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AIBU Birthday Party rudeness

(46 Posts)
Antiawesometic Sun 09-Jun-19 11:08:46

AIBU? My ds had his 8th birthday party yesterday and I don’t think I’ll be doing that again. I was quite taken aback by the behaviour of so many parents and some of the children too.

- 10 people didn’t respond to the invitation at all
- 1 child turned up without RSVP ing
- 1 child sent an email rsvp acceptance 25 minutes before the party started
- 2 people who said they’d be there didn’t turn up, no explanation
- about half the parents didn’t speak to me at all, just dropped their kids and ran without saying hello then came and collected them without saying thanks or goodbye.
- kids saying “I’m leaving can I have my party bag?” And their parents watched them
- kid ran in and said “is Jamie here?” (Answer - I don’t know because his mum never responded to the invite but my son is over there if you’d like to say hello and happy birthday)
-kids refusing to sit at the party table for tea so my son was left sitting with just one child next to him
- two parents paid for their younger children to join the party (in a separate room from the rest of the play area) without asking - I would have said yes of course but it would be nice to be asked.

There was also 2 kids crying for their mum two kids hurt themselves, and one wet himself. Not rudeness but just so stressful.

My son had a nice time but I was quite upset at the behaviour. AIBU?

RavenTitan Sun 09-Jun-19 11:13:38


By 8 I think smaller parties are the way to go, perhaps a couple of good friends to cinema or bowling etc.

Fundays12 Sun 09-Jun-19 11:14:34

Unfortunately this is common behaviour and the reason I hate parties. My friend threw one for her son last year ( just turned 6) and about 20 kids were dropped off by parents and left. How she was expected to be able to care for 20 excited kids let alone make sure they knew how to get to the toilet etc was beyond me. Thankfully I and a couple of other parents stayed.

herculepoirot2 Sun 09-Jun-19 11:14:36

God what a gang of rude arseholes.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery Sun 09-Jun-19 11:17:36

YANBU. We had a whole class party for DD's 5th birthday last year. Never again!! From now on it'll be a special day out or a small party with a handful of friends.

Antiawesometic Sun 09-Jun-19 11:18:45

@RavenTitan I think you are right. He had his heart set on a whole class party but going forward it will be good friends only. I’m still having palpitations a day later.

BigusBumus Sun 09-Jun-19 11:25:51

At about 8 years old we dropped big parties in favour of 7 friends (plus birthday child) round the kitchen table eating an old fashioned birthday tea, then games such as Pass the Parcel, Musical Statues or whatever, then afterwards whilst waiting for parents to pick them up, we had the massive boxes of lego out for 6 of them whilst the other 2 played on the Xbox (in the same room). SOOOOOOO much less stressful and far far cheaper and more enjoyable for everyone.

WorraLiberty Sun 09-Jun-19 11:34:46

YANBU, that's so rude.

I've never understood whole class parties anyway.

I wouldn't invite a load of adults I'm not particularly good friends with (or in some cases don't even like much) to my birthday party, so I don't understand why parents do it for their kids.

I know a lot of kids will ask for them but that's probably just because they've become the norm over the years.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER Sun 09-Jun-19 11:37:19

We used to have whole class parties - at home! - for a dd who wouldn't leave anybody out. Never a problem, so manners must have deteriorated.
The rudest behaviour I encountered (this was not in the UK though most of the kids were Brits) was from parents who didn't even bother to come to the door to collect their child - just stayed outside in the car and hooted. And it wasn't as if parking was a problem.

ittakes2 Sun 09-Jun-19 11:40:59

I’m sorry that sounds awful and I do not blame you. I have twins and have sometimes had parties with 30-45 young children and have not experienced what you experienced.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar Sun 09-Jun-19 11:44:02

That's not my experience of birthday parties at all (except for one of DS's where almost everybody couldn't make it, about half of them cancelled very close to the party date and all were very apologetic), it sounds like you're unlucky with your parent group, or maybe I'm just lucky. IME there are never extra siblings, parents say hello and goodbye to the host parents and always check that their child has said thank you.

Sexnotgender Sun 09-Jun-19 11:44:17

That sounds hideous!

hmsvictory Sun 09-Jun-19 11:44:43

YANBU about the replies and the demanding of party bags etc.

I really don't see why the parents who paid for their younger children to play in an area separate to the party should've asked you though. Surely that's nothing to do with you or the party?

LillithsFamiliar Sun 09-Jun-19 11:46:23

I recognise all the issues with invitations ie no responses; people saying they're coming but not coming; people turning up who hadn't replied at all, etc. I've also had a child crying. (she cried at every party she attended sad ) People paying for younger children.
But I haven't had DCs refusing to sit at the table.

Wannabeyorkshirelass Sun 09-Jun-19 11:55:30

Most of that is really rude and YANBU to be annoyed. Smaller party next time with just friends. Though it sounds like a bad crowd tbh as I've done whole class parties and all the parents and children have been polite.

But this one thing I think is ok and just a result of you already feeling understandably pissed off.

kid ran in and said “is Jamie here?” - normal 8 year old behaviour. He was excited to see his friend.

eddiemairswife Sun 09-Jun-19 11:55:48

Bring back old-fashioned parties with no more than 8 children, party games, tea comprising sandwiches, sausages on sticks, jelly, ice-cream and birthday cake.

CripsSandwiches Sun 09-Jun-19 11:55:54

I'd probably forgive the party bag thing (although if it was my DC I'd have told them to be more polite) but you definitely have my sympathy. The no RSVPing is especially annoying when it's a pay per child thing. Even if you're not sure it would be good to hear "I have to see what my work schedule is like but I'll get back to you and thanks for the invite" and some people don't bother even when they know for sure they can't come - why not just say? I've never seen kids refusing to sit up for food but they do seem to go way more wild than normal at food time. I've seen them singing rude songs, running around the table, stealing food off each other's plates etc.

arethereanyleftatall Sun 09-Jun-19 11:57:27

But I would say you've got unlucky, that's a very high percentage of rude people. Of the people I know, there's about 10% of people who are as rude as this, put themselves first with no consideration for others.

WorraLiberty Sun 09-Jun-19 11:58:02

Bring back old-fashioned parties with no more than 8 children, party games, tea comprising sandwiches, sausages on sticks, jelly, ice-cream and birthday cake.

Couldn't happen nowadays.

Everyone's allergic to everything and all games would have to be risk assessed grin grin

And don't even start me on the sharp, pointy cocktail sticks!

MaximusHeadroom Sun 09-Jun-19 11:59:40

My mum always had the rule of no more guests than the age of the child and I am doing that with my kids. It is great!

frogsoup Sun 09-Jun-19 11:59:41

The party bag thing - if they can see bags are being handed out as people leave then it seems fair enough for a child to ask for one, though a please and thank you wouldn't go amiss.

ThumbWitchesAbroad Sun 09-Jun-19 12:00:35

That sounds unlucky, I have to say!
But yes, smaller parties with people you know better would be better in future.

Awful rudeness!

frogsoup Sun 09-Jun-19 12:01:54

Worra yeah funny joke but you know, when you have a child lethally allergic to a common foodstuff negotiating parties is actually pretty miserable, especially when if the parents also think your child is part of some amusing trend.

keepingbees Sun 09-Jun-19 12:04:03

Yanbu but it's sadly pretty standard these days.
Most the parents do stay at my dc's school but the behaviour of the children is much the same.
I've been guilty of forgetting to rsvp once or twice but never intentionally. It is hard to keep on top of the endless invites to be fair.

woollyheart Sun 09-Jun-19 12:04:06

It's surprising that so many were that rude, but otherwise fairly typical behaviour!

But I suspect that most parents find whole class parties excruciating and that might be why so many fled?

Antiawesometic Sun 09-Jun-19 12:05:04

Thanks very much everyone. I feel better. I know some of the things were small but I was already irritated so built them into bigger transgressions!

The siblings I raised an eyebrow at were paid into my ds’ party, not the general play area. There were two other siblings that were just paid into the general play area and of course that didn’t bother me at all.

I’ve an older child with a lovely year group and really nice parents so I just wasn’t expecting this. Lesson learned, Very Small parties from now on. I feel better knowing I wasn’t overreacting too much.

Antiawesometic Sun 09-Jun-19 12:07:03

I didn’t expect any parents to stay. I did expect a hello, a goodbye and a thank you though.

JeezOhGeeWhizz Sun 09-Jun-19 12:07:42

Fucking hell, there are some ignorant arseholes rolling around these days.
Some people are pigs.
And they are raising kids who will be the very same.

You'll know what to plan next year.

crimsonlake Sun 09-Jun-19 12:07:51

In my day some 15 years ago it was entirely normal for parent's to drop off and go. We always made sure there were a couple of family adults around to help supervise. I would not have wanted other parent's hovering round actually. The not replying to invites is really bad manners. What used to annoy me was children asking for a party bag and cake to take home for their siblings, very rude.

CripsSandwiches Sun 09-Jun-19 12:08:07

I might drop and run (especially at 8) but I would certainly say hi to the host and make sure my DC had thanked them afterwards.

Sexnotgender Sun 09-Jun-19 12:08:16

My mum always had the rule of no more guests than the age of the child and I am doing that with my kids. It is great!

That does feel like a good rule of thumb.

Pipandmum Sun 09-Jun-19 12:11:15

I spend a huge amount of time chasing up rsvps for anything I organise with people I don’t know (class year parents Xmas lunch for example). Birthday parties the same, essential as numbers need to be confirmed. I would definitely ask a couple parents in advance to stay help manage the kids. I wouldn’t expect parents to stay at that age. And did the parents not ensure their kids were at the right place and found the party? I would at least make sure the host parents knew my child had arrived and confirmed the collection time. And of course thank the hosts (and made sure my child did too) upon collection.
And I would be firm with the kids - no food unless sitting at the table (though if the party is at a venue there’s normally a venue host to help). And I hate party bags but as the kids all left pretty much together at the appointed time I don’t recall any asking for them. Sound like the parents need to be taught some manners as well as the kids!

arethereanyleftatall Sun 09-Jun-19 12:12:37

'I have an older child with a lovely year group'

There is so much truth in this statement, in that it's getting worse. The parents of dd, y3s friends are 'worse' (ruder, more self absorbed) than my dd y5. And a friend of mine who has dd, y3, finds the parents of her y1 dc much worse.

myself2020 Sun 09-Jun-19 12:17:39

@Antiawesometic ah, ok. siblings in party areais rude. siblings in general area is fine!

PearlandRubies194 Sun 09-Jun-19 12:26:42

They are so stressful aren’t they OP? I now stick with smaller parties - maybe four friends - and make sure that one of their parents is someone I know that will help out. I’m glad your son enjoyed it, well done for surviving it!

Nephilim1964 Sun 09-Jun-19 12:31:53

My mum always insisted on having large parties for us. I always ended up being overlooked and it was more about the party than it was about celebrating my birthday. A lot of parents also see it as an excuse to dump their kids for a couple of hours.

With my kids I let them choose a couple of good friends and we'd have a day out. They loved it.

Notabedofroses Sun 09-Jun-19 12:52:29

Over the years I have seen a lot of really poor behaviour when it comes to parties, but mostly everyone is polite and well mannered. It tends to be the same people all the time, they are too busy, stressed and tired is my experience, not wishing to make excuses, but they are usually just relieved to have got Jonny to the party at all! The fact he was chucked out of the car in the road, no birthday gift or manners is nothing. These parents are up against, and are struggling to keep up.

Don't take any of this personally op. Mostly the children and parents are well intentioned. Children are still learning about manners, parents are sometimes too.

Big parties are so stressful even when they go well!

TheNoodlesIncident Sun 09-Jun-19 12:54:20

I did whole class parties as I wanted to reciprocate the party invitations my dc had had and also he didn't have a strong friendship group. As far as I knew all his class were kind to him and looked after him so I didn't mind inviting them all. That was the infant years though, not now.

I had a similar experience with the RSVPs and no shows, which was immensely annoying (I always responded quickly to invitations as I know how horrible it is waiting for replies) but on the whole the manners of attendees and their parents were good, I don't remember anything grossly bad mannered.

I don't blame you for not wanting to repeat it!

DuffBeer Sun 09-Jun-19 13:46:17

At my child's bday party last year, I approached one mum as she came in to say hi and to introduce myself. She pretty much blanked me!

Then at the end of the party she came up to me with her son and said 'he would like his cake now' so I passed him a slice and they just turned around and left! Didn't say thank you or goodbye, it was an expensive party and we had gone to a lot of effort.

Some people are breathtakingly rude.

janetforpresident Sun 09-Jun-19 13:57:00

Fundays12 it's normal here to drop 6 year olds and leave. I would expect that. I make sure there's me DH, my mum and a reliable friend (usually a family friend who is a parent of a child whose siblings I have also invited) so 4 of us for 20ish kids. Other people seem to do the same.

PregnantSea Sun 09-Jun-19 14:07:02

YANBU. Very rude behaviour from some of those parents. I don't buy the "we're so busy and tired that we couldn't find the time to email RSVP/didn't bother popping over for 10 seconds to say hello when we dropped off/didn't have chance to get a birthday card for your child". Everybody with kids is fucking busy and tired. It's just you being rude. These sorts of things take so little time and used to be expected. Now it seems people are more frequently looking for excuses to be rude.

As a side note, OP, I think that a 9th birthday party is a good age to stop doing big class parties and cut down the numbers quite a bit.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery Sun 09-Jun-19 14:27:08

I agree with PregnantSea, being busy and tired (who isn't??) is no excuse for bad manners. I have a baby that doesn't sleep and have PND so feel exhausted and generally shit most of the time but I can still just about manage to say "hello", "goodbye" and "thank you" when my elder DC goes to a birthday party.

I'm not a very organised person at the best of times so if DD comes home with a party invitation I just get my phone out and text my RSVP there and then, then I add it to the calendar on my phone. It all takes a total of 5 minutes if that. That way I won't forget about it like I would if I put the invitation to one side to do it later. When I worked shifts and didn't know my rota in advance I would just text the Birthday child's parent straight away saying 'sorry, I don't know my shifts yet but will let you know as soon as my rota comes out if we can make it, is that ok?' I don't think anyone minds that, it's just not replying at all that really winds people up.

NCforthis2019 Sun 09-Jun-19 14:53:02

Bad luck I guess, sorry firbyoure bad experience - we’ve had class parties and ive never had anyone like this - ever. blush

MatchSetPoint Sun 09-Jun-19 15:15:40

YANBU at all (apart from parents paying for younger siblings to go in to a soft play centre, I don’t see the problem ?) it’s so rude and heartbreaking seeing your child unhappy, my son wanted a party this year but after the disastrous party the year before I fobbed him off with a day out. I’m dreading future parties. Hope your Son was ok.

AndromedaCU Sat 06-Jul-19 21:59:22

Hello, I recognise this behaviour... just had birthday party for my 5 year old this morning smile

What really shocked me was
1. Six no shows;
2. Nine people didn’t respond to any rsvp reminders and questions (face to face answer was “maybe”),
And final one:

3. One child was dropped off empty handed - I really don’t care about more toys or presents, but a card would be nice? My daughter is just 5, a £1 hair band is awesome! Hand made card is a treasure!
Same child was very loudly demanding to get a party bag, and pushed others to get it.

Question - would you even bother to say anything to his parents as I see them daily at school? I’m speechless, so please any advice?

Antiawesometic Sat 06-Jul-19 23:37:35

I didn’t say anything. But I will remember whose parents behaved well and whose didn’t and it will affect how I plan future parties and play dates.

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