security passcode. He has a spare key already cut.

I initially said I wanted to move in once I start showing. I’m now starting to show. Then I suggested I move in after we find that the baby is healthy (it was suggested the 13 week scan will show spinal cord and brain). He agrees to this.

The thing is, my dating scan is this weekend - which means that I can have the harmony blood test next week when I will be 10 weeks.

We still haven’t discussed the move in date or even me having a key and I don’t think he wants me to move in.

Am I being unreasonable? Should I just wait 13 weeks? I’m already starting to show. A lady at work guessed I was pregnant just by looking at me and I’m living in a relatives house and they are very religious with strict views on pregnancy, abortion and sex before marriage.

IceCreamSoda99 Thu 13-Jun-19 08:39:04

I feel so sorry for you but I think realistically the decision is going to have to be yours and you will most likely be raising the child alone. Your DP does not sound reliable or supportive.

AmIRightOrAMeringue Thu 13-Jun-19 08:50:40


I replied on the last thread. To put it bluntly he is a dick, becoming g a parent is 99pc likely to make him much more of a dick. Being a new parent is one of the most stressful things you can do and tests even the strongest of relationships.

If you want the baby then have the baby. But you need to plan to do it alone. If you are solely relying on him and cant cope alone then I think you need to end the pregnancy and the relationship. Sorry

newmomof1 Thu 13-Jun-19 08:51:04

Just so you know, the 20 week scan gives a much clearer picture of whether baby is healthy, any potential health issues etc.
12 week scan is more about making sure all the organs are where they should be and working ok.

He needs to step up but don't know that I'd want to be in a relationship and bringing up a baby with a man like that.
Trust me, a new born baby is such hard work and you'll struggle with someone who can't even commit to you.

wizzywig Thu 13-Jun-19 08:52:47

Congratulations op. He isnt showing himself in a good light is he? What was he like before the pregnancy?

ThePhoenixRises Thu 13-Jun-19 08:54:03

Do not move in with him, could you find a place for yourself and the baby?

WeWantJustice Thu 13-Jun-19 08:55:08

You're going to be a single parent or have a deadbeat dad who drifts in and out of your child's life if you keep this baby.

It''s got to be your decision, what he wants shouldn't come into it, he's too flaky to rely on.

Good luck with whatever you decide, OP

viques Thu 13-Jun-19 08:55:37

I bet I am not the only person who put their head in their hands and moaned "oh no , not again" when they realised who the OP is.

Please OP, read through the posts on your other thread. Make a decision. No one can decide for you.

hormonesorDHbeingadick Thu 13-Jun-19 08:55:51

I don’t think you can guarantee this man’s support no matter what he says. You need to make this decision on the basis that you will be a single parent.

AmIRightOrAMeringue Thu 13-Jun-19 08:57:59

Just to be clear although a termination is what I'd do I am not trying to pressure you into one. But I am frustrated that you cant see he isn't going to be there for you and you arent making alternative plans. You really need to assume you're going to be on your own. Can you speak to someone about housing and benefits as it may help your decision if you know more facts about the alternative to your bf suddenly developing a conscience and being responsible

AuntMarch Thu 13-Jun-19 08:58:12

Your OP seems to have very little to do with the title of the thread?

You've missed out that you want this baby because of your age, and that you are putting up with him being a dick because you need him to help financially. Or that you aren't in the UK, so that a lot of the advice you get might not be relevant.
You have had a lot of advice about this man, so much so that I decided it not worth adding my voice to the many already on your other thread.

But seeing as you are asking again:

This is not a partnership. It's not a relationship, you've just been seeing each other at weekends for a few months while he rebounds from splitting up with his wife.
You may be able to co-parent - IF he steps up. You need to plan like he won't though because he has done nothing to prove that he is reliable. His own wife didn't want to parent with him after all.

MyToothPain Thu 13-Jun-19 08:58:27


You CANNOT rely on this man.

You need to decide what you want to do on the assumption that he doesn’t exist. That you’d be doing this alone with no support of any kind (inc financial) from him. This is the reality facing so many women and (I’m sorry if it’s upsetting to hear) your situation sounds like there’s a good chance it’ll happen to you.

Babyduck2 Thu 13-Jun-19 09:00:36

You need to decide what you want to do, it's your body and your choice, he's obviously just messing you around (although I understand the backwards and forwards, I've been in the same situation myself) take some time away from him, think about what is best for you, and you only, think if you could bring this baby up alone if he didn't want to play a part.
I decided to abort and it's a hard decision to live with, you need to be certain and it needs to 100% be your choice. Get some counselling alone. Good luck xx

ImNotHappyaboutitPauline Thu 13-Jun-19 09:04:05

Why on earth are you dancing to this mans tune? You can't seriously be deluding yourself that you'll have some kind of happy every after with such a selfish and manipulative man child.

For your own sake decide whether you want to proceed with this pregnancy but make your decision on the basis that you cannot depend on this man for a home to live in or any support, practical or emotional. If you have a baby you will most likely be raising it alone. I think it's time to be realistic about your future and take control.

Grumpos Thu 13-Jun-19 09:06:42

Don’t move in with him whatever you do!
You’ve got months and months to sort out the living arrangements and build some kind of trust and security in the relationship before baby arrives.
If and it’s a big if, he manages to grow the hell up and get his head straight and become a supportive and reliable partner then you can discuss moving in and doing this as a couple, right now I would be prioritising myself and the baby and staying in my own house where I am safe, secure and stress is limited.
He may just need some time or he may turn out to be completely feckless, but either way the last thing you want is to be reliant on him for your living arrangements right now.
Step back, concentrate on yourself and the pregnancy and see how he acts in the coming months.

Pinkmouse6 Thu 13-Jun-19 09:06:48

I bet I am not the only person who put their head in their hands and moaned "oh no , not again" when they realised who the OP is.

Nope, not the only one.

Leave him ffs.

codemonkey Thu 13-Jun-19 09:08:40

Let me get this straight. You're pregnant and you're not sure if you want to have a baby. You're dithering and delaying a decision on whether or not to have an abortion because you're waiting for a man who sounds like a twat to give you his irrelevant opinion?

Take some control over your own life.

LolaSmiles Thu 13-Jun-19 09:10:15

Whatever decision you make, you need to make it on the principle that you're highly likely to be a single parent at best and a single parent stuck dealing with a half-arsed man child weighing you down at worst.

CripsSandwiches Thu 13-Jun-19 09:10:26

YANBU to feel frustrated OP. I think you need to make decisions and plan for him not being reliably involved with this baby. Find somewhere to live, decide how you will support yourself and baby etc.

Alsohuman Thu 13-Jun-19 09:10:44

For God’s sake, get shot of him. Decide if you want to be a single parent. If you don’t, there’s still time to do something about it. You have to accept he’s useless.

WhiteRedRose Thu 13-Jun-19 09:12:24

Get rid of him. Get an abortion. Move on with your life.

These are not people you want to be connected to for the rest of your life.

WhiteRedRose Thu 13-Jun-19 09:14:06

Also what exactly do you want from people here OP? We cannot make you do anything. You have to make the decisions yourself. All we can do is tell you not to make a bad one. Keeping the pregnancy and this man in your life would be a very bad decision.

paddington34 Thu 13-Jun-19 09:14:26

I've just had a look through your previous posts you seem utterly obsessed with trying to force a relationship with this man (even before the pregnancy) when he shows little interest in you. I thought you must be very young but you are 38 years old!
You need to grow up and think about your baby. This relationship is not going to work.

You need to find your own place to live with the baby and stop obsessing over moving in with him because even if you do you will be moving out pretty soon after. You have been 'together' less than a year and barely see each this is not the basis to start family life.

At 38 you need to take responsibility for this baby and the practicalities that go along with it and not expect him to want to play families with you. If you don't want to have a baby alone then you need to face that fact.

tenlittlecygnets Thu 13-Jun-19 09:16:12

Your boyfriend is a gigantic tool. He's immature, unreliable and selfish. Not great parent material.

I'd totally ignore him. Take him out of the equation. Decide what YOU want to do and what you can afford to do. Don't move in with him, ffs!

Accept that you will be a single parent. If you can handle that, then crack on. But DON'T rely on his support because he just won't step up.

Loopytiles Thu 13-Jun-19 09:17:49

The decision on the pregnancy is solely yours. If you have a baby, it’s almost certain given the circumstances and your boyfriend’s behaviour that you will be a single parent, immediately or in the near future.

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