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AIBU to think that when I stop breastfeeding has nothing to do with my DH?

(157 Posts)
newnewname19 Fri 07-Jun-19 14:11:22

Our DS is 20 months, he is still breast feeding. He likes a feed when he sees me after work, and before bed. If feeling poorly or teething, then in the night occasionally too.

DH wants a night away from DS, and wants to be able to plan weekends away for just the two of us. He is asking me to stop feeding DS, and keeps saying there's no benefits, just comfort, it's not needed etc.

I don't feel ready to stop. I don't care if DS is only using me as a comfort thing- I'm his mum, and should be used to comfort him. He also gets lots of nutrients through my milk. I said originally I'd like to feed him until he is two ish- then I'll speak to HV about how to wean him off.

Me and DH had a bit of a bicker last night- he thinks I'm being selfish to carry on, and that I'm not thinking about DH and my relationship. I thought he was being selfish for putting his needs of wanting weekends away above the needs and wants of his son.

Meh.

For a bit of context- DS was born a month early, weighed four pounds, and for the last year has measured just below the 25th percentile, so he's a little thing. He wears 12-18 month clothes and they're often too big on him. Another reason I like to feed is because I'm hoping it will help to fatten him up a bit!

humblebumblebees Fri 07-Jun-19 16:09:59

It's interesting and not altogether a good sign that the OP doesn't sound that keen on special time away with her DH.

When my children were that age, breastfeeding aside, I couldn't wait for my mum's annual visit when we could steal away to a nice hotel for some special time together. It was like nourishment for our marriage which sustained us during a very difficult time when, quite rightly, the children were our priority 364 days a year.

We've been married over 40 years and are close to our adult children. No harm done and a lot of good.

SandyY2K Fri 07-Jun-19 16:11:56

@Ninkaninus

It doesn’t have to be one thing or the other, does it. Your ds could have expressed milk for one night when you are away.

Your wish to continue to breastfeed might not be anything to do with your husband, but his relationship with you most certainly is his business. You may not feel that time away with him is a priority right now, but he is telling you that he would like time alone with you as a couple. Be very careful about not listening to that. It’s extremely important to safeguard your relationship with your husband because it absolutely can be damaged irreparably if you check out too much.

I totally agree.

Your DH is correct in that your DS doesn't need breastmilk at 20 months.

Needs and wants are different.

It's much better he's communicating how he feels. It'll serve your marriage well to acknowledge his feelings.

Gatehouse77 Fri 07-Jun-19 16:14:04

Apart from DC1 mine stopped of their own accord but when they went down to just a bedtime feed I'd give them that and then go. It was possible to have 24 hours away with DH as we'd be back for the next bedtime.

For me (and us) our relationship was just as important to spend time on and nurturing as the children. It doesn't have to be one or the other.

What compromises have you offered?

Singleandproud Fri 07-Jun-19 16:15:19

The other thing you have to think about is that as DS gets older there are times he may have to be comforted by other people.

Whilst bf DD at a similar age I was taken into hospital overnight, she had to be settled by my parents and they say it was fine. She still wants me with her when she goes to sleep if I’m around even now and she’s 10 but if I’m not then she sleeps just fine without me. If you are out of sight it’ll be easier.

Lweji Fri 07-Jun-19 16:15:41

Regarding nights away, I went away when DS was 3 months old and breastfed for over a year.
I did stop then because I was going away for a week or so.

It's not likely that your child will need breastfeeding to fall asleep if you are not around. And, as pointed out, you can dissociate bf from falling asleep, which is healthy in general anyway.

Why not ask the grandparents to have him for one night occasionally to see if they can settle him to sleep? That would reassure them and get him used to spend some nights away from you. If having child free nights or away is also important to you (or for whatever reason is so important to your OH).

And, BTW, you can still have weekends away with baby in tow. You don't need to be stuck at home.
I suppose what he means is child free nights.

Gatehouse77 Fri 07-Jun-19 16:17:18

And why is "when I stop breastfeeding has nothing to do with my DH"?

He's a parent too. What can't he start a discussion about his views?

Jimjamjong Fri 07-Jun-19 16:18:08

YANBU

Veterinari Fri 07-Jun-19 16:20:46

@BeardyButton you sound incredibly judgemental - another poster is taking about her own limits not judging anyone. In fact the only person being judgemental on this thread appears to be you.

There's No robust evidence that extended breastfeeding has any medical advantages - WHO guidelines are formulated to maximise benefit on a global level and in many countries where a clean water supply is not available, Breast feeding is safer. That doesn't Give you a right to judge and criticise the choices of other mums in the UK, a country where we are fortunate to have choices.

And in terms of choices, yes women can choose to prioritise their focus solely on the child and disregard the viewpoints of their partner. He can also make his own choices - and they might not include unconditional support of unilateral parenting decisions.

FurryGiraffe Fri 07-Jun-19 16:22:23

Why not ask the grandparents to have him for one night occasionally to see if they can settle him to sleep?

Perfectly reasonable suggestion but why doesn't the OP's DH try first? He is after all the child's parent- surely it's his job to try and establish settling routines, not that of the GPs, particularly as the need to establish said routines is primarily driven by his desire to leave DS for the night.

madcatladyforever Fri 07-Jun-19 16:23:09

Sigh...I'm not saying bottle feeding is best beardy button! I never said that, It wasn't best for me. Having been sexually abused as a young girl I couldn't cope with it. I felt it would be better not to do it than to have a mental breakdown trying to breastfeed.
And as for the husband, we are not talking about his pleasure we are talking about ONE SINGLE night for him and his wife to bond as a couple out of 2 years. But of course if you think husbands are totally irrelevant and should shut up and put up all the time their kids are young then good luck with that.
They matter as well, it's not just about mum and baby unless you are a single parent. The family unit is important too. No family benefits from their parents relationship going south and babies need their dads too - it sounds to me as if dad isn't getting a look in here.

Crunchymum Fri 07-Jun-19 16:24:03

My DP made the odd comment from when DC was about a year old. She finally (self) weaned aged 2y 8m.... as I was 15 weeks pregnant!!

BeardyButton Fri 07-Jun-19 16:24:18

@gatehouse because it is the mothers body and the childs needs. What sort of childcentered (not self centered masquerading as marriage sustanance) motivation might the father have for wanting a mother to stop bf? In particular if he has read WHO and NHS guidelines?

Hullabaloo31 Fri 07-Jun-19 16:27:12

You can easily do both. By that age I was still feeding both of mine first and last thing, but had to do 2 nights away for work every now and again. They just had a bottle of warm cows milk if H really couldn't settle them in the night, I couldn't express anything by that point anyway and they had cows milk during the day anyway.

dustarr73 Fri 07-Jun-19 16:29:12

I bf and went on weekends away.Maybe do an overnighter.Let your dc go to your parents and you stay home with your partner.That way if he needs you ,you can be there.

AmeriAnn Fri 07-Jun-19 16:32:31

It doesn’t have to be one thing or the other, does it. Your ds could have expressed milk for one night when you are away

He's not breast feeding for nourishment, he needs his mum for comfort. This is normal and lovely.

redspider1 Fri 07-Jun-19 16:32:55

Express.
You do need to consider your marriage.

GummyGoddess Fri 07-Jun-19 16:33:10

I had one night away from dc1 when I was hospitalised for hyperemesis, I don't want to be away from him. If op is the same, why would her DH want to go away with someone who would rather be elsewhere?

Wanting to spend a night away from my DC is as alien to me as not wanting to spend a night away from them seems to be for others.

Wellthatwastricky Fri 07-Jun-19 16:33:33

Perfectly reasonable suggestion but why doesn't the OP's DH try first? He is after all the child's parent- surely it's his job to try and establish settling routines, not that of the GPs, particularly as the need to establish said routines is primarily driven by his desire to leave DS for the night.

He may have done. It might not be the case with the OP, but I can think of at least one friend I know who admitted she secretly liked being the only one who could settle DC through BF- she liked having the USP as it were, and would always insist on going in and feeding the baby to sleep whenever the DHs attempted to settle without BF.

BeardyButton Fri 07-Jun-19 16:37:16

@gummy exactly! It s so clear she doesnt want to. If she wanted to. Or had to. It would be a different thread. Correct me if I am wrong op, but it seems like you feel coerced.
And then there are loads of posters saying she ibu. Its bizarre to me. Like something from the 1950s. Husbands need care too.... It doesnt matter if the baby will be upset. It doesnt matter that the woman will be stressed. You must sustain your marriage.

FredFlinstoneMadeOfBones Fri 07-Jun-19 16:38:48

My first only breastfed to sleep but we did manage to wean him off that before stopping breastfeeding entirely. I agree with you that there are continued benefits and you shouldn't stop BF until ready but that doesn't seem like an insurmountable problem in terms of having time away.

FredFlinstoneMadeOfBones Fri 07-Jun-19 16:39:20

On the other hand if aside from BF you're not ready for a night away from DS that is valid too.

CharityConundrum Fri 07-Jun-19 16:42:16

I had similar with my husband (my son is older though!) and when we talked about it it turned out that we both had the same end goal in mind, but different approaches of how to get there.

We both want my son to sleep through the night, to be able to be settled by someone other than me and for us to be able to leave him with loving grandparents without worrying that he will be unsettled for an evening or overnight.

To my husband, this meant me stopping breastfeeding to achieve this, but I suggested that feeding would stop or at least become less vital naturally if we both made a bit more effort to engineer situations in which he would settle our son without me. Once we talked about it, we decided that would be a gentler and more positive option than trying to do it the other way round and it has been largely successful (and, handily, means that I need to go out of an evening sometime to facilitate this!).

SilentSister Fri 07-Jun-19 16:42:19

Because Beardy Apart from the fact that stable and happy marriages make for stable and happy kids, your kids are only with you for 20 odd years, hopefully, a marriage would last for 50+

Usuallyinthemiddle Fri 07-Jun-19 16:45:50

If you keep telling him his child and wife are nothing to do with him, it's no wonder he's concerned and trying to put some work into his marriage!

FredFlinstoneMadeOfBones Fri 07-Jun-19 16:47:23

I think some posters are being stupidly dramatic. A marriage can survive without nights away which is a luxury many don't have anyway.

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