AIBU to think that when I stop breastfeeding has nothing to do with my DH?(157 Posts)
Our DS is 20 months, he is still breast feeding. He likes a feed when he sees me after work, and before bed. If feeling poorly or teething, then in the night occasionally too.
DH wants a night away from DS, and wants to be able to plan weekends away for just the two of us. He is asking me to stop feeding DS, and keeps saying there's no benefits, just comfort, it's not needed etc.
I don't feel ready to stop. I don't care if DS is only using me as a comfort thing- I'm his mum, and should be used to comfort him. He also gets lots of nutrients through my milk. I said originally I'd like to feed him until he is two ish- then I'll speak to HV about how to wean him off.
Me and DH had a bit of a bicker last night- he thinks I'm being selfish to carry on, and that I'm not thinking about DH and my relationship. I thought he was being selfish for putting his needs of wanting weekends away above the needs and wants of his son.
For a bit of context- DS was born a month early, weighed four pounds, and for the last year has measured just below the 25th percentile, so he's a little thing. He wears 12-18 month clothes and they're often too big on him. Another reason I like to feed is because I'm hoping it will help to fatten him up a bit!
You and your son are a dyad. For breastfeeding to stop at this point would be because one or both of you doesn’t want it to continue. If you want to both carry on then your DH should respect your wishes and wait a while until you can go away. He is only this young for a short time.
I bf my 19mo and my DH is very supportive of this by the way. Wasn’t born early but has been on 9th centile since he was born and isn’t quite in to size 12-18 month clothes yet. He will catch up at some point - I wouldn’t worry
My DH makes comments too for us to stop but I just ignore him! I did ask him if he's willing to put him to sleep every nap time and bed time without boob and that stopped him fairly quickly
DS is now 27 months and shows no sign of stopping.
It doesn’t have to be one thing or the other, does it. Your ds could have expressed milk for one night when you are away.
Your wish to continue to breastfeed might not be anything to do with your husband, but his relationship with you most certainly is his business. You may not feel that time away with him is a priority right now, but he is telling you that he would like time alone with you as a couple. Be very careful about not listening to that. It’s extremely important to safeguard your relationship with your husband because it absolutely can be damaged irreparably if you check out too much. Yes absolutely your son should be a big priority when he is so little, but if you want your marriage to last then that needs to be a priority too.
If you don’t feel that you want to leave your son overnight then maybe you could compromise and go for an evening out instead.
Of course yanbu to carry on as long as you are happy but I would think you could go away with dh for a night or two at this stage if you both wish without it meaning you have to give up feeding.
I think your dh is being annoying about the feeding but not wrong to ask for your time too - now you already have loads of one on one time just not over nights. If you have a baby sitter I would grab the chance - we have no one go have our three.
With a long term established supply, there's no practical reason why you can't have the occasional weekend away if DS is where he feels secure. You don't have to stop in order to have a bit more time as a couple.
You’re awesome to be feeding still, well done.
If you’d like to have a night away then there are some brilliant feeding pages with ideas for that.
If you’re not comfortable leaving him, don’t.
They’re not little for long so whatever you decide is fine
I think there's no need to conflate the two issues. He IBU asking you to stop BF but you can have your weekend away. Your child can get by without your milk for one night.
He sounds a bit selfish about this, but your supply is well established and a night away won't be detrimental at this age.
You can still go away overnight or even for a few nights at this stage and your milk will be fine. I still have milk and I gave up completely over a year ago. I went away with a friend when DD was 18m and my boobs did hurt but my milk was fine. When you’re not there they don’t think of the boob really. You could do one night and take it from there-you don’t have to commit to a long weekend straight away
Yanbu to not want to stop yet. That's your choice but listen to your husband and try and sort some kind of compromise. A meal out one evening maybe? Don't neglect your relationship with your partner. I'm speaking from experience.
My husband has been vocal about my breastfeeding since the beginning. I’ve ignored him and still BF at 30m. My boy has always loved the boob and it’s been an important part of our relationship. We drop feeds as he becomes less interested. I would end up resenting my husband if I stopped because he objected. I really didn’t think I’d be BF this long but I’m glad actually, as restrictive as it can be. My husband comes up with all kinds of reasons BF is wrong but I suspect he’s not being honest. I have my theories but would love to know the truth behind his objections.
I agree with others, express so you can have a night away. Don't neglect your relationship.
Does that mean you haven"t really done any days out evenings or nights away just as a couple in nearly 2 years?
It is vital. For so many reasons - firstly, it’s actually valuable for your son to learn that he can be happy, content and safe away from you (and it’s good for you to learn this too). Secondly, it’s very easy to become subsumed by one’s children’s needs and to lose one’s own identity outside of motherhood. This is not healthy and is not a good dynamic to model for one’s child/ren. Thirdly, if you martyr yourself too much it is very likely that at some point you will find that your needs are forgotten, your wants are erased and you become invisible in the household. Again, not a good dynamic to model for your child/ren. Finally, relationships are living entities. They will not survive if they are neglected.
Sorry I hate a drip feed thread!
My parents would be the ones looking after DS if we went away for a weekend. They are reluctant to do this at the moment ( we asked this week ) as DS feeds to sleep, they're not sure how they'd get him down at night, of if he did wake up in the night how to get him back to sleep.
We have had evenings out, meals out, days out, of course, without DS
You can have a night away from your son and continue to breastfeed. At his age he won't need you to leave milk expressed for him. He will be eating a full diet. I BF all my babies for years but still went away for nights occasionally - sometimes for work and sometimes with DH.
How's your sex life, OP? It sounds like your DH has something on his mind and is (wrongly) adducing its cause to your being an extended breastfeeding mother.
You would have to try DH settling him at bedtime with a bottle or beaker of expressed milk a few times before leaving him with his GP’s. It would be so unfair to suddenly leave him with them and expect him to understand where his boob has gone.
I wouldn’t listen to your DH anyway, it is completely down to you and DS when you stop.
I think to maintain a good relationship after dc is hard, many fail. Making time alone together is the only way the relationship survives. So going away together is a brilliant idea.
You don’t have to stop breastfeeding, start expressing the odd bottle to get the dc use to it then you go away for the night and little one still has breast milk.
Does he feed to sleep for his daytime nap(s)?
You don't need to stop if you want to have a night away. Just pick up where you left off.
I wouldn't bother expressing, I couldn't get a drop after around 4 months and certainly not at that age
You may find if you're not there that feeding to sleep won't be an issue. There might be a bit of fussing but they can sleep without it.
The only involvement your husband should have in your breastfeeding decision is to say “I’d prefer our child get breast milk if possible, how can I support you in making that happen”.
This is such a short time. You are providing your child with excellent nutrition and a secure attachment. When you are ready for weekends away, you will have them with confidence because you didn’t rush yourself or your child.
If you have evenings out, how does he go to sleep then?
I agree with others, express so you can have a night away. Don't neglect your relationship.
Personally, I don't think you need a night away to have a happy relationship- my eldest is 14 and guess how many nights away DH and I have had since she was born...ONE! It's become a long-standing joke as so many things went wrong that night (trains delayed, missed special meal, weather was crap, etc.)
But, we've had plenty of evenings out together and have gone away separately while the other parent holds the fort, so it's fine.
OTOH, I never think it's a good idea to completely dismiss a partner's opinions as that can lead to resentment. Talk to your DH again about your plans to wean DS around two years and let him know that you do want to spend time with him/have nights away in the not-to-distant future. Basically, assure him that your relationship is still important to you.
I say this because a good friend of mine completely ignored her DH's views on parenting and unfortunately, the resentment built up and he eventually said he'd had enough (co-sleeping and extended BFing were part of it). She was devastated, but the truth was she'd never really listened to his opinions when it came to the children (they had three) and they eventually divorced. You need to listen to each other and compromise somewhat.
Personally I couldn't bear to be attached to a child that long, I have my own life to lead and yes I love my (adult) son very much but there are limits.
If you always put your husband 2nd there could come a time when he feels pushed out and just doesn't want to be with you anymore. is one weekend really so much to ask - he is not asking for a two week holiday abroad.
If you don't nurture your relationship as well it will die.
Without a strong bond with your husband then you risk breaking up the marriage which will be 100% more damaging for your child than not having a boob for a couple of days.
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