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To find this all a bit weird - MIL thread

(251 Posts)
crazyotterlady Tue 11-Jun-19 22:48:18

My DS is 3 months old, our first baby and PILs first grandchild. Now I understand it's an exciting time for new grandparents and they have been lovely & supportive overall but there are some things bothering me about MIL's behaviour.

Mostly when DS is at their house I'm there with him, but occasionally I'll leave him there for a couple of hours at a time to go food shopping etc.

MIL has bought LOADS of clothes for DS that she keeps at her house i.e. not just a spare pair of trousers in case he has a nappy incident or a spare jumper in case he's cold, I'm talking about at least 10 different outfits in different sizes.

She's got a changing mat/nappies/baby supplies to rival a branch of Boots in their spare room.

She's bought formula, bottles & a steriliser. The last time I went and dropped him off there last week, I left two made up bottles for him just in case. When I got back she gave both full bottles back to me because she'd made up bottles for him using the formula she'd bought (same brand) instead. This REALLY annoyed me.

I understand it's handy to have a few spare things but I think this is all a bit excessive and I often get the impression that she's a bit obsessed with DS and sees this as an opportunity to relive her baby days (DH is an only child) I also feel she's a bit reluctant to give DS back when I go to pick him e.g. she can't hand him over as he's just gone to sleep and doesn't want to wake him/he suddenly needs a nappy change and she rushes upstairs with him.

AIBU or is she a bit nuts? Should I say something?

whitehalleve Tue 11-Jun-19 22:51:58

I just think you should be grateful your child has a loving granny who is happy to offer childcare. Your post sounds quite bitchy really. She's just excited to have a new grandchild. You sound ungrateful.

TheRealShatParp Tue 11-Jun-19 22:55:11

Your poor MIL.

Cornettoninja Tue 11-Jun-19 22:55:27

I think it sounds like she’s enjoying being a grandmother.

As long as she’s not impacting on your life (demanding to see the baby or round your house inconveniently etc.) then let her crack on. It’s her money she’s pissing up the wall.

ShitAtScarbble Tue 11-Jun-19 22:57:00

You really don’t like her do you? Poor woman.

Frazzledmum123 Tue 11-Jun-19 22:58:01

Not bitchy at all, you can be a living grandma without disregarding bottles made up by his own mum and having a wardrobe of clothes for him.

It is ott I agree but comes from a good place, my mil is a bit like this and it can be so frustrating but she has a great bond with my kids so I grin and bare it. Just keep an eye out though it doesn't go a bit too far

Frazzledmum123 Tue 11-Jun-19 22:58:36

*loving not living!!

FirstTimeToddlerMum Tue 11-Jun-19 22:58:59

I was a bit 'meh' until it came to the bottles , steriliser etc. That is weird. I would be setting some clear boundaries with her , it sounds like she's prepared to have him quite a lot of the time , is there any plans in place for this?

My MIL was a bit over eager , we had a chat , my DP lets her know when she's over stepping which isn't often. But she is literally an angel and there's a lot I wouldn't be able to do without her , she absolutely dotes on all of her grandchildren and we are lucky to have her so just tread carefully, a quick chat could resolve your worries.

WhiteLightTrainWreck Tue 11-Jun-19 22:59:10

If you feel she's overstepping talk to your Dh about your concerns, but tbh, I think she's just an excited new grandparent and is doing what she thinks is right to help out. At least you know your DC is never going to be short of love.

simplekindoflife Tue 11-Jun-19 23:00:15

Can I have her?! I'd love a hands on grandparent!

It's all new and exciting atm. I'm sure she'll calm down soon. Enjoy the support!

hammeringinmyhead Tue 11-Jun-19 23:01:32

I'd be annoyed at her wasting my formula when hers will keep, but otherwise YABU. If she kept handing him back in a different outfit because she doesn't like your taste, or was insisting on overnights when you didn't want to, that would be different.

Dandelion1993 Tue 11-Jun-19 23:02:09

In the early days it seems helpful but you'll soon get to point where actually its annoying and in the wayjustbtell her straight she doesn't need all the stuff and to use your prepped bottles as you now have to chuck them and it's a waste.

PavlovaFaith Tue 11-Jun-19 23:03:57

Your MIL sounds exceptionally lovely. She's clearly going to be an active grandparent and is so excited to have her first grandchild. Please don't forget that your baby is part of the family and will be loved and cared for by EVERYONE.

Stressedmummyof4 Tue 11-Jun-19 23:04:01

I don't really see she's doing any harm. My mil had all that stuff too as did my mum, it just made it so much easier going back and forth when you didn't have to carry loads around with you. Also we weren't pushed for time because we could clean and remake bottles meaning we didn't have to rush home. My mum still has clothing for my kids at hers even though they're all up now, she also has jammies in the drawer incase we decide to stay over. I'd be happy she was enthusiastic there's plenty who aren't. Is it possible she thought she would leave you with two bottles to take home so you had some made? Don't take this the wrong way but your happy enough to use her to babysit so she can't be that bad?

MustBeAWeasly Tue 11-Jun-19 23:04:17

I could of written this op, it sounds bad but I understand where you're coming from. I'm married to an only child ils first gc, dd Is 1 now buy they've been exactly the same. Kitted out a whole nursery brought loads of clothes, most of which she's now outgrown because I'm not ready to leave her overnight and they were expecting her to be overnight from early on.
Wouldn't hand her back when I asked for her or went to pick her up. Have always and still pack a nappy bag when we go out with them, dd will cry and she'll instantly offer calpol or bonjella or somethig else she doesn't need.
Always bringing toys out even though we bring our own.
In tears down the phone at 5 weeks because I wasn't letting them baby sit and wasn't bottle feeding.

I get what you're feeling. You should be happy to have grandparents who care but instead it feels like she's trying to be the parent again. You get possessive.
They still do all these things but I've accepted it is excitement and ignore comments I don't like.

mumtobhoyandghirl Tue 11-Jun-19 23:05:01

I'm in the exact same position this although it is not her first grandchild. My son is6months old and same as u but she's even bought a pram and cot at hers as well as steriliser nappies clothes mat ect literally everything a new parent would get. She's a brilliant MIL but I've noticed recently it's almost like a competition with things regarding my son. For example he's rolling over continuously so starts at one side of the room and rolls until he gets to another and when I told her it's "awk that'll be because I was showing him that" or I said last month he started waving "yeah he done that with me". That's been an ongoing thing now last few months it's like I can't celebrate a milestone without it being one upd or said without previous mention that she already seen it.

Overall I adore her and she's an amazing mil and gran but it can be overbearing so I u understand but for now I just grin and bear it

Lipz Tue 11-Jun-19 23:05:43

Send her my way please... She just sounds like an excited first time grandmother. Maybe she's hoping that you will leave him a little longer with her ? She could be showing you that you don't need to worry about packing up the house to bring him over, and that she has everything needed and is able to make up bottles ? I know when my own Mother was alive she was a little unsure making bottles but I bet if she was confident enough she would have made them up and saved me time.

Your ds s young, he's your first, it's normal to feel a little over protective. That will fade and if it were me I would keep her onside as she sounds like a dote and will be there for you all, when you need someone to help out.

LeekMunchingSheepShagger Tue 11-Jun-19 23:07:50

I'm with you op; it's weird.

Goldmandra Tue 11-Jun-19 23:08:03

Just be prepared to say something if you feel like she's overstepping the mark. I don't suppose it matters that the bottles you made weren't used but I'd be a bit concerned that she'd caught up with things like making up formula with hot enough water etc.

It's obvious that this isn't about not liking her. Her behaviour does sound weird and OTT and it would make me feel a bit uncomfortable but it's unlikely to be harmful.

I wouldn't say anything at the moment. Just be ready to speak frankly if it gets any more extreme. He isn't her baby and she doesn't have the right to encroach on your parenting in order to satisfy the urge to revisit hers. It doesn't sound like she's doing that quite yet.

ElizaPancakes Tue 11-Jun-19 23:08:44

Oh please don't say anything. She's excited for her new grandbaby. What difference does it make? He's your son and your baby and regardless of what she has at her house or how much she doesn't want to give him back, she will!

At least you know now you don't have to pack up a bag for when you take him round!

Bluerussian Tue 11-Jun-19 23:08:59

She'll settle down, Crazyotterlady. She means well and better she is like that than a meanie.

bananasandwicheseveryday Tue 11-Jun-19 23:09:08

We are fairly new gps who don't keep loads of 'spares'at ours, whereas the other set of gps have duplicate equipment, clothes etc. Difference is we live a couple of minutes walk from Dc and DIL, whereas her family are a 30 minute car ride away. We have a supply of ready made milk here and a microwave steriliser with bottle for the occasions when a bottle is needed - I understand guidelines bow are to make each bottle as needed, rather than in advance which was normal when my dcs were babies. So, actually, I understand your MIL making a fresh bottle. As to the rest of it - well, it seems to me that she just wants to make it easier by having theses things available, rather than you always having to pack them and bring them round. Obviously if you are unhappy about it, you will need to say so, but unless there's information you haven't given, it just sounds like she's a loving, caring gp.

HappyMama101 Tue 11-Jun-19 23:11:10

Maybe it is a little over the top with the bottles but I see it coming from a good place!

My in laws are the same with their first grand baby, I've never said a word as I love seeing them bond with my son and I don't have to think twice about what he needs when he goes to grandmas, she has it all! grin

Claphands Tue 11-Jun-19 23:13:46

YANBU, she’s overstepping the mark, you’re his Mother not her.

Goldmandra Tue 11-Jun-19 23:13:59

I understand guidelines bow are to make each bottle as needed, rather than in advance which was normal when my dcs were babies. So, actually, I understand your MIL making a fresh bottle.

That's fine but, if she made it with powdered formula, she's probably going to need to make up another 20 or more bottles in the new few weeks or throw a lot away. That's either wasteful or could be dangerous if she keeps it too long.

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